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Getting past it..

Aquarius02 posted 6/11/2019 23:25 PM

Hello All! Iím new here, to the forum none of us wanted do be members of.. my issue is getting past it, past feeling like itís going to happen again.
I guess I should explain my specific story.

My husband and I have been together over 10 years now. He hates cheaters, heís said that from the beginning of our relationship.. however, A month ago I opened up his phone to hand to our child to watch kidstube on. A message flashed from Facebook, it was from my husbands ex gf from high school. I opened it, just being curious because I had never heard good things about the woman. From like, anyone.. him, his friends, his family all hate her. She just ghosted him one day after 2 years of dating back then. However they had been having an online ďaffairĒ. She reached out to him in August of last year, saying she was sorry how she ended things etc... they started talking daily after the holidays and the intimate conversations started mid March and I found these beginning of May. There was talk of reconciliation. No pictures, no phone calls, they never met (she lives in a completely different state). But he said some pretty intimate things to her (never I love you etc). I confronted him immediately. He owned up to it obviously, told me to read whatever I wanted say whatever I wanted to her he didnít care what I wrote to her.. I told him he should just go be with her if thatís how he felt. He fell to his knees & begged me to stay, for him to explain and for him to fix it.

He did take complete blame for his actions. He said there was no excuse, but he felt like I was going to leave him because he works nights etc etc. He said it was old feelings that got stirred up but itís not real, thatís not a life. He never had closure with her (which he kept saying is not an excuse).
Needless to say heís taken blame and accountability as he should have. But how do I get past feeling like sheís going to try to get back into his life?
expressed the concern to him (and because he works nights some of our talks canít be face to face) and this was his reply-

I blocked her on Facebook, and neither my twitter or snapchat has my real name attached as far as i know. We never had each others phone numbers, and I canít think of anyone I know that either talks to her or would give her my number. Iíll say it as many times as I need to, I have absolutely zero desire to speak to her. I canít think of any closure more powerful than seeing what Iíve done and realizing that isnít what I want and isnít what you deserved.

Even with that I feel like Iím waiting for the other shoe to drop.. any one else out there have a similar story with helpful guidance?

[This message edited by Aquarius02 at 11:52 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 6/12/2019 06:52 AM

Your H had an emotional affair. He has in fact cheated. Those are the facts.

Counseling for you and him separately is the best for now.

I donít know what you read but emotionally he still has some feelings for her. That is obvious. Not saying he would leave you BUT he kept their contact a secret from you. Not good.

I hope you can reconcile. It is possible. But he needs to prove to you that this wonít happen again. And that she has no way of having any contact with him. Ever!!!

Chaos posted 6/12/2019 07:33 AM

Yes. He cheated. Emotional or Physical it is still an affair. You know it and he knows it. Otherwise it wouldn't have been a secret.

He is making excuses [thought you would leave because he works nights, stirred up old feelings, etc.]. He was justifying his bad behavior to himself so he wouldn't feel so bad about it.

He knew it was wrong but he did it anyway.

Does she have a spouse or boyfriend - if so, they should be told.

MamaDragon posted 6/12/2019 08:24 AM

He has cheated.

What do you want him to do in order to heal? Some folks have the WS do a NC letter, 100% transparency, and certain behavior changes (IE no talking to women etc).

Did you block her only from your FB or your Husbands? If he has not blocked her, he should on all social media, phone etc.

You can also tell her BS if she is married/involved with someone.

I would also suggest that he not attend any school reunions if she went to school with him!


annb posted 6/12/2019 18:30 PM

Hi, welcome to SI. So glad you found us.

Your husband definitely had an emotional affair, they hurt just as bad as a physical affair.

It's going to take time, lots of it, to get past his affair.

I suggest he read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

He needs to be an open book giving you access to everything.

Individual counseling is a good idea for both of you.

Is this woman married?

tushnurse posted 6/13/2019 11:58 AM

I blocked her on Facebook, and neither my twitter or snapchat has my real name attached as far as i know. We never had each others phone numbers, and I canít think of anyone I know that either talks to her or would give her my number. Iíll say it as many times as I need to, I have absolutely zero desire to speak to her. I canít think of any closure more powerful than seeing what Iíve done and realizing that isnít what I want and isnít what you deserved.

Even with that I feel like Iím waiting for the other shoe to drop

Simply you feel like the other shoe is going to drop because he hasn't done ANYTHING to resolve his own personal issues that allowed him to get to the point where he justified in his brain and made the choices to do what he did. He has shown you how he has stopped communicating w/ her, but he has done ZERO to own it and fix whatever is broken within himself to make him a safe partner for you.

Lalagirl posted 6/13/2019 12:54 PM

Simply you feel like the other shoe is going to drop because he hasn't done ANYTHING to resolve his own personal issues that allowed him to get to the point where he justified in his brain and made the choices to do what he did. He has shown you how he has stopped communicating w/ her, but he has done ZERO to own it and fix whatever is broken within himself to make him a safe partner for you.

THIS!

Also, trust is earned - it's not going to happen overnight.

he felt like I was going to leave him because he works nights

Tell him to just stop with this kind of bullshit if he is 100% owning his shit .

I strongly suggest that HE make an appointment with an IC to get to the root of why this happened, why the boundaries went down. If he does not do this, he will cheat again. "Not Just Friends" as annb recommended, is also a great resource for both of you.

Hugs!

BellaLee posted 6/14/2019 14:26 PM

Hi @Aquarius02 I'm sorry you're having to deal with this in your marriage. Broken trust in whatever form is not easy to get past but from my experience what really helps the healing process is sincere remorse from the WS and a commitment to rebuild the broken trust.
I think this might be a good opportunity to discuss putting safeguards in your marriage to help rebuild trust.
I know my husband and I greatly benefitted from IC and MC when we were having major trust issues in our relationship and this might be an option for you to both consider.

hiddenMist posted 6/14/2019 14:44 PM

But how do I get past feeling like sheís going to try to get back into his life?

Also, I'd recommend re-framing this. The issue isn't her (she could be anybody, but she has history so she's lower hanging fruit and easier to access). Maybe she was trying to get back in his life, but he was holding the door open for her with those intimate messages you described.

He said there was no excuse, but he felt like I was going to leave him because he works nights etc etc. He said it was old feelings that got stirred up but itís not real, thatís not a life. He never had closure with her (which he kept saying is not an excuse).

From this explanation it sounds like he went looking for her, not the other way around. I also think it's a BS excuse, because he needs to talk to you if he's feeling a certain way.

All the blocking is fine, but what concrete steps is he taking to address why he chose attempting to rekindle something with a high school girlfriend rather than come to you? That's the bigger issue because you're bound to have troubles and bumps in a marriage...what will happen the next time?

You're right to feel cautious, but I'd need to see more from my partner. I think once trust has been breached there is always a bit of looking over your shoulder.
I'm very sorry you've been placed in this position.

Happenedtome2 posted 6/15/2019 08:37 AM

I am sorry to see you here. The others are giving solid opinions and advice. I would like to add that you are under NO OBLIGATION to "get past it". You did not cause this.

He needs to focus on repairing himself and your marriage and you should focus on yourself and whether or not you want to continue any longer with him.

You did not say whether you had children so we do not know if that is a factor.

Aquarius02 posted 6/18/2019 21:49 PM

Thank you everyone for your help! Sorry itís taken me a while to respond. To answer, no she is not married. She had a boyfriend but they have since split. I donít know if he found out, she did come in town once and the rumor was she was having issues with him so that could be it or something else happened. To be honest, I really hope karma gets her.. I did look back at messages on FB, she messaged first. They stopped communicating for 3 weeks and she picked it back up. He has blocked her on all social media. Heís been an open book, answering any questions I can think of, even if itís close to the same question Iíve already asked (as he should, this was no fault of mine). I think Iíve hit the angry phase... are there phases for this BS?! Iíve considered a IC and MC, we live in a rural area so itís hard to find someone close. Yes, we have two children, a boy and a girl. Iím hoping to push past this and come out stronger for them.
So my question is, what was more beneficial for you, an IC or a MC?

Dave2019 posted 6/18/2019 22:14 PM

One Positive came out of all this, the stalwart, square chinned, honest to goodness person has been revealed to be nothing like he claims he is.

Like false advertising.

You get to see a different person and naturally that makes you suspicious of his moves now and rightly so.

He may give you long speeches of integrity but he has to suffer the fallout now, for however long it takes, as long as it takes for you to heal.

He wasn't honest and he did wrong, at least they didn't meet which is good. You also found out before he had to take a 'Trip' somewhere

tushnurse posted 6/19/2019 07:31 AM

I would make IC a requirement for him to figure out his issues, why he made the choices he did, and then how to never make those same stupid mistakes again.
Until he does that he will never be a safe partner for you.
Yes there are stages of grief that you go through when you are dealing with a betrayal, there is the betrayal and loss of trust from the one person in your life you thought you could always trust.
Secondly there is the death of your M, it isn't what you believed it to be, and you have to rebuild and start over. You can't start that process until he works through his shit.

Aquarius02 posted 6/19/2019 23:58 PM

Iíve ordered the books. Iím going to talk to H about reading them too. Lately I feel like should contact her... ask her why, why she felt the need to message him, after 12 years, why.. part of me says ďno, not a good idea at allllllllĒ the thereís a part of me that says ďeh, fuck it, just do it..Ē then a small part of me thinks ďthat lil bitch wonít even reply...Ē (sorry for the language, like I said I guess Iím in the anger stage..) has anyone decided to message the other person before? Did they reply, did it even help?

Robert22205https posted 6/20/2019 08:10 AM

Google PTSD. It's typical to suffer some level of trauma from his behavior because it strikes at the core of your relationship (trust, peace of mind, feeling safe and secure).

Consider a visit to your doctor for help sleeping and dealing with anger/anxiety.

*** Xs from high school are incredibly high risk and even more so where one (your husband) was dumped.

After he reads NOT JUST FRIENDS he should voluntarily wise up and never be in contact with her again.

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