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What would you do?

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Root posted 6/7/2019 13:29 PM

BH said he wanted a divorce and moved out 2 months ago. We're leasing a house that neither of us can afford on our own. I'm in the house and he's living in a place where the kids don't want to go. I see their point. The lease is up in 5 months. By then BH will have been gone 7 months. He's paying all the bills plus gives me a generous amount of money for me/kids. I do want to reconcile and he said he'd consider it. I am not optimistic.

Would you move as soon as you could in this situation?

[This message edited by Root at 1:33 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

barcher144 posted 6/7/2019 13:33 PM

I do want to reconcile and he said he'd consider it.

I think that you need to decide if you want to keep trying to fix things or to give up. If you want to keep trying, then you need to ask him what he needs/wants to reconcile.

Root posted 6/7/2019 13:39 PM

I think that you need to decide if you want to keep trying to fix things or to give up. If you want to keep trying, then you need to ask him what he needs/wants to reconcile.

I am going to fix things for me and my kids. R would just be bonus. I am not going to give up on myself. I know what he needs to reconcile. I've known all along I just couldn't do it. Since he left I started taking ADs and OMG I feel so normal. I'm proud about what I've accomplished in 2 months. My happiest moment was when my teenage daughter said "I got my mom back".

Before you say it's because he left it's not. I used to completely fall apart when he left. He and I both thought it would happen again. We are both surprised that I haven't.

traicionada posted 6/7/2019 13:53 PM

I've known all along I just couldn't do it

Couldnít or wouldnít? R is a lot of work but so itís D. The biggest difference is that it truly takes two willing and able parties to R.

Root posted 6/7/2019 15:31 PM

Couldnít or wouldnít? R is a lot of work but so itís D. The biggest difference is that it truly takes two willing and able parties to R.

I've said this before on here. I have bipolar disorder and without meds I can't manage it. I have depression and I can't control that either without meds. So the answer is couldn't.

Yes I am getting divorced.

babbu posted 6/7/2019 18:36 PM

Root, you seem to ignore the responses in your previous threads and never respond to them then just make new ones. Why is that?

66charger posted 6/7/2019 18:42 PM

When asked a direct question about your husband your reply is rarely positive. Combined this with some of your other post and the answer is obvious. It has nothing to do with your illness or healing. You can not say or do the right things for him and a successful reconcilliation because deep down the truth is right there.

You do not love him as a wife should.

Do not reconcile. Let the divorce go thru.

[This message edited by 66charger at 6:44 PM, June 7th (Friday)]

Root posted 6/10/2019 08:35 AM

Root, you seem to ignore the responses in your previous threads and never respond to them then just make new ones. Why is that?

I thought I was answering all of them?? The reason I think this is because well I want to talk to all of you.

HellFire posted 6/10/2019 08:58 AM

No,you dont respond to questions in your previous threads. I know I've asked,several timers, in more than one thread,questions that go unanswered. For example, I've asked how you respond to the kids when they say negative things about their father. Because you seem to be enjoying that they have taken your side against him. You've been asked multiple times,by several members, if the kids know about your affair. You haven't answered.

barcher144 posted 6/10/2019 09:10 AM

Since he left I started taking ADs and OMG I feel so normal. I'm proud about what I've accomplished in 2 months. My happiest moment was when my teenage daughter said "I got my mom back".

Congratulations! This is very very good.

Keep doing what you are doing. Keep up on the DBT and keep taking your meds. If you backslide, don't be afraid to go back to the doctor and get your meds adjusted.

Root posted 6/10/2019 09:32 AM

When asked a direct question about your husband your reply is rarely positive. Combined this with some of your other post and the answer is obvious. It has nothing to do with your illness or healing. You can not say or do the right things for him and a successful reconcilliation because deep down the truth is right there.

You do not love him as a wife should.

Do not reconcile. Let the divorce go thru.

I've thought a lot about this. Here's the things meds are a big deal.

Lets take my kids for example. I didn't love them as a mother should. Not.Even.Close. Depression poisons everything. I say this because once the depression was lifted everything changed. I was able to love my kids they way that I should. Here is the proof. 2 weekends ago my 16 year old daughter said "I got my mom back" My other 2 kids say I'm a completely different person (positive)

If my BH chooses to come back and reconcile he will soon say "I got my wife back" My posts are negative because when my husband left it was negative. He was/is angry with me. I was knee deep in shame. I've have not had the opportunity to rebuild like I have with my kids. I didn't do anything right with my husband I see it now.

[This message edited by Root at 9:55 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

Root posted 6/10/2019 09:53 AM

No,you dont respond to questions in your previous threads. I know I've asked,several timers, in more than one thread,questions that go unanswered. For example, I've asked how you respond to the kids when they say negative things about their father. Because you seem to be enjoying that they have taken your side against him. You've been asked multiple times,by several members, if the kids know about your affair. You haven't answered.
id: 8390476
Posts: 1659 | Registered: Jun 2017 | From: The Midwest

BH didn't want them to know. He's telling them he left because I'm "crazy". To my knowledge it appears as if this is true. As far as how I respond to the kids when they say negative things about them. I sympathize with them because the reason they are upset is because of how he treated them AFTER he left me. He yelled at them, avoided them, blew them off, didn't answer their calls, etc. THIS is what they are upset about. Oh and of course walking out without the decency to tell them first. He left while we were all gone and wouldn't answer their text messages.

As for enjoying my daughter taking my side. Enjoying is not the word I'd use. There is nothing enjoyable about a broken family. Everyone in the family has tried to get her to talk to him. I didn't even know she wasn't talking to him for 2-3 weeks. How I feel about this changes. Some days I hope that she will motivate him to try again (I do not tell her this). Not for her no but for us/for her. Other days I accept that the marriage is over and I don't even think about how she doesn't respond to him at all. I cook, clean, do laundry and it doesn't even enter my mind. She doesn't talk much about him at all.

That said she has made her choice. She's a 16 year old girl. I've never ever ever seen her like this. She's our rainbow and sunshine girl. It's like she has moved on. He no longer exists to her. It's the saddest thing I've seen. She said she will talk to him if he comes back home and apologizes to her. I've read this is very common with teens.

Look up INFJ door slam and you'll understand what she is doing.

[This message edited by Root at 10:03 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

HellFire posted 6/10/2019 10:06 AM

At 16,she is old enough to be told the truth. She is angry that dad left and didn't honor his, "in sickness and in health" cow. She is blaming him.

He may not want her to know. But this is affecting her relationship with him.

You need to tell your husband she deserves to know the truth.

And,frankly, you should tell her, whether he wants her to know or not. Eventually, she will find the truth. And she will be upset with you that you allowed her to turn her back on her dad, while you knew the real reason he left.

His treatment of the kids has been wrong. No doubt about it. It sounds like everything he has done since he left,has been to avoid facing them, and dealing with the truth. He probably doesnt know the right way to go about this. He is making mistakes. Once the truth is out, it will be easier for him to face them.

Right now,you are allowing kids, teenagers, to believe a lie. If you dont tell them the truth, this is going to come back and bite you on the ass.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:07 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

Root posted 6/10/2019 10:10 AM

Congratulations! This is very very good.

Keep doing what you are doing. Keep up on the DBT and keep taking your meds. If you backslide, don't be afraid to go back to the doctor and get your meds adjusted.

Thank you. This is huge compliment coming from you. My DBT instructor says she's seen improvement in me. I see my dr once a month and she's there anytime I need her. I've called her in an emergency twice. My DBT instructor also lets me call her too if I need help. I've done that once.

I've got a great support team now and I am proud of how well I am doing.

Root posted 6/10/2019 10:17 AM

At 16,she is old enough to be told the truth. She is angry that dad left and didn't honor his, "in sickness and in health" cow. She is blaming him.

I believe 100% that he left because of my mental illness. He's pretty straight with me and this is what he said. During that week he left he blasted me for everything under the sun and cheating didn't come up but the crazy was brought up many, many times. Brought up all the horrible things I've done. I've been honest with my daughter. I am/was crazy and she's witnessed it. I have apologized many many times for breaking up the family.


Right now,you are allowing kids, teenagers, to believe a lie. If you dont tell them the truth, this is going to come back and bite you on the ass.

He says it's because I'm crazy. Ranted about it, raged about it, yelled about it, told the kids about it. Every time I've seen him or talked to him on the phone since he left he's done nothing but rant about my crazy. Said the ONLY reason he "might" consider reconciling was because of the new meds that the kids have told him have changed me in a positive way. He asked how did he know I wouldn't treat him like I did before he left. I said you won't unless you spend time with me. He said what if I moved back and nothing changed. I said you can't move back until you are sure. It's not fair to the kids to come home just to leave again.

I am not optimistic about R as I have stated before. I do not deserve another chance I know.

[This message edited by Root at 10:20 AM, June 10th (Monday)]

Root posted 6/10/2019 13:11 PM

You know what? I take it back. I ADORE my husband. He's amazing. He's gorgeous. OMG is he hot!!! His blue eyes make melt every time he looks at me. He takes my breathe away. I have been and and still am hopelessly in love with him. He's my rock, my better half, and he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I miss him so much now that I am in physical pain. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I've lost 35 pounds in 2 months.

He's a great father. He loves his kids and would lay down his life for them (me too).

Yes I screwed this up and I pray everyday that I get another chance. I do not deserve it I'm well aware. I will continue to respect his decision and as I've been doing I will make this as easy on him as possible. I've agreed to his settlement. I've done everything he's asked me to and more. I made him a budget, helped with the bills, etc.

Despite being dizzy and sad (I cry in my closet or after the kids go to bed) I am kicking ass!! I I haven't been like in years. My house is clean, laundry done, I cook every night, I spend quality time with each kid. Just now I drove as fast as I could to take my 18 year old son some lunch. He started a new job and didn't have anything to eat. He's aspergers. Completely brilliant but needs help with life skills. From now on I will bring him lunch since I work close by. I will continue to do all of these things because it makes me happy and proud. Who knew? lol

I love my family so much.

[This message edited by Root at 1:39 PM, June 10th (Monday)]

barcher144 posted 6/11/2019 06:59 AM

Thank you. This is huge compliment coming from you. My DBT instructor says she's seen improvement in me.

This response is for everyone else as much as it is for you.

Depression lies. It tells you that you are awful, even if you are not.

My psychiatrist once told me that *everyone* can get better, but you have to work at it. It's hard. It's a struggle. It takes a long, long time.

When you truly get better... you get better slowly, not all at once.

My mistake (which was reinforced by my first therapist) was believing that the little pill that I took every day was a magic cure. It is not. That pill helps you find the path, but you still have to take the same path. You have to work to change your behaviors and your mind set (and whatever else you are learning at DBT).

Just some advice... don't worry about your marriage so much. Focus on being the best Root that you can be... because that's really all that you can control.

barcher144 posted 6/11/2019 07:03 AM

Yes I screwed this up and I pray everyday that I get another chance. I do not deserve it I'm well aware.

Stop with the negative bullshit, please?

You deserve another chance. You earn another chance by working hard and improving yourself.

We all make mistakes. You admit your mistakes and you make amends and you move on. I am sure that you are learning this in DBT or that you will. You have toxic shame, it seems to me.

You fixing yourself is making amends!

Repeat after me:

I deserve another chance. I deserve another chance. I deserve another chance.

[This message edited by barcher144 at 7:05 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

ErinHa posted 6/11/2019 09:52 AM

Root you seem content and have your head in the right place. Do for yourself and the kids. R is a bonus but do you really want it? You are healthier now.

I too felt the same way, focused on what I wanted for once in my marriage. Did the right thing for the kids even if it wasn't what I wanted. I've grown beyond him and got out. I think you are on that path too. You said you know what he needs to reconcile and aren't willing to do it. Run with that, focus on you. It doesn't sound hopeful for R.

Root posted 6/11/2019 13:26 PM

Barcher thatís why I say Iím not healthy enough for R right now. The pill helps yes but I still have to do the work. Iím happy because it doesnít seem all that hard now. Give me a few more months alone building up my self esteem and learning how to self soothe and Iíll be better. Not perfect but good enough to be a great wife.

See as I see that I can accomplish things my self esteem grows.

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