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False reconciliation

Perseverantia posted 5/18/2019 01:11 AM

Iíve lurked for months and finally posting. Iím in need of some
Objectivity. DDay #1 was almost 9 weeks ago. WS admitted to an EA with no physical contact - although she was in my home on one occasion when I was out of town. We immediately began reconciliation. He did and said all the right things. Full access to phone, watched affair recovery videos, printed out marriage boot camp paperwork, scheduled IC. Things were going pretty good, then they got sketchy and I was plagued by the ďthereís more I donít know feeling.Ē I dug and dug until I had evidence and confronted with again and he admitted that it was a long term EA/PA. He told her her loved her (he claims limerance now), he slept with her in my bed. He slept with her very frequently. Lunch breaks, before/after work. And the kicker... he slept with her and maintained constant daily communication via secret Snapchat account up until 2 weeks ago, when I put a screen time passcode on his phone to prevent porn. What I also did was to set it up so he could not delete apps and could not go to social media pages since he used snap chat and fb messenger to communicate with her (heís too clever to use his phone since knows i look at phone records due to years of previous EAs/flirtations). So now if he downloaded an app, I would see it on his phone. D-Day #2 was 3 days ago. He claims that he has had no contact since screen time was put on his phone on May 5. Of course, now he claims he is all in and wants R and claims to be a sex addict (def long standing porn issues). I made him move out of our family home upon discovery of Dday #2. Iím beyond destroyed that i was the only one truly reconciling and that he was capable of watching my extreme pain at feeling that something was going on, and watching me go crazy digging and obsessing and spiraling for 2 weeks while hollowly attempting to console me. I donít know if WS is a narcissist or a sex addict or just a crappy husband stuck in the fog. I donít know how to move forward. Iím currently trying to instill the 180 while we are separated, but he claims to want to R. Heís not insisting on coming home yet. Iím struggling because What I really want is for him to fix his issues and to R and be a family again (we have 4 small children). But I donít know if I can get over things and I donít know if I need to 180 him or agree to R since ultimately that is what I want. Iím so very lost, confused and hurt. Please help.

The1stWife posted 5/18/2019 03:30 AM

Iím sorry you are here and thank you for sharing your story.

I too suffered through false reconciliation and Dday2. I had to call the OW to find out the Affair was still going on while I was working my butt off thinking we were reconciling.

And yes it takes an extra special jerk to see the pain they caused by having an affair, see you crying your eyes out and having them turn around and continue to cheat.

But I have come to understand the Affair is like an addiction to the cheater. They know it is wrong but the cheater doesnít care because the Affair makes them feel good in some odd way. Maybe it is the thrill of getting away with something or the fact it is illicit. I donít know why but I see the behavioral patterns and the cheating is like an addiction.

In your case I donít know if your H is a sex addict or narc or just a lying cheating jerk. Just know that cheaters follow a typical behavioral pattern and continuing the Affair while pretending to Reconcile is one of them.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:31 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

annb posted 5/18/2019 05:48 AM

Hi, welcome to SI.

Gently, if he is out of the house, IMO he's back in the affair.

What is he doing to prove he can be a safe partner again?

Right now he has his cake and is eating it, too.

Personally, I'd out him to close family and friends who will hold him accountable, people you know you can trust.

Is this OW married?

bookworm19 posted 5/18/2019 05:55 AM

So sorry you had to find this place. I don't have much advice, because I have never been in a situation like this, I have no children and can't even imagine, how hard this must be. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. You seem to have your head in the right place.
If you can digest this part

... he slept with her in my bed. He slept with her very frequently. Lunch breaks, before/after work. And the kicker... he slept with her and maintained constant daily communication via secret Snapchat account up until 2 weeks ago,

and start reconciliation knowing this part, then you are one tough cookie. Provided he is remorseful and willing to do the work. I'm just really skeptical because he has no scruples as it seems.

I agree with the previous poster, he is still cheating, he just took the thing a bit more underground.

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 5:58 AM, May 18th (Saturday)]

Angel19 posted 5/18/2019 09:13 AM

Hi my WS was in a 8 LTA before I found out and after I found out he promised to stop all contact. I believed him but my gut feel was telling me otherwise. I started watching, fishing and after having evidence confronted WS. Denied it I then got a PI involved and a few bits of other things and basically gave him rope to hang himself. I saw that reconciliation was only an effort on my part. As the relationship was going no where and after two years asked him to move out and respect my wishes. As previously he did not want to leave. The affair during all that time of reconciliation continued. The day he found a place she moved in and WS tells me he is living in hope that we get back together. Has no hope in hell after putting me through so much. And yes WS is not happy with the choice he made. I tell him time and time again not my problem. Unfortunately I have to have contact as we share custody of the kids.

sisoon posted 5/18/2019 11:15 AM

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

A few thoughts:

1) Back out of R. Develop requirements for R. If he agrees to meet them, observe him for 3-6 months. If he meets the reqs, then you can commit to R.

IMO, your H has to earn his way into R, after his violations first of your M and second of your R.

2) You mention a history of EAs/flirtations. Why are you persevering? What do you get from your H? Do you really want him?

3) IMO, the only chance you have R'ing is if your H recognizes he has a big problem and commits to solving it. That means, to me, therapy with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner. If he won't commit to that, I see him continuing his wayward behavior.

totallydumb posted 5/19/2019 16:26 PM

Perseverantia,

What exactly are you trying to save here?

Look at the situation from a different view.

If a friend came to you with this story about her WH, what advice would you give?

H has cheated, lied, cheated some more and lied some more...Ö..

Do not give the gift of R so easily.

Pause and watch his actions, don't believe a word he says - remember he is a lying cheater!

Read the healing library.

Eat, drink water, get rest.

Get yourself tested for STDs.

Perseverantia posted 5/20/2019 13:25 PM

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses and support.

To answer some of the questions you all asked...

What is he doing to prove he can be a safe partner again?

Heís sought help for porn addiction, mailing NC today, IC is scheduled, supposedly scheduling MC today, listening to affair audiobooks, has Life360 on phone, Iím admin of all electronics including home monitoring systems, all passwords to all accounts, including financial, agreed to terms of R if I decide to R, also agreed to honor boundaries that I drew up in response to failure to maintain terms of R or in the event of breaking NC. Heís also talking. Telling me all the painful details that he refused to before.

You mention a history of EAs/flirtations. Why are you persevering? What do you get from your H? Do you really want him?

We have 4 small children. Iím drowning in parenting responsibilities on a good day. Much harder when Iím in this emotionally devastated place. I also see a lot of good in him underneath so much dysfunction. I still have hope (naive, i know) that he can be the man that heís began to talk about being. I also have little support here. All my family is out of state. And if Iím really super honest with myself, I feel like I wonít find another partner that will accept me with 4 little kids, overweight with a loose and stretch marked belly. I know that sounds self deprecating but itís my truth and Iím owning it.

IMO, the only chance you have R'ing is if your H recognizes he has a big problem and commits to solving it. That means, to me, therapy with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner. If he won't commit to that, I see him continuing his wayward behavior.

Heís admitted that heís been an awful pattern and parent, owning his part in the unhappiness that our nature household has been enduring. His mood and attitude at home has been bad a couple of years and getting progressively worse.

nekonamida posted 5/20/2019 13:40 PM

And if Iím really super honest with myself, I feel like I wonít find another partner that will accept me with 4 little kids, overweight with a loose and stretch marked belly. I know that sounds self deprecating but itís my truth and Iím owning it.

This is not the truth though. Many women are overweight with stretch marks and little kids who find love and re-marry. It happens all of the time.

Don't make decisions on your future based on fear. Make it from a place of strength. Choose R because he proves himself to be worthy of a chance at R. Choose D if he can't give you what you need and deserve. But don't make a choice just because you're afraid. Give yourself some time to watch him and get your feet back under you before jumping back into R. Make him earn it this time. And check out the 180 in the healing library. Follow it. It will help you get to a place where you can see more clearly.

LCC18 posted 5/20/2019 14:23 PM

False reconciliation is a sign that he does not find an issue with what he did, and he will do it again. Someone who is truly remorseful, will commit to the reconciliation, rather than worsen the situation with false promises. I agree with the above user who said that if he is no longer living at home, he is likely back involved with his PA. I would do some more careful digging to see if this is the case.

sewardak posted 5/20/2019 17:23 PM

if your daughter looked like you did would you tell her to stay?

pureheartkit posted 5/20/2019 17:52 PM

The way your body looks after 4 children is a natural part of life. You are a good person and parent. Don't think that's not going to be enough. Your health you can always improve. Work on your health so you can always be there for your kids. It's good for them to see you doing it.

Eat fresh often and buy as clean as you can. Extra additives in foods have to be cleared out by the liver. When it's busy doing that, it's not doing as much to regulate weight as it could.

Read in the healing library and work on yourself. What do you want? What kind of life would make you happy? Is he going to help you? Is he going to seriously look at himself? It's your turn. You choose.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/20/2019 19:22 PM

if Iím really super honest with myself, I feel like I wonít find another partner

You need to learn to be ok by yourself. You don't need a partner. You are all you need. And, ironically, the more happy you are with yourself by yourself, the more likely you are to attract a good partner.

Perseverantia posted 5/20/2019 20:19 PM

You guys are wonderful. Thank you all so much for the support. Iíve been scouring the healing library for days. I read about the 180 a few days ago and have been trying to implement elements of it, but I wasnít sure how to work it if he wasnít in the house. Heís stayed home the last 3 nights. Heís been begging to come home. 2 nights he slept with me and we had some HB, which I did not expect considering I just learned that the affair was physical . I didnít expect I could be intimate with him because OW is young and thin and Iím, well, not. I also have been so upset that he potentially exposed me to STDs that I felt I wouldnít want to ever be intimate again. HB urges are so strong and I gave in, just wanting to feel anything other than the extreme pain Iíve been in. I have an appt with my OB/GYN tomorrow. And sadly, if I do have anything, Iíve probably had it for a while since theyíve been in a relationship close to a year and NEVER used protection. 🤢 WS insisted on a vasectomy, and here I thought it was to avoid more babies with me. Anyways, thanks again for the advice. I will def do the 180. I didnít know you could do that if WS is in the home. It seemed weird to do it if they were out of the home bc i felt that he would run straight to OW. Iíve been on the fence about our living situation, but Iíve decided to let him stay home, sleep on the couch and help with the kids. Itís hard when heís open and communicating and comforting me to not fall back into old traps like he set for me in false R. Although he insists they werenít traps and that his efforts were sincere. He just said he could stop seeing AP.

nekonamida posted 5/21/2019 09:08 AM

Although he insists they werenít traps and that his efforts were sincere. He just said he could stop seeing AP.

If he really believes that his efforts in R with you were sincere when he never stopped cheating then he is delusional. There's no such thing as R while he continues to date OW. You need to take a huge step back from this man and consider making him leave the house again. He doesn't get to dictate staying anymore and he doesn't get to entice you back into R when it's clear that he isn't remorseful and thinks he can continue cheating while R'ing like it's no big deal because his heart is in the right place.

Even if you're not ready to file, you may want to see a lawyer and see what divorce would look like for you. I'm worried for you that he's still seeing OW because he "just can't keep away" and thinks it's not that bad as long as you believe R is going well. He isn't safe for you right now at all and the chance of him roping you back in only to be hurt again and again is just too high.

northeasternarea posted 5/21/2019 09:45 AM

STD testing for both of you.

linds9 posted 5/21/2019 10:05 AM

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

I had a second d-day and realized R was false a few months ago. I also have young kids and don't live near my family. It's not an easy situation and impossible to handle it well and gracefully all the time. I hope you're able to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself when things get hard.

I found I vacillated hard between D and R for a while and it seemed urgent to come to a decision. But now I'm taking things one day at a time and I think I will know what is the right option for my family in time. I'm setting boundaries about what kind of contact and activities I'm willing to have with my husband according to what is healthy for me and doesn't push me past my limits. But boy was it an emotional rollercoaster to get here. I'm glad that my husband moved out and is still out of the home while we work on getting healthy. Some days when I'm feeling calm and clear he comes over and we're all together as a family, we put the kids down at night, he helps with cleaning up the house but then he goes back to his place and I get time to myself to do whatever I need. And on the days when I'm feeling really emotional and having him around isn't going to be good for anybody, I tell him it's a day I need space and he doesn't come over.

There are no real rules, you can make your living arrangements and time spent together look however you would like and however works best for your family. And it's OK to take things at your own pace. If you're not ready to have him out of the house - fine, but later if you are that is fine too. And then if you want to bring him back after that, or not, that is also fine! I hope you can choose what is best for your own health, don't worry about what your body looks like and whether someone else would be interested in you with 4 kids. I see a fair number of examples of happy, blended families. So moving on with someone else definitely seems like a possibility. But working to R is also a possibility.

I'm dealing with a husband with sex addiction. He's found the SAA program through intherooms.com helpful. He can do video meetings on there since there are no groups close to where we live. He started seeing a CSAT recently too and I'm feeling good about that. There is support available for partners, including on-line meetings, too - https://www.sanon.org/. This is my fav resource at the moment - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548. I look to make sure WS is well within the Reconciliation column and look for those indicators of remorse and if something seems off I enforce my boundaries.

Best wishes to you and (((((((big hugs))))))

Perseverantia posted 5/21/2019 15:32 PM

STD testing for both of you.

Just had mine today. I think I may have hit my own rock bottom today. Between crying in the Drs arms (she was so kind and empathetic, sharing her own story of infidelity, divorce and hope), and then having a mishap using life360, where there was 20 minutes of my husbandís lunch break unaccounted for. He claims that he was inside a restaurant that tried to automatically connect to WiFi, but does not connect properly and this accounted for that time. I didnít believe a word since that was his prime time with his AP. He would meet her during his lunch hour. I called him at 12:25 and could hear he was at the restaurant with his coworkers (supportive of marriage), and then after a full meltdown on my part was able to send me a screen shot of his Apple Pay notification that read the restaurant, charge, $ and was at 12:01. So it seems that his story is legit but something just shifted and I realized that I am just done with this. I had already decided no more sexual contact at all until he gets tested if we make it to R. Thereís no way I will put my body in jeopardy again. And that fact alone, makes me feel that R Isnít going to be possible. I donít think I will ever trust him with the sexual health of my body again. I did do some HB with him since I found out last week that he was sexually involved with AP. My justification in my mind was that if I had something I caught it months ago. But I now am drawing a hard line. Iíve decided to allow him to sleep in my sons room but must keep his things in there too. I canít have him walking in and out of my designated space. I agreed at beginning of false R that I wouldnít make any decisions for 6 months. We have 4 months left and all heís proven is how very unsafe, unloving and untrustworthy he is. Sure, heís put in some actual effort for 3 days but overall, when I step back and look, all I see is more heartache for me. Waiting for STD test results in 2 days... if anything is positive, I feel like it would be another nail in the coffin.

josiep posted 5/21/2019 16:28 PM

I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. But your thinking sounds very rational and intelligent so just keep doing what you're doing and however all this turns out, you and your children will be fine.

Now that you've reached some clarity about your situation, do you think you can shift your focus to just doing one thing? And that one thing is to put yourself first and take care of yourself. Eat healthy, sleep well, exercise, do what you want, fix what you want for supper, buy the foods you want at the grocery store, etc. I realize you have to work those decisions around 4 small children but just start shifting your focus onto your own health and well-being. After all, if the kids don't get the candy they want but they have a healthy Mama, is that a bad thing? :)

While you're focused on taking care of yourself, your WH will either sink or swim. Detach from his problems and his comings and goings. Be civil, be polite, but detach your feelings from it all. Do you care if you made spaghetti for dinner and made meat sauce like you like it instead of with meatballs the way he likes it? No, you do not care. It's all about you now. You're perfectly willing to share said spaghetti with him but you'll no longer put his preferences above your own.

In the end, he'll do whatever it is he's going to do. And when the time comes to make a decision about your marriage, you'll be so healthy and strong, you'll deal with it in a healthy and good way and you and your children will live happily ever after. The End.

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