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Really don't know what to do after this d-day #5

Jennie7 posted 6/20/2019 15:53 PM

This is really long, and I think I already know the answer to this, but I am nevertheless looking for advice, since maybe someone is on a similar journey, or can relate.
I am (we are?) In R.

D-day 1 was Jan 1 2018, when I caught him texting really inappropriate things to a family friend. His mother was even encouraging him to go with her and actually took him out of the state to meet her.

D-day 2...approx a month later, when I was still checking his phone to see if he was talking to D-day girl number 1... Instead I found he was talking to a different girl entirely in another state sending sexual texts including very explicit video.

D-day 3 June 2018 found out he actually had sex with someone while I was on a work trip. I am still not clear if this was a woman by birth or a transgender woman.

D-day 4 Nov 2018 found snapchats between himself and a transgender woman. She was sending him nude photos (she has breasts and a penis) and he was telling her how much he wanted to be with her.

I kick him out, and days later he is telling me that's because he says he was raped in college by a man while blacked out drunk, and is confused. He says he will quit drinking (he is an alcoholic) and go to therapy.


D-day 5 January 2019 This is kind of really where sh*t hits the fan for me. My 14 year old daughter tells me she can't stand her dad's(my ex husband) new gf... To be fair dad's girlfriend is horrible for many reasons. That is pretty irrelevant. My ex husband's girlfriend had told my daughter that my boyfriend fooled around with my ex-husband's (gay) brother. (Hopefully you reading can follow this insanity...lol) My daughter said the possibility of that was absurd and I agreed. Then the more I thought about it, I figured there was some truth to it, due to the transgender he was speaking to. After all, I never knew he liked penis sexually. My bf denied, and we moved on. I kept this in my mental rolodex.
2 months later, my ex-brother-in-law texts me and says "you really need to talk to bf" he is super cryptic and doesnt answer the phone when I call him (meaning my ex brother in law) I confront my bf and he spirals into threatening to kill himself. He leaves the house for hours and has taken a box cutter with him. while he is gone, I am able to get into his iPad and look through his Instagram search history I see that he frequently looks at transgender women on Instagram.
I end up finding him on the beach very late. I go search for him because I am worried he has killed himself. He still denies that this happened.
I am still skeptical, and don't know what to believe.

May 2019 My ex-brother-in law calls me And says all of this has been weighing on him too long and I need to know the truth from his mouth. He says that they slept together. It was a night I was out of town. He said it was amazing and he fell in love with my bf. He even mentioned my bf being raped in college. Since technically he knew this information even before I did, I figured that they must have been in an intimate moment for my bf to disclose that.
I don't mention that I spoke to him to my bf. Instead I go through his phone records.
I see about 5 outgoing phone calls to my ex-brother in law from about 8 months ago. Some of them have them talking for 10 or 20 minutes. It should be known that I don't really have a great relationship with my ex husband or his brother. There is literally no reason why my boyfriend would be talking to this person for 20 minutes especially with me not present.
I see other incoming phone calls or texts after that that my boyfriend doesn't seem to pick up.
I then literally google every single phone number that I find on his AT&T statement.
One thing of interest was I found right after D-day 3 when we split up, he was texting a transgender escort. Literally a whole page of texts. I find lots of other numbers that are connected to google voices or disconnected which makes me think that they are escorts as well.

I am now living out of state with him and stuck in a lease for 6 more months on a place I definitely can't afford alone. He has been sober since January 2019. I feel like I am putting up a facade every single day with this R I always make excuses not to have sex with him because quite honestly he repulses me.
I really don't know what to do about all this.
I feel like an idiot after my whole family knows my boyfriend had sex with my ex's brother? This is insane. Even talking to my ex husband now triggers me, including gay and trans people. I never had this problem before.
I am starting therapy on Thursday.

[This message edited by Jennie7 at 4:03 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Hephaestus2 posted 6/20/2019 16:04 PM

I can related somewhat because I was married to an alcoholic. With the advantage of hindsight, I would say that my wife and I had no hope of dealing with our relationship problems or dealing with her affair as long as she was drinking. Going to marriage counselors and reading books on affair and working on our marriage etc ... all of it ... completely totally pointless.

Books that deal with affair recovery rarely deal with addiction. A few books that deal with marriages in crisis will tell you that it is unproductive to deal with "problems in the marriage" until you have dealt with the addiction. Even then, it can be years of sobriety before it makes any sense to begin to deal with relationship problems.

Many marriage counselors will refuse to work with a couple if there is an unresolved addiction problem.

You have bigger problems than an extramarital affair.

ibonnie posted 6/20/2019 16:47 PM

Live like roommates for the next six months, and in the meantime, make plans to get a place without him.

I'm not sure why you would want to stay? What work is he/has he been doing on himself? What makes you think you're in R?

Cooley2here posted 6/20/2019 17:00 PM

He is either gay and can’t accept it, so he fools himself into thinking the transgendered is a woman, or he is into transgendered people. Either way he is cheating. This is absolutely black and white. He is cheating, has been cheating, will continue to cheat. The alcohol makes it easier for him to make excuses to himself. You need to get out of this relationship yesterday.

I wish a transgendered person would respond to this because I am guessing this is something they have to deal with.

T/j. Years ago a well known travel writer transgendered from male to female. She and her former wife never lost their love for each other and remarried years later. I love happy endings but you can’t have one with a lying cheater...... who is an alcoholic. Too much baggage.

Jennie7 posted 6/20/2019 17:02 PM

Thanks ibonnie it's hard because I don't know how to keep up with this façade for 6 more months. Did I mention I support him? He's broke. He only pays rent in 2 late payments each month. For example, he will give me June's rent June 5th or something, then the other half like June 18th. He doesn't have extra for bills, food, anything. I pay for that, and front the rent (4500$) on time every month. I am a single mom with 2 kids too.
He is in AA. He stopped therapy because it was costing him 1000$ a month and I told him I was really resenting him for finding the $ to do that while I paid the gas, electric, internet trash and water bills myself every month on time with not enough extra for therapy of my own. I told him although he needs it, it's beyind selfish at this point. At least AA is free.

Hephaestus2 thanks, you are right about addiction. Can you elaborate on what you mean when you say I have bigger problems than an extramarital affair though?

OwningItNow posted 6/20/2019 17:10 PM

I am able to get into his iPad and look through his Instagram search history I see that he frequently looks at transgender women on Instagram. 
I end up finding him on the beach very late. I go search for him because I am worried he has killed himself. He still denies that this happened. 
I am still skeptical, and don't know what to believe.

When I got to where you said "I am still skeptical and don't know what to believe," I knew that your overly empathetic codependency was far more of a problem to you than these people will ever be. The fact that they can be so dysfunctional and so ill and so selfish in their pursuits of whatever with no regard for you, yet you remain skeptical as you give your bf and all of these actors in this Greek tragedy the benefit of the doubt shows that your tolerance for brokenness is sky high, and this self-sabotaging "good quality" in you will keep you knee deep in sick people for the rest of your life. Most people would have been done with the bf with the inappropriate texting and mom of the year's support in January 2018. And during all of these sick discoveries, you signed a lease with him???? Why????? What month in all of this abusive mess where he is the ill child and you are the super mom did you SIGN A LEASE?

I am very sorry. I am a recovering CoD myself, so I understand the wounded animal draw. But really, you are not in an adult relationship. He is NOT your problem. You and your desire to keep him around is the problem.

I am overjoyed to hear about IC. Go twice a week if you can. You will need to build yourself up and get strong to get away from this grown man who needs to work on his own deep rooted issues. You have a 14 year-old daughter? Geeze.

Read about codependency.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:12 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

OwningItNow posted 6/20/2019 17:14 PM

No, nothing in your update about supporting this out of work and very ill person is surprising. Please, you have kids to protect. Talk to your landlord, break this lease. Focus on your kids and not on having a significant other until your picker is fixed. That's what I had to do.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 5:14 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

StillLivin posted 6/20/2019 17:18 PM

You don't know what to do? Really? I was confused after the first Dday. My 2d Dday was finding out he broke NC and was still secretly texting and calling his long distance AP...that's right, no sex. My 2d Dday was my last.
Oh he was raped. Poor baby, I get it. I was sexually abused from the time I was 14 til I left home for good at 16. I was raped once in the military and attacked 3 more times but got away. Know what I wasn't? A cheater.
I'm sorry your spouse was raped. No reason to cheat. It's just not.
Get out. It would take years of therapy for your cheater to be healthy enough to be in a monogrammed relationship.
I was absolutely heart broken and crushed that I had to get divorced, but the only other alternative was to be with a cheater and have another, or 5 Ddays. That's not much of a choice. Know what I dont regret? I dont regret divorcing and doing what was best for my self worth. My cheater was about as remorseless as yours. Still is. It took a while to heal, bit life is great now without that POS dragging me down with him.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 5:30 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

Hephaestus2 posted 6/20/2019 17:43 PM

>>>>Hephaestus2 thanks, you are right about addiction. Can you elaborate on what you mean when you say I have bigger problems than an extramarital affair though? <<<<

I don't mean anything complicated. I just meant that your boyfriend's addiction(s) is the bigger problem right now. It will take a long time (years?) before he is able to sort out what has been happening to him, to regain his footing, and to begin to behave like a grownup. It will also be a long time (years?) before you are able to clearly understand what effect his addiction(s) has had on you and on your relationship with him. At that point it might be possible for you to begin to deal with things like his infidelities and the various LGBT isssues that have come up.

Praxidike posted 6/20/2019 23:09 PM

My heart goes out to you. This man is a total mess & he's managed things so that you're completely responsible financially. That is some fine manipulation on his part. None of his problems are yours to solve; not his drinking, his past history & resulting trauma, his sexual preferences, the cheating, etc. All of those things are his to resolve to the best of his ability. What he does to support his sobriety is his responsibility. He isn't in a place to be able to do the work of a WS right now, his main focus should be his sobriety and dealing with his traumas.

All you need to do is decide what your boundaries are, what the consequences will be, where are your red lines, and what you're going to do. Have you had a full panel of STD testing done? Are you doing an in-house separation? Are you doing the 180 in the Healing Library?

At a bare minimum you need to disentangle your finances, start saving as much money as possible & gather important paperwork. For a start I'd be honest with him about where you are emotionally, specifically about having sex, there is no reason to be ashamed/embarrassed about not being in the right frame of mind. You don't 'owe' him any extra consideration or tiptoeing around the truth. This is part of the consequences of his choices. Keep your plans about the future close to your chest. Keep those cards face down, including to your family. There's significant dysfunction in your family, would be best not to share.

Hephaestus2 posted 6/21/2019 18:38 PM

Praxidike - I liked your last post. It is short, sweet, and to the point. It is practical. It is very clear about who is responsible for what.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 6/21/2019 23:02 PM

Oh Jennie.

First off, I am so so sorry that you are here and having to deal with this.

Second, although your story has many insane twists to it, know that all infidelity is trauma, and we are all survivors here - you are not alone.

I thought I had the market cornered on dysfunctional WH's with secret sexual preferences, but clearly I didn't. I will give you the bare bones of my situation - XH was a single dad of two daughters when we met. After we moved in together I discovered his severe sex addiction when I kept finding my underwear covered in oil, knotted and torn up in the corners of the shower, in couch cushions, shoved in a hole he cut in our mattress etc. He was a compulsive masturbator who would use anything including but not limited to baby oil, his daughters' conditioner, vegetable oil, mineral oil, lotion, margarine, and mayonnaise. I would find giant forearm sized dildos, as well as vegetables such as cucumbers and eggplants. I found high heels that were much too large for a woman to wear covered in oil in his closet. Through some anecdotal evidence, I'm pretty positive that XH was sexually abused as a child, though he would never admit it. After his A, I discovered phone records with numerous calls to escorts, (yes, you're right, the Google Voice thing is very common with escorts/call girls) then discovered his persistent meth habit.

I bring all of this up because I want you to know that although the details of our stories are different, the levels of dysfunction are comparable. I completely understand where you are coming from. You can see the dysfunction, and you feel so terrible for this person that you want to help. But it is not on you to help him!!!!

Due to the particulars of my situation, there was a LOT of gaslighting and manipulation, so I know it well, and I empathize with you, I do. Over time you are trained not to believe your own thoughts, even when the facts are right there in front of you.

I agree with Cooley, I wish there was someone transgender who could bring their perspective to the table here. I will try to tread lightly here, but I think my situation allows me to bring some perspective that others might not have. After discovering things like the dildos, I questioned my XH's sexuality. Not to the same degree that you are with your BF, but it was definitely there. Some off-handed comments he had made, along with some other sexual behaviors he preferred when with me were now drawn into sharp focus. But because all of these discoveries were happening at the same time, my feelings of distrust over his mutilation of my property and the subsequent lying and gaslighting about it were conflated with my feelings of confusion over his sexual preferences, and I felt guilty about that. You might find yourself feeling guilty for not trusting him because you do not want to seem homo or trans phobic. But whether he cheated with a woman, a man, a trans woman, a trans man, or anything else within the spectrum of sexuality, the issue is that he cheated, period. Your acceptance of the LGBT community is not on trial here!

It also sounds like your boyfriend has a lot of shame surrounding these behaviors, and you might want to rug sweep these things because you don't want to shame him any more. You want to be understanding, and not kink-shame someone. I've been there, I get it! But no matter his sexuality, you are still a victim! And you are under no obligation to remain victimized while he tries to figure himself out!

Being raped makes him a rape victim. That is tragic, no one is discounting that, or belittling that experience. But his victimhood does not give him permission to victimize you as well. There are many rape and sexual assault victims in the world, hell, even just here on SI, who do not go out and cheat on their spouses.

If he was raped in college by a man, that could explain some of these behaviors, but also might not. These issues could be underlying from childhood abandonment or abuse, or even just be linked with his addiction. It is not your responsibility to figure him out! He will only figure these things out through counseling and deep introspection, something he cannot do properly until he is clean and sober.

None of his behavior is your fault. But, and I say this with love, it is your responsibility to get yourself the fuck out of there!

Talk to your landlord. You don't need to get into the specifics if you don't want to, but sometimes when they hear of details like this, they will be more understanding. I disclosed my situation to the landlord immediately after DDay, and he then helped me convince my XH to sign paperwork absolving me from my responsibility on the lease. You might be able to get out of the lease due to extenuating circumstances. Offer to help fix things up, to be available for showings so that they can get a new tenant, anything you can do to get yourself out of there.

It sounds like your BF is close with his parents, or at least his mom. Could he move in with mom and have her cover his expenses instead of you?

Your kids deserve to live in a stable household where the income-earning adult is not also having to keep tabs on the man-child who can't keep his penis to himself.

Agree with everything Praxidike said here:

At a bare minimum you need to disentangle your finances, start saving as much money as possible & gather important paperwork. For a start I'd be honest with him about where you are emotionally, specifically about having sex, there is no reason to be ashamed/embarrassed about not being in the right frame of mind. You don't 'owe' him any extra consideration or tiptoeing around the truth. This is part of the consequences of his choices. Keep your plans about the future close to your chest. Keep those cards face down, including to your family. There's significant dysfunction in your family, would be best not to share.

I know this is really fucking hard. I was so terribly sad when I posted my story here and everyone told me to run far and fast. I desperately wanted to cling on to the man I thought I married. I know you feel for this guy, and you want to do right by him and your relationship. But you have to stop being his security blanket/life raft/emotional punching bag. The only way to help him is to force him to help himself. It will actually help both of you in the end.

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