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Confised1222 posted 6/4/2019 07:17 AM

I'm so incredibly angry and frustrated. I don't even know where to go from here. D day was in December, but I just posted for the first time a few months ago. I had my first counseling session yesterday and it was not what I expected! I pretty much sat there and cried for an entire hour talking to a complete stranger because my own husband, the one who caused all this, will not talk about it anymore.
I asked about telling the other BS and counselor basically said I wouldn't gain anything from it. She asked if I would have wanted someone to tell me about it and I said Yes, and the other guy deserves to know too. I also asked about telling my husband's family and friends. The counselor said it still will not prevent it from happening again. Well, thanks a lot. That's real comforting!!
UGH!! I'm just so incredibly mad, frustrated, hurt....a mess of emotions and I have no idea how to sort it all out. I feel like this isn't going to end! I'm stuck in some crazy dream, only it's reality. I'm so sick of it all. It fucking sucks!!!
How do people do this to their spouses??? To the people they supposedly love??? It sickens me to think about it and infuriates me. I'm not sure I've ever had so much anger inside me. I'm guessing this is just a stage a lot of people go through, but it really sucks. I get so angry, then I just want to lay down and cry. I feel completely crazy!! I thought counseling was supposed to help? I know I just started, but I really hope it's not like this after every session.
I've been trying so hard to focus on me and moving forward and the 180, but the counseling session yesterday sent me way back. I keep replaying everything in my head back to when I found out, his response when I confronted him, everything since then, thinking about before I found out and everything I did for him and for our family. I'm just sitting here thinking WTF??? This is exhausting and I don't know how to handle these emotions.
Is this normal? I keep telling myself it will get better with time. I guess I just needed to vent, or hear some advice or word of wisdom from the unfortunate experts that have been through this before.

SaddestDad posted 6/4/2019 07:18 AM

I asked about telling the other BS and counselor basically said I wouldn't gain anything from it.

That counselor is a freaking moron. Sorry.

GoldenR posted 6/4/2019 07:47 AM

Fire that counselor. Get one that SPECIALIZES in infidelity.

MamaDragon posted 6/4/2019 07:47 AM

Please see a different Therapist.

Sometimes you don't mesh with the first one you try, I know I didn't.

If it makes you feel better for others to know, tell them.

At the very least, the obs deserves to know what type of lie they are living. I'd want to know if I was in that situation again.

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/4/2019 07:48 AM

Thos can sometimes get worse with counseling before they get better. That being said, I think you need to find another counselor. You should absolutely tell the OBS. Like you said, he deserves to know that his wife is putting his life in danger. Also, it can help to tell you ILs if they will support you and check your WH.

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Eat, drink water, rest, exercise, do things you enjoy. 180 with your WH. Is he doing anything to fix what he broke? Is he still living with you.

tushnurse posted 6/4/2019 08:05 AM

It is normal to feel a setback after going because you are examining those feelings and remembering the events that occurred. This in itself can be helpful and healing, while it is painful it does allow you to view it from a new perspective.

It sounds like your spouse is doing nothing to fix it. How long are you willing to tolerate that? Are you 180 ing with the hope that he takes notice and finally gets on board, or are you 180 to protect your heart while you get your ducks in a row.

I do have to disagree with the therapist on not telling the other BS. I would ask for clarity from her on why she stated that. It could be she feels it won't help you heal and therefore is unnecessary to you and your healing. It could be she thinks you need to heal yourself a bit more first, or it could be she's an idiot and knows nothing about healing from the trauma of infidelity.
Regardless I would encourage you to start looking for a therapist that specializes in infidelity.

(((And Strength)))

Notmine posted 6/4/2019 08:09 AM

The counselor said it still will not prevent it from happening again.

I agree with this. Unfortunately, your husband needs to fix what is broken in him to prevent another affair. Doesn't sound like he is interested in doing that. I disagree with the counselor regarding telling the other BS and others. WHATEVER helps you heal, should be supported by your husband. He does not get to choose what you need to talk about. He must face the CONSEQUENCES for his ACTIONS or he is not safe for you. He is trying to rugsweep the affair. It is time for you to take control of this situation and draw a line in the sand. He goes to counseling so that you are safe and participates in your healing or he is out the door. Read up on the 180. It is said here that you must be willing to lose the marriage to save it. This has proven to be true for many of us. I am so sorry for your pain. I remember it well. It will get better, with or without him.

Stevesn posted 6/4/2019 09:59 AM


What is your WH doing to help you heal and repair the marriage. From what I can gather from your posts, it seems the answer is NOT A LOT, but perhaps you arenít telling us what he is doing.

But if he is not doing anything, you canít force reconciliation and recover with an unremorseful wayward husband.

So if heís not willing to do anything, including discuss his affair, then you should not be offering reconciliation.

Iíve posted on another thread that you should be detaching until he shows heís all in with you on fixing this relationship. That advice still stands.

And if he clearly doesnít get it, it may be time to start talking to lawyers about next steps.

I know thatís not what you want, but what you want requires work from him, and if heís not willing to put in that effort then the path is chose for you.

Good luck.

Confised1222 posted 6/4/2019 11:16 AM

I appreciate the comments and advice.
My husband goes back and forth between talking and not talking. He has not taken any steps to go to counseling or get help. Some of his actions show he wants to reconcile and move forward, then other times he doesn't want to deal with it and pretends it never happened. I have been trying the 180 and pulling back just to protect myself. I have been eating healthy and exercising as well. I feel like I was doing really good until counseling yesterday. After that it was just a flood of emotions and i wasn't expecting it.
I have not offered reconciliation, and am not waiting for it. I'm just trying to focus on me and the kids. I haven't told him what he needs to do to move forward because still figuring out what I want. I guess we're in limbo for now
I haven't talked to a lawyer yet, but I know what to expect from that because I have been divorced before. This is a second marriage for both of us.

Odonna posted 6/4/2019 12:13 PM

Has anyone suggested the Linda McDonald book to you yet? "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is essentially a recipe book for a WS to help them "get" the pain they have inflicted and develop and show true remorse. It is free on-line in pdf, and you should download it and read it so that you have a template to know how your WH SHOULD be behaving. Mark it up to highlight the points that resonate most with you and give it to him with a demand that he read it within 24 hours (easy to do). You will know right away if he "wakes up" and really tries to help you.

Marz posted 6/4/2019 12:53 PM

I have not offered reconciliation, and am not waiting for it. I'm just trying to focus on me and the kids. I haven't told him what he needs to do to move forward because still figuring out what I want. I guess we're in limbo for now

You're smart. R for it to have a chance at success must have certain requisites in place. If not you stand a high chance of setting yourself up for failure.

Unless you just want to stay together but you must accept what comes with that.

You are in limbo because you're allowing it. No one can keep you there but yourself.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 6/4/2019 13:22 PM

In my case, this was 100% true:

The counselor said [telling the OBS] still will not prevent it from happening again.

If the prevention from it happening again is the reason why you would tell the OBS - then no, do NOT expect to gain anything from that. While sometimes it happens, sometimes it does not. I think people sometimes take false comfort that blowing up the A will somehow end it. It may and it may not, but guarantee it certainly won't. So in that regard, your counselor is correct. So what are your reasons for wanting to do so? I see you said you would want to know - that was exactly the situation in my world, and that is reason enough. Tell if you want to but do not expect to get any "benefit" from it aside from a clear conscience. Perhaps your counselor wanted you to think about YOUR reasons for wanting to tell the OBS?

I decided to tell the OBS NOT because I expected it to end the A (it didn't) or because I wanted to extract "revenge" on the AP (could care less about that - my WS is my problem not the AP in my opinion). I decided to tell the OBS because I personally felt guilty for not doing so - like I was complicit in their lies by keeping my mouth shut. To me it felt like my discovery of the A made me a part of their secret bullshit club and I wanted no part of that - period. It took me a year to do it, and my WH told me that the AP was "shocked and horrified and really angry at ME for telling her H" - who cares really what she thought. In my case the OBS thanked me for telling him - and meant it.

I think you need to find another counselor.

I think all of us should take a breather and not advise to leave a counselor after 1 session. My suggestion is to go back to the counselor and explain WHY you want to inform the OBS. There ARE good reasons to for sure - talk about that. My counselor said something similar in that she wanted me to be sure about what I was hoping to gain from telling and if that was a reasonable thing to want/expect. Containing my expectations and emotions was very important to me and grasping my own why I felt the need to tell was worthwhile in thinking about.

I thought counseling was supposed to help? I know I just started, but I really hope it's not like this after every session.

Counseling is not the magic pill - unfortunately I found nothing made me feel better in the beginning - nothing at least for me but time and exhaustion. Much like a baby who is crying or a person who is in pain, I think that exhaustion eventually will set in and give you a break whether you want it or not. I remember in week 3 I came home, sad, depressed, angry, the works and fell asleep with my shoes still on with all the lights on sitting up on the couch. I woke up at 3am somehow slumped over and back to stress and anxiety...but that abated as well...with time. *Sigh*

I wish I had better news for you regarding how to get through this, but know that you can and will feel better one way or the other eventually.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:25 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

recovering2018 posted 6/4/2019 13:57 PM

2 major red flags from my perspective.

1. The therapist is terrible, and cannot help you.
2. Your husband doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

#1 is fully under your control. You can fire the therapist and find a better one.

BUT, #2 is up to your husband. If he won't find an IC nor open up, I don't even see the point to #1. More importantly, if he doesn't give a sh*t about what he did, you really need to consider 180 and filing. If he still deosn't come around, why would you really want him back?

[This message edited by recovering2018 at 1:57 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

ChangeMaker posted 6/4/2019 15:11 PM

Some of his actions show he wants to reconcile and move forward
Oh yes? Like what? Pick up his socks? Feed/bathe/clothe the kids? I'll bet he SAYS lots of stuff too.

He doesn't want to go to counselling, or get some other kind of help. Do you have ALL access to his life yet? Passwords? Accounts?

I agree that you shouldn't have to tell him what gives him his best chance of winning you back... he has the internet, he can find out if he cares enough to.

So far, it doesn't look like he cares enough to. I'm sorry for that... most of them don't.

The1stWife posted 6/4/2019 19:39 PM

Counseling can bring up a flood of emotions.

I had an amazing therapist - he saved my sanity during my Hís Affair as he kept yelling me he was Divorcing me.

So my therapist had the mediators lined up and told me what to expect. We never discussed an OBS because there was none.

I believe you should tell the OBS. It wonít stop the Affair but in this day and age with deadly diseases it is up to the BS to inform. I donít see why the counselor didnít see that.

Hang in there. You are doing everything you can. You canít make your H talk. But his refusal to discuss is a red flag.

And he needs to demonstrate to you he wants the marriage. Not just saying it but proving it to you.

burninghouse posted 6/4/2019 20:19 PM

I'm going to join you in your anger and frustration. It really irks me when counselors do not get that infidelity betrayal is traumatic. Although your counselor is likely well meaning, he or she seems to have a "just get over it" attitude which is so unhelpful for the BS. Of course telling the other BS doesn't guarantee anyone's fidelity. Nothing does! I mean how on earth is a comment like that supposed to help you process the kind of upheaval you're experiencing?

This is one of the most difficult, gut-wrenching, traumatic things a person can go through. What's needed is safety and support. If a counselor said stuff like that to me, I think I'd feel invalidated and unheard.

Yeah, find a new counselor, someone who specializes in betrayal/infidelity and trauma. Many counselors will do a free phone consult for 15 minutes to see if there's a good fit. You could do a Google search and find a few that may fit the bill and then interview them.

Given the circumstances, your anger and exhaustion are completely normal. Your emotions are going to be on a roller coaster for awhile (even with or without a good counselor) but you're right that as time passes things will change. And things will get better.

Take good care of you right now. Be extra kind to yourself. I hope you can chalk this up as an unfortunate learning experience and find a counselor who will support you in more constructive ways.

changeneeded posted 6/4/2019 22:52 PM

Itís okay to find another counselor. If you donít feel itís a good fit find someone else.

Personally, I think your counselor is wrong. However, Iím not sure what she thinks she heard.

seekers posted 6/5/2019 16:18 PM

Hi I would be angry too if a counselor said those things to me. Telling a betrayed not to inform the other betrayed is horribly hurtful advice. First the husband deserves to know simply because presently, he's living a lie, and has no clue he is. You both deserve to make decisions based in truth. I think you wanting to give him a heads up is healthy (and humane). Sorry your hurting. You'll get support here, welcome.

weddingbelle posted 6/9/2019 22:25 PM

Our MC told me in individual one day that I need to change my thinking, my speaking, and my reactions or he may bolt. I looked at her and said that I hadn't scorched the earth around me, he did. If he wants to bolt, let him. She hasn't told me that again!

CatsEye posted 6/10/2019 09:49 AM

If your counsellor ever implies that it is in any way your fault that your husband chose to have an affair, I recommend that you fire that counsellor on the spot and let him know that he is being fired for giving erroneous, hurtful, hateful advice and doing the exact opposite of what counsellors are supposed to do and that he needs to learn the reality about infidelity before he ever again presumes to give anyone any advice about it.

Your anger is normal. I never fully described how angry I got on this website because I was afraid someone would think I needed to be locked up. Extreme emotions are typical; it might not feel normal, but it's a normal reaction to an extreme situation.

I still get angry sometimes, but it doesn't happen as often, it isn't as strong, and it doesn't last as long. Things can get better. There's no fast and easy way to get over a betrayal of this depth, but if you focus on taking care of yourself and taking back control of your life, it should get better.

Best of luck to you.

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