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Jealous of the Butterflies

ibonnie posted 5/19/2019 23:54 PM

Tonight I went out sans WH and had dinner with a friend. We live in a huge city, so I took the subway. On the ride home, a cute guy sat directly across from me on the train. We made eye contact briefly, I smiled and looked away.

And I couldn't help but be a little jealous of my WH.

Way back in my single days, I was... a slut. A player. Ethically non-monogamous. Whatever you want to call it. I was single, I was honest, I was naked a lot and I hooked up with a lot of people.

It was fun.

Going out and setting my sights on a cute guy or girl and trying to see what would happen. Could I get them to buy me a drink? Could I get them to dance with me? Make out? Take me back to their place?

Oh wait, they wanted to cuddle? Time to be out! If the sex was good, maybe I'd be down again next time I saw them. Maybe they could make it onto my regular hookup roster.

But I digress.

It was fun! That butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach. The flirting -- stolen glances back and forth, coy inuendos. Making out with someone new. The touching. Figuring out what would make them moan. The sex -- sex in public, quickies in bathrooms, threesomes and more...

And tonight I felt jealous. My WH got that. Well, not that exactly. He got missionary sex with a crazy coworker because she was much, much larger than him and he was worried about her being on top. He got deepthroating blowjobs that he said were okay, but too rough and no teasing. According to him, they either only had sex in a hotel room or at her house, because logistically it wouldn't work in our car... and that was basically it when it came to the sex.

But he got the butterflies! The chase! The fun stuff! All it cost him was his family, respect, money...

And the irony of it all is that (according to some other posters in another forum on here), I wouldn't have been the one to bet on when it came to being monogamous. My WH, who prior to me, had slept only with his two girlfriends, who he had each dated for a couple of years prior to me, would have been the safer bet as to who would/could be monogamous.

But anyways... I don't want to be a cheater. I don't believe I ever will be a cheater (don't see the point, when ethical non-monogamy works much, much better). But I couldn't help but be a little jealous of my WH tonight.

What did he get out of this whole ordeal? He got extra sex. He got to experience the butterflies that come with kissing and boning someone new. And what did I get? Trauma. Nightmares. Therapy. Triggers. Antidepressants. STD tests.

But despite everything, I felt guilty for smiling at the cute stranger the way that I did, because I knew what look I was giving.

I knew how I could play the game if I was single. Keep glancing up and smiling. Maybe move closer to him on the subway. If I had plans to meet up with friends at a bar, invite him to join me for a drink.

Instead I smiled once, made sure I didn't make eye contact with him again. And then felt a mixture of nostalgia for my single days, guilt for the nostalgia, anger for all the pain my WH caused, and jealous of the fun he got to have at everyone else's (mine, especially) expense.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 11:54 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

littleAvocet posted 5/20/2019 04:31 AM

Oddly enough this came up for me over the weekend. I told my fwh that I was jealous he got that new relationship thrill. He got the fun bits, the flirting, the sex, the butterflies. At least he got that. Look what we got.
He said heíd take it all back in a heartbeat.
Ultimately for me it came down to no longer feeling special. He moved the Ďspecialí on to his new girlfriend. I think thatís what Iím jealous of. He got to feel wanted, and needed, in that intense way. Meanwhile Iíve been left with the residue from that relationship. Rejected. Second best. Decidedly not special in any way.
I would love to feel that intensity again, to have someone act like Iím their whole world, but ultimately itís hollow. Iíve seen what happens either years down the line when someone else turns up. I saw AP get dumped and she was supposedly Ďspecialí.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/20/2019 05:17 AM

Ibonnie, you have been heard. I can relate to everything you said. (Except for the single life details. Mine are not quite as colorful, although plenty of wild oats were sowed! ). And please don't call yourself a slut. You were single, with other single consenting adults. You were completely free to do as you pleased. Who gets to decide how much non-marital sex constitutes a slut? No one. That's who.

I had the same thoughts about the butterflies many times. We all know how heady that feeling is, and as BS's, how we denied ourselves for years and years to be true to our spouses. WH going after that feeling over and over and over again sometimes felt like the worst part of the betrayal. The ultimate in selfishness. He chose butterflies over my life and mental health. F***. That. Guy.

I healed from his infidelity before I started dating. I got myself mentally whole again. However, I'd be lying if I didn't say that my new recent dating life is turning out to be a whole lot of fun. That said, the butterflies I've been feeling do not preclude my desire to be in a monogamous loving relationship with a truly good man. I know that I would give them up in a heartbeat.

Hang in there, iBonnie. This is part of the process.

sunwillshine posted 5/20/2019 09:53 AM

I think there is a huge difference between being single and meeting someone new, the excitement of being playful, flirting and new sex, than sneaking around, lying, cheating looking for that excitement "butterflies" feeling. Because I don't think cheating gets the same feeling. Cheating is overshadowed by the guilt and shame. From what my fwh has told me, the "feelings" he hoped to find were never there and he was consistently disappointed by the experience.
My single days "sex" was pretty good, but it has never been as good as the sex I have in a long term committed relationship. My fwh and I always had a great sex life. It has only gotten better the longer we are together. Now that he has changed his ways and is "all in," even our old people sex is better than our younger days.

For me, I'd much rather have a real connection than lies and fantasy.

ibonnie posted 5/20/2019 13:25 PM

I had the same thoughts about the butterflies many times. We all know how heady that feeling is, and as BS's, how we denied ourselves for years and years to be true to our spouses. WH going after that feeling over and over and over again sometimes felt like the worst part of the betrayal. The ultimate in selfishness. He chose butterflies over my life and mental health. F***. That. Guy.

This. I had opportunities and offers to cheat over the years. And yeah, it makes you feel kinda good for a second, like, yep, I still got it. Except I valued my WH and my family above all, and I knew where those roads would lead, and I never went down them. Made it very, very clear that I was happily married and flattered but not interested. 9/10 times the person would back off. And the one weirdo that would keep trying? Well, it was no longer flattering. It was disgusting and annoying that they thought I would cheat on my husband and kids for them.

WH obviously didn't have the same thought process though.

However, I'd be lying if I didn't say that my new recent dating life is turning out to be a whole lot of fun. That said, the butterflies I've been feeling do not preclude my desire to be in a monogamous loving relationship with a truly good man. I know that I would give them up in a heartbeat.

Ugh. So. Back when I was single, my WH was supposed to just be a hookup. It started out as a mid-week meetup. Long story short, he pushed for monogamy. He didn't want anyone else. He wanted a one-on-one relationship with me. So I conceded. And I actually fell head over heels for him. But prior to him, I had no desire for monogamy, marriage or kids. I was a free spirit that wanted to experience all that I could without being tethered down.

I guess that the other thing that got to me. Over the years I had brought up the idea of an open marriag, which he always shot down. He couldn't handle the idea of me being with another man, would make him too jealous.

Okay. I respected his feelings, and I loved him, so I was fine with staying monogamous.

And then he has an affair!

I think there is a huge difference between being single and meeting someone new, the excitement of being playful, flirting and new sex, than sneaking around, lying, cheating looking for that excitement "butterflies" feeling. Because I don't think cheating gets the same feeling.

Idk, maybe after the fog is gone. But when waywards are caught up in the affair fog, they sound pretty delusional going on about soulmates and TWU WUV, and not much about guilt or shame.

But I get what you mean. I could never cheat because of that. It would feel to gross and dishonest and I'm just... not a dishonest person. Can't keep a secret to save my life.

Cheating is overshadowed by the guilt and shame. From what my fwh has told me, the "feelings" he hoped to find were never there and he was consistently disappointed by the experience.†

I think after d-dah has happened and they see the fallout, that's when the guilt/shame kicks in high gear, and hopefully regret and remorse.

My single days "sex" was pretty good, but it has never been as good as the sex I have in a long term committed relationship. My fwh and I always had a great sex life. It has only gotten better the longer we are together. Now that he has changed his ways and is "all in," even our old people sex is better than our younger days.†

And yes, this is definitely true. Single sex is fun and exciting, but without a doubt the best sex I've ever had is with my WH. We know how our body's work. Where to lick, where to tickle, where to touch... all the spots that should be left alone and all the ones that should be payed attention to.

For me, I'd much rather have a real connection than lies and fantasy.

I agree.

I think... I was just feeling quite annoyed last night.

Who made out the best in this whole situation? WH.

His AP -- who is a decade older than him, lives at home with her parents still, is very overweight and hasn't had a serious relationship in years -- thought it was TWU WUV. Star-crossed lovers in the office.

I got... gaslit. Made to feel like I was losing my mind. Depression. Lost 30lbs. and looked sickly and emaciated. Therapy visits. Lawyer appointments. Antidepressants and side effects. Nightmares and insomnia a year after the A ended.

And what did my WH get? Some guilt and shame? Loss of respect? CC debt. But out of the three of us, he got the sex. The feeling like two women wanted him and poor him, he was torn between the two. He got the secret encounters and someone telling him the sun shone out of his ass.

And now... he has a wife, me, who's working on picking up the pieces and dealing with the anxiety and triggers and nightmares and insomnia, that's willing to work on R while he's working on himself.

Out of the three of us, I think the only one that got a modicum of enjoyment out of this was him.

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