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the moment I was dreading; ftf with AP!

ButterflyBeauty posted 5/16/2019 17:57 PM

Itís been a long time since Iíve posted anything. FWS and I have been working hard at R. It is a lot of work and has not been easy even with both of us doing the work individually and to rebuild our marriage. Itís 15 months since DDAY. I believe it is only by Godís grace that I have made it through all of this, so far.
I have been dealing with managing my triggers and PTSD. I have also been focused with living my best life. Making the best I can of each day no matter what happens or how hard it is. I want to enjoy my life. With that being said, I choose that even when I feel submerged and surrounded by triggers and reminders of WS devastating behavior and double life. My pain and awareness is never completely gone or that far removed.
I am grateful for the moments of peace and any reprieve I can get. I have been doing well and finding myself feeling joy and happiness again more frequently. Since DDAY I have always been more aware and hyper vigilant of everything, my surroundings Etc. I avoid certain places and people that could trigger me. I have also faced my fears and went some places that I had to when I was ready. Iím a weird way it was like I was taking a little bit of my power strength and self back, if that makes any sense.
Anyway, the other day as I was coming home from IC- EMDR
session I turned into my development and as I usually do, I look at the surroundings and cars. I immediately hone in on a car that is the same make/model as AP I look closer and make eye contact with her! There I was face to face looking directly at this evil woman who had caused me so much pain. I am not forgetting about my WS and his hand in the pain and damage he has brought to my life. I couldnít believe it, I was in shock! I felt blind sided again!! I usually have my guard up but it wasnít at that moment. I didnít know what to do. I drove past them stopped in the middle of the street. I wasnít sure what I should do. I was freaking out, I called FWS and told him she was in our development. He came out of our house and saw where I was parked just as I was getting out of the car to approach her.
It feels surreal and I know I lost it. I remember bits and pieces, but I canít sven remember half of what I said. Needless to say it didnít go well. I asked her what she was doing here as I was walking towards her. She said her daughter lives there (not sure if thatís true or when that happened but why would I) anyway I went off! I cursed her out, told her my extremely low opinion of her to put it mildly. t this point my H is there trying to calm me down and get me in the car. All I remember hearing her say was 4 years- (the length of the A) so my mind has been killing me thinking of all she could have said before that.
I didnít expect much from her if we ever had any contact. I know what kind of person she is. Thatís why I avoided any contact with her. I could have approached her any time but wanted to leave it alone so I could focus on myself my m and my family. She took enough and I wasnít going to give her anything else.
But then it happened, we ran into each other whixh couldnít be avoided. All the pain anger Nd emotions I suppressed and was dealing with erupted and i exploded! Iím not happy how it happened. After I keep playing it over in my mind, how could I have handled it better? It was my one shot and I am not even close to satisfied with how it went. Then again how could there be any satisfying outcome in this situation. There was so much more I wanted to say and Iím a better manner but whatís the point. I read here a lot that it usually never works out well addressing the AP. In one way I wanted my feelings and thoughts to remain a mystery to her while others other hand I want her to know exactly how I feel and think about her and her disgusting behavior. I wanted to point out even in all the bad, my life is good and it continues to get better. Itís better than before and remind her how she is still lonely and miserable. Actually I did tell her that. Anyway it may be petty but I canít help it. I figured I didnít go looking for her to cause a situation but she showed up feet from my home!
My home felt like it was my last safe place. Where I didnít have to have my guard up and it took a long time to get there bc she used to drive by my house and text my H threatening to tell me. She text him how she saw my kids playing outside. Of course I didnít know this at the time. So that set me off that she would have the nerve to be in my development knowing we live there.
I donít know why her callous attitude cuts me so deep. No shame or guilt but it infuriated me even more. I know words are lost on this type of person. Since this happened I have been having panic attacks, and overflow of so many emotions
Itís like Iím back to square one and it feels awful
I feel terrible she got that kind of response from me. I have been hRd on myself criticizing how I should have handled it. I have regrets but I was not prepared for the pain it has brought back up. I am struggling and questioning everything again.
Itís like I navigate every day through a mind field trying not to step in the mess my BS made only to have it blow up in my face. This is like getting hit by another train and I donít know how I can deal with it. Iím tying to be strong and pick myself back up but it just ripped the wound wide open again and it feels deeper than before.

Stevesn posted 5/16/2019 20:28 PM

If only WSís can see the pain like this that they reign on their BSís before they make their awful choices.

Iím so sorry you had to experience that.

Has your WH been supportive since this incident? How has he helped you recover from it?

BearlyBreathing posted 5/16/2019 20:41 PM

(((Butterfly))). Ugh that had to be horrible. But it is over. You spoke your mind (yay for you!!). Your H supported you.

She sounds truly awful. Let the feelings happen. She brought up a lot of stuff, but maybe think of it like when you are sick and you throw up. Feels awful, but after a while it feels better b/c you get rid of the yuck. Use all the tools youíve developedó deep breathing, journaling, talking it out with your H. This WILL pass. And how your WS handles it and helps you through it will hopefully enforce all the work youíve done in R.

Iím sorry that happened. But now that it has, you don't have to fear it anymore.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 5/16/2019 21:01 PM

Don't be so hard on yourself. What happened was unexpected, and seeing her lit the fuse to the keg of dynamite within you. Your response was spontaneous and all the rage and pain blew open.

Don't give thought to the woulda coulda shoulda. This wasn't exactly a prepared speech. It was raw emotion and she more than had it coming to her.

No doubt you feel the effects of this encounter but I believe in the long run it will be cathartic for you. I know if I ever came face to face with the AP I would do exactly the same. I have so much I want to say to her as I'm sure you did. I think many of us imagine what we would say to them if we had the chance.

It's not about her. Don't give her a second thought. Who cares how you came across? It's about you having purged some of the pent up anger and pain.

Hugs to you.

The1stWife posted 5/17/2019 04:15 AM

You needed to stand up to her - like she is a bully. She is a predator and you were enraged she is now on your turf.

Completely understandable. Stop beating yourself up. She deserved it

We all have moments we are not proud of. Move on. Remember your goal of happiness in your life. While she stirred up emotions and you reacted, be relieved you got to say a few things to her that so many of us wish we couid say to the AP in our lives.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 5/17/2019 12:34 PM

All I remember hearing her say was 4 years...

Just remember Dear Lady...there was also something YOU said that SHE remembers and is trying her hardest to get it out of HER head. I am sure that seeing your FWS coming to YOUR aid while you were laying it all out on her made her feel like the adultery co-conspirator in MY case told my H...in HER words...and with all caps...she felt like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY. Yep...THAT is what is running through HER mind now!!

You did it!!! You got the confrontation over with...and you survived !!! GOOD for you!!!

MamaDragon posted 5/17/2019 12:59 PM

Don't be hard on yourself for your outburst. Honestly, she deserved it.

I have to admit I was pretty awful to my WHs AP - and I've embarrassed her at work several times bc of what she did.

She made the choice to have an affair with a married man, she needed to see the devastation and hear the mean things you said.

*hugs*

crazyblindsided posted 5/17/2019 13:24 PM

Go easy on yourself. I would have been a lot worse. I plastered MOW's info on a cheaters website and she found out about it when she was looking for a job

This is exactly how traumatic infidelity is. WS have no idea the amount of trauma they inflict.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 1:25 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

ButterflyBeauty posted 5/17/2019 13:29 PM

Thank you all so much for your support. It helps to know that there are people who really ďGET ITĒ and understand! I appreciate all of your insight.

I have to be honest, after the incident with the AP, I directed my rage at my WH. I couldnít vent and express everything to her so I unleashed it on him.
To answer Stevesnís questions. I could see my H was mortified, he was in a panic. As it was happening he was calm and only focused on calming me down. He didnít look at or even acknowledge her.
When we got home, I was quiet and trying to process all that had just happened. I think he was on the ďfreezeĒ phase. He was empathetic and kept apologizing but I exploded. It ended up with me hitting him.
I was 100% in the wrong and not proud that I did that. But in my anger my reaction was - now you have to live with that, like I have to live with all that you did to me! After that, WH still tried to be calm and comfort me but I wouldnít have it. I was inconsolable. We are both doing our best working through it.

I realize it wasnít just coming face to face with her. It was also the painful reminder of WHís whole other world existing that I was unaware of. It is taking me back to the place when I first found out and asked WH ďwho are youĒ? The feelings of not knowing who is really is or what is really true have resurfaced and Iím struggling with it. While I may know or understand some things, itís still shocking and hard to reconcile in my heart.
DDAY my entire life exploded and was turned upside down. My entire reality was shattered. Since then my entire faith has been tested.
How i see people in general is changed. I donít trust like I used to. Infidelity has changed me. I know that people do bad things. It is extremely upsetting to know that people exist who donít care or feel any remorse for the lives they destroy and pain they cause. It is infuriating to know some are so callous and cruel that they are proud and enjoy the pain they bring to others.

I am doing my best to move forward and not think about it so much. Just another blip, now Iím picking myself up dusting myself off and trying to move on.
Thank you all again for reading the long post. Itís good not to feel alone.

Stevesn posted 5/20/2019 22:46 PM

Sometimes after getting all that out in a big explosion like that you can then leave it all behind as a heaping mess for someone else to clean up. And then start moving forward feeling like youíve done what you needed and donít have to do that again.

Only time will tell.

Are you in IC? This may be something to explore there.

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