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Where do I go from here? How do I fix this? Why am I not enough?

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LateNght posted 6/1/2019 11:05 AM

I see people saying I didn't 180 and to NC. I didn't see anything in the 180 about me NC on my SO. I know in order to truly R if we ever do she will have to NC OM.

I haven't said anything about fixing us to her when we've talked. I haven't said I miss you or I love you or I wish it could be different. I've told her I'm moving on. I've told her I didn't expose to OBS to betray her or get even I did because OBS had a right to know and it was the right thing to do and the fall out isn't because of me telling the truth it's because of her and OM's morally bankrupt decisions!

The1stWife posted 6/1/2019 11:34 AM

Late night

Love your last post. You know you did the right thing. Exposing you and the OBS to STDs or other possible health issues is awful. Itís ok if SHE - the cheater - doesnít care about her health but she has no right to inflict that decision on anyone else - namely you and the OBS.

She can be mad at you for the rest of her life. That will show you that she will never be the kind of person to accept responsibility for poor choices and the fact she chose to cheat.

She has somehow become someone you longer recognize.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:31 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

fareast posted 6/1/2019 13:18 PM

LateNght:

I also like your last post. You get it. You told her exactly the right things. You are moving on. You exposed because the OBS has a right to know, and not to be vengeful. Excellent.

Listen, no contact is to protect you from further pain and to regain your footing. But you do you. If you want to talk to her go for it. If you can handle talking with your WGF, and it appears you handle yourself quite well, then do so. But be prepared for attempts to blame shift and guilt trip you. Thatís all.

Good luck.

LateNght posted 6/1/2019 13:36 PM

I mean I'm not gonna lie guys.

Inside I'm dieing.

Fuck.

I was 22 when I met her and I'd just been through alot of things with my previous relationship that destroyed my trust in not only gf's but people in general.

And because of that I did not rush into this relationship. I was very guarded with my emotional investment. The very first thing I told my SO on day one of our relationship was that no matter what, I will ALWAYS tell you the truth. No matter how bad it is, always.

And I did. I told her the truth everyday for 7 years. And she worked her ass off to earn my trust. I mean she was all in 100% man. Like this girl LOVED me. At one point she loved me. Everyone saw it. Friends, family, strangers even.

Which is why this is so damn hard. Because WHEN? When the hell did she change. What did I do? Why couldnt I see it? What did I not do? How could she love me so much and then somewhere along the way feel like she was wasting her time with me?

I'm not making excuses for her, but fucking a there has to have been something that I did or didn't do that led to this. To the start of it. And then once it was started she didn't really have a reason to come clean because she was already done at that point.

Man I'm losing it today. I can't stop crying and I'm not a crier but I just want to call her and see her and lay my heart and soul out and whatever may come let it come. Whatever happens, so be it.

I feel like I can't do that. But my heart wants to so damn bad.

I just want all of this to end. I want my life back. I want my family back.

northeasternarea posted 6/1/2019 14:46 PM

I'm not making excuses for her, but fucking a there has to have been something that I did or didn't do that led to this.

Your premise is FALSE. The choice to cheat is 100% on the cheater. Don't call her. Get a journal. Write out your feelings. You are young. Be glad you aren't married and have the option to walk away from her. Yes, you still love her. And maybe she will find a way to be worthy of that love.

Marz posted 6/1/2019 15:51 PM

I mean yeah according to her I've ruined more lives than I know in more ways than I know.

Nope, her and her OM did that. It's not your job to help hide their affair

[This message edited by Marz at 3:51 PM, June 1st (Saturday)]

Marz posted 6/1/2019 15:56 PM

Stop projecting on her. I love her so she must love me too thing. Her actions tell you she doesn't.

You'd be Berger of not living on hopium here and cut off all contact. Clarity will come much faster if you can do that.

LateNght posted 6/1/2019 16:17 PM

Then how should next contact go?

What about even just a break up text.

HoldingTogether posted 6/1/2019 19:10 PM

Then how should next contact go?

That depends a lot on what she does, and of course what you want. I am assuming you are still hoping for R?

All your contacts going forward would be best kept business like. If she had something substantive she would like to discuss with you, fine. But if she wants to rant and rave about what a meany you are and complain about how hard everything is for her, shut that shit down. Do not even engage with that bullshit. Arguing with it or fighting back just encourages more of the same, she wants to get you on your back foot, off balance and fighting back angry. When she does that she is trying to drag you down to her level. Donít give her the fucking satisfaction. Just calmly tell her that you arenít going to listen to that and hang up the phone.

You can hang up because you donít currently owe her the courtesy of listening to her bullshit. She doesnít get to pour vitriol into you for the simple reason that she isnít currently your girlfriend. You guys broke up when she started seeing OM. She just didnít have the common decency to fucking tell you. She doesnít get the luxury of ringing you up out of the blue to rave or complain to you like youíre some sort of emotional tampon she puts on whenever she has some feelings sheíd like to dump all over somebody.

Now, on the other hand, if she actually turns a corner at some future point and wants to talk with you about trying to salvage the relationship... and if she is fucking blessed enough that you are still willing to consider it? Then that conversation should be all about the conditions you would require before you would even entertain the idea.

And what exactly should those conditions be?

I donít know for sure. What do you think they should be? And not just your knee jerk reaction.... you need to think long and hard about just what it would take to make you feel safe enough to be in a relationship with her again. She has proven herself to be emotionally dangerous. Donít under estimate that, donít fall for the poor weak victim act. She has demonstrated that she has claws. And she has shown her willingness to use them on you. You need to think very carefully about what you would need from her to convince you that she is safe to even associate with again.

What those conditions are varies from person to person and situation to situation. But a good partial list of the common ones would be:

-Total and complete NC with OM

-Total can complete transparency from her. Full access to her phone, email, social media whereabouts etc.

-IC (individual counseling) for her, so she can figure out just what major malfunctions in her thinking got you guys to this point.

-Complete and total honesty going forward including full disclosure of any and all details that you need.

-NC with any friends/family that encouraged or aided in the coverup of her affair.

Thatís just the basic starter package. There are plenty of custom options you are gonna want to consider.

IF, and thatís a big if there. She should pull her head out and want to try and come back to you. And IF, another big if, thatís still what you want , then the conversations that you have about that should be starting with those nonnegotiable conditions for even considering attempting Reconciliation.

Look, I know that you have stated that R is what you want. And I am not tying to dissuade you about that. And I would bet money right now that you are thinking a big list of conditions would only drive her away.... And you know what? It just might. But if those conditions do drive her away then R was doomed to start with anyway.

Cause Reconciliation doesnít just mean getting back together and just moving on. It means her fixing herself. It means repairing, as much as it can be, the damage she has caused. And it means helping you by creating a safe environment in which you will be able to heal despite have the person that wounded you so badly always around as a reminder of that hurt. No small task that. Not a job for the weak, half hearted or uncommitted wayward.

I know you want her back in your life man. I get it, I really do. But at the end of the day you are still gonna have to live with yourself. And this shit is deeper and more soul bruising than you even realize right now. That damage doesnít get fixed in a day, a week or sometimes even years. And it doesnít work in anything other than the ideal environment.

Now you just gotta spend some time figuring out exactly what that ideal environment looks like for you and your unique situation.

Again, lot of IFís to get through before you even get to the point of having that conversation. But thatís an idea what it would look like if you do.

Stay strong brother,
HT

ChamomileTea posted 6/1/2019 19:17 PM

^^^^ this from HoldingTogether. If we had an applause emoticon, I'd be using it. You would do well to print that out and refer to it often, OP.

pureheartkit posted 6/1/2019 20:22 PM

Late, I think it's wonderful you decided to trust in people. You gave all your love and thoughts to your small family.

Please don't let this experience change you. You are perfect. You are who you ought to be.

Why she changed? I don't know but I have a guess

We are in a me centered culture today.
Look around, it's everywhere. Me centered does not bring human happiness. It brings the never-ending thirst for more. There is destruction of people, resources, the planet. There is slavery.

More money, more power, more wealth, more status, more sex, more inflated egos. It's time to stop, to consider if this is best for humanity and our world. People lose their way and become destructive to themselves and others. It's a tragedy.

You are in grief. Mental pain brings also physical pain. It's a double hurt. I think mental pain hurts worse. Things bring it on. Thoughts bring it on. You can get through it. At first, days seem very long and full of events. Your mind is busy to capacity. Nights seem long and aren't restful. Stress wears the body and mind down. People are social. Sudden losses and betrayals hurt us deeply. It hits us at a basic level to who we are and how we survived all this time.

You will come through this. Everyone here knows you are deeply hurting and wants the best for you.

Have faith in yourself, your good nature. This pain will become easier in time.

pureheartkit posted 6/1/2019 20:45 PM

I also want to say I believe that people can change. They can turn away from selfish attitudes and actions.

But.......

It requires a moment of awakening. Something happens. They see what they have done. Their thinking becomes clear. They earnestly desire a different way or to make amends and return to what they were before. They value the good and the love that is in others.

I remember such moments in my life. I also gradually worked on attitudes I had. To grow in spirit is a journey and sometimes its an uphill climb. Sometimes it's a desperate claw out of a dark pit. All we can do is extend a hand and see if someone will take it.

ibonnie posted 6/1/2019 21:07 PM

I mean I'm not gonna lie guys.

Inside I'm dieing.

Fuck.

Man I'm losing it today. I can't stop crying and I'm not a crier but I just want to call her and see her and lay my heart and soul out and whatever may come let it come. Whatever happens, so be it.

I feel like I can't do that. But my heart wants to so damn bad.

I just want all of this to end. I want my life back. I want my family back.

LateNght, we know this is hard. We've all been where you are. You WILL get throught this. I know 1000% it doesn't feel like that right now. It didn't to me, when I spent literally every day crying for about three months straight.

I thought I would just be miserable until the day that I died. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to sink into my bed and cease to exist.

I started going to therapy and taking antidepressants, which helped me so, so much. Please make sure you're taking care of your physical health! Go to your doctor, get a checkup, ask for antidepressants if you need them, to help you for the next few months.

It's not unheard of for people experiencing this to end up in the hospital, and find out that they're severely malnourished or having other stress-related ailments.

If you're having trouble eating, or no appetite, sip on protein shakes throughout the day, instead of water.

We know this is so, so hard. We know that you miss your LTGF and the child that's been in your life for years.

But please keep in mind that, even when advice you get here seems difficult or counter intuitive, we've been where you are, we want you to get through this with the best possible outcome, and we're offering you the gift of hindsight.

We know how badly this all hurts, but we promise that with time and distance, things WILL get better.

Keep reading. Keep posting. Talk to your doctor (also ask to get checked for STDs). Oh, and check out Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It might be difficult to get through right now, but hopefully reading it will help you to not blame yourself.

ShutterHappy posted 6/1/2019 23:40 PM

LateNght,

You WGF got mad at you, mean to you and blamed you because you destroyed her fantasy land. She had a great reliable BF at home who took care of her son, and the ďlove of her lifeĒ, a married man twice her age who will leave his mean wife one day...

Makes sense doesnít it? Not really. Waywards are not rational. Her father will always root for her daughter, he wonít care if she cheats and hurt you, heíll only care what happens to his daughter.

I was 27 when my WW cheated with some random guy at work. I had a good job, a bright future, a wife that I love, I just wanted all this to go away and go back to that life. Of course you want R, a lot of us react the same way, itís normal.

I know how you feel. We all know how you feel. This sucks. In fact it sucks so much that hundreds of posters here decided to help out with infidelity.

I donít think your WGF is a good candidate for R right now.

The best suggestion I have for you is to step away from this circus, go NC with your WGF and her surroundings monkeys for a few weeks. Focus on healing, surround yourself with friends and family. Post as often or little as you like,

I wish you the best!

LateNght posted 6/2/2019 01:28 AM

I've been drunk and lost in sad songs, R songs all night. I txtd her, she called, I said let's just txt. I didnt tell her I love her.

I told her I want to move on. But at the same time what has happened bc of what she did is killing me and I hate it.

She was apologetic but no more than when I first found out 2 months ago. Of course I can't believe her.

How do I ever believe that shes sorry when she says shes sorry?

I'm so lost in this entire fubared situation I dont even know which way is up. I haven't stopped crying all night. I dont even feel like a man anymore.

When she says she wishes she could go back and change her decisions I want to say then start now. But I dont know if that's the wrong thing to say or the right thing. Bc on the one hand the sooner she started putting in effort to R the better I would feel but me saying that would also be me escalating towards R and it needs to come from her naturally? But I think shes to scared to push it right now.

I just dont know what to do.

I can feel remorse, but at the same time I question its authenticity.

[This message edited by LateNght at 1:29 AM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

LateNght posted 6/2/2019 01:50 AM

Also, I guess I should add that she gave me the code to the burner phone 2 nights ago.

I asked her why she was so hell bent on getting it back if it was just the flirty sexual messages between her and OM and since the affair was already in the light of day what did it matter? It seemed suspicious.

Her answer was because it was the only HARD evidence for the affair. Nothing criminal (like conspiracy to off me or OBS) on the phone.

I said the only way to verify that is let me read it and I would need code.

And she gave it to me.

Tren0R201 posted 6/2/2019 04:28 AM

Christ mate do you have a job? A life?

Man, walk away from this car crash. You're a grown man, there's is nothing in this woman which suggests you can build a happy future with her.

She's broken but you most certainly are too. Is life alone so terrible that you'd rather put up with all this nonsense or even better finding someone else later down the road?

She has a child with another man, is he in the child's life? Why did they break up? Long term if this is the woman she is then this child will most certainly suffer as well. How long have you been supporting him could she come after you for child support?

Seriously, stop with all the drama. Ain't no human being made by god that is worth it to go through all this drama with. She doesn't repect you, at least as a man you can respect yourself and walk away.

Booyah posted 6/2/2019 04:37 AM

"I just don't know what to do"?

Yes you do. Seems to me you came here for a reason. You've been given advice from people who have been in the exact situation you find yourself in and how and what they did to get through it.

You can either take the advice or you can do things your way and make it worse. Listen everyone knows how tough this shit is and how overwhelming the flood of emotions can be. That said you need to man up and deal with this because like it or not it's not a dream and just going to go away because you wake up or decide to rug sweep this.

Getting drunk is NOT going to help you deal with this either. It just puts you in a state of mind where you make unwise decisions (like calling her). LAY OFF THE BOOZE OR ANY MIND NUMBING SUBSTANCES!!!

The1stWife posted 6/2/2019 04:54 AM

LateNight

I know exactly how you feel. I was in your shoes except married. With kids. Mortgage I cannot afford alone.

My H blamed me for his Affair. While he traveled all over the world for work and I was home with kids and keeping it running smoothly- and not complaining - he blamed me for his unhappiness. It was all my fault

At first I believed I was partially to blame. After a few months I realized he was looking for any excuse to cheat.

Please know your GF chose to cheat. If she didnít want to be in a relationship with you she could and should have ended it.

I had a rule when dating - if you dump me or cheat we are finished. Why? Lesson learned b/c I took back the first guy that cheated on me. Big mistake. I ended up dating a serial cheater and when someone was nice enough to tell me - I walked away.

Many of those losers come back begging for a Second chance. Why? I was nice and kind and loving. They dumped me, got their hearts broken and decided either I was going to help them get over the break up or maybe they realized what they lost. Did not matter I moved on.

Your GF has shown you what she is capable of - just remember she was more concerned about getting her phone back than she was in Being honest.

The only reason I am still with my H after his Affair was b/c I could see immediate changes from him. True remorse. Huge effort to change things. Not in denial. Not covering up anything. From the moment I found out - not weeks or months later but immediately the changes occurred.

We have reconciled and we are happy. But it took a complete mindset change from him. Heís no longer the guy he was during his Affair and he regrets every single thing he did and said during that time.

I hope you see the difference. Your GF needs to SHOW you she wants to R not just say it. You need to see it. Every single day. Forever. Not just a few months.

Because if she backslides - you will see her actions will revert back to the cheater she is now.

The1stWife posted 6/2/2019 05:03 AM

LateNight

Have you thought about professional counseling during this time / just for you?

It can help you tremendously. You will feel supported in real life.

Mine saved my sanity and probably prevented me from killing my CH.

Please consider it.

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