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What do you do when there is no light at the end of the tunnel?

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stamp posted 5/25/2019 03:18 AM

We tried to work things out for 4.5 months after d-day.
It's been 1.5-2 months since things ended completely.

Trigger warning.

I'm not ok. I'm not functioning. And I'm losing the will to keep fighting.

Before meeting B, I had already fought so hard. People always showed me I had no value compared to anyone else. An ex who would call me fat and list all the ways I wasn't as great as his ex. Another ex who, for my birthday (after listing his big plans), we had a frozen pizza I half paid for.
His reason: he had spent so much time and money on his friends birthday the week before, he couldn't be bothered.

There was so many examples of this. But I fought it. I spent years building up my confidence and self esteem. I became a positive, upbeat person. From nothing I taught myself a new industry and built a successful career. I was the best version of me.

But very early on B started destroying my self esteem and making me feel crazy. So very early on, he was able to get away with everything.

My mental health got so bad because of him I lost my job over a year ago. My money is almost gone now.
I stopped seeing the beauty in the world and started seeing the pain.

He spent our whole relationship reinforcing what all those other people had tried to tell me. Everyone has value but me.
B took everything from me and gave it to other women. He built them up, he was proud of them, and he got sadistic pleasure from keeping me house bound and teaching me I was garbage.

Even after the event, even when he was posting here (at my request), it turns out he was still cheating. Still going out all the time, and having people join in on the fun of lying to me and messing with my head.

The mind movies are getting worse. Once a week he would kick me out of our flat because he "needed space", then would call me back over around 8 or 9 because he had been "too depressed to eat". So I would go back over, make him food, and hold him in the place he had just slept with someone else. I would comment on his smell and he would tell me it was a gross day at work.

While he was out partying, dancing, and hooking up, I was wide awake worried sick about him because he is an alcoholic who gets himself into dangerous positions.

He threw a halloween party in our flat and sent me away for the weekend because "it wouldn't be fun if you were here".

From our time together, he has so many fun memories from holidays and trips and other women. Where I have only pain. My memories are crying alone on NYEs. Wondering why I wasn't good enough to have fun too. Wishing I could wear a dress like all his female friends he excitedly went out with.

I'm trying to do everything right. But I have no will to fight any more. My money is nearly gone. I can't afford therapy. There is no way I am stable enough to work and even if I was, I don't have the strength to spend years rebuilding a career.

I want someone to make me a cake on my birthday. I want to be worth spending NYE with. I want to wear a nice dress and go out. And after defying those negative people and being the best I could, I fell in love with someone who reinforced it all. Who showed me everyone but me is worth those things.

I don't really want to face a future this dark and lonely. I don't know how to find the strength to rebuild and I'm not sure I want to try. I spend most my days on the floor, rocking back and forth sobbing. I'm supposed to fight through this for a future where I'll never stop being reminded that I'm not deserving of birthdays or NYEs.

Why does he get to go on like nothing happened after destroying everything I had?

Atg100 posted 5/25/2019 03:45 AM

You are worth the birthday cake, the NYE party and so much more.
Donít make your happiness dependent on those negative people.
Sending you strength !!!

pearlamici posted 5/25/2019 04:50 AM

Hi Stamp - I've read through a few of your threads. Have you completely cut him out of your life? I hope you have because he sounds like a selfish idiot. Let's back up ... you said

I fell in love with someone who reinforced it all. Who showed me everyone but me is worth those things.
You need to fall in love with YOU, love yourself - don't let anyone treat you like that! When someone treats you poorly - imagine yourself as a third person - better yet imagine yourself as your own child - get angry - if someone treated your child this way you would never go near them - When the mind movies play - stop asking yourself why he did this - put the blame completely on him and put yourself up on a pedestal - you being the kind, loving soul who gave someone a chance to be in your life - he blew it and proved he is not worthy of you. Now you move on. There are many kind people in this world, stop wasting your thoughts and time on someone who is not. Get up off that floor and TREAT YOUR SELF the way you want to be treated.

The1stWife posted 5/25/2019 05:16 AM

You keep trying to make a life with a sadistic alcoholic who abuses you.

It will only end when you stop allowing him to mistreat you. Unfortunately that is the sad part of the answer.

Get yourself professional help - no matter what!! You need to realize how he has abused you by cutting you off from reality.

Get yourself a plan to get out. Get a job. Any job. It will give you time away from him and give you some $.

You are a prize. Unfortunately you met up with the wrong guy and instead of seeing the reality of his awful behavior you got sucked into trying to make it work.

Babette2008 posted 5/25/2019 05:26 AM

Hi Stamp,

You sound like a lovely, caring person who has alot to give. The only life you get to live is yours. If the future seems too overwhelming take it one day, one week and one month at a time. I know money is tight but one strategy for happiness is to plan something for the reasonable future that you can look forward to. For example I like to travel, and I have found that youth hostels are often located in city centers that would otherwise be unaffordable and there are always people to talk to if I am alone. (I'm in my 50s now so you don't have to worry that they are only for really young travelers). There may be free or low cost classes that are interesting. Volunteering is a great way to meet people and get job contacts.

Do you really want to be B? He sounds like a selfish, empty person. He doesn't "get to be happy" while you are miserable. You are choosing to be miserable by wanting someone to give you something that they have proven to you over and over again that they can't give you. The karma bus will hit him eventually.

stamp posted 5/25/2019 05:35 AM

I am away from him, well away (different country away) and would never ever want him back in my life. The man is incapable of change and gets off on physically and emotionally hurting others. No good comes to anyone who has him in their life.
STD tests dealt with (with ongoing health issues as a result, because of course the reminders can never stop).

All the things I'm supposed to do, I've done. Yet every day things feel a tiny bit darker.

I did everything right before him. I don't jump between relationships. I've been single most my life, only dating when I'm in a really good place

I really do try to do everything right. I try to be aware of how I talk to myself, I try to remember the way he and others treated me is not a reflection of my worth, but of their own issues.

But I don't believe it any more. There is no strength left to get myself off the floor most the time let alone work through what has happened. It's a sense of hopelessness I've never faced before. I miss who I used to be, she could have handled this just fine.
But all those traits that made me strong and successful and happy, he destroyed one by one.

I'm at the point where I'm completely overwhelmed at everything I have to accomplish to get back on my feet just to live a life that will always remind me I can't matter. I've tried to hurt myself twice now, but I kept fighting.

I swear I never used to be this much of a mess. I was very much chin up and push on type.

[This message edited by stamp at 5:53 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]

stamp posted 5/25/2019 05:42 AM

Babette, I'm doing just that :). The place I'm renting isn't available until the end of the month, so I've been living in hostels for 3 weeks now (being homeless is not helping my mental health).

I decided to take advantage and do a long distance trail in Ireland. I always loved travel and doing weird adventures, like grabbing my bag and walking for 100 miles.
I'm forcing myself to do it, but I'm getting no joy from it :(. No matter how hard I try.
I'm finding the only reason I'm pushing on is so my parents think I'm getting old me back and can worry less.

I thought it would be a good reminder of how strong I am. To remember what my body is capable of. To remind myself I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.

Every step is a chore, I spend a lot of the time in tears, I can see the beauty around me but I feel nothing. I'm more focused on fighting the urge to hurt myself then on what I'm doing.
Adventure used to be my cure-all.

Tallgirl posted 5/25/2019 05:43 AM

((((Stamp)))j
I think you need to do a few things for yourself.

- First, Know that you are worth More that your WH in all ways.
- Get outside a go for a nice long walk.
- Hug a tree, it is a real thing.
- If you go to the grocery store or anywhere - dress up, put on your fancy favourites and sashay your way around
- soak in your tub with something nice smelling
- I personally love watching YouTube snippets of GRAHAM NORTON he totally makes me laugh. Do something that makes you laugh
- smile at a stranger and make their day - they could smile back and make yours
- there are a ton of decent podcasts free online. Check them out.


You are worth more. Remember that always. Your WH has abused you - IMHO he is a terrible selfish man who does not deserve you. ((((Stamp)))).

Please get tested for STDs asap. Try to sleep and simply be kind to yourself.


nekonamida posted 5/25/2019 06:09 AM

Stamp, have you seen an IC? You could really benefit from one so that your next relationship isn't just as bad.

Lionne posted 5/25/2019 06:23 AM

I'm finding the only reason I'm pushing on is so my parents think I'm getting old me back and can worry less.

I thought it would be a good reminder of how strong I am. To remember what my body is capable of. To remind myself I can accomplish anything I set my mind to.


THIS^^^^^ Key. Fake it till you make it. One day, minute, second at a time. You can do this!

crazyblindsided posted 5/25/2019 10:49 AM

(((stamp))) Are you seeing an IC? Your D-Day wasn't that long ago and even though it has ended you are still processing the trauma. It feels never ending but it won't always feel this way.

Fall in love with yourself. It was the painful lesson I had to learn from all of this. I always emotionally depended on my WS and he abused that. Now I know the only person I can count on and depend on is myself and that includes my own happiness.

You will get there. I suggest talking with a therapist too. Without that I don't know where I would be.

JulieMarie posted 5/25/2019 10:51 AM

I can feel the pain in your post. I have been in that dark place when it seems the universe has no compassion and your soul is starved for intimacy or just a little kindness. One time I was so starved for kindness, in the whataburger drive-thru the lady handing me my food, was so sweet to me and I realized how much I just needed somebody to be kind to me, her kindness and that realization had me in tears driving home. I believe the universe is sending you obstacles, obstacles that you need to overcome for your soul to evolve. The same men keep coming at you right? Different face, same outcome. Girl the universe is screaming at you. You need to love yourself, really truly love and take care of you. You are a divine being and you are starving your spirit by trying to get fulfillment from outside sources when that is ONLY meant to be the icing on the cake. Loving yourself, self-care, healing. What in your past do you need to heal from? Every single man who hurt you has left holes in your soul that you need to heal from. Forgive yourself, forgive them, let go and take what the universe is so adamant on teaching you and learn, heal and evolve. Its then and only then youíll see the light at the end of the tunnel. Itís your light that is lost in the darkness.

There are many books (Gary Zukav is amazing!), therapy (SI helps if $ is an issue), try meditation, try yoga, look up emotional intelligence (yes itís a thing), affirmations sound silly but they help a little, of course bubble baths and mani/pediís but thatís superficial. You gotta dig deep, look at things in your past that are down right scary as shit and heal from all that first and foremost. Itís not a one and done thing. This healing process is a lifelong journey.

northeasternarea posted 5/25/2019 11:00 AM

Music - Stand by Donnie McClurkin was one of my go to songs.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 1:21 PM, May 25th (Saturday)]

HeHadADoubleLife posted 5/25/2019 13:48 PM

Search for "If Life is a Game, These Are the Rules" by Cherie Carter Scott.

If you search it and check images, you'll find a ton of infographics with The Rules for Being Human. There are a bunch of different versions, but find one that speaks to you, print it out and post them up to remind yourself.

I'll type them here for everyone to read because they're just that good.

1. You Will Receive A Body
You may love it or hate it, but it will be yours for the duration of your life on Earth, so accept it.

2. You Will Learn Lessons
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "Life." Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum.

3. There Are No Mistakes, Only Lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error, of experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."

4. A Lesson is Repeated Until Learned
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning Does Not End.
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6. "THERE" is No Better Than "HERE."
When your "there" becomes a "here," you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here."

7. Others Are Merely Mirrors Of You
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself. Each reflection is an opportunity for growth.

8. What You Make Of Your Life Is Up To You
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your Answers Lie Inside Of You.
The answers to Life's questions lie inside of you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

10. You Will Forget All Of This At Birth
You can remember it whenever you want.

Stamp, I know it sounds like some zen, yoda bullshit, but NO ONE can MAKE you feel any certain way, you feel that way because that is the reaction you chose. That's not to say that your gut reaction of feeling battered and broken was a conscious choice, it wasn't. Our gut reactions tell us a lot about each of our individual personalities, and especially our learned coping mechanisms due to past trauma. But after that initial gut punch, you have a choice of how to handle each and every situation you find yourself in.

But remember, he is only a mirror. Why do YOU feel that you are not good or worthy enough? There is something nagging at you from within, telling you that you're not worthy, that you're not good enough, that you don't deserve the happy celebrations on New Year's Eve and birthdays. Tell that voice to go fuck itself! Nobody is fucking perfect, we all have flaws, that's what makes us fucking human. But if you take the time to write down a list of all of the reasons you suck, and all of the reasons you are awesome, I'd bet you that the Awesome list is wayyyyyy longer!

You up and went to Ireland! That's a Bad Ass Mother Fucker (BAMF) move right there! You made that choice. YOU! Even if you're only doing it so your family doesn't worry about you, fuck it, you're still doing it!

And I will also leave you with some Lizzo lyrics, because DAMN did I need to hear them.

These are all from Truth Hurts. I cut and pasted the parts that I felt were most relevant for you, so I don't end up pasting the whole song. But seriously, YouTube that shit and make yourself feel better! Also, her song Good as Hell is a MF anthem.

"I just took a DNA test, turns out I'm 100% THAT bitch
Even when I'm crying crazy
Yeah, I got boy problems, that's the human in me
Bling bling, then I solve 'em, that's the goddess in me"

"You're s'posed to hold me down, but you're holding me back
And that's the sound of me not calling you back"

"Why men great 'til they gotta be great?
Don't text me, tell it straight to my face"

"You tried to break my heart?
Oh, that breaks my heart
That you thought you ever had it
No, you ain't from the start
Hey, I'm glad you're back with your bitch
I mean who would wanna hide this?
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be your side chick"

"I'ma hit you back in a minute
I don't play tag, bitch, I been it
We don't fuck with lies, we don't do goodbyes
We just keep it pushing like aye yi yi"

and yes, pearlamici's advice is spot on!

better yet imagine yourself as your own child - get angry - if someone treated your child this way you would never go near them
If you were your own child, or even your best friend, you would tell them to turn their ass around, walk away and never come back.

Life is too damn short to put up with lying assholes.

sisoon posted 5/26/2019 11:15 AM

And the light at the end of the tunnel is dumping your abuser and not taking up with another....

(((stamp)))

josiep posted 5/26/2019 11:54 AM

While he was out partying, dancing, and hooking up, I was wide awake worried sick about him because he is an alcoholic who gets himself into dangerous positions.

IMHO, the best thing you can do for yourself if start going to AlAnon, reading AlAnon, living AlAnon. There are meetings pretty much everywhere, they're even online. There are lots of reading materials online, on the AlAnon website and so on. They have Podcasts and on their website, you can listen to audios of meetings.

I encourage you to go.

Tonight.

Hang in there. This feeling will pass but let it be the thing that makes you take that first step forward into your new and improved life.

Babette2008 posted 5/26/2019 17:30 PM

Hang in there Stamp. It is hard to have perspective when you are young and in the middle of a bad situation. 28 is early to start a career. You have lots of time and many good years ahead of you. There is a light. You had the strength to end a crappy relationship and you have the strength to"fake it till you make it" enjoy Ireland as best you can. Talk to people. Even positive interactions with strangers can do alot for your happiness.

((Hugs))

josiep posted 5/27/2019 08:33 AM

Why does he get to go on like nothing happened after destroying everything I had?

Because he wants to.

What do you want?

BTW, there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just haven't gone far enough into it yet. Keep going, you'll get there. We're all living proof of that. Hang out with us and you'll see.

marji posted 5/27/2019 20:06 PM

Talk to people. Even positive interactions with strangers can do a lot for your happiness

This is brilliant. You are already talking to people --all of us here. Chat with fellow travelers and trail walkers.

Do you have any old friends you have spoken or texted in a long time? Anyone you would feel comfortable getting in touch with again?

The light at the end of the tunnel is there--you don't see it yet but it's there. And we're all here too. Chat as much and as often as you want to. And yes, chat with RL folks too.

nomistakeaboutit posted 5/27/2019 21:10 PM

You have gotten some awesome advice here. You do sound severely depressed. Look into medications that can help. You can lose them later, if you choose to, but for now you probably need a little chemical help.

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