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8th Antiversary of Dday

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mchercheur posted 5/10/2019 07:45 AM

8 years ago today I found out that my husband of 21+ years, and father of my 4 children,
was having sex with a Slunt who he worked with.
They sat next to each other all day every day at work.
She was 20 years younger than us, divorced with no children.
She flaunted around in tight, low-cut clothes, and, according to WH, “All the guys at work wanted to *do* her.”
WH claimed that she “threw herself” on him.
The A had been going on for several months.
WH had a long list of complaints about me, as reasons why he had an A.

I kicked WH out of the house on Dday, and we were separated for 4 months.
During that time, I continued to work and take care of our 4 children (ages 11-20).
I lost 35 lbs since I could not eat at all. I hated myself.

WH continued to see the Slunt after Dday.
He even told our 20 year old: “Aren’t I entitled to have some happiness?”
He only stopped seeing the Slunt when I went to a lawyer and started D proceedings.

4 months after Dday, I developed a serious health problem
(went temporarily blind in one eye and was put on bedrest---problem later resolved)
and I became so panicked that I asked WH to stay in our house.
From there, we ended up trying to R.

WH continued to work at the same job, claiming that his position was so specialized, and that he had been there for so long,
that he would not be able to find another job that was comparable.
He claimed that he had gotten himself transferred to another part of the building, and only ran into the Slunt occasionally.
They continued to work in the same building for about 4 more years, until she finally moved across the country (she left about 4 years ago).

WH has taken many baby steps, and we are still in MC, after all these years. He has “gotten it” about some things.
But I still don’t know if he is truly remorseful, since he does not share his inner life with me.
(Actually, I am not sure if he has an inner life---I don’t think that he is that introspective-----he mainly thinks about sports.)
I suspect that he would rather not think about his A at all.
We have not talked about what happened in a long time.

I have moved on with MY life---- I went back to school and started a whole new career----one which is much more lucrative
than my previous profession,
just in case he does it again, so that I would be OK, financially, on my own.

Our 30th Wedding Anniversary is fast approaching----what a joke.
I guess WH’s A was a dealbreaker for me, but I stayed for the kids.
R was the right decision for our 4 kids, and they are most important to me.

Are there still wounds? Absolutely. A lot of damage was done and is still not healed.
But, I have not had that gut-wrenching daily pain in a long long time. Now it is just a lingering intermittent depression/anxiety interspersed with “MEH.”

Am I happy? I have moments of happiness. I do feel love for WH and appreciate his company at times.
But I also still have a lot of anger, and I don’t 100% trust him.
I am still waiting for WH to say, of his own volition, “How could I have done that to you?” But WH still has his head buried in the sand.

Would I have been happier if I had left? I don’t know.
I had been married before, for 10 years (no kids). When I found out that my first WH cheated,
I kicked him out, divorced him, and moved to another state.
This time, there were 4 kids to consider.
For me, leaving (like I did in my first marriage) and starting over again was much easier.
I don’t have much hope for relationships anymore---- I would definitely NOT try again with someone new. I think that “true love” does exist, but it is extremely rare.


I don’t know what I would have done if not for this site, and the friends that I have made on this site.
It helps so much to have company on this journey.
SI has truly been a lifesaver for me, and for that I will always be grateful.
I did not find this site until more than a year and a half after Dday, and I still lurk, although I don’t post much these days.
I made some mistakes before I found this site.
Those of you who have found SI earlier are lucky----it will help you immensely.

I hope my story helps someone, and wish us all a lot of luck.

Jimmy1962 posted 5/10/2019 08:16 AM

My wife and I have been married 35 years. I found out 20 months ago of an affair that she had 20 years ago. Hers was a 10 month physical affair.
It is truly amazing how much damage is done by such a thing.

mchercheur posted 5/10/2019 08:45 AM

Hi Jimmy1962,

I am so sorry that you find yourself here.
Have you made any decisions about how to proceed?

You are still relatively early on this journey. You will not always be in this much pain----the pain will subside somewhat with time. Communicating with others who are going through it will help.

Sending you strength.

Rustylife posted 5/10/2019 10:37 AM

Your kids will always be grateful for your sacrifice for their sake. I hope you find your own personal happiness soon.

mchercheur posted 5/10/2019 10:55 AM

Rustylife,
Thank you for saying that----I greatly appreciate it.
As a child, I lost my Mom to cancer. I guess I am trying to give my kids what I did not have.

crazyblindsided posted 5/10/2019 11:05 AM

(((mchercheur))) I can empathize and identify with this. I too stayed for the kids. I also love my WS but not in a passionate can't live without you way. It's definitely 'meh' over here too.

I was never able to recover my feelings for WS after False R. I believe it was a dealbreaker for me as well

mchercheur posted 5/10/2019 11:48 AM

Hi (((crazyblindsided)))
Nice to "see" you!
As you well know, it is a situation with mixed feelings, but in general I accept it and am OK with it. Hope you are OK with yours too.

3kids30years posted 5/10/2019 14:44 PM

Just past 6 years out here, and I have a lot of the same feelings. I stayed for DD (12 at the time) She graduates from HS this year, and I'm not sure where we go from here.

I'm very "meh", I "love" WH, but not sure I "like" him. Our 35rd anniversary was this year (Anniversary is about a month after Dday). I didn't even get him a card. I don't really "feel" married. That marriage is over. We've been in MC for almost 5 years. Took 4 years to get a timeline, 3 years of TT. He still has secrets, but "it's been so long, why do you need to bring that up again". Because I think of it daily.

I'm not the last woman he fell in love with. I'm just here. Ouch.

Not sure what the future holds, I'm too old to start over, and I think I'd miss him. Trust is gone, and will not come back. I now know what he is capable of.

Sorry for the thread jack - and nice to "see" you :)

mchercheur posted 5/10/2019 16:03 PM

Hi 3kids30years, Nice to "see" you too!
Yes, there are a few of us in similar shoes here.
But even if I knew, 8 years ago, what I know now, I would still proceed the same way. I guess that deep down I still have hopes of true R---- but I can't do the work for him, I can only work on myself.

I stayed for DD (12 at the time) She graduates from HS this year, and I'm not sure where we go from here
I understand. I decided to stay until our youngest graduated from HS and then re-evaluate. We passed that marker in time and then other events came. Last summer our oldest got married and I was so happy for our kids that they had an intact family at that event. Next we have a college graduation, and I am glad for our kids that we will be going to that as an intact family.


"it's been so long, why do you need to bring that up again". Because I think of it daily.
^^^^Exactly.
It is not that gut-wrenching daily pain, but it is still there.

I doubt if WH will bring it up today, even though he has to remember that today is our Antiversary since it is also his mother's birthday, and he had to move in with her on her birthday 8 years ago. Does he not realize how much it would mean to me for him to say "Thank you for giving me another chance." Nope, he is probably just thinking about tonight's game.

Sending you strength (((3kids30years)))

MalibuBayBreeze posted 5/10/2019 23:28 PM

I have moved on with MY life---- I went back to school and started a whole new career----one which is much more lucrative
than my previous profession,
just in case he does it again, so that I would be OK, financially, on my own.

((((mchercheur))))
This is great! It must feel somewhat empowering to have that weight off your shoulders knowing you would be set financially. I hope to say the same, just as a back up plan because you never know.

Thanks for the update and congrats on the new career!

cantaccept posted 5/11/2019 05:36 AM

mchercheur, Nice to "see" you.

I think when it comes to betrayal, whether we divorce or reconcile, it is just so painfully hard.
We will always carry some scars.

With R though, if the betrayer does not really invest, is not going above and beyond to repair the damage, I cannot even imagine how that would feel.

In a way I was lucky. The x was pretty clear about who he was and would always remain. It made my decisions pretty easy.

If I recall correctly, we are about the same age. Life can be sweet again. Don't let fear stop you from doing what is best for you. Your kids are grown now, perhaps it is time for you.

(((mchercheur)))

The1stWife posted 5/11/2019 06:35 AM

Why do people in their 50s feel like they are “too old to start over”.

Not in my book. I’m in my 50s during his last Affair and had no trouble facing a Divorce. I had to do it to save my sanity.

Of course I was not looking for a new guy or relationship but that’s just me. I can be happy bring single and doing my own thing. Life has too much to offer and I don’t need validation or joy from a relationship or marriage.

We did end up reconciling. But not for the kids. But because I love him. We have a much better M now. I’m not a doormat any longer.

But I know I can be happy with or without him. He’s not my world any longer. I am. I come first. Not him. Not our marriage. He’s not my soulmate. He’s not my best friend. I have other people who fill those roles - more than one.

I get sad when I read “too old to start over”. My grandmother was widowed 3x. All great Husbands. Treated her well. Loved them all. She last married in her 70s. And she was very happy and active whether widowed or married.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:36 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

Tallgirl posted 5/11/2019 08:05 AM

Mchercheur, thank you for this post.

You are an admirable woman.

I am asking these questions because it is how I think I would / will be.

Do you resent the fact that you have put everyone else’s needs ahead of yours?

And your xwh essentially got the benefit of that - which he may not of deserved?

Have you forgiven him in a way that is tangible? Is he remorseful?

Do you see your future with him now ? Or is it better the devil you know.

I am in a trial separation because the cheating was impressive and trust is just a word I don’t embrace. I am still very broken. My wH is remorseful, doing some work. Committed for now. I figure we would be in a bad spot again in a few years if I stayed in R. It is his pattern. So I struggle with I haven’t forgiven, not feeling love just history, and I am afraid I would be at this point again in a few years.

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your cantor.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 8:08 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

cancuncrushed posted 5/11/2019 09:24 AM

I remember you...I have been a long time member...and our stories have similiarities…

This week is my 11 dday anniversary...Now married 36 years...I too stayed for my last child to graduate...I will never regret that..He is an engineer now...I am very proud...

WH continued to have bad behavior..HE became chronic alcoholic to point of brain damage...He cheats..or trys to ...he struggles with ED ...takes testosterone and Viagra....He left me, for OW with no hint or conversation.... Als0, 1 year ago, this week...??

Finally....yesterday, after a long battle, he signed the D papers...How strange every bad experience with him, happens this week of the year...its also his birthday....?????

I am doing ok...it is still a roller coaster..his cruelty continues for me...he has zero emotions...This is best...I am surviving...Its hard, and confusing...lots of decisions with no clue what to do...but better is ahead...this waste is over..

I don't regret staying...I feel it was the right thing to do.. WH has left me....I can move on....The decision was always coming after graduation..He made it for us...

The years staying were hard...painful....numb...we never came close to R...HE had zero remorse...and continued....it was a waiting game...I gave him opportunity...I tried...I healed me...I went to therapy...He did nothing but drink and cheat. He stopped seeing specialists....kept stopping meds....

It was also my second marriage....Im not sure about any future relationships....My age will affect that...not to mention my baggage from this nightmare...

There are quite a few single people near me....allin their 60's or older...they are isolated...sad....and accepting...I never noticed them before, or how many...or how they live...every single one is a widow......I have to move soon. I agree with you...leaving soon after dday was much easier then staying....it caused more damage to me, to stay....children and years invested, was the deciding factor.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:40 AM, May 11th (Saturday)]

mchercheur posted 5/11/2019 15:12 PM

Hi (((MBB))),
Thanks---I appreciate it.

I hope to say the same, just as a back up plan because you never know.
Wishing you the best of luck in getting your ducks in a row, as well!


*****************************************


Hi (((cantaccept))),

In a way I was lucky. The x was pretty clear about who he was and would always remain. It made my decisions pretty easy.
Hope things are getting better for you now. Sending you strength.


*******************************************


Hi The1stWife,

Why do people in their 50s feel like they are “too old to start over”.
I am in my 60s. I don't feel too old to start over, I just have had enough.

Not in my book. I’m in my 50s during his last Affair and had no trouble facing a Divorce. I had to do it to save my sanity. Of course I was not looking for a new guy or relationship but that’s just me.I’m not a doormat any longer.
But I know I can be happy with or without him. He’s not my world any longer. I am. I come first. Not him. Not our marriage.
You sound very strong.

I can be happy bring single and doing my own thing. Life has too much to offer and I don’t need validation or joy from a relationship or marriage.
I agree with you.


******************************************


Hi Tallgirl,

I am asking these questions because it is how I think I would / will be.
Do you resent the fact that you have put everyone else’s needs ahead of yours?
When I weigh everything, there was/is more good than bad in staying in my present situation. Many of my needs have been/are being met by staying (for ex: I had the kids with me 100% of the time).

And your xwh essentially got the benefit of that - which he may not of deserved?
True, but that is up to God to resolve.

Have you forgiven him in a way that is tangible?
Yes, but I have not forgotten what happened, and I am aware that he has not done "whatever it takes" to repair the damage.

Is he remorseful?
I don't know.

Do you see your future with him now ? Or is it better the devil you know.
I still don't know. Have not made a final decision yet. Since we decided to try to R, he has not cheated to my knowledge.
I have gotten my ducks in a row so that if he cheats again, I will be prepared next time.

I am in a trial separation because the cheating was impressive and trust is just a word I don’t embrace. I am still very broken. My wH is remorseful, doing some work. Committed for now. I figure we would be in a bad spot again in a few years if I stayed in R. It is his pattern. So I struggle with I haven’t forgiven, not feeling love just history, and I am afraid I would be at this point again in a few years.
The answer for me was to focus on myself and my life--- by going back to school, and reinventing myself.
My identity as part of the old marriage is gone---my WH ended that.
Sending you strength and hugs (((Tallgirl)))


********************************************


Hi (((cancuncrushed))),

WH continued to have bad behavior..HE became chronic alcoholic to point of brain damage...He cheats..or trys to ...he struggles with ED ...takes testosterone and Viagra....He left me, for OW with no hint or conversation...
Finally....yesterday, after a long battle, he signed the D papers
I am doing ok...it is still a roller coaster..his cruelty continues for me...he has zero emotions....I don't regret staying...I feel it was the right thing to do.. WH has left me....I can move on....The decision was always coming after graduation..He made it for us...
I am so sorry that you had to endure ^^^this. At least your path is clear now.

The years staying were hard...painful....numb...we never came close to R...HE had zero remorse...and continued....it was a waiting game...I gave him opportunity...I tried...I healed me...I went to therapy...He did nothing but drink and cheat. He stopped seeing specialists....kept stopping meds....
You did all you could do.

It was also my second marriage....Im not sure about any future relationships....My age will affect that...not to mention my baggage from this nightmare...
I understand.
Wishing us all a lot of luck.

Marz posted 5/11/2019 22:18 PM

R was the right decision for our 4 kids, and they are most important to me.

From your posts you have stayed together but I don't think what you have is R.

mchercheur posted 5/11/2019 22:31 PM

Hi Marz,

You are correct.

jb3199 posted 5/12/2019 01:56 AM

From your posts you have stayed together but I don't think what you have is R.

I'm sure in his mind that the two of you are all reconciled. Clear sailing ahead.

And that's the stinger--he won't (1) truly acknowledge your pain, and own up to the devastation he caused, and (2) like you already stated, won't use any introspection. From what you describe, he's pretty content in his own skin. Apparently, the fact that you don't see him in the same light as you used to does not seem to bother him.

mchercheur posted 5/12/2019 09:53 AM

Hi jb3199,
You are spot on. It takes 2 to truly reconcile.
I have no control over WH, only myself.

rebplay posted 5/12/2019 20:20 PM

I’m glad you posted. I didn’t realize so many felt exactly like I do. Appreciative often of the company, happy for the kids to have an intact family, but just “meh” most of the time. The love lost, not ever completely trusting again, etc. I feel like I settled. But then the thought of starting over doesn’t sound great either. A lot of the time I try to appreciate the good things. But I miss the trust and love and romance. I miss the old confident and happier feelings. Infidelity ruined things for me forever. Don’t know that I could completely trust anyone in a relationship ever again.

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