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Where do I go from here? How do I fix this? Why am I not enough?

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Robert22205https posted 5/27/2019 11:40 AM

You are being very nice and reasonable. Unfortunately cheaters view 'nice' as a weakness they can take advantage of to continue the affair.

Based on his behavior, the OM does not respect you nor is he afraid of you.

By tipping your hand he's already talked to his wife and trashed your reputation (violent, abusive etc) and labeled you as a 'jealous nut'.

Generally it's more effective to expose without further warning vs threats.

The fall out from exposure (for both cheaters) is something their inappropriate behavior brought upon them - and it's called consequences.

LateNght posted 5/27/2019 11:54 AM

And that might have been true.

Except I have a phone full of explicit evidence where these 2 used not only their names but mine, his wife, the business partner etc.

There is no going further underground.

This forum is a blessing. I'm still scared as hell but I've gotten a lot more bold since my OP.

Thank you guys for the kindness and encouragement.

Marz posted 5/27/2019 11:58 AM

Your wayward wife is very typical nothing special at all. They lie, hide and deny. That's all you've gotten.

It seems like you are helping hide their affair which just enabled it further. As long as they work together the affair will continue.

Apparently you've taken no action and just talked. As you've seen it got and will get you nothing.

Your feeble attempts at doing the "pick me dance", trying to nice her back just made her OM look better and you look worse. Your weak actions just lowered you status.

You go on and on about how you love her, etc. How much do you love getting cheated on and sharing her wit her boss? This is part of who she is.

She likes things the way they are. She likes having her affair. You don't matter much.

Until you get strong, stand up and take control of your life you'll fonrinue to get more of the same. Your lack of any action has told her she can do as she pleases. Why would she change a thing????

She put you in this dilemma but you are keeping yourself there.

She not Reconcilliation material at this time.

Until you wake up and blow this thing open you'll stay where you are.

At this time full exposure to other mans wife, her family all at once without warning is the only chance you have.

Better wake up now

Marz posted 5/27/2019 12:01 PM

Except I have a phone full of explicit evidence where these 2 used not only their names but mine, his wife, the business partner etc.

That doesn't do you any good unless you use it.

They don't have to go underground because you've been taking it so far. They are confident you'll continue so they will not stop.

Exposure works best if it's all at once to key people and without any warning.

Empty threats do not work and just enable behavior

Wake up

Marz posted 5/27/2019 12:07 PM

Her boss is not the main problem. Your wife has allowed this. Like most you seem to be making him the main villain.

He's only taking what your wife is willingly giving him. She's picked him over you.

This didn't just happen. Your wife made a very conscious and willing decision to cheat on you. Lots of planning, lying and deceit. That's part of who she is.

Until you wake up you'll continue to wallow in this.

Talk gets you nothing. Nothing!!!!!!

She's not Reconcilliation material at this time so do not offer that until you see those signs change.

sisoon posted 5/27/2019 12:14 PM

Would you want to know if your GF was cheating? Would you be OK with her stopping the A and not telling you the truth because she was threatened with exposure?

As you heal - and you will heal - you'll probably find that the lying is of the utmost significance.

OBS deserves to know that her H may bring home an STD. OBS deserves to know that her H is lying to her. OBS deserves to know that her H has put her financial welfare at risk by having and A with a subordinate.

Send the email to OBS ... no warning, no excuse.

And follow up with a phone call to make sure she got the message. Her H is now on notice that you might inform her.

Also - this is very important - your SO chose to cheat with him. Your SO is the one who made commitments to you. His backing off is neither here nor there.

HoldingTogether posted 5/27/2019 13:43 PM

LateNght,

Brother, you have gotten the best advice that the collective wisdom of over 70,000 members and literally decades of experience with infidelity have to offer. And the consensus is overwhelming that you have got to expose. Not later, not if the OM doesnít back off. Now, and to everyone.

I know that this seems counterintuitive to you right now. I know that you are trying to minimize the damage in hopes of salvaging your relationship. I get it, I really do. And I am not going to be someone who tells you that salvaging your relationship is impossible. Hell, I am 9 years out from Dday and happily married to my remorseful wife. It can happen. Iím not saying it will happen or even that it is likely. I certainly donít want to give you false hope. But I will tell you this:

If your wife and the OM do not suffer the natural, logical, reasonable and fucking just consequences of their affair? It will continue. Oh they might cool it for a while, they may even fucking mean it. But it will start up again. maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but soon and even worse than before.

You have got to be able to see this buddy... because it has already fucking happened once. Why on earth would you think that doing the same thing you did before would yield any different result? Iíll tell you why: because you are heart broken and confused and you are not thinking clearly! Which is why you really need to take the advice of people here. People who have been through it and have seen it play out here on this website over and over again.

As I have told you previously, there is a vanishingly small window in which you will be able to have any impact on steering the course of how this is all going to play out. Each moment that you spend agonizing over what to do that window shrinks. Your Gf and OM are laying the foundations of further lies upon which to build a facade of them being the victims and the good guys. Itís not Machiavellian either, itís just unfortunately typical human behavior. Everyone wants to be the hero in their own fucking story. It hard to be that hero when you have been cheating and lying to your partner but given enough time to rewrite the script and they will be able to convince even themselves. At that point your GF will be too far gone to ever admit to anyone, least of all herself, just how badly she has behaved.

I really need you to believe me on this. I have seen it play out over and over again. Here on SI and in real life with my brother in law. The song remains the same every time.

I know you want to try to save your relationship, and I am not telling you that it is impossible at this point. It may be too late may not be. But I will guarantee you that there will come a point where it absolutely is to late. Maybe that point has passed maybe it hasnít.

Maybe it passed while you were reading this sentence.

Or this one. Or the next.

Are you feeling me? No matter what outcome you get there is only one course open to you that puts you back in some semblance of control. Only one course that makes you no longer a passive observer to your own victimhood. That course starts with exposure.

Not by email. Itíll be intercepted, not by a letter in the mail. Finish reading this, pick up the phone, call her dad, then call his wife, then call his partner. I fucking swear to you you are going to start feeling more in control immediately afterward.

Onward and upward brother.
HT

[This message edited by HoldingTogether at 1:44 PM, May 27th (Monday)]

anoldlion posted 5/27/2019 23:18 PM

I am a lot older than you, been around the world several times, seen many situations comparable to yours, so here is the best advice I can give you. You are not married to her so don't just walk away, RUN AWAY. If you stay and this is occurring now what is it going to be like 5 or 10 years in the future. There are over 3 billion women in the world. Go find one that will love you and be a wife, lover, life partner, and best friend to you. They are out there because I found one decades ago. Run away from this woman and go find yours. I wish you well.

LateNght posted 5/28/2019 05:32 AM

I've done it.

I feel dread. No relief just dread. For the fallout that is to come.

I don't know what will happen. The wife may go to their workplace today and beat my gf.

My gf may lose her job.

She may be disowned.

Certainly shamed.

I feel like a terrible person honestly.

Lalagirl posted 5/28/2019 05:55 AM

You did the right thing and we are very proud of you!

You're not a horrible person - that's on her.

I don't know what will happen. The wife may go to their workplace today and beat my gf.

My gf may lose her job.

She may be disowned.

Certainly shamed.

These are consequences for shitty choices. Not mistakes... choices. She chose not only to have an A with the OM, but to trash talk his innocent BS.

Speaking of choices, please understand that your WW was not "played" by the OM (his money, jealousy, etc.) - she chose to be with him. IMO, she could use intensive IC - the OM is old enough to be her father. Just yuck.

You may want to follow up with OBS with a phone call - the OM may have very well intercepted your message. It's happened here many times on SI.

Sending strength...

Lala

Robert22205https posted 5/28/2019 07:52 AM

I feel like a terrible person honestly.

NO NO NO. You're the victim. You are not responsible for the fallout from their decision to cheat.

HoldingTogether posted 5/28/2019 07:58 AM

You did the right thing man, know that. We are here for you going forward. Keep updating us.

Your GF is almost certainly going to have a shit fit. Donít let her make you feel like the bad guy in this, thatís bullshit. She made her bed now she is going to be mad she can no longer lie about it (see what I did there? ).

This is move number one on your part. You just shifted the dynamic in a big way. Itíll be rough waters for a bit but I promise you this shit is going to get better going forward. Any forward movement is better than paralysis.

I am proud that you did the right thing.
HT

Bigheart2018 posted 5/28/2019 08:03 AM

This is the time you MUST show STRENGTH!!!! You must be able to stand there and look each person in their eyes and defend yourself with confidence/defiance. Don't show any weakness or remorse for doing the right thing. Above all, don't cry or show any fear nor weakness in front of your partner or her AP.

Marz posted 5/28/2019 08:10 AM

Dating is a tryout. Your gf failed miserably.

Dump her

ChamomileTea posted 5/28/2019 08:30 AM

Typically, cheaters are very angry when they're exposed. Many would have us believe that telling the truth is an equal or worse betrayal than the adulterous actions themselves. This is of course utter nonsense. Just remember that YOU didn't do anything wrong. Your cheating SO might lash out at you, but her perspective is skewed just now. It will likely be some time before her reason returns, that is, if she's capable of reason. Exposure forces the cheaters to make choices, to either leave or to attempt repairs at home. They might flounder for a bit before making their choice, that's typical. Your best bet is to show calm self-assurance and determination in your course. You are moving out of infidelity. If she wants to follow, she'll need to catch up.

You're right. It feels really counter-intuitive. But that's when you remind yourself that whatever you thought you had to lose was already lost. As things stand today, all you've lost is a cheating girlfriend. What you have to gain though is a faithful, committed mate. So, yeah... she's most likely going to have quite a tantrum. After that, she's going to need to prove she can be the partner you deserve.

ibonnie posted 5/28/2019 08:44 AM

If your LTGF comes at you in anger, just try to stay neutral and say -- "you should be happy. I'm removing myself from this situation, and now that his wife knows, he can finally leave her and you two can be together. This is what you wanted, right?"

sewardak posted 5/28/2019 09:35 AM

perf ^^

Buster123 posted 5/28/2019 10:15 AM

You're received great advice so far and I'm glad you finally exposed them with OBS, if you haven't done so go ahead and EXPOSE to all family and close friends, burst their fantasy bubble. The good thing is you're not married and are not subject to child support, honestly she failed you miserably, I suggest you run for the hills and dump her, better now than 5 years down the road, married and a few children later. She's a proven cheater and a liar, you're still young and deserve so much better, you need someone who respects you and loves you, not someone who says she loves OM and is "trying to choose", she's still in an active A, please get tested for STDs and RUN.

sisoon posted 5/28/2019 11:19 AM

The way to show strength is to calmly show that you are aware of what you did and are ready for the consequences.

I recommend coming up with a brief, set response and sticking to it - no explanation, no excuse, no defense, because you don't need an excuse, explanation, or defense.

Maybe something like, 'I informed her. No one can unring a bell. I won't discuss it. Let's move on.'

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/28/2019 11:27 AM

I feel like a terrible person honestly.

I did too when I told the OBS. I HATED being the bearer of such terrible news. It didn't matter to me that the OBS was thankful. It didn't matter to me that I did the "right" thing. I still HATED shattering someone's world, much like I'm sure a doctor hates to tell family in the waiting room that their patient/his loved one has died, even if it's through no fault of their own. The giving of news that is going to shake up the world of others is never a good feeling. It's okay to feel that way. You didn't deserve any of this including the shitty feelings that come with disclosure to others.

I can also tell you this: I held onto the information for a LONG time before telling (a year) and during that year I felt guilty and awful and complicit in their lies in some way. It was eating at me. So although I felt bad for the telling, I also felt better than when I had held it in.

You will be okay - and if anyone judges you for "ruining their lives" - you didn't - they did.

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