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He's just not sorry- Long vent post

Kb82 posted 6/21/2019 23:09 PM

Hi everyone, I am new here. Not exactly overjoyed to be here for obvious reasons, but so relieved to have found this site because it reassures me that I am not crazy for feeling the way that I do. So for that, I am thankful. Please bear with me. This is a very LONG post. I apologize

My DD was March 16th of this year. My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years, have 4 children, and I am currently pregnant with number 5.I always wanted a big family. And God has definitely blessed me with it. Unfortunately, my marriage is breaking my heart at the moment and really stressing me out.

As I said, March 16th was my big day, although it is not the first time I have had suspicions. A few weeks before the big day, I had suspected something was up with my husband. He has been caught in lies several times, and Ive suspected infidelity/inappropriate behavior, but never had any hard evidence good enough to prove that my gut was right. I had to take an old phone of his because mine had broken. He is very secretive with his phone and acted nervous about this. I set my sim card up and started using it. I already had suspicions so I admit i did some snooping. Didnt find anything at first. I did see that he had recently installed and then uninstalled SnapChat though, which was odd because we have always been against it. Both agreed not to use it. I asked him about it, and he got defensive and said that he had installed it at work one day because they were all joking around with the filters. Okay. No biggie. But he was very defensive and that led us to having a small argument that night. I went to bed and so did he and we didnt say much else about it.

His reaction kept bothering me. So I searched some more. I didnt find any cheating information initially, but I found a TON of porn in his Google Activity. It was disturbing to me mainly because it was completely opposite of me. I confronted him about it, and he got mad. He was such a jerk about it. He actually said to me that he looked at them because they were hotter than me. I was so mad and hurt. I was 3 months postpartum at the time with our 4th child. I asked him to leave, and he did. He stayed at his parents for a week (as far as I know), eventually apologized for it all (everything he said to me) and even said he would stop the porn. He said he understood how it would make me insecure and that we needed to get back in church and on the right path for our marriage. So he came back home.

Even after our reconciliation, something still didn't feel right to me. I just had a gut feeling I couldn't get rid of. I put an app on the phone I was using that recovered deleted photos. And low and behold, I finally found concrete evidence that something was going on. It was a screenshot of pictures of a raunchy girl's ass from SnapChat (I knew something was up) and he had written to her "Girl, you gotta send me some more of those booty pics. I am heartbroken that they go away." I was so LIVID, hurt, shocked, heartbroken, you name it. He was gone at the time. I waited for him to get home before confronting him. I asked him who the girl was. It was someone from work. His story was that we were arguing, she just sent them to him for not reason, and yes he was wrong for what he said to her but that nothing else happened. I still had her number in the phone i was using from his contacts and I messaged her and confronted her. She said it wasn't her. However, it showed it was "Amanda from work" in the contact on Snapchat, and it was the same number i was messaging. So she is a liar just like him. I was so mad, I forwarded the picture to all his co-workers. know that was bad of me. I guess I wanted revenge at the time.

He left again at my request, this time for 2 weeks. He begged for forgiveness, but at the same time downplayed the seriousness of it. He told me that he quit his job. Then a week later he told me that they had called from work saying that the girl quit and asked him to come back. So he went back to the job. He eventually came back here after promising to be an open book. He promised passwords to his email, completely deleted his Snapchat (which Im sure there was more I would have found), told me I could look through his phone anytime, etc. That lasted a whole week. He actually blames me for not complying with my requests to rebuild trust by saying since I forwarded the message to all his coworkers, he cant chance me doing something like that again. Shortly after all this, I discovered I was pregnant again. Not planned because i was 3 months postpartum and we used birth control, but God knew different. A few weeks after he went back to his job I had a friend call his work and ask for Amanda, and sure enough she still works there. He lied about that as well.

So months after all this, I am still catching him in lies. He says he doesn't speak to her at all at work. He says that the Snapchat I saw was all that happened. He says that he wont lie to me again, but I am still catching him on a pretty regular basis. He is never REALLY remorseful. He usually has some excuse that makes it my fault that he lies. Or he downplays what happened. He still says that what he did is not cheating. I disagree, and it makes me SO ANGRY just hearing him say that.

So basically now, I see the situation for how it is, it just sucks. I honestly dont think counseling would even work because he likes to twist things and shift responsibility to me. Nothing is ever really his fault. Im not expecting expert advise on what to do, because it is what it is. I came here to vent my story and not be called crazy or gaslighted into thinking I did something to cause it. As stated I have 4 small children with him, and number 5 on the way. Although this time is difficult, I am very thankful for that. I have been a stay at home mom since number 4 was born but before that I worked 2 part time jobs, and before that full time. I think he has this thinking that he can act however he wants, because I am stuck. But I know Im not. I have been looking for remote jobs that I can work from home so that I dont have to depend on him and put up with being treated this way anymore. I have realized just how little he cares and have accepted it. And am working little by little to get my independence back. I am devastated that things have folded out this way. But I know I cannot change him, only myself. So please wish me luck and pray for me and my kids. Thank you for letting me vent.. If you read all of that bless you. It feels so much better just typing it all out. No interruptions, no being called crazy for feeling how I feel. Thanks again.

DesertLily posted 6/22/2019 00:11 AM

Welcome to SI, Kb82. Sorry you have a reason to find us, but glad you did.

You're absolutely right:

You're not crazy!

You're not at fault!

He's full of sh!%!

Please, if you haven't done so already, head up to the Healing Library. Lots of great info there, but you sound like you're on the right track.

No words of advice, just wishing you welcome.

sassylee posted 6/22/2019 01:12 AM

Good for you KB! You have a plan. That’s the first step, because you are NOT crazy. And you are not responsible for your WH’s choices and actions. Nothing you did resulted in his choice to cheat. His selfishness, and lack of integrity and self-respect are at the root of his cheating.

Please read the healing library - lots of gems in there. And you are right. He thinks you’re stuck...but you know better. Get your ducks lined up. You see through his false bravado and you’ll find a way out. Until then, keep reading and keep posting.

We got your back.

nowYOUseeME posted 6/22/2019 01:30 AM

You are amazing! dont forget that and dont let him take that from you.

I found 5 months after dd that I was expecting. It was a huge shock and its hard dealing with hormones from pregnancy and the rollercoaster of betrayal. Make sure you t as keep care of you first and check out the healing library. It's really helpful and a blessing during such a hard time.

nowYOUseeME posted 6/22/2019 01:30 AM

You are amazing! dont forget that and dont let him take that from you.

I found 5 months after dd that I was expecting. It was a huge shock and its hard dealing with hormones from pregnancy and the rollercoaster of betrayal. Make sure you t as keep care of you first and check out the healing library. It's really helpful and a blessing during such a hard time.

Kb82 posted 6/22/2019 05:30 AM

Thank you both so much for your kind words and support. Just reading them i feel so much better. I can't afford therapy at the moment, so this is my therapy. It's so frustrating when you believe someone is sorry and try to forgive them, only realizing they were never really sorry to begin with. His words are just words. His actions definitely don't match up. And that has been the hardest part for me. He will promise stuff, break it, but when I react to that and get upset I'm the crazy one. And he always has a reason for not keeping his word. Again, usually my fault. He got caught in a lie about his whereabouts a few days ago. I thought we were finally making some progress only to find out he's still lying. His reason for lying? Because "I get mad if he breaths wrong". If you consider exchanging inappropriate pictures with a coworker and lying straight to my face constantly breathing wrong, then yes I guess he is right. Another frustrating factor is that he just tries to act like everything is normal. Issues never get resolved, but he tries to hug me and talk like nothing's wrong and if I say anything to the effect of it still bothering me he gets annoyed. I am learning to detach from him and have been reading about the 180 process. I have been putting my all into trying to work things out with him in the past but he does not put effort in. He pretends but his promises never mean anything. To save myself I have got to stop letting it get to me and remember it's mostly all a game to him. Again thank you all for letting me vent and for your reassurance and support. ♥️

Nowyouseeme, I'm sorry you dealt with this while pregnant as well. The emotions are hard enough without the people that are supposed to love and cherish us the most putting us through this while carrying their child. It absolutely all boils down to selfishness. Prayers to you. ♥️

The1stWife posted 6/22/2019 06:52 AM

He’s not a husband he’s your child. That is how he is behaving.

And I would be resentful of having to parent a grown man who acts as a child.

I like your plan. I like your statement “you are not stuck with him”.

May I suggest you tell him he has a choice in life - to be a man and husband you can rely on. Have trust in. Build a good marriage with. He needs to stop lying and stop being deceptive.

Then explain to him you will not be his mother - but his wife. He owes you respect and honestly and if he cannot provide that, the marriage will not be what it should be. That you will have no way if relying on him.

Then leave the room. It’s not a discussion. It’s a statement of fact. It’s letting him know you won’t tolerate this behavior forever.

And then watch his actions. Don’t confront him every time when he lies the next time or does not follow through on a promise. But one day you will (maybe months or weeks later) - and it will be a warning to him.

You are letting him know you are aware of his choices to lie or cheat. But you are just not focusing on it and fighting about it right now. But the day will come that if he doesn’t change - you will be prepared to leave.

And he cannot he surprised because you let him know all along what you saw. You just did nit engage in his stupid game. You detached. You treated him like an adult. Not a child.

Odonna posted 6/22/2019 06:53 AM

This may not work if he is really entrenched in his self-justification, but download the free pdf book “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.” It is a short recipe-book for what a cheater needs to do to re-build a marriage. Primary point is that the WS has to “get” what the BS is going through. The book is short and to the point, and if anything can wake him up, it can. If he refuses to read it then that gives you an answer too. And in that case you will have to file for divorce, because if you do not then he will know he can do anything and you will not leave. But that is what he believes now...

With almost five kids, and no current job, I know that is a daunting prospect. But consider an in-house separation while you get your ducks lined up. Really digest the 180 and detach.

But, maybe he will read the book. Try something like:”I am struggling because you do not seem to understand the devastation that your relationship with Amanda and your lies about it have caused me. This book explains it in a very clear way. Please read it and then we can talk.” If he refuses: “this is not a request. This is necessary if you want me to remain your wife.” And then walk away from him and do not engage. Just repeat the last sentence if necessary. Nothing else.

Read the book first for yourself. It will help you a lot, and you will better understand what to look for in his behavior.

[This message edited by Odonna at 6:56 AM, June 22nd (Saturday)]

nekonamida posted 6/22/2019 08:17 AM

In, your plan to get your ducks in a row is a good one. Unfortunately I think there is so much more to the story between him and the coworker. And I think it's still going on which is why he took your access away to his phone and passwords and why he's acting like a typical cheater. Even if nothing more did happen, however unlikely that is, he'd still be a cheater and you are not to blame for any of this. It's 100% on him.

Kb82 posted 6/22/2019 10:43 AM

The1stwife, i totally agree it's a parent/child situation. I have pointed it out to him before. He's a recovering opiate addict so I think that factors in and it's partly my fault. When we first got married he relapsed. I was constantly giving advice and putting up with stuff I normally wouldn't trying to fix him and heal him. Instead of ever making him take responsibility for anything I blamed it on the addiction, said it wasn't who he really is, etc. After years of that pattern I have finally realized he's a grown man and should know right from wrong on his own. It's not my job to coach him or teach him how he should be. So although it's been a very long road, I am finally there. He used to blame things he did on his addiction as well. Now that he's not active in it anymore he blames it on me. Pretty ironic. He didn't come home for a few days and actually had the nerve to ask me to wash his work shirt. The sad thing is I normally would have. This time I said hell no. I told him he should come get it and wash it himself. He didn't and was mad at me when he picked it up dirty the next morning. Oh well. I have 5 kids that need me. I don't need a 6th. Being able to vent here to people that understand has helped so much already. He's been gaslighting me for years. After so long you really start believing the problem is you. Thank you all so much. I appreciate your input and will check into everything you all have suggested. The 180 is helping me big time as well.

Kb82 posted 6/22/2019 11:12 AM

Nekonmida, i agree there's probably more going on. I find it hard to believe a coworker would just send pics of her ass to a man she knew was married and just had a baby and 3 other kids for no reason. He made it sound like she just did it for no reason at all. Like he's some kind of victim.

BearlyBreathing posted 6/22/2019 11:26 AM

KB82,

Congrats on the new little one! I agree that and your other kids are your 100% focus. Since therapy is not in the budget, do you have a pastor or someone who can provide support? And I also want to see if you can speak to a lawyer just to understand what the future might look like if he doesn’t get his sh*t together. It will help you get your ducks in a row and plan appropriately. A group like Al-Anon may have resources as well since your WH is an addict.

I am sorry you are here, but glad you sound so level headed.
(((kb82)))

ChamomileTea posted 6/22/2019 13:01 PM

I have been looking for remote jobs that I can work from home so that I dont have to depend on him and put up with being treated this way anymore. I have realized just how little he cares and have accepted it. And am working little by little to get my independence back.

This is a good plan. You might also consider going back to school while he's paying your expenses, even if it's online job training. Start stashing cash in a separate bank account. You can cash over for small amounts while shopping. Eventually, it adds up. Get a credit card in your name only and start building a credit rating. Move some assets into your name only. And protect your sexual health. Get tested and don't trust him not to give you an STI.

((hugs))

Kb82 posted 6/22/2019 13:13 PM

Thank you BearlyBreathing. I actually did meet with a lawyer right after it happened and before finding out I'm expecting again. He basically told me to make a plan before proceeding so that the kids and I aren't suffering while waiting for child support, etc. He was a good lawyer and although it wasn't what I wanted to hear at the time it made sense. He advised me to save money until I had enough to get us by while waiting on the courts. As far as a pastor to talk to, we have not been in church in a couple of years so I don't really know anyone at the moment. I caught him lying again just today. I'm not saying anything anymore. I know the truth and that's all that matters. Seeing that he's got a major problem with lying is actually making me stronger.

Kb82 posted 6/22/2019 13:28 PM

ChamomileTea, yes. I agree with everything you said. Luckily being pregnant I just got tested and am good on that. I am not being intimate with him anymore. Him even hugging me makes me cringe right now. I've applied for several jobs. Was hoping for Amazon. They are not hiring in my area at the moment. But found several other companies, updated my resume, and applied. I also do a little on eBay and Etsy, so that helps. I'm actually looking forward to the future. It sucks things are how they are with 5 amazing kiddos. But I am glad I see it for what it is now instead of giving him my heart, trusting him, and being let down time and time again. I keep catching him lying, which actually helps. It used to crush me because I was hoping for the best. Everytime I have snooped I always hope I will be wrong and see he is being truthful. The sad thing is I never see that. I always find more lies. And until recently, i didn't even Snoop much. So that makes me realize there's most definitely so much more I don't know.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 6/23/2019 02:09 AM

KB

I’m sooo sorry you’re here..
Honestly you guy is right on!!! He’s having an affair you’re gonna have to hire a PI and go full tactical on him once you get all the details and kick his ass to divorce court.
Honey he’s manipulating you.
I know it’s hard but you should Lawyer up and get half of all the money and send him packing

Good luck

Hurtbeyondtime posted 6/23/2019 02:09 AM

KB

I’m sooo sorry you’re here..
Honestly you guy is right on!!! He’s having an affair you’re gonna have to hire a PI and go full tactical on him once you get all the details and kick his ass to divorce court.
Honey he’s manipulating you.
I know it’s hard but you should Lawyer up and get half of all the money and send him packing

Good luck

Kb82 posted 6/23/2019 09:59 AM

Hurtbeyondtime, i agree with you. I definitely think it's still going on. I can't afford a p.i. at the moment but am planning on that when I can and the time is right. I currently am tracking my own vehicle via Gps. He drives it some. I purchased the tracker for his vehicle but only had it a matter of days in my car and him using it to find more lies. So I check it, find lies, and just don't say anything anymore. No point in confronting him on lies because he will just lie more. But I use it for my own reassurance. I have detached fron him and am just working on healing myself and getting strong. I used to be so strong and independent. It's funny how years of manipulation can change you. But the blinders have lifted, and I am determined to get back there. Thank you for your support. ♥️

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