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AlphaSilvr posted 5/21/2019 11:28 AM

My ex told me yesterday while we were discussing out kid's day care situation that she is happy that I found someone and am happy. She even prefaced it with "this may not be appropriate".

It really irked me that someone that lied, cheated and accused me of horrific things can just back and say she is happy for me like she is this saint for doing what she did.

Am I being oversensitive?

IrishGirlVA posted 5/21/2019 12:01 PM

It would have irked me, too. I got a similar comment like this once and I felt it was condescending. But at the time I received it, I was still feeling pretty raw about what went down.

devotedman posted 5/21/2019 12:17 PM

Next time say,

Let's keep this talk on topic.

Eta no, you're not being oversensitive.

[This message edited by devotedman at 2:23 PM, May 21st, 2019 (Tuesday)]

BobPar posted 5/21/2019 12:59 PM

Just a thought...
By saying that she feels that her opinion should matter to you... I suspect that her stating her thoughts about your life may irk you more than anything. It can be a subtle form of controlling the situation, her believing your life circumstance needs/meets her approval.

[This message edited by BobPar at 1:02 PM, May 21st, 2019 (Tuesday)]

HalfTime2017 posted 5/21/2019 13:19 PM

My ex said this to me and also told my friends after DDay, and we were just starting out Divorce process that she hopes that I find someone who truly loves me. That I find happiness.... Insinuating that she already has thru her affair? LOL.

Like, just go away lady.

MamaDragon posted 5/21/2019 13:52 PM

lol I'd have to respond to that remark with "well anyone is better than who I was with"

But I like stirring the pot a bit.

Chili posted 5/21/2019 14:55 PM

Not oversensitive at all.

Smacks of two things for me. Take this with a big dose of Chili being a little salty today:

1. Entitlement. Entitled to give an unsolicited opinion. Entitled to think her opinion matters at all any longer to you. Entitled to think she could be a judge of what "happiness" actually looks like. Again, especially for you.


2. Martyrdom. See - since I had an affair he was able to move forward and be happy. It's because of me that he found someone else. And really, what I did wasn't so bad because it all worked out in the end. And she's just so happy that you're happy?


She should have run it through her own "this might not be appropriate" filter first. Then kept her mouth shut.

Phoenix1 posted 5/21/2019 16:02 PM

Nah, not oversensitive.

I didn't get that exact statement (Xhole doesn't know about SO), but I got some similar ones about other things. I always quipped (with a happy tone) right back something along the lines of, "Well, fortunately for me I'm the only one that needs to be happy/pleased about XXX so no one else's opinion matters." Followed with a big smile. In other words, it completely deflated his ego and served to let him know that his opinion was totally irrelevant to me. Some of the few times I've actually made him at a loss for words.

AlphaSilvr posted 5/21/2019 19:53 PM

lol Thanks, everyone. My friends said I need to let it go (in a friendly way, not an uncaring way as it may seem) and just not worry about her opinion. I agree but it still irked me right off the bat.

I didn't respond to it (No Contact outside of necessary matters). I keep remembering the meme "Arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how well you play, they crap all over the board and strut around like they won anyway" whenever I get the stray commentary on my life. She once even thanked me for getting DS his medicines (which she neglected to do herself) as if I was doing her some huge favor.

Thanks everyone, again. I still get these moments where I feel I am overthinking or overreacting, its nice to know we all have the same feelings. :)

lizgwvet posted 5/22/2019 08:59 AM

Totally understand, was triggered when ex told me " great about Grandson and how well he was doing in college football"
Also added " hope you are doing well"
Ex has never been to a Football Game of his Grandson even though it is just 20 mikes away.

Cheatee posted 5/22/2019 09:51 AM

Also consider that an ex will say this stuff to convince themselves the damage they did is not too horrible.

They're just looking for evidence that they're not horrible POSs.

Adaira posted 5/22/2019 11:25 AM

You’re not being over sensitive. I got several similar comments. “I’m glad to see you’re dating again!” “I’m glad you’re doing so well!” They irk because they have literally nothing to do with him being genuinely happy for me or taking any concern with my life - they are all self-serving crap. He wants to be friendly because it’s all part of the image management. “Look at us - we all get along! I’m such a great guy even my ex loves me!” Barf.

nscale56 posted 5/22/2019 12:04 PM

There was a scene in the 1989 movie Batman where Jack Nicholson (before he became the joker) was checking himself out in the mirror. His girlfriend comes up behind and says "you look fine". He turns and says "I didn't ask", then looks at her hand on his shoulder as if to say don't touch. Look it up on youtube.

Perfect response. "I am happy for you" "I didn't ask".

AbandonedGuy posted 5/22/2019 20:35 PM

Two days after DDay and while WAITING, impatiently, for her to "figure things out" (what a joke), I ran into my cheating now ex at the park. She acted like we were old acquaintances. Patronizing. I didn't know what to say, so I told her about wanting to buy a bicycle to ride around. She gave me this "good for you" look and comment like she was legit happy for me.

You want my read on it? She wanted to see any sign that I was moving on, even two days out, so she wouldn't have to feel bad about what she did. She can pretend like what she did was "for the best" because see, I'm doing okay, she *isn't* a piece of shit.

So what I think is some of these cheaters are hoping and praying for the moment we get our lives back on track so they can stop feeling guilt. Because that's how processing guilt works to them.

Adaira posted 5/23/2019 14:31 PM

You want my read on it? She wanted to see any sign that I was moving on, even two days out, so she wouldn't have to feel bad about what she did.

Less than 24 hours after the decision to divorce had been made, my ex was full on pursuing his AP and told me, rather coldly “I’ve moved on. You should too.”

I realize the cheating should have been enough to make me realize that he placed literally zero value or importance in our 13 years of marriage, but that conversation REALLY drove it home.

I had a deeper attachment to my first car than that man ever had to me.

MakingMyFuture posted 5/23/2019 22:48 PM

By the time I divorced, it was for more than just Infodelity, toss in some drunk driving, steroids, emotional and financial abuse and a Shit pile of disrespect masquerading under a thin veil of politeness. Fast forward about two years post divorce when X reconnected with his original side piece (my friend) and he wanted me to know they were together and in love (I saw the bondage choke collars in my original discovery and a lot of other disordered shit with other

He went on to let me know that he hopes I find someone who can make me happy some day. I wrote back and explained that I am happy, and that I’m not so empty/void inside that I need someone else to make me feel better about myself.

Since then, He has slowly been covering himself in tattoos just like her. Using the same “single white female” copying of others he has always done. It used to make me laugh/snicker. Now I look and I just feel pity for someone who is so blank and has no self identity.

AlphaSilvr posted 5/24/2019 10:34 AM

I really can't say thank you enough to this forum and everyone.
I've calmed down and "Not my Circus, not my monkeys" has become a common phrase to repeat.

She is definitely the type to play the victim (I fell for that one hook, line, and sinker) and believes she can do no wrong. She is very likely trying to just make sure that what she has done is for the best. In the end, for me, yeah it was... doesn't mean she gets to feel good about it, though. :(

deena04 posted 5/24/2019 18:37 PM

This sounds to me like it bothers her that you found someone, but she does not want you to know that. It almost sounds like she is fishing to see how serious you are or to see if there is any hope for her… Just a thought.

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