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If your lover is ashamed to admit to people that s/he is with you

Babette2008 posted 6/19/2019 21:15 PM

Here is what I don't get. If you have an A with a married person, so your entire relationship is hidden from everyone, why is this a relationship you would want to continue? One of my H's APs started texting him out of the blue recently. I want to call her and say "honey, when he describes his relationship with you the adjective he uses is embarrassed. He would be ashamed if anyone found out about you. Is that the kind of relationship you want?" SMH🙄

Justgetitoverwith posted 6/19/2019 21:42 PM

You really should! Call or text and give her a good dose of reality.

I can only imagine it's because they know full well how badly they're behaving, and don't want everyone else to judge them.

OwningItNow posted 6/20/2019 00:19 AM

Two thoughts come to mind. The first is that many people, particularly dysfunctional people, are skillful at lying to themselves. This is especially true if you have narcissistic qualities because no matter what hurtful thing your married AP says or does to you, your narcissistic mind will lie and turn it around. I work with a woman like this, mid forties and never married and desperate. She will overlook or reframe the most obvious brush offs from men because her narcissistic self refuses to see the hurtful truth. It's like watching an actress on a stage instead of a real person as she fake laughs and reframes an insult. So fake.

The second thought is that the word "relationship" gets tossed around a lot here, and it should where marriage is concerned. But affairs are not seen that way. After all, they already have an R. Instead, there are moments, conversations, occasions, and events that occur. In the justifiers mind, "What's wrong with that? It was just a this or just a that." For many there is no conscious choosing to pursue a relationship. In fact, many cheaters argue that there was no "relationship." They were just pursuing a conversation, extending a compliment, accepting an invitation, or attending an event. That's how they can justify reaching out. "I wanted to see how he was doing." But they would never see it as pursuing a relationship. Semantics + cognitive dissonance make the world go round.

LLXC posted 6/20/2019 01:40 AM

Another way of looking at it is - why is a married person entering a relationship they know they have to hide, that they know will hurt the person they purport to love?

I think for a single person: if you are very lonely and/or desperate, you might not see that you're being brushed off. Or they might reframe it, as it might seem better to be with someone in secret than no one at all

Also. Who the hell knows what the married person tells them?

sewardak posted 6/20/2019 05:20 AM

One of my H's APs started texting him out of the blue recently.

why isn't she blocked?

Babette2008 posted 6/20/2019 08:25 AM

@sewardak she's blocked now - she had been blocked on all social media since DD, and they hadn't communicated much for a long time before then so her text was an unwelcome surprise. We both had assumed that she was history. She used a significant date and death of a mutual acquaintance as an excuse to reconnect.

She's almost 20 years younger than my H so I had just assumed that with the passage of time she had realized that she was a middle aged man's midlife crisis ego kibble and moved on.

We're just ignoring it, she'll probably go away.

The1stWife posted 6/20/2019 08:31 AM

I’m sure the married cheater wasn’t telling the OW he was “embarrassed” by her. I am sure it is quite the opposite.

And we wonder “why” the APs hang on. Because they are “loved” and admired and worshipped by the Cheating spouse. At least in their mind that is how they see it.

In reality your H could tell you one thing and tell the AP something different. Like “my wife is a witch” to the OW. And to you the wife you hear the OW “was a mistake and a nightmare”.

At some point the OW heard something positive or was treated well by the CS. Which is why she hangs on.

nightowl1975 posted 6/23/2019 01:25 AM

Honestly? People tend to believe what they need to believe to stay sane. The OW probably believes she’s special. There are lots of reasons for this. I figure it’s not all that different than the mental gymnastics required for the BW to stay in a marriage where she’s been lied to, cheated on, and completely disrespected. Life is complicated and what we actually do and how we feel in certain situations often catches us by surprise. I don’t know that OW are immune to this phenomenon.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 6/23/2019 02:00 AM

Babette
I think this is where WW and OW are in fantasy land. What they have isn’t a relationship it’s purely a booty call.
A relationship is built on trust and respect. What part of an Affair has either of those words in it. None.. in fact it’s built on Lies, deceit, disrespect and lust.. nothing more.. they think it’s passion but it’s not really.. we all had passion with our WS.. infact many got it back during HB but we know how false it really is! The passion fades into familiarity and a real relationship builds on that familiarity and goes beyond all those initial feelings. Love is the sum of these... their Affairs never can get there... because of the it’s all a house of cards.. real to tumble even the LTA.. it was never real.
That’s why most WS stay with their BS because they know this and understand that the A was nothing but a means to free sex.
Tell her that

Rideitout posted 6/23/2019 06:53 AM

I think this is where WW and OW are in fantasy land. What they have isn’t a relationship it’s purely a booty call.

The vast majority of them, including my WW, I agree with you. Ever now and then, there seems to be a story of a WW who's out for some NSA and has an A, but, it's pretty rare. I think it's safe to say that most WW's blow up their relationships/lives for something (love) that's hasn't even crossed the mind of the OM. I'm going to copyright this, but affairs are awful at just about every single thing that a person could want in a relationship, love, respect, caring, building a future together, intimacy... Just about everything absent one; sex. Affairs are really, really good at providing sex. Look at the stories, they tell the tale (as do the statistics). There's a reason the saying "If they were alone, they had sex" is generally accepted here where "If they had sex, they are in love" is not. Because A's almost never include love (at least not from both APs), it's a sexual relationship. This will offend some, but it's really more akin to a professional sexual relationship, you pay me, I sleep with you. So whatever payment you're getting better be worth it. Most of the time, your getting paid, literally, with air (words without intent or meaning associated).

That’s why most WS stay with their BS because they know this and understand that the A was nothing but a means to free sex.

For some, I think that's true. I often jump into BW threads when the OP is struggling with the "did he love question" with a statement like this (to try to help, no, he almost certainly didn't love her, she was just offering free sex and your WH likes sex). But a whole lot of people seem to wind up in an A without really wanting or enjoying "free sex". Those are the people who I don't get, why rob a bank if you don't want money? Oh, you robbed the bank because you wanted to steal the Mona Lisa (love)? Well, moron, you realize that the Mona Lisa isn't in bank vault, it's in the Louvre. You could rob 100 banks, you're still not going to find what you're looking for. But your accomplices, they all know that the Mona Lisa isn't in the vault, but money (sex) is, and that's what they are after and why they do it.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 6:59 AM, June 23rd (Sunday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/23/2019 09:09 AM

a whole lot of people seem to wind up in an A without really wanting or enjoying "free sex". Those are the people who I don't get, why rob a bank if you don't want money?

Because it makes them feel good. Simple as that. They aren't really looking for love. They just like the way they feel when they are around this person who is praising them.

You don't feel good, maybe a sense of pride or accomplishment, when someone tells you that you've done a good job? Or, that all that working out has given you a great body? Compliments are nice to hear.

RIO, your posts always make me chuckle. You say the same things over and over, but don't seem to get anywhere with it. Why your CW cheated is never going to make sense to you because it doesn't make sense. If she had done just for sex, it still wouldn't make sense to you. You'd be on here saying she could've had all the whatever-kind-of-sex she wanted with you. There was no need for her to get it from someone else.

Cheating does not make sense to a noncheater.

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