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How to talk about affair

layla1234 posted 5/25/2019 07:09 AM

We have a MC appt today, so I'm hoping she can help with this. I have so much anger when we discuss the affair (which isn't often) and it always ends in a sob fest. I'm digusted with other people's actions in regards to the affair and just have a negative view all around of people. Specifically, people my WH worked with at the time that knew or had suspicions of what was going on and did nothing. Apparently, OBS also had his suspicions but never reached out to me. I'm not the type to see something and not say anything. In fact, years ago on a cruise with friends one of the married men was kissing a stranger in a pool right in front of us. Without hesistation, I told his wife to look in the pool. It made for a very uncomfortable rest of the cruise, but I never for a second thought about not saying something. And this couple didn't even have kids. I can't imagine seeing a coworker parade around with his side piece, knowing his wife and kids and just say nothing.

Anyway, when we have these conversations it usually ends up with WH expressing some sort of wayward behavior and I feel like the blame is always restored on me again. Last night, I was trying to get information on what she knew at this point in the affair or was he lying to both of us? For example, a year ago ago he told me he liked this woman but that she didn't know how he felt (a lie because they both knew they liked each other and were going out for coffee and lunch and such-no sexting at this point). So I was asking him what he told her. If he told her "I told my wife that I liked you, but she doesn't know you like me or about our meetups". I never get a straight answer and it always seems hard for him to remember. To me, it's only hard to remember if you are lying. He also said something last night that stuck with me. I reinterated not understanding their relationship at all. He says his love language is physical touch, yet received no physical touch from her whatsoever. So why risk everything we built together for a few photos and dirty chats?? He said he risked it all because he wanted to be happy. To me, another jab at me. Why don't I get to be happy? Instead, I have to find a way to forgive (eventually) and compromise everything I believe in because I feel it's what will be best for my children. I hate hate hate infidelity. P.S. I still have an upset tummy which a year ago was my biggest tell when shady shit was happening. Sorry if this is a rambling mess. Signed, an emotional pregnant BS.

[This message edited by layla1234 at 7:49 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]

lostandbroken123 posted 5/25/2019 11:50 AM

I am sorry for your situation. I am new to the site and wanted to validate your post. Your WS is not being fair. They are being vague and ambiguous. Their comments feel arbitrary compared to the pain and distrust you are feeling. You are not to blame. All BS, like myself, play a role in the breakdown and we must remember that ... but we are not to blame.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/25/2019 13:17 PM

Oh, layla1234, I am so sorry your still having the upset tummy.

This shit is upsetting and emotional enough without being pregnant. I can not even imagine how you must be feeling with all those extra hormones racing through your body. I give you so much credit for even getting out of bed every day (kids will make us do that, huh) and not curling up in the fetal position and crying all day long. ((((((((layla1234)))))))))))

A few points I want to make.

He says his love language is physical touch, yet received no physical touch from her whatsoever.
Have you read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and taken the test? Many are surprised to learn that what they think their love language is...isn't. Both FWH and I were surprised to find out that our main love language wasn't what either of us had assumed for ourselves AND for each other. Maybe read this book together (if you haven't already) and take the test. This may give you both some real insight. A big clue to what your love languages are is what do you do to show love to your partner? You usually speak in YOUR love language and not your partners love language.

Okay, I want to say this gently as I don't want to upset you more in your delicate condition. (BtW, when are you due and congrats!) I get why others don't tell. They don't want to and don't think it is their place to get involved in someone else's "drama". I get it.

Before my d-day, I knew of a few cheating WS's. One was a good friend of mine. We were young (early 20's). We lived in a very small town. My SIL shared that her neighbor told her (my SIL) that she had hooked up with my friend's husband. I didn't tell my friend as I didn't really have first hand knowledge. But, my friend asked me if I had heard any rumors. I did tell my friend of the rumor I had heard. She confronted her WH and he confessed. And, he hated me. For awhile, anyway. He was actually my friend first. We were friends before he even met his wife.

The second affair I knew of, and didn't inform, was my WH's BFF was having an affair. We were couple friends. We hung out and went on double dates together. Before my FWH (he wasn't cheating...yet) told me about "Andy's" cheating with his boss's wife, he made me swear that I wouldn't say anything to anyone. He told me he wanted to confide in me but that I had to promise not to tell anyone anything he was going to tell me. Very unfair. But, I am one to keep my vows and promises. So, yeah, I didn't tell another friend that her husband was a WS. The boss did find out and told the BW.

Many knew of my FWH's LTA. Some of them helped and actively covered up my FWH's LTA. I have no time for those people. But, for those that may have just been aware, I don't hold anything against them. I understand how scary it can be to get involved in someone else's "business". It isn't like people haven't been killed over this shit. Yes, I would have appreciated them telling me. And, now that I have been through it, I will tell any BS anything I may know, and take the risk of getting involved in other's business. When you know better, you can do better.

I'm not the type to see something and not say anything.
I feel you are probably an exception, layla1234, and I am glad that you are you and were/are able to do that.

This is what worked for FWH and I. We set a day and time weekly to discuss the LTA. If I had any questions during the week, I would write them down and bring them up at our weekly "talk". We set aside just 30-60 minutes. We set it up as a minimum of 30 minutes but no longer than 60 minutes kind of deal. That way it wasn't so intimidating for FWH. The funny thing is, oftentimes I had no interest in the answer to the question(s) I had earlier in the week. Nine times out of ten, I didn't even ask the question that seemed so important to me earlier in the week. So many times the answer of "it doesn't matter" came to me. And, really, so many were dumb details that really didn't matter and I realized, for me, it was a form of "pain" shopping. This worked out really well for us. We had many productive conversations that actually didn't turn me into a crying pile of mess.

You are new to this, you are pregnant, you were betrayed. Of course you are going to be emotional. Be gentle with yourself, take any pressure off yourself for having to make any decisions about your marriage...you don't have to! There really is no timeline. Give yourself a break. This wasn't caused by you, you didn't ask for this shit, you are in the position you are in because of CHOICES others made for you, please don't blame yourself for maybe not handling this the way you, and others, may feel you should or need to be handling this whole situation. Just breathe.

I used to have repeat the mantra I had for myself (still do) quite often. Live in today, don't dwell in the past, don't worry about the future. I could choose to go down the rabbit hole, or I could focus on what was happening today. Not to say there weren't bad days. There were. I could only handle one day at a time, though. Anything else was too overwhelming for me.

All BS, like myself, play a role in the breakdown and we must remember that ... but we are not to blame.
I agree with you, lostandbroken123 to a degree. And, it is true that there was a breakdown, a disconnection in our particular marriage. However, there are many BS's who claim they had a happy marriage and in no way were there any marital issues. As you point out, we are not to blame even if there were marital issues. There is no MC (a good one, anyway) that will recommend to any couple that is having issues that going out and fucking someone else will solve a marital issue.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/25/2019 16:15 PM

T/J

SMS, I would like to send you a PM, but you are at your limit.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/25/2019 19:40 PM

Fixed it, coco.

Beachwalker posted 5/25/2019 22:29 PM

LAYLA: I found something that helped my wife and me get through all the questions I had (at least at that particular time). Kevin Jackson in his e-book “So, Your Wife Cheated On You” suggested something called the “Fishbowl Method”. Write down all your questions on a sheet of paper then tear the paper into strips, one question on each strip. (I typed mine on Word and used the paper cutter, but you don’t have to be that neat.)
Fold each strip up and place it in a fish bowl, or any bowl will do. We set a timer for 20 minutes, but don’t start it, yet. He takes one question out of the bowl and reads it either aloud or to himself. He can decide to answer it now or later. If he chooses later, he folds it back up, puts it back into the bowl, and chooses another. He must remember, though, the question must eventually be answered.

When he finds a question he is willing to answer, you start the timer. You wait on his answer and both can talk about it until YOU are satisfied. He then chooses another question with the same option of answering now or later. When the timer expires, you finish the discussion about the question then call it a night. We scheduled our “Fishbowl Night” to be every Tuesday at a certain time. Eventually, she became comfortable with the conversation and we extended the time to 30 minutes.

One advantage this gives your conversation is that you both know when and where it will take place, what it will be about, that there is a time limit, and eventually all the questions will be answered. This takes a lot of pressure off both of you and you can go about other business the rest of the time. He, especially, because he will know you won’t bring up any questions until Fishbowl Night, so he can relax.

Some rules, though. Eventually, all questions MUST be answered. You both talk about the question and answer at hand until YOU are satisfied. You may revisit any question or answer at any time, and you may add or remove questions from the bowl at any time.

I found that as my WW and I discussed each question, I was able to remove other questions that were related because she genuinely opened up to me. This is just a suggestion that worked for us. Use it or not, it’s totally up to you. Only you know your situation, and your husband may decline. Either way, know that here you are not alone!

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