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BS's - Would you prefer to have been told about your spouse's A?

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sisoon posted 5/26/2019 09:45 AM

OBS deserves to know the truth. You wish someone had told you about your W's A. How can you not do what you wish others had done for you?

Yes, the knowledge will hurt, but it frees her to confront her H and perhaps R or to D and perhaps find someone she can count on, even if that person is only herself. Living alone is likely to be better than living a lie.

I'm 8+ years from d-day. I consider myself recovered and R'ed. I feel a lot of joy. I'm optimistic. I love life. But ... obs found out about the A 10 days before I did, and I'm still angry at him for not telling me. I just noticed that 'obs' can easily be switched to 'sob'....

My W's A was with a client to whom she owed confidentiality. She was in IC and could have told her IC about her A under the cover of confidentiality. I might never have known about her A.

Except ... W's IC told me that, if W had confessed to her, she would have insisted that my W also confess to me. If my W refused, her IC would have stopped working with her. Oh, yeah ... W's IC said she would have verified that my W actually confessed to me.

The truth hurts. Sometimes the truth is excruciating. But it hurs less than lies.

Tell OBS.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:47 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]

Beachwalker posted 5/26/2019 13:48 PM

CHAMOMILE: I discovered the affair with this particular man in September of 2017. One of the emails I read dated just a couple of months earlier was her attempting to restart that relationship, but it was clear he had no interest in doing so. However, I found on her phone a record of her emailing him in June of 2018. She had mistyped his name in the address bar and the computer, thinking it was a new contact, stored some very basic information about the name. I just saw the month, year, and subject of ďHi!Ē When I confronted her about this last week, she says she doesnít remember sending anything to him, would have no reason to do so, and hasnít contacted him since once after the discovery.

Nanatwo posted 5/26/2019 13:52 PM

Definitely tell the OBS. My H left me for the OW (we are reconciled - but that is another story). I don't know how things would have turned out if I learned of the A before he left - but at least I would have been spared months of lies while believing I had a loving faithful husband.

If only someone would have told me I could have taking some control of my life. It still bothers me five years later that they were making plans that impacted my life and no one told me.

deephurt posted 5/26/2019 14:32 PM

Definitely tell the obs. They have the right to know the truth about their own life. Even if itís from someone they donít k ow or barely know.

I wish I had known. I wish anyone would have told me but honestly I donít think anyone other than the two of them knew.

Fire your IC. That is the worst advise I have ever heard and if they knew anything about infidelity they would know that the was blown up with the a, not being exposed. Honestly some therapist should never be allowed to practice.

The truth is the only thing that can save their m. Otherwise itís based on lies and manipulation.

Babette2008 posted 5/26/2019 14:53 PM

Tell the OBS. My H only confessed that he had had an A because the OBS threatened to tell me. I found out later that the H of his first AP 8 years earlier had known about the A but hadn't told me. I also discovered that the IC my H was seeing after he confessed the most recent A told my H not to tell me about the earlier A because it was over and it wouldn't do any good - leaving me to discover it on my own a month later. Which was awful because she was a "friend".

Knowing about the As was hard, but they explained alot of the issues we had had. We would probably have gotten D if I hadn't been told because I was getting sick of an emotionally awol H. Now we might stay together.

ChamomileTea posted 5/26/2019 15:14 PM

In that case, I think the last contact attempt is still current enough that the OBS wouldn't think you were just looking for trouble. It's your call.

gmc94 posted 5/26/2019 16:28 PM

Any IC that thinks perpetrating a lie should be dumped IMHO.

Iíd want to know.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/26/2019 19:11 PM

If someone had known about my fch's cheating, I absolutely would've wanted to be told.

staystrong101 posted 5/26/2019 19:21 PM

Absolutely, Iíd want to know. One of the hardest things for me is knowing that others knew about the A, and not one person cared enough to tell me. They wanted to gossip behind my back instead. Please donít be a coward. Do the right thing. Your IC is wrong and obviously doesnít know about infidelity. The only right thing to do is to tell the OBS.

Jimmy1962 posted 5/26/2019 19:27 PM

I am a betrayed spouse and I did not find out until 20 years later. POSOMs wife knew but did not tell me. I wish that she had told me.

Emotionalhell posted 5/27/2019 17:54 PM

It was very difficult for me to tell the OBS. I know how much pain is causes and hate to see anyone suffer that kind of pain.
But I would want to be told if someone else knew about the A.
I would want to know if the person I committed to was being unfaithful. I would be angry if I found out others knew and didnít tell me.
It has been awhile since I informed OBS. Somedays I wonder if I should of not told but then I go back to if only someone had told me and I would want to know.
The OBS thanked me for telling him. Said he had suspected it for a long time but had no proof. I was told he had anxiety problems and have often wondered if it was caused by the gaslighting.
The BS has a right to know so they can make an informed decision about their life.

Tallgirl posted 5/28/2019 04:54 AM

My WH husbandís high school friend introduced him to the massage parlour that he went to 10 years ago. I havenít told his wife, it was so long ago, I donít know if I should either. I understand the dilemma.

Wool94 posted 5/28/2019 06:08 AM

I'm sorry you are here Beachwalker.

I'm not 100% sure I know your whole story, but according to another post you've made, you don't know your whole story either.

You can't begin to heal until everything is on the table.

Telling the OBS is a good start. I'll never understand why we struggle with doing the right thing.

Here's the other thing, she may have more information than you have. You might be able to put 2 + 2 together and get 4.

But as I said before, you tell because it's the right thing to do.

BetrayedPR77 posted 5/28/2019 06:08 AM

The truth hurts. [...] But it hurts less than lies.

This. A million times this.

Did it hurt when I found out? Yep. Is the most horrible pain? Oh yes. Did it took me to the worst place (emotionally) I've been in my life? Yes.

Would I've prefer to know this sooner? Definitely. Better than knowing that I went thru the worst moments of my life (until Dday) under a big lie. And better than knowing that every happy moment in the last 7 years is tainted and makes the scar in your heart a bigger one.

Please, if you haven't done so after reading every response on this thread thread, please, tell OBS. Don't allow another day to add to the lie. Everyday that goes by will be added to the false memories, and it will be worst for OBS mind health after she finally finds out.

Chaos posted 5/28/2019 14:19 PM

I'd give ANYTHING to have known and NOT had my children be the ones to discover/tell me.

I can also say - tell OBS immediately. I didn't [on a lot of bad advice] and it only went underground for 1.5 more years.

survrus posted 5/28/2019 17:27 PM


I wished someone in your position had told me and allowed my marriage to recover, or even in the case of divorce given that choice back to me.

The funny thing is that generally people who give advice have tons of sympathy for the cheaters, but very little for the betrayed spouses. Why is that?

DevastatedDee posted 5/28/2019 18:05 PM

I wish I had known. My WH tried to hook up with one of his friend's young adult daughter and at least one other guy friend found out about it. This means that the husband in the couple whom we spent the most social time with KNEW that my WH was a cheater and watched me be all lovey and affectionate with him. The wife didn't know...she called and told me as soon as she found out though it was after I left him.

The feeling of being made a fool of is a thousand times greater when you know that others knew before you did and you just kept on acting like you had a spouse who loved you. I imagine he pitied me, but he never told me. It is humiliating.

1girlsmom posted 5/28/2019 21:04 PM

Absofreakinlutely tell tne OBS.

swmnbc posted 5/28/2019 21:24 PM

Yes, I would have wanted to know. My marriage could never be what I signed up for while my husband was having or hiding an affair, and I deserve to make informed decisions about my body.

In your situation, I don't know what I would do. My husband's OW was single. I imagine I would want it communicated to her that if she didn't tell OBS, then we would, and that the information needed to include length of affair, lies told, PA details, etc. But I would give her a chance to do it because I wouldn't want to have to have any more interactions with either of them than necessary.

I think it's important that the WS takes the lead on this . . . on shining light on the darkness and apologizing to the OBS. After two years of R I don't think it should fall on the BS's shoulders.

Beachwalker posted 5/30/2019 18:17 PM

Thank you to everyone who posted here. It is obvious we have a solid majority consensus to tell the OBS. As I mentioned in my initial post, those a little closer to me are in agreement with you all. I have already found the OBSís contact information and am planning to make first contact with her via email, asking her to call me when she is in a secluded place and can talk for as long as we need.

Will keep you posted.

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