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Clearing ones mind

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Niceguy25 posted 6/24/2019 09:53 AM

How do you get past the mental imaginations and pictures in your mind of your WS in the throes of passionate love making to another man? I feel I am doing OK and then that image pops up and I become either very angry or very morose.

SaddestDad posted 6/24/2019 10:01 AM

Honestly, it depends on what I'm doing at the time. Are you referring to when you're with your WS (romantically or sexually) or when you're trying to focus on work?

Jorge posted 6/24/2019 11:08 AM

I couldn't clear it up so I had to end it. Everyone processes infidelity differently. The pain is the same, but the synapses vary significantly. I marvel at the men whose wives have had sex literally hundreds of times with another lover, yet can remain with her.

And you have others who have divorced over emotional affairs or sexting. Notwithstanding the variables related to, family, kids, finances, etc., the range is a wide one that's indicative of how different we all are.

However, back to your point. I'm not sure it's a matter of clearing one's mind so much as it is managing it. I was unable to clear or accept what happened to me, let alone manage it well enough to reconcile.

dancin-gal posted 6/24/2019 11:17 AM

I was told watch the movie .. cry scream .. let the anger out .. next time that movie pops up it wonít hurt as much and you can stop it by thinking up your own happy memories movie .. that awful movie will disappear and wonít have the same heavy impact next time .. the movies do stop ..

Chaos posted 6/24/2019 11:22 AM

They can be crippling.

I cry a lot. Go for long walks. Up my self care.

And if they happen during sex, I amp it up and make it all about me.

Justsomeguy posted 6/24/2019 11:22 AM

I'm with Jorge on this one. I lasted 7 months after DD#2 and realized that my heart broke every single day. I really did love my wife prior to her A, but the specialness and trust was gone. Deep down, I knew it could never come back. I was not prepared for the final years of my life to be meh or functioning as the marriage police making certain she was doing what she ought to be doing. That's just not living IMHO. We've been S for almost a year and no regrets. It's hard, but I finally have peace.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 6/24/2019 11:34 AM

I had to know the sexual details...because the mind movies were horrendous. As it turns out...the reality was FAR different than what I had imagined.

I then did what Chaos did...made it all about ME. Sometimes I even pictured the adultery co-conspirator in the room... and in my head I was showing HER how much she was just USED...how WE were actually making love.

After a while...the movies went away. WE truly ENJOY sex now...despite the A.

Niceguy25 posted 6/24/2019 15:20 PM

Itís funny, I wake up at exactly 3:30am most mornings with the dream alive in my head and the vision clear as if I had been there. I know so few details because she refuses to talk about it. Yet I see their naked bodies entwined and hear their voices clearly. I have never met or seen even a photo of him, but Iíve read in her secret writings how viral and fit he is, and how different he is to what sheíd known in her marriage to me. It went on for 13 months physically, 3 1/2 years emotionally.

BetterTimesAhead posted 6/24/2019 15:50 PM

Niceguy25, I had the same problem. Even though I didn't actually see it, I could imagine all the details and it was extremely upsetting. I went to IC and used EMDR - it worked wonders for me. Sometimes it still pops up in my head, but the severe emotional reaction is not there. More of a factual, objective reaction. Still a reminder of what they did, but not crippling me in any way now. Good luck - I know how difficult this is.

Niceguy25 posted 6/24/2019 16:39 PM

What is IC and E???

Beachwalker posted 6/24/2019 16:42 PM

NICEGUY: Yes, the movies are terrible. When my WW and I are in the throws of making love, awful thoughts come into my head from Ö Nowhere! I just do what Chaos and Want2B do and that is focus on me and make the moment all for me. I, too, hope the movies stop in time, along with all these horrible thoughts.

Niceguy25 posted 6/24/2019 16:47 PM

SaddestDad, I try not the think about it at work. Itís usually when I wake up from the ďdreamĒ or when WS and I are to tether intimacy lately. I think if I could ever just see his face, it would be easier. Right now heís just some perfect male specimen I try not to compare myself too, other than that Iím not a cheater, compulsive adulter piece of S**t who has bedded my married sister in law, several other married women and then my wife. All unbeknownst to one another until he started bragging to break it off with WS.

survrus posted 6/24/2019 18:32 PM

NG,

You wrote, I know so few details because she refuses to talk about it. Yet I see their naked bodies entwined and hear their voices clearly. I have never met or seen even a photo of him, but Iíve read in her secret writings how viral and fit he is, and how different he is to what sheíd known in her marriage to me. It went on for 13 months physically, 3 1/2 years emotionally.

You are never going to recover in that case, very few can, because your WW is still lying to you by omission.

A few actions you need to take.

Have your WW write out a time line for the affairs with all the details.

Take your WW for a polygraph.

Expose the OM widely and to everyone in his life that matters.

Lowlow posted 6/24/2019 20:55 PM

How long ago dis you discover the affair? I'm thinking it was very recently?

It took me a long time to rid myself of the mind movies. And I had details.... For me it was about 4.5 years past discovery when I had healed enough to make the mind movies stop.

They still start 6.5 years later but I can stop them now and they no longer impede my ability to enjoy sex.

nowYOUseeME posted 6/24/2019 22:41 PM

I am 6 months out, I am dealing with a bunny boiler AP so when my mind movies start I laugh at her.
I dont know all of their sex life, he let slip that she struggles to O and the only position she can is lucky for me one I have always hated (wh did not know this). He also said it was quantity they had, not quality. I believe him as he talks in his sleep about things he is struggling with.

When mind movies first started during sex, I'd stop and tell WH. He would hold me and we would cry together. For day times one I'd let them play out and call them both whores. I also let confrontation movies play out. For me letting them play out I find I get peace, I have my say at her, calmly and walk away with my head held high as I am not the morally corrupt one.

I hope you find what works for you.

Marie2792 posted 6/25/2019 03:29 AM

For me the mind movies were worse and not just the sexual parts. I imagined them at romantic dinners, walks in the park, phone conversations. None of that happened.

EMDR was a godsend for me. I didnít care for the therapist who performed it but it did the job. I had about 130 photos and four videos thatvweee burned into my brain. Coupled with what my WH told me, I needed help.

Butforthegrace posted 6/25/2019 05:42 AM

Part of the reason this haunts you is that your is protecting the A, and him, rather than trying to heal the marriage. Her continual lying and deflection are re-opening your wounds. She does not have empathy for you, at all. She is instead pressuring you to rug-sweep this, as you did before.

The heart's truth is speaking loudly to you, my friend. Listen to it.

Your initial post asks:

How do you get past the mental imaginations and pictures in your mind of your WS in the throes of passionate love making to another man?

My question to you: Why would you want to get them out of your mind? Clearly, your heart is trying to tell you something. Maybe you should listen to it.

People here sometimes describe infidelity as the gift that keeps on taking. This is a perfect example. You're having nightmares because of your WW's fucked up choices and actions, including cheating, lying, gaslighting, and drug sweeping. My suggestion wod be to shove this in her face and "thank" her for even invading your sleep with her infidelity. If you wake up from a nightmare, wake her up abruptly. Knock her hard enough to wake with a start. "Wife, I just had another nightmare of you fucking Colonel Klink. Thank you for making my life so shitty." Then storm out and sleep on the couch.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:12 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

BetterTimesAhead posted 6/25/2019 18:52 PM

IC is individual counseling. EMDR is a therapy that is used. So far I believe it is working for me. Might be worth a try.

OrdinaryDude posted 6/25/2019 20:08 PM

Iíve learned to use physical activities that require mental sharpness and do not involve my WW to help train my thoughts.

Motorcycling, target shooting, taking some swings at the batting cages, etc...these help keep me from letting my mind dwell on her infidelity, and helps me interact with her in a healthier fashion.

It gets better with time if your WS is working towards R, but itís a very individual thing. What I experience may not be what you experience.

fallendown posted 6/25/2019 23:18 PM

I found the mind movies and obsessive thoughts really really hard at the start.
For obsessive thoughts I put an elastic band on my wrist and pinged it against my skin every time I found myself thinking about her affairs.
I also eliminated all the triggers I could, deleted all photos of her on my phone, stopped contacting her (this was hard, but deleting all her numbers helped).
We live in different countries but we meet up so I can see my daughter. We always have sex when we meet up. So now we've stopped meeting up.

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