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Kids have disowned him

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Root posted 5/15/2019 10:11 AM

One kid (16) wonít talk to him at all. Sheís done. One (13) only sees him when she wants something (he knows). She sees him every few weeks. Heís completely miserable. Heís lost most of his family. Heís done with me so I guess they are collateral damage. These are teens and there is no reasoning with them. Itís sad. He sent a nice text and I hoped heíd go to counseling (he said he might for reasons). Nope. He took today off to see his attorney. I donít know this for sure but strong evidence supports that.

Iím loving my DBT class. They stress radical acceptance. I have to accept this. I realize Iím going to be okay. Was up till midnight hanging out with my kids and had a great time. Was thinking Iíll happily sign the divorce papers. Iíve gotten so much closer to my kids and if this is my path Iíll take it.

homewrecked2011 posted 5/15/2019 10:15 AM

They need to know the truth of why he left.
I had to go 2 weeks an outpatient basis to a mental health facility when I found out my H cheated.

Encourage them to be understanding that heís in trauma currently.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:58 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

Soledad posted 5/15/2019 10:33 AM

Itís sad that kids have be exposed to all this stress and facing painful realities of ďrealĒ life when they are supposed to be kids....

I struggle with how to talk to my DD of 13 because she cannot be easily duped or manipulated. Teens of today have access to so much information and they are not naive.... so itís always an argument for which I just do not have answers to OR have been told I cannot discuss anything with her! Itís a system that does not reflect real practicalities of life and being a parent.

And itís hard for me to say anything positive about her dad because it always turns into her calling me a liar! No one has been able to give her anything more than ďheís your dad so you need to have a relationship with your dad for your benefit.Ē She doesnít take too well to that statement.....

lieshurt posted 5/15/2019 10:34 AM

Do your kids know about your affair? Do they know the reason why he's decided to divorce?

Adaira posted 5/15/2019 10:34 AM

Itís been like six weeks and you all are still in the thick of it, adjusting to the new normal. Everybodyís feelings are still all over the place. What your kids have decided today may change tomorrow.

barcher144 posted 5/15/2019 11:09 AM

I have two almost totally different responses...

One kid (16) wonít talk to him at all. Sheís done. One (13) only sees him when she wants something (he knows). She sees him every few weeks. Heís completely miserable. Heís lost most of his family. Heís done with me so I guess they are collateral damage. These are teens and there is no reasoning with them. Itís sad. He sent a nice text and I hoped heíd go to counseling (he said he might for reasons). Nope. He took today off to see his attorney. I donít know this for sure but strong evidence supports that.

Was up till midnight hanging out with my kids and had a great time. Was thinking Iíll happily sign the divorce papers. Iíve gotten so much closer to my kids and if this is my path Iíll take it.

I think that you need to walk a fine line here. You want to support your kids and their decisions as far as their father. However, I think that you should also subtly encourage them to rebuild their relationship with their father if you can. You can let them know that you are also responsible for the demise of the marriage (i.e., you can 'out' yourself). Teach your kids to forgive their father.

In short, be a great parent within the context of this situation. It sounds like you are, so far, by strengthening your relationship with your kids right now.

Iím loving my DBT class. They stress radical acceptance. I have to accept this. I realize Iím going to be okay.

Excellent! Keep it up! Remember, though, that DBT is a marathon, not a sprint. You have a lot of class ahead of you and it takes a lot of work sustained over a long period of time.


Curious9 posted 5/15/2019 11:38 AM

Do your kids know about your affair? Do they know the reason why he's decided to divorce?

They need to know the full truth. If they are left to believe something that is based on lies it will damage them for years to come.

I hope the OP herself will sit them down with her husband and be honest with them.

Reading threads like these are just as heartbreaking as the JFO ones.

crazyblindsided posted 5/15/2019 11:47 AM

What are their reasons for this drastic viewpoint?

ibonnie posted 5/15/2019 12:34 PM

Disowned is a pretty serious way to view it. I would hope that they're just really upset right now, processing everything, and that they're aware of your role in all of this, so they don't view you as the martyr that was left by their father for no discernible reason.

LivingWithPain posted 5/15/2019 15:46 PM

why are your kids pissed at their dad?

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 3:46 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

stubbornft posted 5/15/2019 16:12 PM

Root your posts lately are so disappointing. I have commented on many of your posts and have really been wanting to encourage you.

You seem almost giddy that your kids are pissed at their dad. And havenít you posted before that they have had issues with you? They are teens. They are going to be moody shits because that is what teens do. Add on to that the pending divorce and you better buckle in for a roller coaster ride.

You keep saying they are teens and you canít make them talk to their dad. True - however - it is your duty as their mother to guide them. THEY ARE NOT ADULTS. Teens are NOT adults. You need to understand that ASAP. Unless their dad is abusive it is in their best interest to have a relationship with him. And yes, you have a responsibility to guide them in this way. You want (and should have) child support. Why do you need that? Because the kids arenít done being raised. They arenít done being raised, man. Donít act like you have zero control. Encourage them to talk to their dad.

Why do you keep posting new posts without answering the questions asked?

Root, I am bummed. You need to do better.

Kalma posted 5/15/2019 17:35 PM

I don't know you very well, but I have read all your posts Root, and silently hoped for the best for you. And my impression lately seems to be that you need some help. I don't think you would want your bs to encourage your kids to cut you, the cause of the divorce, off. Maybe show him some empathy, and encourage it in your shared kids? Your bs is in pain you cannot imagine, and you encouraging your kids to cut him off is beyond unhealthy. And thats not even digging into you keeping your kids up until midnight to hang out on a school night.

Please, I am concerned for you, and hope you can move forward with ending your marriage in a healthy way for everyone. You have more power to influence your kids than you know. Please use it for good.

HellFire posted 5/15/2019 18:10 PM

IIRC, the kids know about the affair.

I've asked several times how you respond to the kids when they say negative things about their father. You have yet to respond.

I've told you I was rooting for you. But, I admit, your last several threads have changed my mind,at least somewhat.

You are obviously very pleased that the kids have taken sides. Your side. You are doing nothing to encourage them to be patient with their father,because he is in pain due to YOUR affairs and the abuse you have put him AND those kids through. And I'm not talking about the abuse of the affair. I'm talking about the emotional and verbal abuse.

You have turned this into a mom versus dad thing. They get mad at him,and you like it. After all,you've never been happier, right?

I know some will see me as being too harsh with you. I'm ok with that. Your husband may not be handling this separation perfectly. Maybe he hasn't been honest with the kids because he is having trouble figuring out how to talk to them about his pain. But you aren't handling this situation correctly either. It may not be your job to fix the relationship with their father. But it is your job to help your children understand that dad loves them, and may just need some time. To teach them empathy. To encourage forgiveness.

You have been very clear that you are angry he finally had enough abuse and actually left. You're mad he was being nice. Mad he wasn't being mean. Mad he was offering to mow the yard. Mad because he wasnt acting happier,because,after all, he finally did what he said he would do. He left. People tried to tell you he didn't leave because he wanted to. He left because he had to. A person can only tolerate so much abuse.

You need to stop being so happy that your children are turning their back on their father. They are in pain. Something you don't seem to see. Or want to see.

ibonnie posted 5/15/2019 18:44 PM

You need to stop being so happy that your children are turning their back on their father. They are in pain. Something you don't seem to see. Or want to see.

Yeah... when you say stuff like this:

Was up till midnight hanging out with my kids and had a great time. Was thinking Iíll happily sign the divorce papers. Iíve gotten so much closer to my kids and if this is my path Iíll take it.

It sounds like you're gloating/reveling in being the "fun parent" and enjoying the fact that your kids have "disowned" (which, again, I think is a really extreme way to put it -- I'm hoping they're really just upset and processing everything, and not being encouraged to forgo a relationship with their father the rest of their lives) your BH.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 5/15/2019 19:50 PM

I think it's sad that you are the wayward and seem to find joy in the fact that your kids are blaming your BH. you blew up everyone's life and now sitting back and reveling in the destruction. I don't believe you aren't guiding your kid's feelings in some way, probably snarky remarks about him leaving, have you told them why he left? that you basically pushed him out.

Bigheart2018 posted 5/15/2019 19:51 PM

I donít think Root is causing the separation of her kids and husband. I think the kids may think their father has abandoned them. I also donít think Root is encouraging the kids to disown their father. It is my opinion; her Husband is responsible to rebuild the bridge between him and his kids.

HellFire posted 5/15/2019 20:08 PM

I dont think she is causing the problems between the children, and their father.

I do think she is enjoying it. Based on all of her threads over the last year,or so.

Yes, he is responsible for the relationship with his kids.

She can help the children by showing empathy, maybe explain he is hurting, and might be having trouble expressing himself. That maybe he needs some time. It's been weeks. Not long at all. And encourage them to not give up on their father. Not enjoy the fact that they are mad at him..because she is mad at him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:09 PM, May 15th (Wednesday)]

ff4152 posted 5/15/2019 20:58 PM

Personally, I donít think Root is enjoying the discourse between her children and their father. I think she is giddy because it sounds like she is getting her mental issues under control. She feels more in control of herself and her life. As a result, her relationship with her kids is improving. Why shouldnít she be happy about that?

BraveSirRobin posted 5/15/2019 22:35 PM

My concern (and I don't know a great deal about BPD, just what I've read in your threads) is that you have traditionally had an enormous need for support and attention from your BH, and your response when unable to access that connection has been to lash out. You have been pressuring him to go to MC because your new meds are working so well for you, and you can't understand why he doesn't want to try again now that you're back on track. He's refused, so now your narrative is that that's fine, bring on the papers, you have your kids and things have never been better between you. My worry is that you may be substituting the attention and validation you're getting from your kids for the attention/validation you aren't getting from BH. If so, that's a really unhealthy dynamic that could be fraught with damage to everyone down the line.

I remember reading a post where you were really angry at your daughters for having plans and not keeping you updated. They're teens, and this honeymoon phase won't last. They're going to get pissed at you and reject you because that's what teens do, especially if you cut off indulgences like playtime till midnight on school nights. They may try to reconnect with BH to play you off each other or get under your skin. Will you be ready for that? Will they be ready if you have a setback, and they suddenly need the father they've been rejecting?

Please think in terms of the long term here. Having a relationship with BH is important for the kids in many ways, and I agree with the posters who think you're feeling schadenfreude at their rejection of him. What will you want him to do and say if, down the line, you're the one they don't want to see or speak to?

Carissima posted 5/16/2019 02:49 AM

My concern is I don't think you're emotionally stable yet. You continually start new threads, you're up for divorcing, you're not, your husband's the best, he's keeping you in poverty. You've got this thread where you'll happily sign the divorce papers and simultaneously in Wayward you've got one about second chances and divorce!
Please realise that while you're all over the place you're taking your children with you. Thus can't be healthy for them.
I agree that you seem to be taking some pleasure they seem to be taking your side. I would caution you, that may not last, it has been proven that children like to punish the stable parent, the reliable one. Are you fully prepared for when your children start acting out?

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