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Think I'm in false Reconciliation

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ChocolateThief posted 5/20/2019 15:22 PM

Well...i posted last week about how i thought we were doing ok before a big argument...but now I'm not sure anymore. I have a bit of a gut feeling he is sleeping about again. Not sure if its the original AP or someone else.

Basically he hasn't moved home yet and I am starting to feel as if R for him is him testing if he actually wants to even stay with me. I don't feel any commitment from him. HE is still staying at his dads, even though he is staying at home more often than before.

I started a big argument last weekend which has completely thrown us off track. On the Saturday he said he was going into town to get a new jacket. I had a bit of a hunch that he might not have been doing just that, and turns out I was right. 3 hours later i message him asking when he'll be home and he tells me he popped round to his dads to stick a load of washing on. And then went to the pub whilst it was on. Now that is normal for him to spend so long in the pub, what annoyed me was the lie of omission, I had to ask him where he was.

He came back a few hours later and we actually had a good night, until we went to bed and he wouldn't let me touch him. I felt he had pushed me away, he says he didn't, but that's what it felt like. IT triggered me and we got into a big argument.

Anyway, on Sunday (last night) night he went out and didn't text me when he got back to his dads. I confronted him and he told me he went to someone else house instead. alarm bells started majorly ringing here for me. He didn't tell me and conveniently went round to someone else house? He has also turned "last active" feature off on messenger as well last night.

I'm worried these two nights occasions he has been with someone else. What can I do to catch him out? I've asked him and he said he hasn't been with anyone (obviously - he lied so hard to save his affair last time) Obviously he has learned to delete messages off his phone now and my worry is he is going to be harder to catch out now. What can I do?

I'm half wondering if I should reach out to the old AP to ask - although fully aware she would probably lie, but I know he has lied to her about a lot too. Never spoken to her before and kind of wanted to put myself above her a bit as well, but now i'm not sure!

[This message edited by ChocolateThief at 3:25 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/20/2019 15:43 PM

180

Quit caring about where he is and what he's doing. You can't control him. He will either do the right thing, or he won't. If he doesn't, good riddance.

ChocolateThief posted 5/20/2019 16:20 PM

Oh how I wish i could do that! I thought I had done well before with my previous 180, but he came back too soon and I gave in too soon. I didn't really work it out in my head properly. I've been too worried about losing him and the life we had together. Now i can see our life together has been based on lies.

I'm going back to re-read about it and really try and put it in place. My problem is i really struggle to stop my impulse to reach out, I am really bad at stopping myself from doing it. Its probably what he wants too...playing right into his hands :(

pureheartkit posted 5/20/2019 17:57 PM

It's just an illusion of control anyway. If you track him and call and check up on him you can't control anything he does or doesn't do. Spending all your time wondering is a stressful way to live.

WanttToBeHappy posted 5/20/2019 18:45 PM

Part of me even considering a R is for a tracker to be on his phone. Life 360.
Just a thought.
Yah....I know we are all suppose to be in IC to fix ourselves to even consider R, but it's hard when you are married and want to stay married, but not want to be screwed over so you are on edge watching for signs to run.
My opinion, trust your gut and don't settle for a life you don't deserve. if he wants to be a little boy, let her have him. You don't want a lifetime of this. He'll screw her over too. Thats the MO and some will never grow up.
Psych told me....infidelity is that your marriage had a heart attack. That requires professional, medical intervention. You can't fix it on your own.
Sending hugs.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/20/2019 19:17 PM

.

I've been too worried about losing him and the life we had together

Gently, sadly, you've already lost all of that, if you ever had it. What kind of life did you really have if it was all lies. You deserve better. You don't need to settle for shit.

IC would probably be very helpful for you to build up your self esteem. It's healthy to love someone. It's unhealthy to be afraid to live without them.

What, exactly, are you afraid of?

StillLivin posted 5/21/2019 00:06 AM

Put a VAR and GPS in his car. That should give you your answer after a few nights or weeks.

The1stWife posted 5/21/2019 04:26 AM

You donít need evidence or proof because his actions are broadcasting ďheís not in reconciliationĒ to you.

You need to stop caring about HIM and making him the priority. Instead you need to put YOU as the priority.

You are correct that you are in false reconciliation.

My suggestion is to stop allowing him in your home. Stop trying to have a discussion with him because you know he will only lie to you. Stop wasting your energy on a liar and cheater.

I hope you will consider getting professional help to support you during this time. I can tell you as someone who lived through false reconciliation that my therapist saved my sanity and provided support when I needed it.

Bagelgirl26 posted 5/21/2019 08:30 AM

I havenít posted here before, just been reading but I wanted to tell you what happened to me.

I too was afraid of losing my STBXH and jumped at letting him come back after his first affair. He was having an affair with a coworker. They both got fired. We never did IC and had one marriage counseling session. I pretty much rug swept the affair because I felt if I brought it up, he would think the marriage
couldnít be saved because I was going to constantly bring up the past and hold grudges. BIG MISTAKE!

Ten years later, he has another affair with a different coworker in his current job. Mind you all these years I had been secretly checking his phone, email accounts, and his tablet. He had sworn the first time he would never hurt me again or abandon our daughter. Well, it happened again. You canít control what they do and who they are. I have been separated from him since last July and am planning on divorcing him once the one year separation period is complete (per my state law).

I have realized he has shown me who he really is...a lying, cheating, manipulative man-child with a narcissistic personality disorder. No amount of spying, tracking etc will stop him. He doesnít see he has a problem and believes itís my fault he feels empty inside. Oh, his mistress apparently has now left him. The one he gave up his 21 year marriage, our daughter, and our home for. I pity him for his destructive life choices. Imagine giving up everything for a woman he only knew for barely 3 months.

So donít make the same mistakes I did. Donít let him stay at your house and donít call and text checking up on him. Act like you donít need him or else he will continue disrespecting you.

The1stWife posted 5/21/2019 08:43 AM

Great post Bagelgirl.

I was lucky when I finally stopped being a doormat that my was interested in staying married and has changed. He no longer gives me any reason to not trust him.

Lp0725 posted 5/21/2019 12:11 PM

I think he's still cheating. It doesn't seem you've really put your foot down and drawn your boundaries. YOU are the prize. Start acting like it. He should be kissing your ass right now and trying hard to prove himself trustworthy, but instead it's just more of the same old same old. You need to figure out what your requirements are for R and then stick to them. Be willing to divorce him if he doesn't do what you ask. HE is the one destroying your family, not you! It's on him to do the work to fix this, not you, and it's obvious he doesn't really give a crap. It sounds like it's you who really wants to R, not him. He's a cake eater. I honestly think you should just file for divorce and tell him you're done. Let him be the one fighting for you, not the other way around. Be willing to lose him, because it seems like he's sure willing to lose you. Make him prove he's worthy of you! You deserve so much more.

StillLivin posted 5/21/2019 22:00 PM

After going back and reading some of your story, my advice changes. File for D. Fuck all the background noise...as in all the doubt HE is creating, walk away. If he were truly ready to commit, he would be moving heaven and earth to make sure you never doubted him again. You do t need new evidence, he already cheated. It won't get better unless he's willing to really work on himself, and he isn't. Life is too short to waste even a second being with a miserable cheating POS.

seekers posted 5/21/2019 22:00 PM

Donít let him stay at your house and donít call and text checking up on him. Act like you donít need him or else he will continue disrespecting you.

This gold nugget of truth says it all, please consider giving it a try.

ChocolateThief posted 5/21/2019 23:32 PM

You donít need evidence or proof because his actions are broadcasting ďheís not in reconciliationĒ to you

I think I need to listen to myself really don't I? He is away with work this week too and has been mentioning a girl who he declares is "just a friend" but as I am aware from Shirley glass, if you are needing to say that it's usually a lie. He is with a big group of people but he clearly sat next to her for dinner last night and they were drinking together, it was only those two and one other guy left at the end of the night at the bar. He is putting himself back in affair breeding ground territory despite that being one of my conditions of R.

There are just too many thing to me that aren't adding up. It could be perfectly innocent but I hate what this has turned me into. I used to trust him, knew he wouldn't hurt me, but that's not gone and I'm not constantly living in fear he is going to hurt me again. I can't live a life living in doubt anymore. This isn't a life. As you have all said he should be moving heaven and earth to make sure there is never any doubt. He just doesn't think of he consequences of his actions ever and how they will ever make anyone feel.

I am honestly writing this in tears because it has really hit me hard that he really couldn't care less if he loses me. How is this the man I married?! I just don't understand how I didn't see how selfish and uncaring he really was. He has had me fooled for nearly a decade

StillLivin posted 5/22/2019 03:04 AM

It's ok to cry. It's healing. Cry. I was still in love with my X when I filed. I was exactly where you are right now. Most of us, pretty much all of us have been right where you are. So, please believe me and the rest of us, you will get past this and you will thrive again. But it's going to take time.
Even though I still loved my X, and I didn't know how I would ever not be in pain again, I loved myself more. It boils down to that. When you love yourself, you won't accept mistreatment from others no matter how you feel about them.
Be gentle with yourself for the next several weeks. It will take time, but then the heartbreak will slowly start to get better.

The1stWife posted 5/22/2019 04:00 AM

Unfortunately people change. And not always for the best.

Iím going to assume he wasnít always this way - Cheating, lying and disrespecting you and your marriage.

My H wasnít. Except during his Affair. He became someone I didnít even recognize at times. He started acting like a teenager with a new crush during his Affair. Like he was soooo cool in the popular middle school club

Think of his Affair and continued flirtations like an addiction. He knows it is wrong but does it anyway. He craves the attention. It is thrilling. He doesnít care it is wrong or disrespectful. He may believe if heís not having sex itís nit cheating. Wrong wrong wrong!!! It is cheating.

Iím sorry he continued to choose to be a cheater. Because sitting in a bar until closing with some girl who is not his wife is wrong. On so many levels.

BTW does he have a drinking problem? Just asking to try to make sense of all this.

ChocolateThief posted 5/22/2019 06:22 AM

Thank you StillLivin I need to be kinder to myself I think. I didn't ask for any of this, I feel so much of my life has been cruelly ripped away from me and my children and I had no chance to do anything to stop it!

the1stwife I really do think he had a drinking problem. This year he has struggled to show a lot of emotion when sober. It was only when he came home drunk he cuddled into me in bed. His dad is a heavy drinker as in spends most evenings in the pub and that is what he thinks is normal. I feel since all of this started he has really used drink as his coping mechanism for his guilt. Which I think also prevents his moving to remorse as he drinks to not think about it.

The1stWife posted 5/22/2019 08:24 AM

I think if he doesnít drop the drinking then the cheating will continue. Sad to say.

Cooley2here posted 5/22/2019 08:42 AM

If you think you are in false reconciliation then you are. Your husband should be behaving himself instead of acting like the moron that he is. There is nothing you can do to make him a kind, thoughtful person. He either is or he isnít. If this life feels shitty enough for you then it is up to you to take charge. You only own yourself. NEVER try to fix another person. It is a waste of time and energy. You deserve better.

pureheartkit posted 5/22/2019 17:06 PM

He's had time to think about it. You both have said it all to each other. If he's not making big changes right now, he's probably not going to.

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