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Wish I could have *us* back

Hold2win posted 5/27/2019 20:10 PM

Not much else to say past the title.

I wish I could have what we had back. Truth is that she is a narc, a covert narc, and her history proves it. Still, after all the revelations of her evil truths, I wish that what we had was real and that she didn’t destroy it.

Yeah, it’s coming up on the 4 month mark since DDay of her exit affair for her abusive ex bf. Man, they are both abusive in their own ways, two Narcs, who deserve each other. It doesn’t emotionally hurt as much as it did at first. It still hurts in some other way though, not quite as much, but damn do I reminience. Damn, do I wish to have what we planned on.

Yup, this one is a rant. Thank ya’ll for reading.

J707 posted 5/27/2019 20:55 PM

I get it dude! I'm about 16 months past Dday and almost D and still think of what could have been. If she would've been this way or that way. If she was who I thought she was and be awesome grandparents one day. If she wasn't so evil, it would've been perfect. If your aunt had balls she would be your uncle (sorry, my coworker told me that one, made me crack up).

I wished my stbx was the woman I thought she was, I thought we were perfect together, I was wrong, I didn't see it. Now I see her for who she truly is. A Narc, a nasty person. The brain is a trickster as well. I think reminiscing is natural. It was what you had planned, me too. To me now, it's been a true blessing, still hurts, but getting out of and away from a NPD is a breath of fresh air! Takes time to get through the mind fuck and emotional abuse. It does get better though man!

devotedman posted 5/27/2019 20:55 PM

You've been heard.

OwningItNow posted 5/27/2019 22:13 PM

The reality is that narcs have a great side, a fun side, an energy side, a savvy that we miss. Of course we do. Some theories say that the narc cultivates that side to lure people in, but I honestly don't think so. I think that fun side is the person they wish they really were. But due to their traumatic feelings while growing up, they aren't really that person deep inside. Deep inside they are angry and bitter for how they were wounded when young, and they plan to make everyone they meet pay. That is the only safety a narc feels in this world--hurt everyone you meet in the world because the world hurt you.

So of course you miss the fun, charming, engaging side of your narc WW. And it's ok to grieve for her, but it will never change that it was a mask covering her bitter, fragile, angry, terrified self.

(((((Hold2win)))))

Eta: I occasionally run into one of my narc exes. He is still charming and engaging, and I really do wish him well--but that would mean years of honesty and IC, and he is never going to be that vulnerable. So he remains a lonely guy in his mid 50s, never married and no longer attracting the hotties. He's a broken guy who rails against an unfair world and blames everything and everyone for his problems. But I still care about him, I just can't save him or even help him. Nobody can.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:17 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 5/27/2019 23:01 PM

I don't miss that slob whatsoever, but I did realize something deeply about myself this weekend: I miss being loved in general. I miss loving. I miss the intimacy. Sex would be nice but it's actually so low on my list to be a nice side effect of the rest of these things. I miss stuff like holding onto a woman's face, looking longingly into her eyes, and feeling that feeling being reciprocated. I miss the cuddly, romantic stuff again.

But my ex? Yeah she's old news and has been for months. A shitshow, really.

OrdinaryDude posted 5/28/2019 01:18 AM

My WW has been a wayward for so long, I wouldn’t know which version of her I’d prefer anymore after all the times that she has “remade” herself.

This one seems pretty nice, so long as she remains faithful to “us”.

I think we all feel this, some longer than others.

lostandbroken123 posted 5/28/2019 02:21 AM

Hold2Win

You have been heard and I validate your thoughts. 8 months since DDay for me and I miss all of our hopes and dreams, I miss the track we were on and the feelings that I thought were real. After 12 years of marriage, I realize that she is a stranger to me now. I am glad that you are not in as much pain as you were. Keep it real.

Robert22205https posted 5/28/2019 12:14 PM

Did you move to another town? New job?

Vent all you want. You are never alone.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/28/2019 12:39 PM

I miss being loved in general. I miss loving. I miss the intimacy. Sex would be nice but it's actually so low on my list to be a nice side effect of the rest of these things. I miss stuff like holding onto a woman's face, looking longingly into her eyes, and feeling that feeling being reciprocated. I miss the cuddly, romantic stuff again.

Thank you for sharing this, AG.

My fch didn't leave me, but I still miss the man I thought he was, the man he presented himself to be. It was all a lie. Now, I have to try to build a new life with this whole new person.

STLLOST posted 5/28/2019 13:11 PM

I'm in the same boat as you are H2W. I really wish I could have "us" back. In fact I kept telling my wife I want my wife and my life back. I feel like I've been robbed of what I thought my life was. Either my WW or I or even both have some blinders on and have rewritten the past. I see an amazing marriage with a few ups and downs that we were able to navigate through. She sees a marriage that she had to change who she was and was only happy in the beginning. We all marry with the image of what our life together would be. I would see those old married couples that are still holding each others hands or one of them helping the other because they can't do something themselves and thought that is going to be us.

Abandoned you are spot on. I miss that stuff too. I mean yeah sex is great but it's the things like being able to be held while falling asleep feeling safe and like you are where you were meant to be. Or taking her outside to actually dance in the rain. Or reading on the hammock together. Or even going to the store and having her come up behind me just to hug me because she loves me. I miss that stuff so much that sometimes I just break down at the thought of all the injustice.

I saw something on Facebook the other day that said "Falling in love is easy. Having sex is easier. But bumping into someone who can spark your soul, now that's rare". So when you feel like you've had your soul sparked by someone and you think they're it for you, it's devastating to lose it.

destiny777 posted 5/28/2019 15:08 PM

same here hold2win,

3 years and the flame on low heat. my phoenix feathers are burning off slowly.

what a gradual disillusionment. at least the Phoenix gets to die and rise. me, I'm dying waiting to get to the hump of acceptance and no more sadness.

I'm still sort of baffled. "What a f*cking shit sandwich this is.

1girlsmom posted 5/28/2019 21:35 PM

I feel ya.
I understand your sadness & wishfulness.
Being robbed of what we thought was going to be our future is a sadly perfect way of stating it.
I'm sorry.

Chaos posted 5/29/2019 11:48 AM

I hear this.

I want my life back. The life I thought I had.

keptmyword posted 5/29/2019 14:44 PM

There is not one single aspect of my XWW that I miss - at all.

There are no “fond” memories about her nor do I reminisce about any “good” times we had, because when you realize it was all just a phony narcissistic facade the whole time, the memories fade away pretty much for good.

I have fond memories of previous relationships because they were real and there was no betrayal.

I do miss having a whole family though.

That said, my yearnings for a family do not ever include my XWW.

When my divorce was finalized, it was one of the most liberating feelings I have ever felt.

I reached indifference long ago but I also feel a sense of genuine pity for her.

I cant imagine being elderly and looking back on my life and seeing the smoldering train wrecks and plane crashes that my life would consist of as a remorseless, narcissistic, backstabbing POS and realizing just how empty my life has been.

You will not only reach the state of genuine indifference, but also the perspective that she gave you the gift of revealing who she really is before you had children involved.

You’ll get there.

Marz posted 5/29/2019 14:52 PM

I suspect like most your are only missing the illusion of what you thought you had.

Hold2win posted 5/29/2019 15:00 PM

Yeah Marz you’re right.

I only miss the illusion. The whole thing about my covert narc ex is that it was all an illusion, a con. She got me though!

Moving in has become easier with time, it’s coming up on four months for me. Not seeing her on a weekly basic due to school ending has helped tremendously.

DevastatedDee posted 5/29/2019 15:43 PM

There are no “fond” memories about her nor do I reminisce about any “good” times we had, because when you realize it was all just a phony narcissistic facade the whole time, the memories fade away pretty much for good.

I find that this is true for me too. Now that I understand who I was actually with, the shine is off of all of those memories. It makes me sad sometimes as I honestly was the happiest I had ever been in my life with my WH, but it is what it is. I never had the husband I loved so much in the first place.

Hold2win posted 5/29/2019 17:08 PM

DevastatedDee,

I mean, that’s the trouble of it isn’t it? I realize who my WW is, I have learned far too many truths about her to ever reasonably miss who she *is*. Yet, the times before felt real, and they were my best times with anyone else just like you.

That’s the us that I miss. And the fond memories for me aren’t tainted, because they were real for me, and I do think that at the time they were real for her, too.

DevastatedDee posted 5/30/2019 08:07 AM

That’s the us that I miss. And the fond memories for me aren’t tainted, because they were real for me, and I do think that at the time they were real for her, too.

I struggle with this exact thing. Part of me really believes that for a time, it was as real and as intense for him as it was for me. I think I've come to the conclusion that it was at least as intense, but much more shallow for him. I was like a drug and he's an addict. That made me the most important thing in his life at one point. That also takes the shine off the memories because it makes me into a possession more than a person. Once the shine wore off, I was still in love like that. He wasn't. He had an unhealthy attachment to me, but the love wasn't what I would call real.

I hope you can hold onto those memories without them being tainted. There really is nothing on earth more beautiful than being in love like that.

BobPar posted 5/30/2019 12:00 PM

Truth is that she is a narc, a covert narc, and her history proves it

It always reminds me of the movie "The Hunger Games". When Peeta has to ask,"True or not true".

It is hard because it is so sad and hurts. But remind yourself of what is true and then grieve the loss of what isn't. Patiently experience all the stages.

I'm sorry you find the need to be here Hold2win.

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