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Total life regrets today

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emptyheart posted 6/16/2019 10:15 AM

I havenít been on here in the longest time, but it is amazing how the longer I am away from my first Dday (11 yrs) I am still so angry and resentful. You can read my bio, but to sum up, longtime marriage, my H had an affair after 25 years, I found out, confronted, got another year of gaslighting until the 2nd Dday.
Decided to stay because of my kids and their ages at the time. Pre-teen daughter and teen son preparing for the whole college application crap. Very vulnerable ages.
Made the best of it, he has never cheated again, but I am now realizing I have wasted my life.
Heís nice enough, but never anything thoughtful. He doesnít do, say, or show me in anyway besides standard lip service that I am loved, appreciated, or special to him. He will sometimes put on a show when the kids are around, but it never strikes me as heartfelt.
For instance - on Motherís Day, he gave me nothing. Not a card, not a single stinking flower, nothing. He wished me a Happy Motherís Day with a peck on the lips and thatís it. No thought whatsoever about doing anything for me.
It turned out to be a nice day with my son and his girlfriend who hosted a dinner, but no effort on my husbands part.
So now it is Fatherís Day and I am returning the favor.
My son texted me and asked me what I got my husband, and I told him nothing, because that is exactly what I got from him on Motherís Day. Just returning the favor.
Iím quietly seething inside when I see what a big fuss my kids are making for him, because They have no idea about the A and just see him as a great dad and husband.
Great dad - maybe, if you donít count his 2 yr betrayal of their mother and family.
Great husband - hell no.
More and more I realize I stayed married to someone who is selfish, self-centered, and uncaring of me and my feelings.
I have wasted my life on someone who is not worthy of me.
And here I am at 60 years old realizing I should have made so many different choices, starting with not marrying him in the first place.

sisoon posted 6/16/2019 10:46 AM

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way.

I wish I had a way for you to change things.

LifeLostLongAgo posted 6/16/2019 10:47 AM

I'm so sorry you are in this boat too.

My problems started 20 years ago. Day 18 years ago. Hotel visit 15 years ago. Looking back there were the kids too, small town gossip, etc. Similar situation as I see it now.

This past half year has been super bad. I learned that it was a real trauma that happened years ago. It's all just flooded back.

Anyway, I've had enough.

We are the same age and I've realized that she is going to get away with what was done, even to the time of death. Imagine going to the grave holding the history of this abuse right to our death bed. It would be different if she was truly remorseful, but keeping it a secret is paramount to my health (and this has train wrecked so many days that should have been so happy: graduations, grandchildren, birthdays...always the dark cloud blocking out happiness).

It might be petty, but I'm revealing what happened to our family now. Info is going out before she has a chance to "golden mouth" things ahead of time.

Perhaps this is something that should be done in your instance too? Not a revenge thing, but for some peace inside.

To hell with keeping this a secret and suffering from it.

nekonamida posted 6/16/2019 12:43 PM

Emptyheart, you are ONLY 60. You easily still have another 10, 20, even 30+ years ahead of you. You don't have to spend it with him like this. Do what you need to do to get the life and marriage that you want whether that's demanding he put in the effort and repairing the marriage or freeing yourself to find someone who loves and cherishes you the way that you deserve.

LoveTKO posted 6/16/2019 12:54 PM

Emptyheart, you are ONLY 60. You easily still have another 10, 20, even 30+ years ahead of you. You don't have to spend it with him like this. Do what you need to do to get the life and marriage that you want whether that's demanding he put in the effort and repairing the marriage or freeing yourself to find someone who loves and cherishes you the way that you deserve.

As nekonamida said..

I TOTALLY get it. I'm 58 and separated from STBXWH after 2.5 years false R. It's scary to be our age and single again, not to mention the financial matters. BUT LIFE IS TOO SHORT. You don't want to be on your death bed with these regrets. I'm separated a year and dating a nice man who treats me better than STBXWH ever did. I realize now I was emotionally abused for 30 years. It sounds like you may be too. You are still young... (((((emptyheart)))))

FEEL posted 6/16/2019 13:00 PM

It's easy to live in hindsight and see where we could have made better choices. We all do it and it's part of life. We are all doing the best we can with the information and tools we have to deal with things at the time. The issue becomes when we make a choice not learn from that. We see where we could have made better choices in the past, but then choose not make different choices, today, tomorrow and next week and so on.

So what are you going to do? What choices are you going to make going forward? Staying in this and posting again years later and still be seething inside and posting here about it. Or make some changes that benefit you and your future?

Justsomeguy posted 6/16/2019 16:07 PM

Yup. That's why I pulled the plug. 52 and going to start over. I only have one life to live and I plan to live the shit out of it.

pureheartkit posted 6/16/2019 16:12 PM

No ones life was a waste. Focus like a missile on the things you want and go. There is nothing stopping you. Great artists and composers had short brilliant careers and left this earth. You can make the most of your time as well. Live your life and don't waste any precious time thinking of

i should have
. How many saints turned around and started new chapters?

This is available for us all. Your life can be as satisfying as you want it to be.

Can Not Believe posted 6/16/2019 16:52 PM

See, this is what I don't understand. You sacrificed your peace of mind to perpetuate the myth of your husband being a great father and husband.

You know he is not, as well as he does. Yet he does nothing to make you feel loved or appreciated.

So now you feel resentment.

Apparently you did a fantastic job of making him feel that what he did wasn't all bad, cause look, you didn't require too much of a consequence from him so he feels he doesn't have to go out of his way to earn your love

So from then to now (10) years? You lived one lie, and even now you are continuing the charade to your children, that he is ALL that.

Since your children aren't privy to the truth, they are looking at YOU as being the one with the problem.

Maybe if you started living in the truth and talk to your husband and your children together about his affair and how it affected you, YOU don't end up looking like the bad parent, just maybe your life will be more authentic and you won't feel like it was a waste, and you can get some enjoyment out of it, instead of feeling resentful and unloved.

Just my opinion

Can Not Believe

Tallgirl posted 6/16/2019 18:34 PM

Was none of that time worth it? I am so sorry you feel this way.

Will you change your life now?

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:37 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]

totallydumb posted 6/16/2019 18:50 PM

You have many more years ahead of you.

I pulled the plug at 56 years old. That was 1.5 yrs ago! Life is much better without XSO hanging around.

Marz posted 6/16/2019 21:50 PM

Maybe if you started living in the truth and talk to your husband and your children together about his affair and how it affected you, YOU don't end up looking like the bad parent, just maybe your life will be more authentic and you won't feel like it was a waste, and you can get some enjoyment out of it, instead of feeling resentful and unloved.

The truth fixes a lot of things. Don't you think you've martyred yourself long enough. Look what it got you.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 6/16/2019 23:56 PM

Emptyheart I am sorry.. I completely understand and though I get flowers mostly etc itís also because our daughter knows about the affair.
She also doesnít celebrate Fatherís Day because the way he treated us during his A.
So my friend thatís your problem there

Iím quietly seething inside when I see what a big fuss my kids are making for him, because They have no idea about the A and just see him as a great dad and husband.

You need to him to tell the kids about his actions so they can understand the dynamics of the situation.
What is the purpose of hiding it so he seems so perfect? No they need to understand his fallacies.

The1stWife posted 6/17/2019 06:33 AM

The kids do not need to know.

But you can adjust your mindset and understand they celebrated you on Motherís Day and deserve to celebrate their dad.

You have to separate cheating H from the ďgood DadĒ role unfortunately.

cancuncrushed posted 6/19/2019 11:26 AM

i could have written your post...I stayed for the kids...they were near graduation....we are same age...

What happened? WH found another AP later...seems he felt the marriage was also bland, blah and depressing...after his other A's...HE likes new..He likes fun...he likes his ego stroked....ashis alcoholism grew, the destruction grew...

I feel duped...tricked...stupid...I believed him..
I was in denial...I wanted it to be fixed...it was never any better..

I never received gifts, or cards...dinners became rare...he stared at other women when we went anywhere...there was not much of a relationship...

He did nothing....he never tried...in my truth. He did zero to R...he didn't love me...or he wouldn't have cheated.....if it had been important to save the marriage, he would have wanted to do these things...instead.....he didn't care...he was lazy...he didn't cause he didn't have to...didn't want to...

WE are now divorced 4 weeks...after 36 years...I look back and wonder when it started to destruct.. Ö.he never tried to be different.....or better....or there for me.

I regret being naÔve....I don't regret marrying him...I wish I knew who he really was, earlier, to lessen the shock and pain. I don't see how things could have been any different...he is who he is... and I had no idea.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 11:30 AM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

Wintergarden posted 6/19/2019 11:54 AM

Emptyheart your post really worries me. I am currently in limbo as to the future of our M after discovering 1 year long A after 30 years of M. So much of our life building respect and trust gone in a flash. I don't want to be in regret in 10 years time for whatever decisions are made. I feel there is no rush, some days I am on the roller coaster some days I have my feet firmly on the ground. But whatever decision we take there is no guarantee it will be right.

DarylB posted 6/19/2019 16:30 PM

EmptyHeart - Iím sorry you are unhappy in your marriage for very valid reasons.

Heís nice enough, but never anything thoughtful. He doesnít do, say, or show me in anyway besides standard lip service that I am loved, appreciated, or special to him. He will sometimes put on a show when the kids are around, but it never strikes me as heartfelt.

More and more I realize I stayed married to someone who is selfish, self-centered, and uncaring of me and my feelings. I have wasted my life on someone who is not worthy of me.

Talk to your spouse first to ask him if he wants to develop a plan on how he can improve the marriage. Or would he prefer a divorce? Together, plan a family meeting and explain the full situation (sharing the information about the affair with your children is not out of line. Share his actions from 11 years ago, followed by his secret phone and extending the affair for an additional year.) and the plan of action you have created to improve or terminate your marriage.

StillLivin posted 6/19/2019 19:31 PM

Is the resentment for him for cheating or for you for staying so long with a selfish ass? Your kids are grown. Wouldn't it be better to be by yourself giving yourself wonderful Mother's Day gifts instead of stuck with an ass who wouldn't know what love is if it hit him in the head with a stick? Never too late to lose a cheater and resentment and gain a life!

TheHittite posted 6/20/2019 09:37 AM

Might I suggest reading Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages" together?

It is surprising how often people project their own love language onto other people.

Perhaps the issue is that gifting is not important for him but means a lot to you.

Reading the book together could spur some useful dialogue.

Just a thought.

allusions posted 6/20/2019 12:18 PM

My husband never gives me anything for Mother's Day. I don't give him anything for Father's Day either. We wish each other happy ____ day, but otherwise, it's all about our kids doing something for me on Mother's Day and him on Father's Day. I guess that's just how we look at those holidays.

You can't go back and change the past. You can only live in the present and plan for the future. If you hadn't married him in the first place you wouldn't have your lovely children today.

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