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You shall know the truth...

DouglasMcM posted 6/17/2019 14:36 PM

How do you reach the point where you believe you are getting the TRUTH! The tears, the remorse, the apologies all seem sincere, but so did the lies of the last 30 years. Now that I know I was catfished all these years that it was all emotional and never went beyond heavy petting, I’m doubtful about everything she tells me.

cancuncrushed posted 6/17/2019 14:57 PM

I could never catch XWH...I tried so very hard...he was an expert cheater, NPD...little did I know.

I had hopium….when there were no answers....I refused to waste my entire years of marriage, without really knowing....little did I know..

HE left me a year ago...with no conversation. months after he left, he indicated in a few sentences that I was verbally abusive???????

Now I know...I went to his apartment...he had picures of his girlfriend licking him...he had them everywhere...he had been seeing her almost a year before he left me....so many lies.

all these years wasted...all these years he looked me in the eye and denied...and lied...and made up stories...Now I know each and every time I suspected, I was right...

All the time I suspected....he would blame the OW...say she was out of control...it wasn't his fault...it was nothing....looking back now, what I knew of, was too much...he had gone too far...it was unexceptable...no matter what he called it...it had done damage...not admitting had done more damage...and continuing had done even more damage.

I was not crushed...I was not hurt at all...I felt smart...I felt I was right...I was not crazy or verbally abusive....finally he was caught...and it was too late....it didn't matter...the love had been gone a long time...just knowing made me feel better...so many people finally get it...and they too have left him. he has been exposed..

It doesn't matter exactly how many times he cheated...how many times I was right...if I was wrong a few times....once is too much....slippery slope is too much...that was my truth...

Seeing how much he lied...how often he lied...how big or small the lie....I never knew him...

You need to decide what is too much....it doesn't have to be exactly what everyone else considers too much...its complicated....its personal...Is it already too much? Can you respect her anymore?

The truth will eat at you, if you cant get it....and yet, when you do get it....it can surprise you...

In cheating.....the lies are rampant. Its often said on SI.....you will never have the whole truth...when they have already told so many lies, how can you ever know? you will always wonder...they will always leave something out...

you can do lie detector....I wish I had....XWH has a seizure disorder....and takes seizure anti anxiety meds...IT could be used as an excuse.... I so wish I had gotten one early on...

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:38 PM, June 17th (Monday)]

survrus posted 6/17/2019 18:05 PM


Have her write out a timeline.

Then take her for a polygraph.

Contact the Inspector Generals office about the OM.

DNA testing for your kids.

Butforthegrace posted 6/17/2019 21:10 PM

The tears, the remorse, the apologies all seem sincere

Nope. She's not feeling remorse, at least based on your posts. Regret, I'm sure she feels. But remorse is rooted in empathy, and empathy shows when she makes an effort to figure out where and how you hurt, what she can do to help you heal, and then does those things. Actions speak WAY louder than words.

For most betrayed spouses, especially those who found out years later, the main thing the WW can do is fill in as many of the details as possible. Help the BH restore his intimate knowledge of his wife during that time.

She is refusing to do this. The one thing you need most. Zero empathy = zero remorse.

fallendown posted 6/17/2019 21:59 PM

After one of my exWWs worse affairs a good friend told me not to go on a truth finding mission as I would never believe it anyway.

Since then exWW and I have had so many conversations during which I've asked "do you not value me and what we had enough to at least be honest" well pucker up because the answer to that one is obviously no, not that she ever answered that way, she just always insists she's told the truth and it's my choice whether I believe it or not.

If we weren't worth being faithful to, why should we think we are worth being honest to

Niceguy25 posted 6/26/2019 00:14 AM

I think the thing that puzzles me most is how she was able to rationalize that fucking someone outside of our marriage for days at a time when she was out of town was a acceptable behavior for a young wife, Christian woman from birth who was married for 13 years at the time. Then to rug sweep it and tell me for years nothing happened only to now learn that a lot happened. Who is this woman and what have yo done with my wife? Then to be resentful that now I want the truth once and for all or I walk belies reality. Does she love me and want our marriage to survive? She says yes, but once again, actions speak louder than words. She tells me I was negligent, wrapped up in work, church, community and unavailable to her. That I did not give her attention she needed, taste the salt of her tears, or realize how alone she felt. Really?...get a dog! We had two small children, were struggling financially, and trying to build a business on top of a presence in the community to drive business to that business. I didn't get it then, and I don't get it now. For 25 years post the A, I thought we were recovered until she reached out to him again "but doesn't know why." I think I know why. The sex must have been incredible.

The1stWife posted 6/26/2019 05:11 AM

She refuses to discuss anything.

She blames you.

She denies writing the birthday card you found.

And claims you had an affair b/c of porn use.

And why oh why do you want to continue to be married to this prize?

sisoon posted 6/26/2019 09:21 AM

There came a point in my interrogations that I sensed I had the truth. That was all I needed.

I don't think a polygraph is normally a good answer, because there's so much I think BSes should know, and the answers are so nuanced - but the poly allows only a few yes/no question.

If you don't think you have the full truth (i.e. the truth that you need), you're probably right.

Niceguy25 posted 6/26/2019 22:03 PM

How does one find a pic of the AP if they aren’t on any social media. He lives in Spokane, is retired military and owns a house, large sailboat, two cars and is married. Anyone?

sisoon posted 6/27/2019 10:29 AM

hit 'submit' by mistake - I meant to cancel

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:35 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 6/27/2019 11:11 AM

If we weren't worth being faithful to, why should we think we are worth being honest to

Love this ^^^

(((DouglasMcM))) I know what you mean. I believe what I know in my M is only the tip of something seriously ugly. Not only is my WS a liar he is unremorseful and has strong narc tendencies. I'm at the point where if his lips are moving I think he's lying.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 11:14 AM, June 27th (Thursday)]

Niceguy25 posted 7/10/2019 08:55 AM

Just returned from a 12 hour road trip to a remote cabin in the woods with my WW. So much was revealed when we could sit undisturbed, face to face, to talk. Yes, the sexual affair with her married older AP was everything I imagined and more. Yes, she regrets getting involved and realizes the stupid, self harm, couple devastation and crisis she put me through. Yes, she is sorry and wants forgiveness and R, and no, she did not love him but was infatuated by him. No, they are not in contact. Now, the ball is in my Court...ADVISE on how to move forward?

Niceguy25 posted 7/10/2019 08:56 AM

Just returned from a 12 hour road trip to a remote cabin in the woods with my WW. So much was revealed when we could sit undisturbed, face to face, to talk. Yes, the sexual affair with her married older AP was everything I imagined and more. Yes, she regrets getting involved and realizes the stupid, self harm, couple devastation and crisis she put me through. Yes, she is sorry and wants forgiveness and R, and no, she did not love him but was infatuated by him. No, they are not in contact. Now, the ball is in my Court...ADVISE on how to move forward?

Butforthegrace posted 7/10/2019 09:43 AM

Nice guy, please repost this in your own thread.

Niceguy25 posted 7/10/2019 12:35 PM

ButforthegraceofGod...not sure what you mean “by my own thread?” This is my thread, I just had to change my UserName.

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 12:39 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Butforthegrace posted 7/10/2019 13:34 PM

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize there was a name change.

In response to your question, one first step would be to ask her what she plans to do to try to help you heal. The answer would be enlightening. Has she thought about this, at all? Does she even have one single concrete act in mind that she thinks will help you heal? If not, why not? She's had all these years to ponder this. If she actually values you as a husband, surely she must have thought up at least one idea.

I'm being somewhat facetious here. But only somewhat. Your description of her so far is that she simply wants you to continue drug sweeping.

Has she read any books? Such as "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair"? A basic first step for her would be to read that book and do everything it recommends.

As to you, my impression is that you should become more of an open book to her in terms of your emotions, mind movies, dreams/nightmares, etc. She should know the magnitude to which this has impacted you. Healing is difficult if she doesn't know what you are healing from.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 1:44 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Washashore posted 7/10/2019 14:01 PM

niceguy25,

I’m sorry for all that you are going through. I’ve read all your threads, and my heart sank when you mentioned she used his name in bed and wrote to him in 2015. That is an idealized fantasy that she seems to have no problem returning to regularly, even when she is with you.

You said that this past weekend she told you everything and that it was everything you thought and more. What was more? More get togethers? Or just fantasy fueled sex. I think you know that there is no way for a marriage to compete with the the dopamine saturated rush of an illicit affair. Or has her limerence even gone on for more years than you suspected?

Now she wants you, and says he was nothing to look at. Or has that info changed? You’ve posted in multiple forums looking for picture information about him. Is that to confirm what she has told you? Your obsession is normal, as stalker-y as it feels, and is part of your own grieving process.

I am glad she is finally being honest with you, or at least seems to be. I’m guessing your trust meter is at zero or below.

Take care of you. You did nothing to cause this; and though she’s had a lifetime to process her betrayal, with each trickle truth you are back at square one. Get the truth you need, and decide how you want to live going forward. You have been lied to for a long time, So you are going to question everything. You may feel trapped in this relationship, thinking you would have bailed if you knew then what you know now. But chasing that rabbit just blames you again. You are a good man. Don’t question the past decisions you made as a good man.

What do you want now that is actually possible? Your wife fully committed to you, heart and soul; not out of guilt, but out of love and desire? Or is that not where you are?

My thoughts are with you. I hope your path forward becomes clear, but continue to seek the truth you need.
(Edited because autocorrect is stupid)

[This message edited by Washashore at 2:03 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

Niceguy25 posted 7/10/2019 17:49 PM

But for the grace...thank you. We’ve been married 43 years and this A was so out of character for the woman I married. I do believe she has finally grasped the magnitude of pain she caused me with both the affair and the cover up for 25 years, in addition to her attempt to reach out to him again 4 years ago. I love this woman and with the exception of her major screw up, have loved the life we built together. Finally getting answers and clarification of what, why, when, where and who has been cleansing to my soul Especially now that she has stopped blaming the A on me and put it clearly on herself.

Washashore, thank you as well for your understanding and support. I have been bluntly honest with her these past two months and she is finally admitting how wrong, how totally responsible she is and acknowledging that it was stupid and classless on her part. That doesn’t erase the mind pics of them together, but it does remove the shame I’ve felt that I “caused it to occur.”

[This message edited by Niceguy25 at 5:55 PM, July 10th (Wednesday)]

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