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Playing games for control

Jaysbeaker posted 5/11/2019 16:29 PM

Hi All,

I’ve been lurking a while and posted something a while. Sick related to a relationship my wife had with a man who she met at a beekeeping class and was assigned as her mentor.

She did not choose the mentor, however he started the relationship in a professional manner and it quickly turned unprofessional when my wife had asked for a new mentor because he wasn’t helping her with some new bee hives.

She was met with some “typos” allegedly (his words) from autocorrect errors when my wife asked about feeding the bees supplemental pollen. He autocorrected “panties” for “patties” and they both laughed it off. Much later in their feeding conversation he brought up in conversation that he thought she mentioned that she didn’t wear underwear. This was the first instance of her remembering him getting overt with her and she brushed it off with a “you must be thinking of someone else”. After that they stopped texting each other until my wife had another beekeeping question. It was professional for a while, then he stared to complement her by letting her know she was “the most interesting bee buddy he’s had”. She fell for the flattery hook line and sinker.

She enjoyed texting with him about beekeeping, he enjoyed offering innuendo and banter where’s my wife would push back. For example, he started talking about him liking to keep his hands busy, she told him to buy a fidget spinner.

At one point he started talking about naked beekeeping, and she didn’t reply in a overt manner but did reply with innuendo in return. She claims there wasn’t any meaning behind it. For example, the man was commenting if you’re naked where would you keep your smoker, my wife asked where would you keep your hive tool, which is a flat crowbar looking thing for opening hives. Some time later she reached out to him to let him know she was referring a family friend to their next beekeeping class. She playfully asked if she got a T-shirt or money for the referral. He replied back with an overt comment directed at her that said “no, but I get to lick honey off your naked body”. My wife responded immediately with a virtual slap in the face to tell him to stay in his lane.

This sort of thing went on for a couple months. My wife claims she enjoyed pushing back on him. She admits she likes the power and control and used his overtness to take control of their text conversations.

Where I’m still not believing this whole thing is while she didn’t keep it a secret she was texting this guy, she did keep the fact that their subject matter was inappropriate and that she had feelings in that of liking the attention from him and her pushing back on their conversations.

Where I get caught up is the fact that their conversations included playful banter, innuendo, and feelings that she enjoyed his personality. That it was fun, to match wits, and that they shared a similar personality.

They had one opportunity to meet face to face that I knew of as she asked if It was okay. They met at a farm where he kept hives. Their text exchange in prep for that showed that she had asked if he was going to need a chaperone. She claims she asked that because she didn’t want to have to deal with his overtness.

I feel like there’s more to this story and still not sure what to believe going forward.....

Cooley2here posted 5/11/2019 16:47 PM

The man is a predator. She needs to answer why she didn’t shut him down ASAP. Ask her to look at how she would feel if the situation was reversed.
She can get all the answers on the internet. I would insist she find another group.

Jaysbeaker posted 5/11/2019 17:47 PM

I my haste to post, I forgot to mention, my wife ended this relationship in October of 2017. It seemed that when my wife would push back the man made it seem like it was her fault he was getting I trouble. She realized what she was doing was wrong and ended it on October 1, 2017 with no contact since.

Marz posted 5/11/2019 17:58 PM

In reading both your threads it doesn't sound like there was anything more. Although there is no way to know for sure.

The OM maybe predatory but your wife has no boundaries.

Hopefully you've both learned from this.

You should both sit down and read "Not Just Friends" by Glass

survrus posted 5/11/2019 20:42 PM


Go and speak with the OMs wife.

Take your WW for a polygraph.

JimmyB posted 5/13/2019 08:08 AM

WS's will deny as much as possible however that doesn't necessary mean there was more. Maybe there was maybe not however she definitely crossed the line and that fact is significant. Each step in an A gets easier after initially crossing the first line. My wife had a similar EA with an old BF from HS. They texted and occasionally talked on the phone for 7 years. I recovered enough of the texts to see the sexual banter and innuendos, mostly started by him but she definitely responded in a way to keep it going. She claimed it was mostly friendly and somewhat annoying. I asked her what she got out of it and she said she got something from having someone chase her. Obviously that's power and control, the same as your W. She was in fact, manipulating him to give herself the opportunity to exert the power and control she craved. She needs to figure out exactly why she needs that feeling, why she would willingly cross the line for it as well as why she would willingly manipulate him for it. She certainly has boundary issues. If he's married, I would tell his wife, she deserves to know who she's married to.

Stevesn posted 5/13/2019 08:26 AM

Did you ever start MC like you mentioned last year? If so how is that going?

You should buy and both read the book: “Not Just Friends”.

She needs to work on her boundaries and transparency.

Jaysbeaker posted 5/16/2019 06:55 AM

@Jimmy B and Stevesn,

I’ve finally found someone who can relate (somewhat) to my exact situation. My wife stated that her boundaries were weak, however she states that she did have a boundary with regard to explicit comments directed her way, and any physical contact, the notion of physical contact wasn’t even under consideration (her words). She fully admits she enjoyed the attention from him but felt that when it went overt is when she’d push back or disregard his comments and feel powerful in doing it. She would bait him to say something so she could shut him down. At one point in their exchanges, he wasn’t responding to her beekeeping questions so she stooped to his level and reached out with a comment indicating she’d sell her first born for a scalp and neck massage. I can see in recovered texts the pattern of baiting and controlling, as it got his attention, and she started to push back. It’s pretty messed up......

We’ve come a long way over the past 11 months, and early on I learned we both felt differently about our marriage and each other. I felt that we had our ups and downs, she on the other hand felt that I didn’t like her or that I didn’t want to be in the relationship any longer. Through MC and IC we’ve learned to communicate better and not let assumptions take over for facts and that communication is key.

However for my wife, she fully admits that what she did was all her. She doesn’t point fingers, states she completely understands what damage she’s caused to our relationship.

My wife has self esteem issues. She’s got a couple chronic illnesses that weigh on her often. Couple that with some learned behaviors as a child where she felt couldn’t speak up or face ridicule or worse verbal abuse from her step dad; she had one hell of a child hood.

It doesn’t take away from the fact that regardless she ultimately chose the easy route which was to have this predatory dude land in her lap, and her take full advantage of it. She admits the reason she chose to interact with him is that it was easy compared to having to actually talk to me about how she felt about us and what that conversation would look like.

As for me, I too have learned behaviors. My dad was very loud and as I’ve recently learned, abusive towards me. I took what I learned and applied it to my day to day life as a husband and dad. Combine my behavior with hers and it’s a recipe for disaster.

We’re still in MC, we discuss her infidelity just not as often, and we’re now moving into the underlying reason we got to this point.

pureheartkit posted 5/16/2019 13:43 PM

She liked the attention but that's something she has to find out why. Some women love a guy who's fishing and giving compliments. If you have a partner you should have decided those days are done. If it goes on then the danger of EAs and PAs start. Much better to stop those compliments and texts at the start.

I agree tell this guy's wife he's talking and texting in a fishing way.

Ask your wife to reaffirm her boundaries with you. I am friendly and like to talk so people sometimes try to take advantage. Right at the start I let them know no fishing. None.

Bees are great. Thanks for supporting bees.

Jaysbeaker posted 5/19/2019 17:01 PM

Thanks everyone for the responses.

What kills me about all of this is, from my wife’s perspective she’s saying all the right things, keeping me in the loop where she goes and with who.

From what I can tell she’s kept to the agreed upon boundaries since she ended the relationship with this guy. She’s really doing all the right things but the mere fact that she chose herself and someone else is eating me up alive....

babypuke posted 5/19/2019 18:09 PM

but the mere fact that she chose herself and someone else is eating me up alive....

She is still with you - and does the work - and did not leave you for him or anyone else, try to appreciate that if it helps. Strength brother!

pureheartkit posted 5/19/2019 18:35 PM

Yes it hurts to wonder if someone was more fun in her eyes. It tortures people thinking about it when their partner does even more or it goes on for a long time. You are at the edge of the spectrum. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but it's maybe easier to heal and less details to think about. Find something your wife could be fascinated about and do it together.

I've met my share of liars and many of them are good with banter and compliments. Doesn't make them better. They just use that to go fishing. You have strengths. Don't get stuck wondering if someone's better at x or y or z. Someone's better at something. Someone's younger. Someone's fitter. Someone's richer. Someone's smarter. It's endless.

Your better than him. You don't destructively fish for married women. She knows it.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/19/2019 18:39 PM

Man, I'm pretty detached emotionally from my ex's infidelity but reading a play by play of this shit turns my stomach.

Rustylife posted 5/20/2019 16:02 PM

Where the fuck do these people come from that they have to be told that this kind of covert flirting is not okay when in a relationship? Maybe everyone should start doing this and then blow off the concerns of their partner. Makes me feel like I'm missing out on something.

I remember my XW used to blow a damn gasket if she ever felt that I was too much into texting some girl. Questioning looks, sulking, snooping on the chats etc. And I was never flirty with anyone during our time. A fat lot of good it did me.

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