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What are the ramifications of mental infidelity?

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Justgetitoverwith posted 5/29/2019 21:16 PM

I don't think I did *worndown*. I did add more information after a pretty simple original post, which came about as more people expanded the discussion. The original q is the same though, and it doesn't matter what my situation is, I asked what the ramifications of mental infidelity were. I didn't ask originally if my WS situation was an EA.

WornDown posted 5/30/2019 14:11 PM

Well, this is a problem..."Mental infidelity"

Many times people (especially those not far removed from D-day), will see "infidelity" everywhere.

Sometimes they are right, sometimes they are not.

Simply saying, "My spouse is talking to someone and he admitted having a crush on them, but he hasn't done anything out of bounds," suddenly means: UNFAITHFUL! CHEATER!

Simply thinking about someone else does not constitute infidelity. Add in a history with said person, or other bad behaviors with said person - it might.

So, based on what you ORIGINALLY said (which discussed your H, not a generic question) - No, not a problem.

Add the additional info (about your H) - YES, a problem.

SaddestDad posted 5/30/2019 14:20 PM

Hmm, so you would class fantasizing about sex with someone you spend time with and message, as a straight up EA, even if the messages have no sexual or emotionally connective content?

Absolutely since you said the following in the Original post:
One who you spend time with, deliberately, and text regularly because you have a 'crush' on them?

If the "crush" is the reason and purpose for the constant contact, it definitely is an EA.

Justgetitoverwith posted 5/30/2019 16:08 PM

If the "crush" is the reason and purpose for the constant contact, it definitely is an EA.

As far as I can ascertain, the first day spent together was largely a consequence of finding out they both wanted to insist the same places, and it would be more fun together. This came after friendly contact. But all that followed was because he had started to develop more of an interest. And it gave him a thrill. Thx for confirming.

But what of the consequences of seeking out someone other than your spouse, because you are having EA thoughts? Does it lessen the feelings and desire to connect that you have for your spouse? My instinct is to say yes, because although he was working away, so communication was restricted, he phoned home much less than normal, emailed rarely and generally about practical things he wanted me to do for him, and only sent a couple of postcards (only one, before mentioned it, I think). Which was very different to his previous deployment. He said he'd been feeling disconnected already for different reasons, but I know that the phonecalls were longer before she started hanging around. That's a fact, whether he realizes it or not.

Did others notice a difference from partners in the midst of an EA? We're there any longer term effects?

[This message edited by Justgetitoverwith at 4:11 PM, May 30th (Thursday)]

SaddestDad posted 5/30/2019 16:25 PM

But what of the consequences of seeking out someone other than your spouse, because you are having EA thoughts? Does it lessen the feelings and desire to connect that you have for your spouse?

Absolutely, because there's less of a reward necessary to invest that feeling into the spouse... you've (unfortunately) been on SI a lot longer than I and are, therefore, say more familiar with the kibbles concept.

Did others notice a difference from partners in the midst of an EA?

My WW was in the midst of an LTEA throughout our entire dating/engagement/honeymoon phase & didn't start to love me until she let the A fizzle. She wouldn't even SAY, "ILU" for the duration of the A, which I had attributed at the time to FOO.

Because of that, yeah, I'd say there's a LOT of longer-acting effects, especially as she's so lacking in knowledge of how to truly show love.
That doesn't mean that it's the same for everyone else.
I will say one last thing on that, and I'm curious if you share this experience..?
After we were married, each and every time that she had a discussion and/or plans to meet-up with POSOM was immediately before or immediately after starting a fight with me.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/30/2019 16:54 PM

But what of the consequences of seeking out someone other than your spouse, because you are having EA thoughts? Does it lessen the feelings and desire to connect that you have for your spouse?

I would say, generally, yes. Expending energy anywhere else means less energy for spouse and family.

My fch was the opposite, though. When he was in his EA, he became more available to me. The only strange thing was that sometimes, he would just disappear in the middle of texting. I thought it was kind of strange, but assumed he had fallen asleep. He does that. Turns out he would start texting/sexting with the OW, which was more fun, I guess. So, his attention to her directly took his attention away from me.

Justgetitoverwith posted 5/30/2019 18:22 PM

After we were married, each and every time that she had a discussion and/or plans to meet-up with POSOM was immediately before or immediately after starting a fight with me.

It's difficult to say, as most of it took place in another time zone, and I am still unaware of the level of interaction between them beyond what I could piece together from messaging and asking her. (Which I find completely humiliating, I had to find out by asking his previous AP, just another layer of shit to suck up from the WS. I have seen though, from comparing our messages, that on a day he didn't see her, he initiated conversations with her a little while after sending me some sightseeing pics (which he only did after I complained he hadn't done this so far, and his tone was rather sarcastic about it).

I also was depressed to see that on the first day they spent together, id replied in the morning to a question he had about a pic of the kids I'd sent him, and he didn't reply at all, all day. I assumed he was just busy with work, but it turns out he was just out enjoying his day with her. I can't tell now, but I'm obviously wondering how much of that diversion of attention and ignoring me in preference to a more interesting option was going on at other times. Just like your WS, coco.

SaddestDad posted 5/30/2019 18:40 PM

I'm sorry, Justgetitoverwith. I hope I didn't give you more angst or sadness to pick through. If I did, I'm truly sorry.

Justgetitoverwith posted 5/30/2019 18:59 PM

No, don't worry SaddestDad, you didn't. I had actually checked out those message timings just the other day, following his last lie about the sightseeing. Thx for the concern though. :)

Beachwalker posted 5/30/2019 21:44 PM

JUSTGETOVERIT: While my WW was seeing other men, I always felt there was this undertone in our marriage that I couldn’t figure out. I felt that no matter what I did, I could never satisfy my wife: never enough income, house not nice enough, clothes not nice enough, etc. It got so bad that when I went to kiss her she would turn her head so I didn’t get her lips, either a cheek or her forehead. When I went to hug her, she brought up her arms to cover her chest so I couldn’t feel her breasts against me. She even told me her lack of sexual desire was because her hormones were out of balance, she no longer had that desire, etc., while all along porking other men. She wanted to have sex, just not with me, her husband who loves her with all his heart.

The consequences of this undertone is that since I could not find peace in my marriage and it always seemed there was something questionable, I had plans to D my W (before I knew she was a WW) when the children had graduated high school. Yes – it will affect your marriage!

This all began when a guy she saw looked really cute! One day he gave her the look of “I want to f*** you” and my wife wrote, “…and I gave it right back to him!” That Saturday, she was at his house and they did it twice that day and more later. Another guy whom she thought was nice and good looking began flirting with her, they ended up in a motel room. Another guy she worked with whom she told me was very nice and good looking began flirting, and they ended up in bed with each other.

My point to all this is with each man the A started with the thought of having sex with them. Yes, in your head it is not “just fantasy”; rather, it is paving the way for the next step. Don’t go there!

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