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If you had an RA...

KonaGal posted 6/20/2019 13:34 PM

Was it really driven by revenge? Right now I'm struggling with feeling undesirable and the thought creeps into my head that I want some proof I could still get it. I mean, I won't. That's what the therapy is for, but in my fantasy the motivation is never revenge. I'm curious if the term is a misnomer or if some of you did feel like it was getting back at your WS.

numb&dumb posted 6/20/2019 13:42 PM

I think there a lot of reasons that a BS would feel like an A (purposely leaving out the R).

I know when I stepped onto the slippery slope my thought process had very little to do with revenge or getting even. It was nice to have someone care and believe that it was genuine. It was not even about my W at all. I stopped it once I realized it was happening, but I didn't consider "revenge."

I was hurting and it seemed to make it hurt less. When you hurt all you want is for it to stop.

I totally get what you are saying

crazyblindsided posted 6/20/2019 13:43 PM

I had a revenge affair (it's still an A). I immediately pursued a co-worker who was previously flirting with me who I kept strong boundaries with until... I discovered my WS's 1st A.

The A would not have happened had I not pursued it. I told my WS that I was going to get back at him by cheating on him and then did

I never felt undesirable per say but I was enraged. My coping skills were nil I didn't care at the time.

I have paid a hefty price for it.

JSS1227 posted 6/20/2019 14:17 PM

I have not had a RA, but the thought pops into my mind occasionally. It’s usually immediately shut down by thoughts of “I don’t want to be like them”. But like you, those thoughts are less about revenge (it’s not really revenge, doesn’t make things “even”.. my WH’s affair blindsided and destroyed me, and decimated what we both feel was a very happy marriage; if I had an A now, what’s it doing? He wouldn’t be blindsided or destroyed, and the “marriage” is already a shit show now). The thoughts of a RA affair are more like what you described.. because I’m feeling less desirable (to him) than his ugly AP, and it would boost my confidence. I had zero self esteem issues prior to his A; now, I’m a mess. Even though a few people that I exposed the A to have described it like this: Looks wise, I’m a 10, WH is a 6, AP is a 2 (I would rate it more like I’m an 8, WH a 7, whore AP a 2-3). I’m far more attractive than AP, and obviously have superior character and morals, and WH and I had a very active and fulfilling sex life in our M...so I’m constantly asking myself the question, “why did he want her at all? Why was he attracted to her? What’s wrong with me? “ of course, we know A’s don’t happen because of anything being wrong with the BS, they happen because there is something wrong with WS (and AP), but the self esteem sure does take a hit after being cheated on, no matter who you are or how attractive you are.

Even though I have not had a RA, I find myself noticing all the opportunities around me..the looks I get in public, random guys that try to strike up conversation with me, whether it’s at the gym, in line at the store, wherever..things I never paid attention to before, because I was happy in my M, and adored and only had eyes for my H. WH has listed one of his excuses for his A was because it was “an opportunity” ..so now I sometimes let him know just how many “opportunities “ are in front of me every single day. I hope to someday get back to a place where I no longer notice these things or care, but for now, I’ll take the little self esteem boosts I get from them.

My “revenge” fantasies are more along the lines of divorcing him, and going on to live a happy life free from adultery and abuse.

Northerngal posted 6/20/2019 14:43 PM

I notice too. I don’t interact with men a lot in my sahm life and part time retail job, so when I come across a cutie, my mind does wander. All in my head of course. I never did that before. I just don’t care as much anymore.

gmc94 posted 6/20/2019 21:35 PM

Even though I have not had a RA, I find myself noticing all the opportunities around me..the looks I get in public, random guys that try to strike up conversation with me....things I never paid attention to before, because I was happy in my M, and adored and only had eyes for my H. WH has listed one of his excuses for his A was because it was “an opportunity” ..so now I sometimes let him know just how many “opportunities “ are in front of me every single day......

My “revenge” fantasies are more along the lines of divorcing him, and going on to live a happy life free from adultery and abuse.

Me too. I had opportunities before dday (IMMEDIATELY called WH - something for which I still feel like a frigging idiot about), and since. I couldn't do it. Hurting my WH won't help me hurt any less.

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/21/2019 07:42 AM

when I come across a cutie, my mind does wander. All in my head of course. I never did that before. I just don’t care as much anymore.

This is me now, too. Before my H cheated, I didn't pay attention or have fantasies. For me, it's not about revenge, per se. It's more a question of why I should care anymore.

The other day, I was at the Walmart. A very young man started talking to me. Said he was new to the area and looking for things to do. I listed a few things. He said he meant cool bars and clubs. I laughed and said, "I'm an old, married woman with kids. I don't go to bars," told him to have a nice day and walked away.

Except for how young he was (didn't even look old enough to go to a bar), I would've thought he was trying to pick me up. Instead, I got all kinds of creeped out, looking for his accomplice, wondering if he was part of a trafficking or theft ring. LOL

I told my H about it. He laughed and said the guy was trying to pick me up. The man-boy was younger than my oldest child.

Amilliondreams posted 6/21/2019 23:09 PM

I had a revenge affair. For the months prior and during and even after i was thinking like you... its not about revenge, its about self esteem, about leveling the marriage out so no one was better than the other, about reclaiming individual empowerment etcetc. Now more than a year out the fog has lifted and i see it as it was. It was absolutely about revenge.

Candyman66 posted 6/21/2019 23:42 PM

Yes mine was. It was with my wife's older sister. I was working on trying to hurt her like she hurt me but at the time I just didn't understand the basic problem with R/A's.

#1, You simply can't hurt them the same because THEY DON'T CARE. If they cared about you,
could they have hurt you this bad?

#2, They are ready for it. This is something they wonder about as SOON AS YOU CATCH THEM!!


I had some others but it really just comes back to #1.

What I got out of it? Great sex!!

What I lost, self respect, kids respect, the moral high ground.


Affect on the marriage, NONE!! I never told her.

Would I do it again, No.

JMO YMMV

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