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Emotional Divorce

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sassylee posted 7/2/2019 22:05 PM

sorry - wrong thread.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:05 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

NorthernMSB posted 7/3/2019 06:51 AM

Odonna: Hello, I am okay right this moment, thanks for asking. :-)

I have my specialist appointment this morning and am a bit apprehensive. We will see what is going on I guess. Cross your fingers!

I have had an interesting week. I reread Why Does He Do That? and have been really listening to how my WH interacts with me. I was startled to notice that even normal conversations are quite plainly steeped in contempt and impatience. I asked my son what he hears when WH talks to me and he said the same thing. WH denies of course. Eye opening to be sure.

Had a very long conversation with my sons and they are fine. Which is a relief.

I had a marriage retreat booked with a very successful therapist, yes I know we need to do IC first, it was to be late this year months from now. My WH hadn’t committed completely because it is a woman thing. Anyway, had to write her a very short synopsis of what is going on and I described our financial issues, my father’s responsibility for our money crisis, my emotional distance trying to survive my moms death and the money situation, my husbands cheating. Read it to my WH who said it was relatively accurate, he talked to other women. I asked why in conversation he NEVER says cheating. Apparently he doesn’t think of it that way

Anyway, he didn’t like what I wrote because I didn’t describe all my flaws and the way I treated him all these years. I was trying to get the therapist on my side apparently. So, the interesting part is the therapist wrote me back and told me not to do the retreat. She wants to do individual sessions with me to address the trauma and so I can think clearly about what I want to do in the future and why I am willing to let my WH treat me this way for decades. Just me. Not him.

So that is what I’m doing. First two hour session next week. She also does something called EFT, emotional acupuncture, which she thinks might be helpful to release the pain I am still drowning in. Anyone have experience with this? Research seems quite positive, it is used extensively for PTSD.

So, that is the update. I will get some more information about health today and will see. Thanks so much again for asking.

sisoon posted 7/3/2019 08:46 AM

If you search on 'EFT' and 'tapping,' you'll get info on the technique. (ETA: Sorry I missed the fact that you know how to research a topic. )

The technique works on a lot of people, including me. I just find it hard to remember when I really could use it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:27 AM, July 4th (Thursday)]

Odonna posted 7/3/2019 14:38 PM

So, so, so, so glad you will have IC now to help you answers those fundamental questions about why you tolerate (and even seem to need) such demeaning treatment. You focus on YOU!

ETA: How was the specialist appointment?

[This message edited by Odonna at 2:44 PM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]

NorthernMSB posted 7/3/2019 18:48 PM

My appointment wasn't great. HATED the doctor, found him very dismissive generally. I now get to wait on a biopsy and then see my options. Discussed several types of surgery and other treatment options, none very appealing. All hinges on the biopsy.
I will update when I know more. Thank you for asking. Just what I need, more stress!

nekonamida posted 7/4/2019 09:36 AM

Northern, I'm very glad to hear that you've made such a big turnaround and so many positive steps forward in just the last week. Truly, you're amazing and should be proud of yourself.

I'm sorry if my last post was harsh or difficult to hear. I have never once thought you were stupid. In fact, I thought your mental gymnastics proved just how smart you are! I have been exactly where you have though and WWHDT gave me the wake up call that I needed to see my situation differently and start putting the blame and shame exactly where it belonged. Before I did that, I was drowning in self-loathing even years after separation. As you now know, it's a powerful book when you're ready to listen to it.

Please let us know how the EFT goes and the biopsy. Hopefully it's benign and the EFT sounds very promising.

NorthernMSB posted 7/5/2019 00:34 AM

I was doing better but not so much now. It is the middle of the night here. No sleep for me I'm afraid.

I am afraid I weakened. We had a nice evening that rolled into a horrible conversation where he took back admitting the cheating and told me he didn't want to get caught not because it was wrong but because then he couldn't talk to them anymore. Nothing he did was wrong. They were fun and he deserved the escape.

It got worse from there.So much bitterness and hatred and just contempt for me and who I am. That when I make cookies for him, or clean the house, or make his favourite dinner, or write a book and dedicate it to him many times I am just patting myself on the back and think those things make all the horrible things I have done to him okay. That everything I do is for attention and nothing will ever make up for how awful I have treated him. It makes him sick when I think all the things I do for my family are "all that". And more stuff. So much contempt for me.

I listened very quietly. It just kept coming. Then I went outside and I just lay on the back deck and was looking up at the sky, dry heaving and crying and saw a shooting star and God help me I wished I was dead. That was my wish. I am so empty. So I'm going to work and tomorrow will be another day. This roller coaster sucks

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 12:41 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

InPurgatory posted 7/5/2019 01:01 AM


I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all this crap. Don't let him mess with your head.

Please take care of yourself. You matter a great deal. Right now things are difficult. In addition to your jerk of a WH, you have health issues on your mind, and that is never easy. It sounds like you handled the confrontation this evening with dignity. That's more than I would have been able to do under the same circumstances.

I don't have a lot of advice at the moment since it's also late here and my brain is fuzzy, but I know it can be lonely in the middle of the night and I just wanted you to know you had been heard.

NorthernMSB posted 7/5/2019 01:05 AM

InPurgatory: Thank you very much for your kindness. Just a bad moment, I know. Go to bed.

JustSayNC posted 7/5/2019 09:00 AM

NorthernMSB: regarding the isolation - I found out about my XW's affair just a couple of weeks after moving 1000 miles away from friends and family. I had literally zero support system - didn't know a single person in my new city. I was starting a new job in a new city and my marriage was breaking up under the worst possible conditions. Three years out, I have a great set of friends that I can rely on.

The most wonderful ones are my next-door neighbors: I had talked to them maybe three times (about recycling bins, school bus routes and things like that) when one day, just overwhelmed, I walked into their kitchen and started crying. They gave me a huge hug and we talked for about two hours, and I don't think a week has gone by in the three years since then that I had a coffee or a beer or a meal with one or the other.

My point is: there are good people out there. People you don't even know will surprise you in the best way. With the exception of former family friends that the XW proactively poisoned with her delusional abuse narrative, I haven't had a single bad interaction with anyone I've opened up to. Don't isolate yourself. Find someone you can meet for coffee on mornings when you're feeling down. There's no substitute for real-life in-person support, and people around you will surprise you with their willingness to listen and help.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/5/2019 11:20 AM


I just want to smack the shit out of your asshole CH! I'm so glad you are getting into IC. Take care of yourself.

nekonamida posted 7/5/2019 13:05 PM

Northern, you could be the best, most perfect wife in the world and he will still cheat on you and abuse you. Because the problem isn't with your behavior. It's with HIM. And change has to come from him for this to ever get better.

The 180 is your friend right now. Follow it so that you won't be opening yourself up to be hurt by him again. Look up The Gray Rock Method for when he rants about your faults and follow that.

He wants a reaction out of you. Part of the reaction he's looking for probably includes you rewarding him with cookies, dinner, and undeserved admiration. So your new goal is to break that cycle by saying as little as possible when he starts in on you. Silence, the occasional "Okay", even nod your head. But don't lift a finger afterwards to prove anything to him - BECAUSE IT WON'T MATTER.

northeasternarea posted 7/5/2019 13:17 PM

Please stop talking to him. don't let him tear you down. I am so sorry.

Odonna posted 7/5/2019 16:20 PM

If you are certain that you cannot physically leave, then you cannot “weaken” and share a meal with him or strive for a “nice evening.” You know from decades of experience that this typically devolves into abuse. He knows you won’t leave so he has no compunctions about abusing you. One more thing to justify his contempt.

I have said many times to you that you should leave. This is not going to change. All your posts are basically the very same story wrapped in different clothes. But if you stay, find a way to do the 180. No shared meals, cookies, conversation. You actively want to AVOID his attention!

[This message edited by Odonna at 4:24 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

NorthernMSB posted 7/5/2019 17:26 PM

Thank you everyone. Just to clarify, the dinners cookies etc are things I did in the past. Not now. He was going back 20 years.

We had a nice evening with my boys who aren’t usually home at the same time. Then that ended when one went to work and it devolved.

I cannot leave. That is nonnegotiable right now.

I had a bad moment last night and shouldn’t have posted but 2:00 am is a tricky time to be upset and alone.

On a better note, WH threw out all our alcohol today. He will not be drinking anymore which is good because almost every truly catastrophic confrontation especially post DDay was been after he has a lot of alcohol.

I have been completely withdrawn lately. Minimum communication. Yes. No. And that is it. I don’t know why it escalated last night. I guess the utter unfairness of his view of me and our marriage. It makes you want to defend yourself.

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/5/2019 18:28 PM

Have you been to Alanon? It might be helpful.

NorthernMSB posted 7/5/2019 19:33 PM

He isn't an alcoholic. Just not nice when he drinks. And I'm not in denial or anything. I KNOW alcoholics, he isn't one.

sisoon posted 7/6/2019 11:06 AM

I had a bad moment last night and shouldn’t have posted....
Gently, that's a post that deserves a lot of your attention - it can give you a lot of insight. I don't know what that insight is, but you do.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/6/2019 12:26 PM

He isn't an alcoholic. Just not nice when he drinks. And I'm not in denial or anything. I KNOW alcoholics, he isn't one.

Alanon saved me. I really mean that. I didn't think WS was an alcoholic either, but that was beside the point at my lowest point. I knew he drank some, and bad things kept happening in a cyclic pattern, and my friend suggested I try it...

I lived in a very small town and I was afraid to go. I had 3 failed attempts when I could not muster up the courage to walk in the door. Once I did I did not say a word for about 3 one cared. They always warmly welcomed me.

WS treated me like yours is treating you. And what I found out was people at Alanon rarely talked about those hardly ever. Alanon was about us, the people in the chairs.

Many who come to Al-Anon are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to Al-Anon because we want and need help.

I believe you when you say your husband is not an alcoholic. However when he drinks there are problems.
WH threw out all our alcohol today. He will not be drinking anymore which is good because almost every truly catastrophic confrontation especially post DDay was been after he has a lot of alcohol.

Take out the word Alcoholic/alcoholism and problem drinker and substitute your husband's name as you read the quote below.
Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic’s behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how badly they treat us. We try to control their behavior for them. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the problem drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill.

A lot of what you share about his behavior is how addicts act and that toxic behavior effects families and the entire family system . Alanon could be a great support to you, as you learn a new way to deal with him and his issues.

I viewed it as free therapy and support group rolled into one.

NorthernMSB posted 7/9/2019 21:43 PM


Just a quick update about my test. Biopsy benign. So, that is good news. Still need the surgery but at least I don't have cancer.

Thanks for everyone who asked and showed such kindness to a stranger.

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