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Long term affair vent

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Lifedestroyed posted 6/3/2019 08:54 AM

I 100% understand and feel everything you have written. I think one thing that no one understands if they havenít experienced this is how badly it fucks with your mind not knowing your own truth for so many years. Nothing makes sense anymore nothing feels real and I question and second guess every aspect of my life now. It has a huge effect on all other areas of my life. It truly is the cruelest thing you can do to another human being to deny them their own truth. It is absolutely abuse and takes a special kind of evil to do that to another human.

carriemcsky posted 6/3/2019 09:11 AM


If I had sex with another man I think my WH would know the moment I came home. It would be written on my face. If I could even have looked at him.

I agree with you about this. And the worst part? I am absolutely convinced that I know the very first time he came home after fucking her. After DDay, of course I was trying to remember certain things (hard to do when your brain is complete mush), about that period of time, and I distinctly remember him "working late" (which amazingly started right around the time his A started) one evening. I had fed my sons (another thing that became more and more of a habit). I held our dinner until he came home. And when he walked in the door, I couldn't believe what he looked like. Seriously, he looked like death. I remember telling him that his job was going to kill him if he didn't back off the late hours. He didn't even eat dinner, said he was too damn tired. Another red flag.


Laundry still is a little triggery. I can't say I don't mentally call him things as I fluff and fold. Imagining how many times I washed underwear with stains from their disgusting hookups. Picturing him likely being snide thinking to himself how I was doing that. I should have taken every item of clothing and gotten rid of it

Oh, yes, the laundry. Because really, how many times did I actually touch his disgusting underwear that probably reeked of the two of them? It's truly horrifying to think about. And because it went on for so long, it had to be literally dozens of times. And all along, I'm sure OW was laughing at the fact that his stupid little wife was so clueless.

I loved your rant, MBB. I've said similar to WH. I think all WS should hear what you said.

Chaos posted 6/3/2019 09:49 AM

Yes! Yes! Yes!

WH had 4.5 year LTA. And I was totally oblivious. Every aspect of that time frame was a lie. Every little thing was a lie. Every picture, every memory, every event - I only have the perspective of altered reality. Because the reality is that AP was in the background - I didn't see it. Great lengths were taken to keep it hidden from me.

It is a special kind of mind fuck. And there is a pain that I fear will never go away. A pain I didn't deserve. A pain that was repeatedly inflicted.

With a LTA - every day is affair season. Every little thing is a trigger. Every little thing is a painful reminder.

I'm reading this and both crying and screaming "go girl" at the same time.

I too have saved this to refer back to often.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/3/2019 10:42 AM

I think one thing that no one understands if they havenít experienced this is how badly it fucks with your mind not knowing your own truth for so many years. Nothing makes sense anymore nothing feels real and I question and second guess every aspect of my life now. It has a huge effect on all other areas of my life. It truly is the cruelest thing you can do to another human being to deny them their own truth. It is absolutely abuse and takes a special kind of evil to do that to another human

It is so disturbing, so disorientating when you think of it. Exactly. What was real, if any of it. Was it all a lie? Were you used to make them look better? Family vacations, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries all of it. Utter bullshit. It makes you feel like the ground beneath you is not solid. To take away someone's truth about their own life should be a criminal act. But that will never be. Sadly.

carriemcsky
I have wracked my brain trying to look back if I could pinpoint their first time. I can't. I can see when red flags popped up. But THE day? No. THAT haunts me most. What was I doing? Where was I? What mundane SAHM things was I doing. That he came home as if nothing happened makes it worse. When???? When was it?? That's the part that makes me hate him.

The laundry. There was one day I threw a pair of his underwear in the washing machine. They were covered in cum stains. He either blew a load in his pants or used them to clean up. I remember just standing there because there were other customers around me doing their wash. To this day I wish I had questioned it though I know I would have been fed another lie.

Chaos
Yes that's right. Every day, every month is affair season. It makes you sick to think about. What I can say is 2014 was a big year. Lots to look back on, major detachment occurred. I actually want to write it out but am running late as it is.

Like Arnold says, I'll be back.

carriemcsky posted 6/3/2019 13:48 PM

Yes that's right. Every day, every month is affair season. It makes you sick to think about. What I can say is 2014 was a big year. Lots to look back on, major detachment occurred.

2014 is when WH started his big adventure with OW. Big year, indeed. And yes, every day, every month, is affair season. Holidays, birthdays, you name it. But this time of year right now still hurts worse than anything because it's when it started and it's also DDay. Everyone loves Spring, right? Not me. Not anymore.

LTAs are nightmares.

Chaos posted 6/3/2019 13:56 PM

carriemcsky Same here - 2014 around this time of year. Dday same time of year 2017.
DDay2 same time of year 2018.

Perhaps that's why I'm in a funk.

This SUCKS!!

deephurt posted 6/3/2019 16:00 PM

Honestly yes yes yes to everything that all posters have said.

Btw-I made him get new underwear and threw out every single pair he had pre dday, still trigger over it though.

I honestly believe itís the cruelest thing you can do to your spouse. I told him that I wished he had just stabbed me 100 times with a knife because it would have hurt less and I mean that still

My wh is the same as yours in a lot of ways. He hasnít admitted to anything that I hadnít already found out or he thought I had already found out. I know he never will. Five years later and he doesnít remember anything new. Nine year a and he canít remember pretty much anything. I know this is the biggest reason I havenít been able to move forward. I donít know the truth about my own life

northeasternarea posted 6/3/2019 16:05 PM

April to August 2014 was without a doubt the worst period of my life. So much move-out, move in, move-out, move-in, move out.

But we survived.

Edie posted 6/3/2019 16:12 PM

You have stolen more than you could ever begin to comprehend. You have caused more pain and anguish to your spouse than anyone likely has before. You took away your spouses truth, and choices in their lives that may have been different had they known what a lying snake in the grass you really are. Your selfishness and entitlement are astronomical. The shattered pieces left in the wreckage of your poor choices are scattered around for your spouse and many times your children to pick up.

(((Hugs to us all)))

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/3/2019 22:16 PM

Ladies. What is it with 2014?

Though he had been detaching throughout 2012 and 2013, 2014 things shifted. It's obvious the PA turned into an EA that year.

January, my birthday. He calls me from work, talks about 10 minutes and said goodbye. I turned to my son as dumbfounded as Molly Ringwald and said he forgot my birthday. My WH came home with flowers but I believe he did forget and she reminded him probably by asking what he was doing.

Valentine's day he came home with nothing. He blamed having to work OT because of snow. Asleep by 8:30. Next day swings by the house during work and gives me chocolates and a card. They all got tossed to the side when I got back in the house.

Winter break I came down with something. Bedridden. For that to happen it means I'm really sick and he knows that. He came home, I was in bed, my son playing video games, no dinner cooked. He didn't care to ask what was wrong. Instead he yelled about nothing being done and left in a rage to go play hockey.

Late winter my son and I are in the car and he tell me he thinks his father needs help with FB. I told him no he knows how to use it. He then said sometimes people use FB to date. I said yes but Daddy's married. He said he knows he is. He never elaborated beyond that despite me asking if he had seen or heard anything he wanted to tell me. I think he was protecting me and at 10 likely may not have been able to comprehend something seen.

Soon after I check his SUV. There's a white trash bag on the back seat containing Advil, Dr Scholl's inserts, and a bag of macadamia kisses. It was like a care package I remember thinking. Inside the visor were a few prints of sex positions. I knew if asked he would brush it off as a joke with the guys at work. That's how I knew the gift I found in the basement in Dec 2015 was from the same person. The wrapping was gone, except for the bow, and it was in the same type of trash bag.

I question him soon after asking what is going on. Is there someone else. He says nothing. Then he tells me he's not happy and if things don't change he doesn't know if he wants to stay. My heart broke. I tried to talk but he shut me down. So he wasn't happy and wanted change but refused to communicate with me. Within days he acted as if nothing happened.

Spring, I threw my back out as we were getting ready to go to an auto show. I went but was in bad pain all day and standing around wasn't helping. He kept walking ahead of me. Like a good 10 feet.

Father's Day he was angry at my son and threw the unopened gift aside. He never opened it so I returned it and got my son a giftcard for himself instead.

Somehow in August we had an awesome family vacation. It was perfect. Lots of laughs. He noticeably became nicer and closer the further away from home we drove. He did the reverse when we got home. Distant and cold just like that.

Plans our sons birthday party on our Anniversary. Does nothing to acknowledge it. No dinner, nothing. Slept on the couch. My anxiety ramped up. Days later I'm in ICU with septic shock and he continued his affair. He was very impatient with my recovery. Within weeks back to yelling at me.

Thanksgiving instead of giving thanks that his wife survived he said he was thankful for the food and laughed. I still can see how my daughter looked at me.

I was being slapped with red flags that year. I just didn't want to see it for what it was. I didn't want to dig because I knew I was right and I was afraid of the pain.

Dumbest thing I could ever have done. I enabled those 2 assholes.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 10:23 PM, June 3rd (Monday)]

carriemcsky posted 6/4/2019 03:24 AM

MBB, I feel your pain. Literally. Because I have felt it, and I can still feel it. And I can relate to so many of your words:

Late winter my son and I are in the car and he tell me he thinks his father needs help with FB. I told him no he knows how to use it. He then said sometimes people use FB to date. I said yes but Daddy's married. He said he knows he is. He never elaborated beyond that despite me asking if he had seen or heard anything he wanted to tell me. I think he was protecting me and at 10 likely may not have been able to comprehend something seen.

After DDay, after I found some deleted texts, I started going through WH phone with a fine-tooth comb. I happened upon a message that was obviously meant for OW but he sent it to one of our sons instead: "Boys home safe. I love you girl". So my son knew something at least 2 months before I did. The same son who had been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes a year and a half before DDay.

And you know what WH said after DDay? That I wasn't paying attention to him. That he could have gone to work naked and I wouldn't have noticed. Maybe because while I was spending all my time researching DS's disease, taking him to all his appointments, taking care of all the school shit related to this, learning right along side my son about this life-altering disease, WH was flirting with OW, meeting up for hand-holding sessions before work, setting up the stage for their big love affair and basically ignoring all of us. But you know, I wasn't "paying attention" to the poor little boy. WH, that is.

Dumbest thing I could ever have done. I enabled those 2 assholes

Yep. Still makes me cringe at how naive I really was.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 6/4/2019 08:26 AM

Maybe because while I was spending all my time researching DS's disease, taking him to all his appointments, taking care of all the school shit related to this, learning right along side my son about this life-altering disease, WH was flirting with OW, meeting up for hand-holding sessions before work, setting up the stage for their big love affair and basically ignoring all of us.

carriemcsky
Oh so relatable! When my son was about 2 I was noticing issues and began doing my own research. When red flags were pinging on the autism spectrum my WH blew me off asking if I thought I was doctor. I began working with my son and his Asperger's diagnosis almost made me feel vindicated. Fucked up right? But he's such a smart kid and teachers constantly say he's brilliant. I used to tell my WH back then that maybe since he seemed to be on the computer all the time he might want to research a bit himself. I guess sports and porn were more important. I actually look back at the time period around 2004-2005 and he was displaying many behaviors that came out during the LTA. Detachment, I could do nothing right and it was the first time in our relationship that we went 3 months without having sex. For all I know he was cheating then with someone else but I can't make myself crazy because there is no way to look back and check.

The diabetes diagnosis (earth shattering as you know ❤ came 10 months out from DDay. Again it's been all me. He didn't show up to the ER until hours after I arrived (just like this January with the partially collapsed lung DS had). I do not think he has administered not even one insulin injection.

I guess this is where a WS in a LTA creates the room in their lives for a sustainable relationship outside of the marriage. Back off, dump everything in the BS's lap and trip the light fantastic in fantasyland. Fucking idiots!!!! How could some low lying fruit take precedence over family? I'm shaking my head as I write this because it just doesn't compute.

IDK how your son feels about his dad but mine has a lot of pent up anger. He cannot understand how someone can cheat in a marriage. He unfortunately has been the one to see my raw pain more than anyone. I carry a lot of guilt about that. The conversation in the car haunts me to this day. His memory is incredible but he barely remembers that conversation and has never said what made him say such a thing.

Kids are all over technology these days. A cheating parent being discovered by a child only adds to how vile the whole thing is.

As for the whining spouse regarding attention I always wonder how much attention were THEY paying to their SPOUSE. Mine wasn't giving me any and honestly little things would have meant so much. Instead he found a married whore to dote on.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 8:26 AM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 6/4/2019 11:59 AM

With a LTA - every day is affair season. Every little thing is a trigger. Every little thing is a painful reminder.

Exactly it just doesn't go away

carriemcsky posted 6/4/2019 12:07 PM

I used to tell my WH back then that maybe since he seemed to be on the computer all the time he might want to research a bit himself. I guess sports and porn were more important

Bingo! One morning during his A, he came up behind me while I was looking at information and statistics about low blood sugar. He asked me why I was doing this. Well, you idiot, to do the best job I can to help DS manage this disease. You know what he said? "That's what the doctors are for". Later, after DDay, when I looked at the computer history (never felt the need to do it before that), guess what I found? Porn, porn and more porn. And checking out the singles ads on craigslist. Lovely.

IDK how your son feels about his dad but mine has a lot of pent up anger

This particular son, on the night that I told both our sons that their father was choosing OW over US (it was 9 days after DDay when I caught him on VAR calling her from his car), walked right over to me, pulled me into a hug, and said, "Don't worry, Mom, we've got this".

And this particular son, about a year after DDay, caught me crying upstairs. I don't even know what I was crying about, but I know it was A related. I must have said something along those lines, maybe something like, "Just the last year catching up to me". Apparently, he stormed downstairs, walked right past WH, and told him, "I really ought to just kick your fucking ass".

And this particular son, just this morning, gave me a hug and said, "I really appreciate you making my lunch for me , Mom. And everything else you do" (He's working an internship that takes him into the field so he needs a packed lunch. Yes, he's 21 years old and could do it himself, but that's a story for another day).

He is tolerant of his father nowadays. But WH will never have the love and respect that he had from them before his A. And he knows it.

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