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I Decided Against Reconciliation

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steadychevy posted 6/23/2019 15:50 PM

As hard as it was, it was the right thing to do. He's trying to hoover you back in. He wants you to commit to waiting for him while he figures out if he wants to commit you. He can't make a decision but you can and did. Stick to it. What's he giving the relationship? Sounds like he's afraid of losing the golden goose. He might have to go to work.

You will question what you're doing and second guess yourself. His actions speak louder than words, though. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

I'm so, so sorry this is happening for you at the beginning stages of your own family. Being pregnant and dealing with the stress of the betrayal must be brutal. Stay strong, BeenBetrayed. Lean on SI.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/23/2019 17:46 PM

Update: 6-23-19

This is horrible agony. Now that I have unblocked him, I am sitting here waiting in pure misery and agony to see if he will reach out again and want to talk. This is why I blocked him previously. He begged me to unblock, and now nothing? Why am I torturing myself? This is so painful. I am too tired because of the pregnancy to get up and move around or go occupy myself, so I just lay here and think about when he will text me or speak with me? I want this pain to go away so badly. I can't take the stress. I feel so hopeless, and dead inside. I feel strong and then that fades away. I can't focus on anything fun like the baby shower, or setting up my registry or enjoying my day. He has ruined them all. At least, I am allowing him to ruin them all. When will this go away? I have never felt so lonely, when he was always there and by my side and now he is gone forever. I can't do this anymore but have to keep him in my life because of this baby. This pain is too strong and i don't know where to go, who to talk to or what to say or think. I am so dependent on him and his love that nothing else matters to me. I can't do this.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/23/2019 17:53 PM

Also, how can I even be done with him if he has to be a father to my baby? After he hurt me this much and killed my soul. How do i stop waiting on his messages? Someone help me

nekonamida posted 6/23/2019 17:57 PM

BB, you don't HAVE to talk to him until the baby's born. Did a lawyer or judge tell you to unblock him? No? Then reblock him and stop torturing yourself. If you really need to, give him an email address and only check it when you feel comfortable and can handle contact.

You're right that on some level you are allowing this to get to you by unblocking him and opening yourself up to more pain from him even if that's the pain of not hearing from him after he begged you for this chance. You WILL heal and move on but it will be much harder and much more painful if you keep giving him ammo like this to hurt you with. So stop giving him power and protect yourself.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/23/2019 18:02 PM

Part of me wants to reconcil and he says he does too. But now, I feel that he just wants me to suffer as I made him. I just can't bring myself to block him again. He said "I work tonight and tomorrow" meaning he isn't going to get in touch with me on those days but now it is sunday and he doesn't work, and nothing. Did he change his mind about reconciling? DId he find another woman again? Or go back to his old one, and say forget it, about me? How could he do this to me still if he says he loves me? The only genuine thing I get from him is that he says he does still love me. But, everything else is a gray area. Despite all I have said, he is a good person deep inside. He helped me gain a relationship with God, he keeps asking me and wanting to take care of this baby. He is a good father. I don't know where our relationship went so wrong and got so destroyed. Why did he ruin our family? I don't know if I will ever get the answers I am looking for.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/23/2019 18:05 PM

There has to be a way for me to stop obsessing about not getting texts so I can move on. Even without blocking. NC is smart, but I also am using it as a power technique to gain an upper hand in the situation, and this isn't smart either. I just want to stop obsessing.

k8la posted 6/23/2019 18:17 PM

You don't owe him anything. You need to block him for your health and safety and sanity, not because you're doing some power play - I'm guessing the power play phrase came from him. He's so wrapped up in himself and HIS needs that he has no idea he's putting your health and the safety of your baby at risk.

Imagine quietly closing the door, blocking, not checking for texts, cutting off access to anyone who conveys messages, and wait for your curiosity and pain to ease as you focus on your life as a mom and woman in your own right.

You deserve far more than the crumbs you are waiting for him to discard from his plate.

He's the one doing the power play. If you were your daughter, how would you advise her to move on?

Cooley2here posted 6/23/2019 19:43 PM

Been betrayed. Please try to look at this from a distance. That is where we are. We are looking at your relationship from a distance. What we see is a man who has never grown up. He manipulated you, he mistreats you, he is mean to you, and then begs to come home. That is the mind of a child. This is never going to get better. He is going to treat every woman that enters his life the very same way. I won’t be a bit surprised if he completely loses interest in the baby. He is not grown-up enough to be a parent. He loved having you look after his daughter because you are an adult. This relationship is not sustainable. Look at it from the same distance as we do and you will see what we see.

nightowl1975 posted 6/24/2019 01:23 AM

He never was this narcissistic, controlling person I am seeing coming through the cracks

Here’s the thing. He HAS always been this person you are just now seeing. People with personality disorders can hide behind a mask for about two years, give or take, before most will start to show some signs if we know what to look for.

These narcissistic, selfish, controlling characteristics that you’re seeing? This. Is. Him. This is who he is. All of the sunshine and roses they portray in the early days is a ruse to lure you in.

You’re young, you’re not married, and the baby hasn’t been born yet. Do you have family nearby? If not, do you have family that would be supportive if you moved closer to them? I would STRONGLY suggest blocking him (again... and know it’s totally normal to unblock and need to re-Block again), then meet with an attorney to find out your rights as far as the baby is concerned. Could you move far away/back home/etc if you wanted to and did so prior to the baby arriving? I wouldn’t hold my breath on an unemployed, living with mommy, having his second child with the second baby mama dude paying anything substantial, but you should establish parameters for child support and visitation once your baby arrives.

I wouldn’t even attempt reconciliation with this guy. He doesn’t want to even commit to you in the first place and even if he said he did, how would you even begin to believe him? His behavior in your short relationship has been deplorable. Expect nothing but more of the same if you choose to continue with him.

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/24/2019 07:37 AM

Update 6-24-19

As it stands, it seems most people here believe there isn't a chance of reconcilliation or that my ex isn't a good person. But, what stands true, is his care for his daughter currently, he always puts her first. He is a great dad. I know he will be the same father to our baby. But, I have still decided staying apart is the only way, for now. Even if we never can work things out, I wouldn't ever try and ruin a relationship with his daughter and/or fight him on custody. We talk very level and speak to eachother with respect, as I am sure we will be able to come to an agreement about her situation with care with not much of a fight. He has never been in a relationship before me, with anyone, ever. And although I am irrevocably in love with him, it is hard to accept that he doesn't have to be in return. I think he speaks from a true heart when he says he can't commit because these are his honest feelings. He doesn't want too and he can't. I respect his honesty, because he says although he loves me, he just is scared of commitment and cannot make the leap, and I understand this. I cannot be with him because I cannot trust him. There will be nothing swept under the rug. He has tried desperately to contact me because he wants to take care of me and our baby, as he will always have the underlying care for me. This is why it makes it difficult for me to cut him out. I know I don't owe him anything, but at this time, it is too hard for me to give up on my dream of letting him care for us. He is constantly trying to step up for us even though he's generally depressed/mentally unstable. The house we shared together is empty as of now.

His daughter's things are still in her room, but he has finally given me back his key and taken most of the remainder of his belongings. He wants to go therapy desperately and begs me to go with him. I think he is having a hard time letting me go, even moreso than I am of letting him go. He feels an overwhelming need to be here for me and the baby.

Just so everyone knows, yes, I was STD tested straight away after learning about the cheating. It was negative. We have not kissed ot been together in a sexual manner since I found out.

How do we have a relationship (platonically) where he is able to care for me and the baby? What are the next steps? I WANT him there, even though it is hard for me. It stresses me out further to have him gone completely from my life. I want to co-parent the right way, but these residual feelings of mistrust and betrayal are causing me to act crazy. I would say that moving on emotionally from him are to be my best bet. But, how can I move on from him emotionally and detach? There must be a way, and I have to do it so we can pursue this parenting relationship that I need so badly.

[This message edited by BeenBetrayed5 at 7:38 AM, June 24th (Monday)]

BeenBetrayed5 posted 6/24/2019 07:52 AM

---- to add -----

I feel like the reason it is so hard for me to have him stick around is because I think he is sleeping with other people, and thinking of this hurts. He reassures me he is not and it seems true, but I have no hard copy proof of this. But, if we are just friends, it shouldn't matter if he is sleeping around or not. We are not together, so the point is, is that he can sleep around and date as he wishes. As can I.

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