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First and Onlies

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Wool94 posted 5/13/2019 05:23 AM

Bftg , what do your beliefs and faith tell you?

Hippo16 posted 5/13/2019 07:58 AM

I concur w/Ms SirRobin:

I'll add that there is one thing that is totally foreign to me as a person who hasn't had a new sex partner since I was basically a teenager (the A started when I was 19). I read a thread in New Beginnings about how crass it is to inquire about your partner's sexual history. The response seemed pretty universal that you have no business even asking. Since BH and I got together as young teens and needed to know all details of each other's As, we literally know everything about each other's sexual history. The idea of being in a serious relationship where you have no idea how many partners your SO has had, let alone any details about them, just blew my mind. That's one way in which I see how weird our situation is compared to most people our age. If either of us ended up back in the dating market, it would be one hell of a mental adjustment to accept that our partner's prior sex life was none of our business.

2nd wife has two offspring by 1st (now dead from drugs) husband. Had several IBFs before we got together. My reputation preceded our get together so she knows more than enough about my past.
Doesn't care to know more and same for me about her. No regrets about NOT being first and only for each other. Actually glad because we both admit we were both ignorant amateurs 50 years ago.

Neither of us regret not being first and only and we both think had that been the case we would have found each other "unbearable" and divorced. Having experienced life - we have known for decades that marriage is give and take - and we both believe they the other "puts up with more."

Going back to the "not first and only" question:
How would you inquire about whether or not your "t o be" is HSV carrier and/or HPV likely to be also? Seems to me that is as close as you can get to "Asking about previous sexual experience."

(Skipping over the toilet seat jokes)

Butforthegrace posted 5/13/2019 09:01 AM

Wool, I believe (and have counselled both of my kids) that people should experience at least a few sexual/romantic partners before getting married. I think marrying somebody who one meets and falls in love with while young, immature, and inexperienced increases the odds that something will go wrong later in the marriage. Certainly some of those marriages work out, and I realize it was common among older generations.

That said, I'm intrigued by comments such as MannishDad about cultural differences on these topics. Our Western culture does not scorn or frown upon premarital sex. We accept it as a normal activity.

Some cultures do. I was talking with the wife about this. The conversation came up in the context of talking about one of our kids, who dumped a 1-year relationship with a person whom the wife and I felt was ideal for our child, and then started dating some "arm candy" who to us seems a poor fit for our child. We were discussing the merit of cultures where parents choose the mate for the child. I think there is some merit in that, and I think the likelihood of "first and onlies" working out long terms would be improved if the parents were the ones who made the choice.

There is a slight TJ going on here about asking a NEW romantic partner about his/her sexual past. Most people accept the idea that, for a new sexual partner, the inquiry should extend only to physical health/safety. "Any STD's?"

However, I do believe that at the other end, if/when partners are considering moving to a committed long-term monogamous relationship, it is healthy and advisable for each to discuss his/her sexual history, for a number of interrelated reasons.

brokendancer7 posted 5/13/2019 15:28 PM

FWH and I were each other's first and onlies. He still is mine, but he's had at least 2 PAs, so I'm no longer his. We met young and have always been incredibly close. It's been the hardest part of R for me. If I'd known our marriage was open, I'd have liked to have that experience too. That would have been fair.

I couldn't have children, but if I had, I'd have advised them to live a little before they got married. There's plenty of time to be exclusive after you're committed. I feel stunted and immature now. There's a whole part of life I've never experienced, and because I'm not a cheater, I never will. It makes me feel sad, somehow, and alone.

MamaDragon posted 5/13/2019 15:31 PM

I am so glad that my Wh and I were not firsties and onlies.

I think if we were, I would not have been able to reconcile. I can't imagine how difficult and disappointing it would be to find out that we were not on the same page. I imagine I'd probably mad hatter it -

You guys that are still able to say that - You rock.

betrayalbrokeme posted 5/13/2019 15:42 PM

H was/is my first and only. I'm clearly not his. It does add a layer of pain because I can't understand the sex vs lovemaking thing, because I've only ever been with him and I was in love with him since before the first time. I can't imagine being with anyone other than him. I can't imagine wanting to be.

That being said, I don't regret not having 'sewed wild oats' before hand- I don't think the fact that I was innocent before him decreased our chances for marital success. I wasn't his first, and he was the one that cheated. Would he still have strayed if I'd been his first and only? Maybe. Maybe not.

Not really sure what my point is here. I guess that I don't think that the reason the marriage ends up in trouble is because of being first and onlies. I think it's more because something in one of the partners is broken.

solo posted 5/14/2019 08:52 AM

Considering I havenít strayed an inch in 25 years of marriage, and have never remotely considered it, itís definitely possible for it to work.
Unfortunately, she didnít share my enthusiasm for fidelity.

Breakaway posted 5/14/2019 09:06 AM

Considering where everyone is right now, I'm not sure this is a good call-out.

My WH and I were each other's first and only, and I never strayed in our relationship. He did. It's the same as every other story on here. Maybe being a first and only makes things harder, but cheating is still a choice.

BeingheldbyJesus posted 5/16/2019 14:48 PM

I didn't care to sow wild oats. I am a Christian and that just isn't biblical anyway. I guess my WH wasn't satisfied only having me. He ruined all that we had just to see what having sex with someone else was like. Hope it was worth it for him.

I hope I find someone who feels the same way about it as I do. Surely there are men that do. I would have loved to have given myself to someone who believed as I do rather than the liar who ruined it all for a whore. I am angry that I cannot prove that first and onlies can have long-term marital success. It was one of my dreams.

Cheatee posted 5/16/2019 15:03 PM

My first marriage, we got married when we were 22. She cheated on me after six years. We divorced.

My recent marriage, we got married when we were 37 and 34. She cheated on me after 19 years. We divorced.

Based on my tiny sample size, I don't think age at marriage is a factor.

BeingheldbyJesus posted 5/16/2019 15:07 PM

For those who weren't first and onlies, you still got cheated on.... How does it really have anything to do with it except for how much harder it is to get over?

What about those who have had a lot of partners, should the sex part of the affair matter?.... If your spouse had lots of sex with others before marriage, why would it bother you that they chose to have sex with someone else? I would think someone who was used to having sex with others before marriage would be more likely to cheat than someone who didn't because sex would just be sex....

I don't believe that first and onlies should be picked on.

My WH and I were together for 8 years before we married. We were married 24 years before he decided to cheat. He was just a bad person who couldn't keep his vows. He lied to me for a long time and then the whore came along at the wrong time and he chose to betray me. If I had been first and onlies with someone else, I might not be here. It's all about the type of person we married, not whether or not we had lots of sex with others before marriage.

layla1234 posted 5/16/2019 15:59 PM

I really don't think it matters. I was WH's first, but he wasn't mine. It was an issue 4 years before we married where he broke up with me to "see what else was out there". I shut it down and told him he better not think he can go and date other girls and expect me to be waiting for him. The breakup lasted all of 2 days and he came begging for another chance. We married and I very shortly regretted it. I didn't think I had married the right person for me as he just refused to grow up and be an adult. I expressed this to him right before we tried for our first child. He assured me his party days were over and he was ready to be a father. Newsflash: he wasn't. Something he admits to me now 6 years later. Long story short, he had a supposed EA with a newlywed coworker. I suspect it was more and that I will never find out because he knows that would be a deal breaker for me and I would divorce him. He took away something I most cherished in our relationship and I will never get it back again. It's devastating.

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