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Different perspective 2.0

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Atg100 posted 5/20/2019 14:55 PM

I will continue my writing here, as the first thread will be full after 50 pages.
I feel like I have reached a limit as well.
I am sick and tired of lawyers, emails, walking on eggshells when talking to my wife.
Considering every word, weighing up of how my actions would look in family court.
I had enough.

Revealing to my stbxw, what I have seen on her old phone, did not make me feel better in any way.
I broke no contact and fed a narcissist, a pointless exercise.
I am now again just sad , for everything that is lost, I am sad for our children, who so desperately want us to get back together.
I know that I am not at fault, but I feel that I have just thrown petrol on the fire. Then again, this knowledge was bottled up in me, and whenever my stbxw made her crazy accusations and demands, I bit my tongue. It would have come out at some point, so now I have to deal with it.

2 weeks ago, a wonderful patient of mine died. She was 45 . The day before her death, she said to me:" don't tell me, I am dying. I have so much living to do!"
I feel, I am wasting my life with all this unhappiness and sadness. I had a great weekend with the kids, camping, we had such fun.
This should be what determines my mood, not the divorce, not my stbxw's infidelity.

[This message edited by Atg100 at 3:10 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

NoOptTo posted 5/20/2019 15:54 PM

Once your D is finalized, that is exactly what your weekends will be filled with. You will still lament the loss of your family for a period of time, but you will only have yourself to answer to. For now you have done so well dealing with the BS your STBXWW is making you endure. You DO HAVE BETTER DAYS AHEAD of you. Focus on what you can control and let the system do its thing. The less you associate with your STBXWW, the better you will feel.

Stevesn posted 5/20/2019 22:38 PM

Previous thread: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=628099&AP=961&HL=58312

Stevesn posted 5/20/2019 22:41 PM

Unfortunately you have to get thru this painful period to get to the good life again. Itís so sad that your WW thought this was the proper way to live and have a marriage.

But you will get to a point again where you feel things are no longer wasted.

I hope you start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel real soon.

paboy posted 5/21/2019 05:03 AM

ATG. Were you able to ascertain whether any of her dalliance' were physical.

Atg100 posted 5/21/2019 06:03 AM

Paboy
I honestly donít care .
I have spent so much time thinking about this.
There are two people who know and they are liars.
Not thinking about it gives me freedom

Atg100 posted 5/22/2019 14:06 PM

Her lawyer finally came through with a suggested date for mediation , mid July .
Her letter was extremely vague, she wanted ď certain entities ď evaluated, without saying what she actually means.
Iím still pretty sad about it all. I try to focus on other things, but my mind wanders back to memories such as the birth of our children.
It will pass, Iím sure

AFL1000 posted 5/22/2019 20:28 PM

Hey ATG

Are you ok with that timeline for the mediation? Or do you want to apply some pressure through your lawyer to get the mediation moved earlier?

Sounds like your STBXW's lawyer is engaging in stalling tactics as you have told us you have already provided a detailed breakdown of assets through your accountant.

I understand that there will still be occasions when the kids are not with you and you are in an empty home that you would feel sad for the death of your marriage. But remember your STBXW is not that person you married; she has shown her true nature. Her words are hollow; her actions tell you all you need to know to press forward with the divorce.

Be comforted that your kids are still young and you can instil in them your core values about love and honesty which you have shown them throughout this whole shit storm created by your STBXW.

Since her email and conversation with you about her mistakes and possibly getting back together (which you shot down) what has her attitude and mood been towards you since that happened?

paboy posted 5/22/2019 22:30 PM

Perhaps propose a date at the end of June,although be willing to accept the July date. If the July date is only a red herring,the stalling tactics will be made more obvious. Right now you appear to have momentum going forward. She appears to be back peddling.

How was the interaction with the change over yesterday.

[This message edited by paboy at 12:06 AM, May 23rd (Thursday)]

Atg100 posted 5/23/2019 05:02 AM

We accepted the July date .
Unless the other party wants an evaluation of my private practice that should be achievable .
There is still a lot of paperwork to be done ; that date will be here before I know it.
My stbxw sent another cryptic message.
I copy and paste it here , because itís so f... annoying that it needs to be read in its original tone to be fully appreciated :
ďIn a side note; part of me still feels that this all could be a huge mistake and that I didnít realise what we had. I know this isnít helpful to say, but sometimes time makes us think about things that we havenít thought about. I hope your day is going wellĒ

What a lot of BS

The1stWife posted 5/23/2019 06:20 AM

Maybe sheís trying to sweeten the pot and thinks that by being nice she will make out better in the divorce.

Or sheís just delusional and thinks yiu have no brain and b/c she thinks she wants to reconcile that you will go running back to her. Maybe she is testing the waters.

Hang in there. It will be over soon (not soon enough I know)

steadychevy posted 5/23/2019 06:39 AM

Can your lawyer demand clarification on the evaluation of "certain entities"? It should be done before mediation otherwise it will just keep dragging out. The vagueness sounds to my untrained ear like it's simply a stalling tactic and not a lot of work has been done on their side like AFL noted.

Marz posted 5/23/2019 09:27 AM

"In a side note; part of me still feels that this all could be a huge mistake and that I didnít realise what we had. I know this isnít helpful to say, but sometimes time makes us think about things that we havenít thought about. I hope your day is going wellĒ

Bullshit translator:
I may have monkey branched to soon. It may not be a good fit like I thought so I may just take you back if it's in my best interest. I think you're still there waiting so this'll will keep you hoping.

Marz posted 5/23/2019 09:39 AM

Revealing to my stbxw, what I have seen on her old phone, did not make me feel better in any way.
I broke no contact and fed a narcissist, a pointless exercise.

It seems like you maybe hoping she'll have an ephiany and "get it".

This tells her you still care and she has a way back as long as she plays her cards right. Hence, her cryptic response.

Nothing you can do or tell her will fix her. I doubt she can fix herself but if that was possible you'd know it. I think you know but can't quite let her go yet. Why?

sisoon posted 5/23/2019 09:42 AM

I feel, I am wasting my life with all this unhappiness and sadness.
I understand feeling that way, but it's important that you process your feelings about being betrayed and your D. (If you had chosen R, you would have had to process different feelings.) There's no way to dodge the grief, anger, fear and shame that comes with being betrayed.

Welcome the feelings. The sooner you feel, the sooner you heal. Remember: you have your feelings. They don't have you.

I had a great weekend with the kids, camping, we had such fun.
I think it's neat that this sentence immediately follows 'wasting my life.' I think it says that in your core you know you're close to the abyss, but you still feel joy. This bodes well for your future.

Best of luck getting your STBXW to the table.

Buster123 posted 5/23/2019 10:42 AM

Revealing to my stbxw, what I have seen on her old phone, did not make me feel better in any way. I broke no contact and fed a narcissist, a pointless exercise.
I am now again just sad , for everything that is lost, I am sad for our children, who so desperately want us to get back together.
I know that I am not at fault, but I feel that I have just thrown petrol on the fire. Then again, this knowledge was bottled up in me, and whenever my stbxw made her crazy accusations and demands, I bit my tongue. It would have come out at some point, so now I have to deal with it.

Hey sometimes there's so much you can take and if that made her mad so be it, as for the children, it's sad and understandable but they're resilient and will get over this with time, it will take some time to adjust to the new co-parenting situation but they will eventually thrive; just curious what was your STBXWW's reaction when you revealed to her what was on her old phone ?

Her letter was extremely vague, she wanted ď certain entities ď evaluated, without saying what she actually means.

I agree this is another stall tactic, you should have your attorney press them on this and tell them to be more specific that way everything is on the table for July. Keep moving on, you're doing great based on the circumstances.

"In a side note; part of me still feels that this all could be a huge mistake and that I didnít realise what we had. I know this isnít helpful to say, but sometimes time makes us think about things that we havenít thought about. I hope your day is going wellĒ

Marz's bullshit translator is great, here's my own: The other "part of me" still wants to cake eat and keep you as plan B while I find another plan A or just keep you in a one sided open M, that is actually what I really want.

paboy posted 5/23/2019 15:41 PM

yep that message.. not much to glean from that.. enough to wind you in but enough to retract quickly.. admittance that she maybe at fault but at the same time not enough to hang herself with.

Except and grieve the loss. Sometimes these losses are out of our control. We just need to grin and bear it, and replace that dark hole with other happiness and enlightenment.

It will be interesting how things play out in the next few months. Whether remorse/regret occurs, or further manipulation and abuse carries on.

We could run another 50 pages before this concludes...

hikingout posted 5/23/2019 15:57 PM

I know that I am not at fault, but I feel that I have just thrown petrol on the fire.

I am so sorry, I did not read your other post. But, what you said in this one resonates so much with me. Walking on eggshells, always having to find the balance of not throwing more gas on the fire.

I don't say this very often, because it makes it seem like I am just the current wife bad mouthing the former wife. But, my H's ex, complete narcissist. It's text book, not a generalized over-used term for a selfish person. I walked on eggshells for years and years. We are past the time of sharing kids and life is much better now.

Here are just a couple of things that I wish someone would tell me...


1. If you really believe she is a narcissist, really think about your kids and what that means to them. There are sites dedicated to narcissist mothers. H's ex did almost everything listed - had a golden child, a scapegoat child, made them far more responsible beyond their years, controlled them to no end. The youngest was the scapegoat. We should have fought her for custody. The golden child would have been devastated and would have felt we were villains in that situation. She told them lies about us. When something didn't go her way, she would get the kids angry with us about things. It can be very, very detrimental. If we had it to do over again we would have went for full custody. They are now adults sifting through all of it, and it's like they are trying to reconcile their childhood.


2. Don't let her control you either. Walking on eggshells is no way to live. What I finally learned was that it didn't matter at all what we did or didn't do. All that existed was her narrative and her strings. Do what you feel is right without looking for her acceptance. I would consider therapy for this as well. A large amount of narc relationships are with empath folks who try and feed that hole in their soul until there is nothing left. It's very damaging.


If this was covered in your other post, I apologize. But, I know the hell that you might be in and you have a long time to go if you have children with this woman.

Atg100 posted 5/23/2019 18:45 PM

My lawyer is very good and I now have confidence in the process and himself.
I got some independent advice regarding the likely mediation outcome from another family lawyer in Perth, who took the time to go through the assets pool and my current situation .
They donít differ by much, so Iím sure the answer will be somewhere around the figures both of them proposed.
Yes , we will provide the other side with all details as requested and stress that if they want any further evaluations done prior to the 17th of July, they better be quick.
I first contacted my lawyer on the 2nd of August 2018- since then my wife and I had lived in separate bedrooms prior to her moving out in December .
If all goes well, I can file for divorce in August.
Thatís actually not far now.
I did reply to my wife - I just said thanks for the message and I wish her long lasting happiness .
I just donít need a repeat of last weekends exchange, which made me sad.

Yes, she is a narcissist , I will not play her games.
But Iíll have to deal with her for the foreseeable future , so I better do some more reading.
The lawyer gave me some confidence , the kids are at home
- Iím feeling much better.

Cooley2here posted 5/23/2019 18:58 PM

If you are dealing with a narcissist then go grey rock. Be the most boring person on the planet. Be a puff of smoke. Donít give her anything to push against and donít respond to texts, emails or phone calls. You have an attorney. Thatís who needs to correspond, not you. In the future keep your ďconversationsĒ short. One or two words. Never let yourself be pulled into the mind games she is playing. Nothing to see here just move along. Be polite about children. Period.

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