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Feeling rejected and discarded

bubbles8561 posted 5/17/2019 17:38 PM

About 3.5 months ago my husband of only 18 months (we were together a total of maybe 3.5 years) told me he feels a void between us and he is no longer in love w me, hasnít been for ďsome time.Ē This was surprising as he told me he loved me everyday. A few nights later I caught him FaceTiming w a young coworker at 2am, which he denied then accidentally hit redial and I saw her. I saw missed calls from her at all hours and texting on weekends. He said nothing was happening and anytime I tried to have a conversation about it there was a ton of defensiveness and gas lighting. To fast forward, he told me he wanted to work on things and I should still proceed w the IVF we were doing, then 24 hours after the surgery he told me ďI want out.Ē I then was able to find that he had been having secret dinners for 2 with her and lying to me about where he was and what he was doing. He maintains he never cheated on me and justifies it by saying that nothing happened between them until after he told me he wants out. She even asked him if he has ever been unfaithful, despite knowing he was and still is married so clearly he has been lying to her about much of our relationship. We are in negotiations for the sivorce now and itís been a bit over 2 months. I have not spoken with him since a few days before I moved out 2 months ago. He was so cold an aloof about the whole thing, I feel so discarded, like I never existed to him. I paid for so much and feel used. Iím just feeling a bit anxious tonight and lonely. Thought Iíd reach out on here.

traicionada posted 5/17/2019 18:16 PM

While we wait for the emotional intelligent people to arrive and provide really amazing help, let me ask you a question, are you being good to yourself? Eating healthy, drinking water, getting enough sleep, etc?

bubbles8561 posted 5/17/2019 18:22 PM

Yes, I am back at work, started exercising again, almost to a point of actually eating healthy 🙄, and started seeing a therapist right when it happened, initially 2 x a week now once a week. Iím trying to be proactive about feeling things and not distracting, while also not dwelling. I also just got back from an 8 day hiking trip in South America, traveling alone and joining a group there.

Something to add as well is that if I tell his work and show the irrefutable evidence of the affair it could ruin his career. I donít want to be that kind of person and know I want to sleep w a clear conscience but I am also just so hurt. Iíve created this story in my head that heís so happy and thatís so painful.

traicionada posted 5/17/2019 18:50 PM

Yay! Youíre taking good care of yourself. Also, kudos on taking a solo hiking trip, lots of people are terrified of traveling alone.
Now back to the elephant on the room, making his cheating public knowledge is unlikely to restore your sense of safety and well-being. With that in mind, what do you think telling his job will provide you with?

bubbles8561 posted 5/17/2019 18:55 PM

I know telling will ultimately not help me and likely will hurt me. Itís honestly a way to poke him and attempt to feel validated and like I exist and that he hurt me. I donít want to do it and likely will not (canít predict the future) Iím just being honest that sometimes the idea that o could do it once the divorce is over gives me a sense of having some power back in this situation. And the farther I get from when this started and the more I do for myself the less of a desire I have at all to do it. I had a bit of an emotional relapse on the hiking trip because I was free if distraction and there were couples on the trip, lots of time to relive all that happened. But I think I needed to go through that, just sit with it all and let myself feel it.

fareast posted 5/17/2019 19:02 PM

Hi bubbles8561:

I am sorry you find yourself here. It appears that your WH is a remorseless cheater. You have done well to have decided to end the M and pursue D. In a way, despite the pain you have suffered, finding out so early in your M that you are M to a liar and a cheater I hope you will eventually be able to see that this is a blessing in disguise. Imagine being M to him and going through this shit after 5, 10, or twenty years with children and financial entanglements. It would be a worse nightmare. You have dodged a bullet. I hope you have been tested for STDís. Please push forward with the D as fast as possible. Make sure your attorney is willing to push ahead. Donít allow your WH to drag his feet. You are discarding a cheater. Staying no contact with him will help you heal faster.

Do not pain shop him on social media. I doubt he is happy. He will continue to cheat in every relationship. Make sure you get every penny you are entitled to in your D. Get into IC for yourself. Stay no contact with the jerk. You deserve so much better and you will find it. Good luck.

bubbles8561 posted 5/17/2019 19:05 PM

Thank you, yes I blocked him on social media and text right away. I kept looking and it was only hurtful. Thinking of it as me discarding a cheater is a good way to frame it. He became a stranger overnight.

Charity411 posted 5/17/2019 19:06 PM

Wow! You may not feel like it, but you are one amazing woman. At 3 and half months I was non functioning. Forget hiking through South America. I was lucky to walk through the back yard.

You have every right to feel discarded and angry. The fact that he was doing this while you were going through the difficulty and uncertainty of IVF takes a special kind of jerk. Hurt doesn't begin to describe what you must be feeling.

We all wish there were some magic words that would make you feel better. There are none. Only time and distance between you and him will give you the perspective you need to process this. But know that you are not alone and we can empathize and commiserate even if we can't fix it. When you are ready there are wonderful people here who can help you navigate the pitfalls of divorce if that comes to pass. People that can help translate the mixed messages you will get. It is wisdom none of us wish we earned, but it is what it is.

Take care of yourself, love yourself, and know with out a doubt that this is not your fault.

The1stWife posted 5/17/2019 21:11 PM

Iím sorry that this happened to you. It is so painful to read your words and remember how discarded and kicked to the curb I felt by my H after 25 years of marriage.

So you seem to be managing. Good for you!!

You lost a dead weight in your life. Any one who can be that cold and callous has some serious flaws and issues. What kind of person does that? A jerk. Only word to describe him.

Keep putting your happiness first. You will survive this. We all do.

ShutterHappy posted 5/17/2019 23:55 PM

Itís normal to feel rejected and discarded. But you are being ďdiscardedĒ by a self centered man who clearly doesnít deserve you.

Please give yourself time. Surround yourself with friends and family and let them help you.

In a few years, youíll be thinking: Iím glad he left, I could have been stuck with this guy for 20 years.

I created this account to tell others like you that ďthere is life after infidelityĒ. In the long run, youíll be just fine. We heal, we learn, and life gets better.

I send you Strength!

Buster123 posted 5/18/2019 10:42 AM

You the threat of exposure as a bargaining chip during the D process.

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