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Finally posting after lurking

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Pearlyo posted 5/13/2019 12:16 PM

Quick background....Been married for 15 years and together for 20. Up until about 3 years ago, everything was fine and no issues at all with both of us. We started having financial problems and since then we have gone through more than what I believe a normal couple should ever go through. From possible foreclosure to several health issues, we have managed to pull through just about everything and still ahead of the game. Since the start of this year, It seemed as though life was finally giving us a break and sunny skies were ahead. WS started classes again to work towards her degree and I was getting my career straightened out and working on my health. The kids seemed to have a pep to their steps and was moving along greatly with their school.

fast forward to 4 weeks ago.... things seemed a bit off with WS. From coming home late and not letting me know to the slowly but increasing secrecy of her phone. Lots of little things I noticed but nothing too far out of the ordinary for me to question things. I'll never forget the day I knew something had to be happening. WS said she was going to meet up with her group to finish working on their project for class. WS called and said they were getting something to eat and wouldn't be late. This was at 7pm. WS didn't walk through the door till 12:45am. Came in and was acting so guilty and defensive. I asked a few questions but I let it go. My heart was sinking because I knew something was not right. The next day, WS said she wanted to step out to the gas station and get a snack before she did some more work on her project. Came back 45 minutes later with one of the most guiltiest faces I've ever seen. Typical trip to the gas station should only take 10 minutes at most. There was one time WS said "I'll be home in 5 minutes. Just got off the exit" but wouldn't walk through the door until 45 minutes had passed. At this point, I knew something was happening and just confronted her when she got home from classes. It only took about 10 minutes of questioning before admitting it. WS said all the normal things. ILYBINILWY was the first. Went on and on about being unhappy for years and love for me stopped a long time ago. Blamed me for all the fights. Finding this site made me laugh a bit because of all the things i read that a WS would say.

Theres alot more I haven't written here but one thing I do know is WS had a drinking problem during the last few years. At first it was fine because of the overwhelming stress we both had but then it spilled over to outside of evening hours. It was the source of many fights at the time. WS has been sober for only a few months and struggling. Trying to be supportive on that and dealing with the A, I'm not sure where my head is at. I'm not excusing it but A can definitely be a result of coping with being sober. Not sure how to move forward from here. WS has promised to seek IC for herself and start attending AA for the drinking. I'm not confident any of it is being followed through. WS maintains she so so stressed and doesn't have time to argue with me. Living literally like a drifter, staying with different friends. Other friends lending cars so she would have a means to get around. I initially kicked WS out of the house for a while. I've been on the fence about how to help her but then I'll let my anger take over because of the stupidity going on right now. Trying to stand my ground and stay with the tough love but..... really confused. Anybody else been in this awkward scenario? I recently started IC to just help me get through this. Moire details I left out because this post would be way too long if I did.

Dismayed2012 posted 5/13/2019 12:36 PM

It sounds like you're doing the best you can given your situation. Your wife mentally left the marriage, cheated, and is blaming you. Standard cheater behaviors.

I'd recommend that you don't allow her back until your 100% sure that she's not going to continue her reckless choices, she gets a clean STD test, she's actually in AA and has proof, she owns her choices and is no longer blaming you or the universe for her choices, she's not screwing other guys, she's fully committed to R and you have proof, and finally and most importantly, you've decided that you even want her back. At this point you owe her nothing. She chose her path without considering the impact on you or even her kids.

Living with someone who's prone to addiction (and a cheater on top of it), can be a painful, drama-filled, unhealthy life. Take some time for yourself to decide if you want to continue down the road with your addiction prone WW. Is this really what you want for you life? She's given you a way out of the drama. You would do well to ponder whether life without her would be better for you and for the kids. Consider all of your options and remember that you are the prize. Make choices that make your life and your future better and less drama-filled. Take care of yourself.

Marz posted 5/13/2019 12:50 PM

Lots of excuses. None of them good or matter.

Cheating is a very conscious decision she made and all the excuses are nothing more than self justification for her acts.

You're in the same marriage. She has flaws imperfections, etc.

Did that cause you to cheat?

Wake up to reality

Marz posted 5/13/2019 12:52 PM

First off just because you know doesn't mean it's ended. Many make this mistake.

If her other man is married you're be wise to inform his wife without warning.

Helping hide their affair can just enable it further.

NoOptTo posted 5/13/2019 16:10 PM

I am glad that you are in IC to deal with the betrayal of your WW on top of everything else you and your family have been going through. Your children need one stable parent. You have become that parent by default. Please reassure them that they were not they are not in any way a cause in you and your WW being separated right now. Children have an uncanny sense to think that they did something to break up the family. Keep reassuring them that both you and mom love them. Mom just needs time to get her act together before you allow her back in the family home.

You have drawn your line in the sand of what you will tolerate in your marriage. You have chosen to value yourself over her cheating lies which is a good teaching point to relay to your children in time. You want them to grow up having values, morals, compassion, respect, etc.

As for you, you can only control yourself. No matter how much you love your WW, she is the only one that can change herself. All you can do is set your boundries on what you will accept from her. I would start by seeing a lawyer to at least learn your rights if you choose in the future to file for D, divorce. Knowledge is power. You want to know what your expectations, responsibilities, and obligations will be if you choose to end your marriage. Next I would start monitoring your bank accounts. See what WW is spending family funds on. I would separate half your shared funds so she can not take the money and run. Also monitor your credit rating.

If things continue to deteriorate, is she on your cell phone plan, then cancel her phone. You dont have to fund her poor behavior.

There will be more people to come along n offer advice. Wish you well .

totallydumb posted 5/13/2019 21:54 PM

Pearlyo,

I feel for you my friend. I was in a similar situation with my first wife. She also blamed her drinking among other excuses for her infidelity. I was stupid, I played into it and tried to "rescue" her. It is called Knight In Shining Armour (KISA). I endured another several years of affairs. At one point after I gave her the boot out (one of many) she shacked up with a couple of AA members. She told me they were female and helping her.... I later found out they were both male, and I bet you can guess what kind of help they were.

Don't be like I was.....

Pearlyo posted 5/13/2019 22:56 PM

Thanks for the responses everyone. It felt good to actually put things in writing. I know the cheating hasnít stopped and I announced it on social media so her friends and family would know. It wasnít something Iím proud of but it sure felt good for a bit. To show her family I wasnít an absolute jerk, I invited her to dinner tonight since the kids wanted to see her. Took them all out had a nice time and took them home. I wanted to see if anything changed with her so I asked if she would step outside for a few minutes to talk. I told her Iím literally in the middle of cleaning the house out and purging. I asked if she needed anything while she ďcontinues figuring things outĒ. She gave me a list.... 😂. She hasnít changed and seems a bit worse off then before. Instantly started crying and telling me she has a disease and she needs help but doesnít want the pressure I give her if she came home. I literally yelled WTF!?!? And burst out in absolute hysterical laughter. I was so floored I gave her a few bucks for her efforts in the denial of it all. Told her Iím cleaning out the walk in closet and taking it over. She find her clothe stacked in

Pearlyo posted 5/13/2019 23:14 PM

Thanks for the responses everyone. It felt good to actually put things in writing. I know the cheating hasnít stopped and I announced it on social media so her friends and family would know. It wasnít something Iím proud of but it sure felt good for a bit. To show her family I wasnít an absolute jerk, I invited her to dinner tonight since the kids wanted to see her. Took them all out had a nice time and took them home. I wanted to see if anything changed with her so I asked if she would step outside for a few minutes to talk. I told her Iím literally in the middle of cleaning the house out and purging. I asked if she needed anything while she ďcontinues figuring things outĒ. She gave me a list.... 😂. She hasnít changed and seems a bit worse off then before. Instantly started crying and telling me she has a disease and she needs help but doesnít want the pressure I give her if she came home. I literally yelled WTF!?!? And burst out in absolute hysterical laughter. I was so floored I gave her a few bucks for her efforts in the denial of it all. Told her Iím cleaning out the walk in closet and taking it over. Let her know her clothe would be in stacked boxes by the front door for easy access but only when the kids arenít around. Iím still hurting but thereís more anger now with a hint of sadness for her. Feel bad a person can sink to this level. Iíve decided to have some fun with it now since Iím paying all the bills. I pay for it all so no harm done if she drops from our lives. We have never shared accounts in anyway. Something we just did from the beginning Iím starting to see a new light and itís me being happy. Me and my two beautiful ďdaddyís girlsĒ have a lot to look forward to. Still early and unsure about a lot but having less hurt inside gives me the strength I need to keep moving forward because apparently the hurt does start to fade.

Rustylife posted 5/13/2019 23:52 PM

Seems like you've done just about everything that should be done. Only thing left is to inform the other man's spouse if he's not single. You are on the right path.

Listen,she has made no indication that she makes it want to work. She's unwilling to face you and try to better herself so she'd rather continue on her destructive path. Maybe it's the mythical fog, maybe it's something else. Not for you to figure out. She's in an active affair. You should prepare yourself for divorce and moving on. Focus on your health and the kids. Find a counselor for them and yourself to deal with the separation. Stay strong.

Marz posted 5/14/2019 00:23 AM

Instantly started crying and telling me she has a disease and she needs help but doesnít want the pressure I give her if she came home.

So now cheating is a disease? Like herpes or an STD?

I think this is a first.

You need a hard 180. Read up

Inviting her to dinner is kinda rewarding her for her actions.
Never feed a cake eater. They'll just want more cake.

Buster123 posted 5/14/2019 06:48 AM

I'm glad you're getting stronger, "continue to figure things out" is code for "continue cheating" but of course you know this. I agree with Marz, do not invite her to dinner or any other social activity as a family anymore, instead go find a pitbull D attorney and have her served at work without warning, D can be stopped at anytime, she will have until D is final to convince you that she's a safe partner, for that you need to demand some conditions going forward: NC FOREVER with AP and everyone who knew about the A, offers full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices, written timeline of the A with all the details you need, she needs to get tested for STDs (you should too), she needs to agree to sign a postnup (no alimony/spousal support and she doesn't touch your retirement/pension) in your favor in case she cheats again, she needs to commit to intense IC to find out her "whys", however all this means nothing if she doesn't show true remorse (not just regret), you cannot R successfully with an unremorseful WW.

Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time and the collective wisdom of SI may help you navigate this awful situation.

BBBD posted 5/14/2019 07:51 AM

Youíre on the right path. WS is playing the victim role. Donít fall for that trap.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/14/2019 08:19 AM

Living with someone who's prone to addiction (and a cheater on top of it), can be a painful, drama-filled, unhealthy life.

No truer words have ever been spoken. I will also say this: In my opinion, until the addiction of drinking gets under control, the affair related behavior is secondary and will likely continue off and on as it is available. Having had the distinct "pleasure" of living with someone who was an addict (went to jail several times in the process) and now being with someone who has had an affair, the addictive nature of drugs/alcohol make it impossible for anything regarding real life to be addressed.

I'm NOT telling you the affair(s) aren't a big deal - they are - but they will not magically resolve while a substance abuse problem exists, and unfortunately the substance abuse problem will override everything and the affairs will be yet another "escape" from life. They go hand in hand and the road will be long and tough regardless of whether or not you ever R with her as getting drunk will be an excuse to have a (in her mind) blameless affair, and the affair guilt will lead to more substance abuse blah blah blah. People in these situations get into what one of the AL ANON leaders called "fuck it" mode..."my life is so fucked it doesn't matter anyway" etc.

Unfortunately she will have to pull herself back to reality and there isn't a damn thing you can do to "help" her aside from get the heck out of the way and make consequences be real. The substance abuser in my life had to find himself in jail facing a minimum 2 year sentence before he hit his version of rock bottom and decide that wasn't the life he wanted. For some people rock bottom isn't far and for others it seems their pit is deep and endless.

I'm REALLY sorry that you are in this situation - seriously. I was not a "group" attendee but AL ANON really helped ME get myself in a place where I could talk to people who can relate and you will find them there for sure - your situation will not seem so isolating.

TimSC posted 5/14/2019 16:24 PM

What disease does she have?

AIS?

Herpes?

Chlamydia?

Pearlyo posted 5/15/2019 14:04 PM

The disease she is referring to is alcoholism. Like in a previous response, it doesn't excuse the A but the drinking is the bigger problem right now. Either way, It's all a big mess. For the last 2 days i've been ignoring it all and concentrating on what I can control. Kids and myself. Each passing day seems to get easier. I can honestly say the thought of anything involving my wife makes me want to vomit. UGH!

Pearlyo posted 5/19/2019 12:03 PM

Update.....


The initial feelings of shock and gut wrenching betrayal is almost gone. I'm now dealing with anger and frustration on how my WS is dealing with the current situation. How can some just turn their back on all responsibilities and act like teen age girl rebelling against their parents. Its just so amazing to me a person reverts to that. Pretty sure she's had a slip or two on the drinking. It was about a month ago she was at 109 days of being sober. I met her 3 days ago to talk briefly about a few things with the kids. She admitted she hasn't joined AA or made further attempts for IC . To make the situation more complicated for me, her parents have become my parents. They have been my parents for 20 years and have loved me like a son from the beginning. I don't know how to separate it all. My own family is a whole different issue by itself . I'm very close with her parents so it has made the last few weeks very difficult to navigate. Finances are an issue when it comes to the idea of a D. Not even sure if thats something I want but I do want my WS to feel consequences for things so far. I told her I applied for family mediation assistance to help with the marital assets of a divorce. She knows we are not in a place to afford an attorney so this is the only way I can think of to let her know I am dead serious about following through. I could tell she was a bit shocked but still maintained she didn't know what to say. Mentioned she needed to get a full time job to support herself... blah blah blah. She really not registering in her brain what I'm doing??? I've asked her numerous times to come by the house when the kids are at school to sift through some belongings and she refuses. I've stacked a lot in boxes by the door. There are things I need to purge that I can't just box but she will not come and take care of it. What the **** is she stalling for. I'm moving forward with or with out her. The plan before the A was to get the finances in order to save the house....DONE. The next step was to purge all the crap from the last 3-4 years of our lives and start fresh. Well, I don't think I'm begging her for anything bad except to come get the few things taken care of so I can continue the purge. She's got me at a road block. Her parents are not happy at all and has been encouraging me to keep moving forward with what I'm doing but not sure how to deal with her refusal. What else can I do to get her eyes open enough to get the **** out of my way? I realize it hasn't been that long since the A was exposed but I'm just frustrated. Maybe I need to be more patient? I don't know.... any feedback is appreciated.

Notmine posted 5/19/2019 12:52 PM

Hi - Alcoholic here, 21 years sober.
Addicts live in denial. It's what they do and who they are. This is what you are seeing. Move the boxes to her parents' house and move on. You will most probably need to make the decisions going forward. You cannot expect her to make rational decisions or show up for her responsibilities. She is showing you that she is not capable of this. You are doing the right thing by not enabling her behavior. She has not done the things she needs to do to get and stay sober.....just a matter of time before she is back in bottom of a bottle, if she is not already. It is healthy for you and the kids to maintain your relationship with the grandparents...as long as they are supportive. Sounds like they are. All addicts need to hit bottom before they will reach out for help. This is only something they can do themselves, no matter how much the people in their lives try to assist. The more negative results that occur from her drinking, the closer she gets to her bottom and sobriety....although many, many people do not ever get there and/or maintain it. You and your kids need to be out of the chaos and destruction the active disease causes. Make sure your kids are supervised (perhaps by grandparents) when they are with her so she is not under the influence when caring for them.

Marz posted 5/19/2019 13:13 PM

She admitted she hasn't joined AA or made further attempts for IC

She's done nothing to fix herself. So nothing's changed.

Which means you could get a repeat of what you've already gotten.

Look after yourself and the kids.

totallydumb posted 5/19/2019 13:26 PM

Dealing with her belongings...Ö

This is what I did with SO's belongings when she did not show up to deal with it.

I rented a storage locker in her name and paid for one month. I put all her stuff in it, put a cheap lock on it and then contacted her. Gave her the locker number and location, explained her stuff was there and that one month was paid for. Told her the key was under my mat at the front door of my house (I had previously changed the locks so she had no access to my home).

After about a week the key disappeared from under my mat, I don't know if she went and got her stuff or not.

Not my problem anymore!

Pearlyo posted 5/19/2019 14:09 PM

No need for supervision since she hasn't spent time with the kids. The few times she did was during her short pit stops at the house to gather fresh clothes to last a few days. Taking her things to her parents house is a great idea. Don't know why I hadn't thought of that before. I did think of a storage locker but didn't want to spend the resources on it. Its not expensive but the thought of moving it to a storage unit on top of packing it and paying for it myself puts a bad taste in my mouth. I've been looking at the different D related information for where I live and it looks like I don't have much choice except to keep moving forward and just take it a day at a time. It's just not financially possible to go through a separation or divorce given our situation. House is saved but there's no room for anything else. I guess if anybody is going through a rebuilding period and manages to pull through, the last thing expected is a bomb like this to be put into the mix. Life continues to show me its never easy. Looks like the best thing for me to do is the 180. Atleast that will put me in a better place no matter what happens

[This message edited by Pearlyo at 2:15 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

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