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new marriage fails

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Neversummer posted 5/13/2019 11:16 AM

please forgive my rambling style, im just going stream of consciousness...
backstory: I just got married and two weeks in i get laid off. We were slated to buy a house in Costa Rica, closing on July 3. I couldnt be there because of work but she could. She was going without me.
Last weekend she gets mad because i couldnt pick her up at a yoga class, she had a mild asthma attack and when she called me I couldnt hear her because i was up near our house (we live in the hills near Boulder CO and have bad service). by the time i got home and in range and called back she said she was :"fine" and was going out with her friend (and two guys from yoga i found out later who just happened to go at the same bar)...fast forward to tuesday , the day after losing my job. She is out with her friends celebrating the sale of her home and I needed to use her computer to send out resumes since work took mine when i got laid off.I log in and her text messages are sitting there. I never go through her stuff because I trusted her. the text is right there: Her friend says "oh that guy was a test last night (adds two flame emojis i guess he was hot)" . she replies "yeah he texted me sunday. uffda (her norwegian word for 'whoa baby') . now im thinking its these guys from yoga. Nope. while she was out with her single friend she meets a guy and apparently they are hitting it off. He gets her to text him her phone number. She starts texting him back and forth. He says "i almost missed my flight and would have had to stay with you" she replies "well, no worries. July 4th! Costa Rica!"
that killed me right there. I put the pieces together. Ok, you talk to this guy and he says hes a big surfer, she tells him she is buying a place in Costa Rica and he should come and stay with her. When i confront her about it she just sits there stone cold. Doesnt deny it but says "I dont know why i did that, i would never follow through with it"

Now I am gone and she is making excuses like A. you werent there for me when i needed you and i was mad at you to B. it was PTSD from my surgery to C. It was depression. i was clinically depressed for years before i met you and never told you about how bad it was nor my suicide attempt with a gun ten years ago" .
Two weeks. no kids. just own a house together. Went to therapy with her once and the therapist said she needs help on her own. I want to move on and get divorced asap but i am not a quitter. What to do?

Curious9 posted 5/13/2019 11:19 AM

Your not quitting. She is the one that quit you. Your continuing to take care of you. Get the divorce and don't look back. Don't let her manipulate you into staying.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/13/2019 11:22 AM

You've only been married 2 weeks and she's already doing this?! No kids = get out fast! Don't waste more of your life on her. She's broken.

All of her excuses are just that, excuses. The therapist is right. She needs IC.

ChangeMaker posted 5/13/2019 11:34 AM

You're not a quitter? I know there is a part of you that feels like you failed, but you didn't - she did.

You have been given a gift. She's shown you early on who/what she really is... pay attention. Get out now, with relatively little effect on your life, and build a new one.

Maybe she'll do the same. Maybe she won't.

Look around here at the number of people who are married for DECADES after the first transgression by their spouses. Read how terrible it is trying to untie (after the cheater cheats again and again) when there are kids and many years of entanglement to deal with.

You are supposed to be in honeymoon mode. If she cheated on you at this point, I don't believe she can turn some miraculous leaf that makes her a safe partner.

Imagine one of your friends telling you this story about themselves. What would you tell him to do? Do that.

[This message edited by ChangeMaker at 11:36 AM, May 13th (Monday)]

GoldenR posted 5/13/2019 11:35 AM

Get out of this sham of a marriage with this sham of a wife ASAFP.

Neversummer posted 5/13/2019 11:36 AM

thank you all for your immediate and thoughtful input. I cannot be more grateful.

Bladerunner2054 posted 5/13/2019 11:42 AM

Run for your life. Better to find out now than 5 or 10 years down the road.

Wish her well with surfer dude.

Dismayed2012 posted 5/13/2019 11:54 AM

Sorry about your situation Neversummer.

She quit on you. Or maybe she never started in the first place. In any case, you have the opportunity to save yourself from future pain and suffering by having the marriage annulled today. Don't tell her what you're doing, don't question yourself, don't hesitate, don't second guess. Just do it and do it now. If she sweet talks you or love bombs you into marrying her later then more power to you as long as you have an iron-clad pre-nuptial agreement in place but right now there's never going to be a better moment in time to free yourself from very likely a regretful life with a horrendous woman.

And as far as the house, in some places you have 30 days to back out after closing. If that's the case then do it. If it's not the case then you can either just walk away or you can take one of your names off of the agreement. A lawyer would know better than I what your options are. The important thing is that you untangle yourself from her in every way.

You are the prize. Save yourself just like you'd save your best friend if he were in the same situation. You are your own best friend. Take care of yourself.

PS: And she just revealed a history of clinical depression. I don't think you realize how much suffering that will bring to your life with her blaming her purposefully bad choices on her 'depression'. That alone is reason to get away from her as quickly as humanly possible. And a suicide attempt? Holy shit. I can only hope that you're physically running away from her while reading this.

[This message edited by Dismayed2012 at 12:05 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

hatefulnow posted 5/13/2019 12:52 PM

2 weeks in? Really? You know what to do. PULL...THE...TRIGGER!

Jduff posted 5/13/2019 13:33 PM

Her friend says "oh that guy was a test last night (adds two flame emojis i guess he was hot)" . she replies "yeah he texted me sunday. uffda (her norwegian word for 'whoa baby') . now im thinking its these guys from yoga. Nope. while she was out with her single friend she meets a guy and apparently they are hitting it off. He gets her to text him her phone number. She starts texting him back and forth. He says "i almost missed my flight and would have had to stay with you" she replies "well, no worries. July 4th! Costa Rica!"


Sounds like to me she was having more fun instead of being angry at you for "not being there" for her as she claims. In fact, Neversummer, she sounded like she couldn't wait to find excuses to cheat on you. She is seriously not right in the head and the heart for you. I would cancel the purchase of the home and look into having the marriage annulled given its only 2 weeks long.

MickeyBill2016 posted 5/13/2019 14:06 PM

"When i confront her about it she just sits there stone cold. Doesnt deny it but says "I dont know why i did that, i would never follow through with it"

Sorry Neversummer, but it looks like she gave you a delayed wedding present. Maybe she forgot that she was a newlywed and not supposed to be picking up surfer dudes in bars. If she had gone thru with it or not is unprovable because she was caught
And now dumping the depression and suicide attempt on you...

Sell the house, you may take a small loss but well worth getting out now. Can you annul the marriage?

fareast posted 5/13/2019 14:20 PM

Sorry Neversummer but you have been given a gift of seeing what your future would look like. Please see an attorney and end this M quickly.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:25 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

annanew posted 5/13/2019 15:25 PM

I want to move on and get divorced asap but i am not a quitter.

You need two people to make a marriage succeed. One person can't make a marriage work just by refusing to quit.

Another way to look at it is by "quitting" this attempt, you are persisting in your quest for an authentic, open, and true marriage. This one is not it. If you don't close this door, you are preventing a better one from opening.

Fail fast, as they say in silicon valley. :)

steadychevy posted 5/13/2019 15:30 PM

Neversummer, I don't know the difference legally between annulment and divorce. I suggest you get info for both and end this as quick as possible. As others have said, this was a gift. Much easier to deal with now than with a mortgage, other financial dealings and children. End it with a great big sigh of relief.

rugswept posted 5/13/2019 15:32 PM

she has NO boundaries. NONE.
so she's off to yoga class with guys, etc.
you've seen how they dress @ yoga class. those guys really like it.

and now she has this surfer date set up?

you've been married a few weeks???? WTF??

i haven't got anything to add that the others haven't already said. seems like you have a very simple decision to make.

in some strange way, you might want to feel fortunate for you found out so early on what she appears to be. is this really the person you thought you married? out there, looking hot in yoga pants, with hot guys and surfer boyfriends.

please, you sound like a good decent person. do yourself a favor and end this. many, many young women will want you and they won't do this to you.

Unbroken78 posted 5/13/2019 17:26 PM

If you stay, you know what she will do.


You have a choice to make.


Make it, knowing fully what the results will be for either choice.


She is who she has shown you.

iamweasel posted 5/13/2019 17:37 PM

At least she failed you quickly. Show her the door and don't look back.
You'll find someone who actually loves you down the road.

RocketRaccoon posted 5/13/2019 22:44 PM

I want to move on and get divorced asap but i am not a quitter.

Whats wrong with being quitter? Knowing when to quit is being smart, and you should quit this 'relationship'.

Cancel or postpone the purchase of the Costa Rican property, as it will serve as a shag pad for your WW. D first, then buy the property. That would be the smart move.

If you do decide to go the the R pathway, then there will be a lot of work your WW will have to do to make YOU feel safe with her. Full transparency, getting rid of her toxic friends, and no more mixed gender yoga classes, to name a few.

All in all, the R path would not do you any favours on the long run. At two weeks in a M, as others have posted, you should be on your honeymoon phase. She is not ready for M.

heartbroken_kk posted 5/13/2019 23:09 PM

What a shock, you wouldn't have married her if this had happened a month ago!

I agree you have to get out of this sham of a marriage immediately. Go get yourself lawyered up, and file, do it right away. Your lawyer can help you sort out the home ownership issues. Obviously don't be buying a house in Costa Rica with this slunt.

The therapist is right, she needs help on her own. Do not, repeat, DO NOT go to marriage counselling. Just don't.

If you want therapy, get help with your own individual counselor who can help you process this and get through it. You may also be able to benefit with counseling with respect to the added bummer of job loss and getting your head in the game of getting work.

Mene posted 5/14/2019 08:10 AM

No children. Run while you can.

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