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Self analysis, seeking advice

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LilBlackCat posted 5/12/2019 23:11 PM

I guess, it's cause "stalking" has such a huge negative stigma behind it.. I just wanted to clarify what I saw and how i saw it.

To add a lil to the story of it all...
There is a mutual friend we have in FB. She recently had gastric band surgery and had posted a pic of herself after 2 weeks and was happy about dropping 2 dress sizes. I, like everyone else, was posting supportive comments and emoji. Well, oddly enough.. Within a minute, after I posted my comment for her.. The woman i was talking with, posted one right after me... Granted it could of been coincidence.. but I then sent her a "Hey what's up" and she responded.. Even though, there was a "Good morning" she had already ignored.

LilBlackCat posted 5/12/2019 23:16 PM

I am really gonna look into the yoga and exercise meetup group. Might even try a cooking meetup group too.

Hiking.. I've been thinking about it.. I feel I've hiked for too many miles when I was in the military. Do they give credit for past hikes?

StillLivin posted 5/13/2019 18:40 PM

Lol I did 21 years worth of road marches, I get you.
Sadly, no. But doing a nature walk is totally different than a forced distance and speed road march! For one, you can put whatever you want in your Camelback, and you only carry what you want to bring vs 40 lbs of dead weight. And you can slow down to enjoy the scenery!

Phantasmagoria posted 5/13/2019 20:05 PM

If one were to believe what one reads on OLD profiles, there must be herds of single/divorced women hiking out there somewhere!

lizgwvet posted 5/14/2019 00:22 AM

US Army 30'years retired, did lots of road marches and other stupid shit.

Going to places you want to go,with positive people, way different.

Lots of single women in my back,packing group, just saying!

AbandonedGuy posted 5/14/2019 00:49 AM

Every woman on the dating apps was into hiking, eating out, movies, and traveling. Maybe I'm cynical, but I can't help but think that I have a very different view on what those things mean.

Superesse posted 5/14/2019 14:22 PM

AbandonedGuy, LOL I hear you. After what I lived through, any man who would list travelling on his dating profile, would scare me. I guess I am happy where I choose to live, but somehow, travel for travel's sake gets old for me, real quick. Maybe because of the year I spent living out of a suitcase on my SAWH's monthly trips of a week-10 days each...spent my time doing nothing important, while he worked at his high profile job.

(To give a glimpse into that lifestyle, in pricey downtown Carmel, California one day, I was hanging out, just window shopping, doing the tourist thing by myself while he worked. In one high-priced jewelry boutique, the experienced salesman was talking to us wives whom he knew were traveling with their pro sports guys at nearby Pebble Beach, and threw out a pitch to splurge on an expensive ring....after all, he said, HE's having HIS good time....he said it to us as a group! It was so true, so tempting, good thing I am not a material girl. Just wanted a faithful husband. Our MC had recommended I go on these road trips with him - to police him.) Made me wonder how many of those wives were there for the same reason I was!

The travelling lifestyle can appear so glamorous, but it is no way to live, I soon found out. Last thing I want is another restless, footloose fellow who craves going OUT and doing the James Bond lifestyle, no matter how impressive he seems! If somene only lives to travel, they ain't gonna be happy, most of the time, right? Is that your assumption, too?

I know when people join some dating services, they are given templates for how to write catchy profiles. Maybe that stuff is considered flash in the pan, and the women choose to highlight things they think most guys want to read?

I.will.survive posted 5/15/2019 05:41 AM

LBC, I feel like adding my two cents here but am unsure I have anything helpful to add!

I just want to voice an agreement (from another woman's perspective) that you are coming across as easily soured on interactions gone wrong...which could look like desperation in person.

I'm not trying to pile on, I just want you to REALLY see it from another perspective because you keep defending HOW your communication went about with this woman. But you're missing how you might have been perceived.

The woman i was talking with, posted one right after me... Granted it could of been coincidence.. but I then sent her a "Hey what's up" and she responded.. Even though, there was a "Good morning" she had already ignored.

For example, you had already reached out to this woman and she didn't respond to you. She posted on a mutual friend's post and you immediately jumped in her messenger and reached out again. At that point, she can't deny she was seen by you online so she responds. But I can guarantee she already saw that Good morning and for whatever reason, wasn't up to answering it.

You have to experience true interest to understand what I'm saying here. You will KNOW the difference when it's easy and you aren't constantly making all the contact moves. The conversation will flow two ways. I don't know how to encourage you to be patient.

I fear that until you learn this, each new activity you choose will come across as you trying to meet someone in order to date them. I fear you will get shunned as "that guy" for coming onto the ladies, sniffing around to see who might be interested. Ouch. That doesn't sound like a nice statement, but I'm trying to get my point across that I wish for you to just be genuinely interested in people. Not trying to date the women.

It will happen. But patience is key here.

LilBlackCat posted 5/15/2019 15:42 PM

I fear that until you learn this, each new activity you choose will come across as you trying to meet someone in order to date them. I fear you will get shunned as "that guy" for coming onto the ladies, sniffing around to see who might be interested. Ouch. That doesn't sound like a nice statement, but I'm trying to get my point across that I wish for you to just be genuinely interested in people. Not trying to date the women.
I am doing my best to not take offense to this.. as I am not a dog, to be sniffing at anything or anyone.

As a guy, generally I will be the initiator of conversation.. Most women I have talked to, say.. that they want a man who is confident and not afraid to approach and show the initial interest and take charge of the situation.

I perceive what you are telling me, with what my eldest son does.. Being autistic, he is generally oblivious to women who be glancing at him and smiling. His mom and I both see it.. but he has no clue and obviously is not ready to date... period.

I do agree, that when a conversation is like pulling teeth.. it's not good.. and some people really suck at it.. regardless of intention..

It's all a gray area. There is no right or wrong.

I also know what it is to see jealousy.. cause when that comment posted after mine.. which I then followed up with reaching out... turned the spotty convo which had me already under the consideration of nexting her.. into an extended convo that lasted from the early evening till about 130 am.. and that's cause I had to pull the plug cause of morning duties I have.

I appreciate your comments, and think I already noted down what to expect and how to react for future instances if this sort of person crosses into my search path..

And a lil food for thought, I knew a guy who was like the one you are mentioning about.. the women shunned him as being a player and just trying to hook up with everyone.. Years after that time, I ran into a female friend and after talking about memories of the past.. and what not.. It turns out that he did in fact hook up with most of those girls.. they just shunned him in and around their friends.. but in private.. they loved the aggressive attention he carried.. I was like, I couldn't believe it.. Wow!!!

Granted, I do not have that kind of confidence or craziness.. but I learned long ago, that things are not always what they seem.. when it comes to people in general.

LoveTKO posted 5/15/2019 15:51 PM

Do you like music? I started going to an open mic night that I had gone to a long time ago when I was separated the first time. I knew people there and just wanted to have fun and not talk about the A. I ended up meeting many new friends male and female and found a new "family". Eventually, after my 2.5 year false R and second final separation working towards D (I was still going during false R - sometimes with STBXWH and sometimes without), I met someone through this new "family". He wasn't a regular but it was nice - I wasn't going in blind. I knew his reputation and friends.

I agree with the others - find something you love - in my case music - and you will already have something in common. Worse case - you meet new friends!

LilBlackCat posted 5/15/2019 16:00 PM

I know I need to hit the night life some.. but I haven't yet gotten enuf interest to go.. I did however find out about a sportsbar that where generally an over 30's crowd tend to be there.. but have yet to go..

Going to place like that alone.. I need to make some friends.. so I can drag them along with me!

Rustylife posted 5/15/2019 16:31 PM

Advising based on your posts
1. Keep it casual. You get too intense too early my man. If she doesn't reply back in a timely manner, don't message again till you see reciprocal interest.

2. Widen your net. If you're in the early stages, don't invest too much emotional energy in a single girl. Online dating/messaging apps gives you the choice to talk with multiple people at once. Trust me, they're doing the same. It'll also help in you not fixating on one particular girl early on.

3. Foster male friendships. It can be coworkers, distant relatives, guys from college etc etc. Socializing with your friends will cure you of your loneliness.

4. Activites to fill up your time. It can be as simple as joining a movie enthusiasts'club. Doesn't have to be strenuous physical activity though sports club/BJJ gyms are awesome to join. Lots of cool people you can meet this way.

Meeting someone isn't the be all end all man. Meeting someone who's right for your present needs is much better. The nightclub suggestion by LoveTKO is great as well.

LilBlackCat posted 5/15/2019 18:28 PM

Yea, being alone for so damn long has not been good to me.. Lol!

I hope to really ramp up my outing time this summer and fall... I really want to end this drought and have that love life I used to enjoy again.

Making new friends will really help.. Something I need to do also.

BobPar posted 5/15/2019 18:36 PM

Dating is about setting and observing boundaries. Boundary training.
You are obviously meeting women who will talk to you. You are learning as you go. Take it easy on yourself. Don't harm anyone, Don't harm yourself and Don't let anyone harm you. You are going to be OK.

Don't worry about your ex. Getting guys versus being able to find a guy who is willing to have a genuine relationship are different. I don't know that the grass is really greener there.

shakentocore posted 5/17/2019 06:49 AM


I would not be surprised that this woman hinted that there was no match and you either didn't pick up on it or refused to believe it.
You seem to have a hard time taking "no" or "I'm not interested" as an answer. You had a prior post where a woman flat out told you she wasn't interested, and you hung around waiting until she was "ready." Then were hurt and angry when she hooked up with someone else. This is a pattern - an inability to let go when there isn't even a relationship.

If you are doing all of the contacting, messaging, following around..... she is not interested. If you text and she doesn't text back... she is not interested. If she always seems to be "busy" and doesn't suggest alternative times... she is not interested.

It may be that this woman isn't even courteous....but many people (men and women) find its easier to just drop a person then to continue if they are not interested and it has only been a date or two. Especially if they have "dropped hints." I'm wondering if you need to develop your ability to interpret social cues.

LilBlackCat posted 5/17/2019 11:40 AM

You had a prior post where a woman flat out told you she wasn't interested
After looking back at that, I have long realized that I was an emotional crutch for her. The middle of the night phone calls.. The "heart" centric emoji that she sould send me, with and without the selfies.. Heck, the daily selfies.. If I pulled away, she would reel me back in. It was her stringing me along as such.

It may be that this woman isn't even courteous
And that is something I think is just a pet peeve with me.. Cause we are still friends on facebook (as we were before any interested interaction) and since then.. she's posted about nexting at least 2 other guys and how she's ain't got time for just anyone and is not willing settle, she's out to make that money.. bla bla bla.. I now see a level of arrogance.. that quite possibly my subconscious picked up on and it created the negative bias that led to me tossing the pointed message of doom. As I cannot stand arrogant people..

It's all a learning process, I agree.. and with like most people, while it's possible hints were tossed out there.. It's a matter of perception as to how they will be interpreted.. Like jokes, not all spoken jokes are funny to everyone's ear.

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