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Horrible news

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Charity411 posted 6/14/2019 22:45 PM

OMG! I just can't at this hour of fhe night respond to this post rationally. Brace yourself when I wake up tomorrow. In the mean time, I going to pray for you, and me to reign in my outrage at your situation. See you tomorrow.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/14/2019 22:50 PM

Do you know what we mean by doing the 180, Sami? You will find it in the Healing Library. (which you will find in the yellow box in the upper left hand corner of this page) It is #11 in the BS FAQ's. You need to read all those question and answers, plus you need to really live #11 the 180. You need to do the 180 to start to emotionally detach from your WH. This isn't to manipulate your WH in anyway, but to get you strong and for him to stop using you as his mother/maid. I hope you are not having sex with him. I know divorce isn't what you want. But, you don't have much of a choice. He wants you to be his mommy, maid and nanny. Just fuck that shit!

Here is the link to the 180. https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Hurtbeyondtime posted 6/14/2019 23:18 PM

OMG.... I am so sorry...

excuse my French... What a fucking misogynistic pig.
This red pill is a bunch of bullshit - Midlife crises bullshit...
As Golden said

Yeah.....he's full of shit.

He’s been cheating this whole time and is trying to wrap it up in a shit sandwich in 🎁.
You need to talk to a lawyer immediately and
KICK HIS ASS OUT -Bitch 👢 on!!!

allusions posted 6/15/2019 00:30 AM

I think he needs to take his red pill and "stick it where the sun don't shine".

ibonnie posted 6/15/2019 00:48 AM

Oh, and whatever you do, don't try to argue or reason with him right now. It's going to get you nowhere and just drive you crazy trying to make sense of the insane things that he'll say.

Try your best not to engage at all. Be polite, civil, but busy. No time to chit chat.

And whatever he might complain about, just agree with things he's said and roll it back to him.

So, for example, if he starts complainimg about child support or alimony, just say something like, "you'll still be contributing to the household bills, just like you are now, except this way you'll have the freedom to be the alpha male you've always wanted to be."

Or if he complains about you wanting to separate/divorce/not acting like his happy wife, "I thought you would be happy, you're free to pursue 20-somethings without me holding you back."

And then try to end the conversation and leave the room.

Scoobydoo posted 6/15/2019 02:33 AM

What the actual F@#K!!!

This is a joke right?

He couldn’t possibly expect you to agree to an open marriage after all these yrs?
An open marriage offer isn’t ever used with an ultimatum

Who the hell does that!!!
I’m so angry for you Sami 🤬

I found out my WH signed up to a swinger site for 5 years, his profile interests were 20 something girls, dogging masterbation, videos, pictures blah blah blah,

Trust me I didn’t & still don’t keep his dirty little secret, his friends have distanced themselves, our children called him a pervert, he has & continues to be the butt of many jokes!
However now with so ‘many eyes on him’ I find myself more relaxed or I just don’t care anymore.

My point is many of his friends who he thought might of had his back actually didn’t, they were astonished he had done this at his age (52) they really couldn’t understand it,

If your husband chooses to go down this path I think he’s in for a serious reality check!

Find strength from within you know what you can & cant accept for you & your family

Btw...
What on earth is the ‘red pill’

Sami posted 6/15/2019 05:19 AM

I am doing the 180 to protect myself right now. It really has nothing to do with him because doesn’t care and it doesn’t affect him what I do. He just wants be allowed to see other women for flings. The Healing Library has been extremely helpful.

I was trying to convince him to change, see reason, telling him I would work on/improve myself . One thing is that we are not matched sexually—he says sex is 50% or more of the marriage and one of the main reasons he married me in the first place (this was shocking news in and of itself) and wants it AT LEAST once a day and I need /want it much less than that. Since having kids, my libido has slowed down. I thought maybe it is my fault and I pushed him into this desperate state by not having enough sex. I told him I would try to give him more sex and we could go to counseling together to solve our sexual problems. But he said absolutely not—counseling is all fast talking to convince him to accept a situation he abhors and he finally realized that he doesn’t want my old body anyway and needs the rush of novel sex with younger women. Then. I was thinking if I let him meet the needs I can’t provide (frequent, novel sex) maybe everything will be ok. He will be my companion and provider and I won’t have to have sex every second. But then that means I have to be celibate because I’m not sleeping with him after he’s been with other people. After dropping the bombshell that he no longer wants to be monogamous, he said, I’ll still be here as your provider, partner, and family man so if one day you feel you need sex, I can provide that, too. What arrogance! What a bizarre idea he has of how things work.

Basically, he is not changing his mind. He is entitled to the sex he needs/wants and he feels any attempts to reason him out of it are unfair, unjust manipulations by a matriarchal society. He is the courageous one standing up for the rights and needs of men. Monogamy is a false, unnatural state of being designed to put men on a lower status and protect women’s interests at the expense of true maleness. Further, he said, all men deep down know this is true but are cowed by women into falling in line.

I have stopped all attempts at reasoning because that is exactly what his beliefs TELL him I will do.

ShutterHappy posted 6/15/2019 05:46 AM

You’re doing the right thing... the 180.

You can’t change him.

There’s no point arguing how silly his ideas are. In the long run, he’ll be miserable and you’ll find someone else who is worthy of you.

Tallgirl posted 6/15/2019 05:47 AM

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this craziness Sami. This has nothing to do with you or the age difference. He wants this, he is justifying it with this red pill nonsense.

You have been given amazing advice so far, please be cautious, there is a disconnect with reality here. Is there any history of mental health issues?

I agree with the 180, divorce and expose . I think the order and timing is important, his “alpha” side won’t like any of this. I am worried about his reaction. Be safe.

Please get tested for stds and start sleeping in another room until you kick his ass out. He had already been sleeping with other women.

Do you have a strong support network in real life?

You deserve better than this. You deserve a man who loves and treats you with respect. Don’t accept less.


Lots of hugs, this is some crazy shit. far from normal or reality.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 12:14 PM, June 15th (Saturday)]

OwningItNow posted 6/15/2019 05:58 AM

cowed by women into falling in line.

Cowed by the very people they "have a right" to? Contradict yourself much? You don't need us or you do, which is it?

I am so happy to hear that the Healing Library has helped you, Sami. In my experience, the few men that I have known who began to buy into this thinking 1) were lost and going through something (depression, job misery, divorce), 2) found a lot of anger bonding in these chat rooms but no Alpha life of leisure in real life, 3) grew more lonely in real life, and 4) ended up in therapy. My study sample of two people is very small, but this conspiracy notion that women are trying to ruin men is only attractive if you are in a bad mental or emotional state in the first place. Your husband is not well, and his 'cure' is making him more unwell.

I do not know your situation, but you must do the 180 and get away from him. Your tone indicates that you are benefitting financially from the marriage, but so is he. And this seems to be why he has no desire to divorce. Based on his treatment of you and the secret life he wants to live, please override your fear of divorce. Each day you stay there is damaging to your self-esteem. Let him feel the impact of choosing (hoping for!) random, noncomitted sex over family life, friendship, stability, and partnership. You lose that if you troll women for their bodies as if they are not human beings with wants, needs, and emotions of their own. His disgusting view of women as objects means you need him to move out asap. Can you tell him to leave today? Tell him you'll meet with a lawyer this week? Can you tell close family that he has decided to leave you so that he can use and abuse young women as his birthright? Start outting his sinister plan today! He needs to go.

I read your first post again, about continuing to see friends, go on vacation, and call you pet names, and I am convinced that he needs to feel the full impact of what he has to give up. Today.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 6:07 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

Bagelgirl26 posted 6/15/2019 06:27 AM

My STBXH is also going through a midlife crisis. He had the audacity to tell me he didn't want a divorce but felt something was missing in his life. I didn't know at the time that he was having an affair with a coworker 10 years younger than him.

As soon as I found out he was cheating, it all made sense. He wanted to cake eat. He wanted everyone to think he was a good family man and behind close doors, he was nothing but that. He became mean to me and guess what I did?

I kicked him out and saw a lawyer. Had him served with separation papers at his brother's house where he was staying. Boy, was he angry! Guess he thought I was going to wait around while he screwed other women. Hell NO!!

He eventually moved in with OW a couple months after we separated. Do you know what happened next? The OW dumped him a few months later. I assume it's because she found his Tinder app and where he was trolling around for other sexual partners. He is 48 years old and thinks he is a "stud". He thinks he can land any woman he wants with his lies. He is a chameleon and a narcissist and is really good at bullshitting.

My state requires a year separation before I can file for divorce and the year will be up at the end of next month. I plan on filing for the divorce and having him served by a cop at his work. As the store manager, I know this will embarrass him to have his employees see a police officer come in to serve him. They all think he is such a good family man.

After the divorce is final, I have one more present for him. Sending his corporate office a detailed letter about all the shady stuff he has been doing at his job. I am also going to let them know how he lied on his job application to them. He was terminated from his last job for guess what? Having a sexual relationship with his assistant manager. He also lied about having gone to college. He never did. All he has is a G.E.D.

I know some of you may disagree with my reporting him to his employer but you don't understand. This man brags about how great a manager he is. How he is better than everyone else in his company, etc. he thinks he's also God's gift to women. I want to bring him down to reality. I think his company should know about the unethical and policy breaking things he does. Don't you agree?

Carissima posted 6/15/2019 06:29 AM

This posturing is quite frankly ridiculous and usually done in the mistaken belief that it is impressive.

I would not waste any time on getting him out of the house for one simple reason - your kids! I may have missed it but you don't seemed to have mentioned if they are boys or girls and their ages. Seriously, do you want them exposed to this kind of rubbish at a time when their brains are still developing? Children take in more than we know, god help them if some of this nonsense sticks....

hard_yards posted 6/15/2019 07:03 AM

Sami, if I was in your position, having my husband tell me all these disgusting, derogatory and demeaning comments, I'd be filing for divorce on Monday.

There's no coming back from this, you can never un hear what he's said, you'll never look at him the same way again.

Protect yourself and your family from further harm, 180 is your friend, detach, remove, withdraw from your role as a wife. Limit your conversation with him to yes or no.

Don't discuss his delusional plans with him at all, there's nothing to be gained except more pain. If he starts spouting his rubbish, just walk away.

Follow what other posters have said, expose, inform, take steps to protect yourself and your family, engage a Lawyer, get IC, go to the Dr, lean on those who can support you through this.

You will get through this, promise.

Cooley2here posted 6/15/2019 07:04 AM

Sami, I gave a short answer earlier but the more I think about it the more his behavior is bizarre. He has gone over the edge by paying attention to some crackpots. You are too young to remember Jonestown but a leader talked his followers into leaving the US, living in a compound in the jungle and then killing their children and themselves. There were hundreds of them. That is why I think your husband is lost to you. He has found this idea and now believes it even though a rational person can see how crazy it is.
For your sake you need to move on. He is insulting you about something you have no control over, your age.
Talk to a lawyer then get some therapy. You are going to need a strong spine to get through this.

Hephaestus2 posted 6/15/2019 07:21 AM

Sami's husband is like a shudder in search of a spine to run up.

Sami wrote >>>>Further, he said, all men deep down know this is true but are cowed by women into falling in line.<<<<

Either deep down I'm cowed by women into falling in line or Sami's husband's head has become lodged in Sami's husband's rectum.

Odonna posted 6/15/2019 07:22 AM

He is the equivalent of a Flat-Earther, Pizza-gater who won’t go outside at night for fear of abduction by aliens.

You must be reeling, and rightly so.

Take your kids somewhere for the weekend, a hotel with a water park where they can expend tons of energy while you sit on the side of the pool making plans. Take all the advice above about seeing a lawyer, finding an IC, inventorying your assets and moving half to a separate account, getting your IRL support network in place, etc. You have to move quickly because he is so lost in his alternate reality that he might actually be dangerous. Remember that his delusion that he must dominate you can lead to desperation pretty quickly, and that can be dangerous. If necessary enlist the help of the police to get you and the kids out of there.

Oh, and buy several Voice-activated recorders, one for the car, one for the bedroom, one for the kitchen or family room, and one to keep on you at all times.

Go into survival mode starting right this minute!

[This message edited by Odonna at 7:25 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]

deena04 posted 6/15/2019 07:23 AM

Oh Lordy. I think I would tell him to get out and he can have all the women he wants, but not you. You can also split the finances and since he wants to still parent, he can parent all by himself however much time you guys decide on. That would mean that he would not be able to have other women there while he’s parenting those kids. This would be a strong reality check or at least give you peace down the road. Imagine him cooking dinner and cleaning up after the kids all by himself while he’s thinking he’s such a stud muffin that he should be out banging women… Paint that picture for him and 180 hard.

Notmine posted 6/15/2019 08:12 AM

Please do not stoop to making deals with this jacka$$. There is nothing wrong with you. YOU are not the one who needs to change. Agree with others. Take your control back. File for divorce. He is a cake eater. Think about this: Do you REALLY want to stay with such an embarrassment? The things this man says and thinks are completely insane and outrageously selfish. He obviously needs counseling.

fareast posted 6/15/2019 08:36 AM

Bagelgirl26:

t/j

I agree with everything you said.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/15/2019 09:06 AM

Basically, he is not changing his mind. He is entitled to the sex he needs/wants and he feels any attempts to reason him out of it are unfair, unjust manipulations by a matriarchal society. He is the courageous one standing up for the rights and needs of men. Monogamy is a false, unnatural state of being designed to put men on a lower status and protect women’s interests at the expense of true maleness. Further, he said, all men deep down know this is true but are cowed by women into falling in line.

He can have sex with as many women as he wants until his dick shrivels, rots and falls off like a dried up prune. What he CANNOT do is force you to remain being his wife and having you there to make his life easier. He can shove his red pill up his ass to keep his head company since apparently it is already there.

Monogamy is a false unnatural state? Really? So I suppose in his book and all the other Neanderthals who buy into this red pill bullshit believe that because they have a dick that entitles them to do whatever they want with whomever they want.

Get away from this lunacy ASAP. There is no reasoning with this. He has decided what you are going to accept and you need to stand up and say no. Keep doing the 180 and start contacting attorneys.

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