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Self analysis, seeking advice

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LilBlackCat posted 5/9/2019 17:14 PM

After my recent experience, I looked at myself and wonder if I am simply becoming bitter.

As much as I have been on and off looking for someone, nothing sticks..

Like this last one, she was being rude and my looking for basic common courtesy, made me be the bad guy and it was implied that she gets that pass and that I am in the wrong for not liking it.

And it's a trend I have noticed, as a guy.. or maybe it's in my head or simply bad luck.. That I have to walk on eggshells and will likely end up the bad guy for being too aggressive, or expecting too much..

I saw couple all "in love" the other day at the mall who were in line behind me waiting to pay.. they were all goo goo gaga over each other talking their likes and dislikes.. and it bothered me.. cause, I was jealous. point blank.

I was in the elevator the other day and these two women were talking about their boyfriends and how happy they were.. I felt the same jealousy again.

I know that I am not the hottest guy by any means, but I do not think I'm also on the complete opposite side of the spectrum either.

I refuse to allow myself to feel defeated, but it's like a battle I am cannot win.
Like ok, lesson learned and lesson learned... but it's never ending lessons learned..

Marz posted 5/9/2019 17:27 PM

Have you cut off as much conract ad you can with the WW?

That maybe having an effect on you.

Phoenix1 posted 5/9/2019 17:37 PM

LBC, take this with a grain of salt coming from an internet stranger looking in, but I see a couple of things here.

First, I see someone sounding "desperate" to be in a relationship. That may not be the case, but that is how it is coming through. That "desperation" can come through communication to women whether you realize it or not, and it is usually not flattering. This "desperation" (and I keep putting it in quotes as that may not be the situation at all, but is what it appears), accompanied with higher expectations, can also keep you stuck. Again, whether you realize it or not. Those higher expectations may be setting you up for failure.

Two, I wonder if you could benefit from some time off the dating circuit and focusing on just you, doing things you enjoy. You may be surprised by meeting someone organically doing this when you are more relaxed with no expectations.

Now, having said that, there is NOTHING wrong with expecting basic courtesy and having higher expectations. But you need to be prepared to walk away quickly from most encounters because they won't be a match. That is just a fact. The higher the expectations, the fewer you will truly click with. The trick, I believe, is recognizing whether you click or not very early on so you can "next" them right away as opposed to going down a painful path only to realize you put way too much effort into a particular meeting with nothing gained but time lost. That is just reality. You know the old saying for women, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your Prince Charming." Well, that will apply to you if you keep your early on expectations high. Keep them high, but understand how most meetings are not going to be of the lasting kind. It's a numbers game.

I, quite frankly, have very high standards that I won't water down. I'm also at the stage of life where I exude the "get off my damn lawn" attitude. Most people don't find it terribly appealing. Wonder why? Seriously though, I don't care, and I sometimes wonder why my SO sticks with me. Well, actually, I do know. He is in the same "get off my damn lawn" phase so we are well matched. But do you see my point (all joking aside)? We MATCH in our expectations. I just got very lucky meeting him before I had to kiss any other frogs. Pure chance.

Keep your standards, but be willing to play the numbers game without feeling defeated every time you meet someone and it doesn't work out, lower your standards and go in with a more relaxed attitude about it, or step back for a bit.

Anywho, just my two cents.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 5:40 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

LilBlackCat posted 5/9/2019 17:39 PM

Yeah, contact with her has been little to nothing. The only recent contact was the Easter/Bday thing.. but since then, like maybe 1 or 2 texts regarding the kids.

Which I had to scroll way down to find her in my list of text messages from various things I get texts from.

She doesn't really come into mind anymore, as I have done enuf self training to stop comparing my non-existent love life to hers, which has no lack of men seeking her.

LilBlackCat posted 5/9/2019 17:47 PM

Two, I wonder if you could benefit from some time off the dating circuit and focusing on just you, doing things you enjoy. You may be surprised by meeting someone organically doing this when you are more relaxed with no expectations.
I took a good time off from searching, and enjoyed time just being me.. Didn't meet anyone, as most times when I go out and do things.. There's mostly guys around, the few women I run into are around with a guy already.

Granted I do need to get out more than I do already.

When I have gone out to events or what not, the feeling I sense from any women that generally around are already married or taken. Thus I decided to try OLD and FB searching again.

Phoenix1 posted 5/9/2019 17:57 PM

There's mostly guys around

Well, have you thought about taking up a new hobby or learning something where more women would be participating, i.e., upping the odds of meeting someone?

LilBlackCat posted 5/9/2019 18:15 PM

Yeah, what tho?? I have no idea.

Phoenix1 posted 5/9/2019 18:17 PM

Cooking is always a good one!

LilBlackCat posted 5/9/2019 18:37 PM

Gonna look into that.. Maybe I can find a meet up group or something.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/9/2019 18:56 PM

LBC, Yoga. Yoga classes are chalk full of them. Wine clubs. The Mall!

Honestly though, I just commented on your other thread. As a guy to another guy, who also lives in California. There are so many females running around our state you will find one in due time.

The way I see you going about it sounds painful. Its desperation, and its not attractive to any females. Just go about your business, and if you decide to take a Yoga class, take it for fun and to learn Yoga, not with the intent of meeting the next Ms. LBC, b/c chances are, they're going to smell that from a mile away. That is the reason we suggest that you just find things that you like to do, maybe it is Yoga, learn something new, you never know. But the point is to dont go into it thinking that its a search for Ms. LBC, just like so many guys do at bars, looking for that ONS. You go in for you, to have fun, to enjoy yourself. If will be more attractive, and not creepy. If they have their guard up and don't feel safe, you're not going anywhere.

I don't think its bitterness that you are dealing with, its a bit of desperation. YOu'll get there man, there is 18 Million females in California, and of the eligible ones, probably at least 500k (just guessing) in San Diego. Go release yourself and have some fun.

phmh posted 5/9/2019 20:57 PM

I have to agree with others that the way you post suggests desperation to be in a relationship.

Based on your join date, you weren't around when I was single, but I was, for almost 4 years after D-Day (started divorce proceedings within the month). I went on over 60 first dates. Years later, I still have friends begging me to retell stories about some of the strange men I met. All of these first dates led to maybe 2 second dates?

Anyway, what you wrote above, reminds me of me in late 2014/early 2015. I said I was happy being single, but I really wasn't. Even when I was out doing stuff, I always had one eye looking at if there were any single guys around. I'd go off of OLD for a few weeks or even months, but then I'd get right back on. But I'd post here, saying that things were great (and actually believing it), I wasn't desperate, etc.

In Feb 2015, I went on a terrible first date with a man who spoke with an obviously fake British accent and told me he was from Narnia. And he was serious. I still remember that night -- I made sure he wasn't following me home, then deactivated all of my online profiles and called my best friend, telling him he'd have to deal with me being his 3rd, 7th, 11th wheel (he hates throwing dinner parties with odd numbers of people, so he was hoping I'd find someone so he wouldn't have to deal with that anymore.)

But I truly was done dating at that point. I'd go places and not look for guys. I was just really loving life. I made so many friends and had incredible experiences. My mom and I went to Europe. I took trips with friends. I was living life planning to be single forever. My friends kept telling me to quit hanging out with them at the gay bars because I wasn't going to meet anyone, and I kept telling them I didn't care; was't looking to meet anyone and just wanted to be with my friends.

Long story short, after 8 months of glorious and truly happy single living, I met the love of my life -- at a gay bar pub crawl no less! We were both there with groups of friends, neither one of us was looking, yet we hit it off, and it's been 3.5 years of the best relationship I ever could have dreamed of.

It really used to bother me when people told me I'd find someone when I wasn't looking. But as with so many cliches, it's true.

My recommendation is to go off all OLD. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Yoga's an incredible suggestion for the mind and body benefits you get (but healthy women will be able to tell if you're just there to pick up ladies and will run from you, so your pickings would be slim). What do you enjoy doing? I joined a book club, a beer club (met lots of people there I could have dated, but didn't want to make thing uncomfortable if it didn't work out, so I didn't date people). I was already in a running group, but did more group runs as I had the time. Do things because they bring you happiness, not because you think you might meet a lady.

You may be close to healing and not desperate, but you're not fully there yet. Take a few months or a year to find out who you are. I promise it's worth the wait to find a good partner.

Shehawk posted 5/9/2019 21:34 PM

hello LBC

I can only speak for myself but...

I realized that I have a lot of work to do on myself. I need to love myself. I need to know my value. I need to take my time and find the right partner in the future.

Now I do not mean I caused the abuse (and I have said before here that I think infidelity is perhaps the most extreme form of intimate partner violence). Rather I repeatedly did not reject (walk away from/say no to) things that were not in alignment with my better good.

I made myself small in this relationship by doing things like taking care of other people better than I took care of me. (He has much nicer and more clothes than me,forexample.) I accepted behaviors I should not have accepted (like my "missing estranged husband" screaming at me until he spit on me or breaking things like smashing doors, punching walls or throwing and breaking chairs, the windshield of the car with his cell phone etc. or spending all of his time on his phone apparently in hindsight engaged in trolling for, sexting and being in EA and PA with other women, rewriting marital history and flaming me.)

If that kind of thing does not mess with our heads in some way it would be a miracle. So I gotta work on healing me to the point I am not emotionally hemorrhaging and then slowly, carefully and with the right guy heal in a relationship.

Mind you I am in the middle of my missing husband's final "Calvin peeing on" his marriage (left and will only tell me he is on "planet earth" and refusing to sign financial settlement agreement and took both of our marital vehicles, telling people that I am faking being sick when I am above the highest amount positive for Lyme Disease AGAIN. Complete tool stuff like this).

More than anything I need to take my time. I need to take a lot of time with my eyes very wide open to see what kind of people I am letting in my life...friends, future romantic partner prospects and even family. Do what they want and how they treat me align with what I want and how I want to be treated?

I don't know if anything I wrote will be helpful. But all we can share are our experiences. I hope you will find and be able to give the love you want in a beautiful intimate relationship with someone with integrity.


Yes. I am lonely. Yes I am sad. But I won't settle for anything less than heart connected intimacy with someone who has impeccable integrity.

Also my attachment is probably gonna be pretty insecure and anxious after this last 32 year sham of a marriage. I feel panic at even the thought of another man ever touching me so the idea of pda about gave me a panic attack because I have PTSD so bad from the severe betrayal trauma. So any guy I have a future relationship with is gonna need to be securely attached and capable of moving the relationship forward in a positive way. I need to choose carefully.

Shehawk posted 5/9/2019 21:46 PM

ps Pheonix
I agree so much with what you are saying about the pool of people we should consider...


Integrity trumps everything for me so I will next people the first time for lying or cheating. To me character really counts the next time around.

If men were like chameleons and they would turn blue when they lied or something, now that would be helpful and make me feel safer lol
li

WornDown posted 5/10/2019 11:11 AM

Like this last one, she was being rude and my looking for basic common courtesy, made me be the bad guy and it was implied that she gets that pass and that I am in the wrong for not liking it.

Just to clarify:

I wasn't saying you were (completely) in the wrong and she was right.

They way I equate dating is to two new people trying to dance together - Someone is going to get their toes (hopefully inadvertently) stepped on in the beginning.

It comes down to how you (and she) respond to that. Walk away? Get upset? Talk about it calmly?

And it's a trend I have noticed, as a guy.. or maybe it's in my head or simply bad luck.. That I have to walk on eggshells and will likely end up the bad guy for being too aggressive, or expecting too much..

This (eggshells) is precisely why I wasn't going to date after my D (ended up meeting someone great), and when my first relationship ended (turned out she wasn't THAT great), I took last year off.

I just DID not want to HAVE to be absolutely nice (aka, walk on eggshells) for anyone. I also just didn't want to put in the emotional energy of getting interested and then dumped. I just wasn't ready to go in with no expectations, other than the expectation that anyone I met would likely not pan out.

At the end of last year, I put a toe back in, met someone and then it ended two months later. I was done again...until I met someone two days later.

My point is, if you don't feel like trying - don't. Until you do.

LilBlackCat posted 5/10/2019 12:19 PM

I had rescinded the idea of looking till I felt completely sure that I was ok being me. This also included to stop dwelling or comparing my love life to WW's. She has no shortage of men chasing her.. and I eventually got passed that..

I go out and go family things with my kids, movies, gaming (pokemon go), the mall, etc.. pretty often.

but it's when I was out and about and would see couples come into my field of view doing the stuff I like to do.. I was reminded of what could be, if I found someone. So I started looking again.

I do not have any real friends. So going out to a bar alone, really doesn't feel right. There's an American Legion Post not too far from my place.. They be doing things from I see on Facebook. I may start there, and see how it goes.

I like the idea of Yoga, as I know my flexibility sucks.. and I need to work on that alongside my fitness plan.

StillLivin posted 5/11/2019 11:49 AM

So, going from your last thread, expecting someone to return common courtesy does not make you the bad guy. However stalking, investing more interest than is being returned, and then confronting reaks of desperation and can make you look downright scary to a woman. Too intense. Kwim.
Do enjoy yourself. Don't doubt yourself if you have to next someone. Move forward with dating in a more light-hearted approach. Do not invest too much too soon, but do expect basic decency and common courtesy to be reciprocated. If it's not reciprocated, just detach and move forward with grace. Basically it's their loss, so treat it as such.
Lots of ways too meet women, like others have said, yoga, mall, cycling clubs, church and all the functions that go along with it, night classes. You'd be surprised at how many women take a night class, or enroll in a home improvement class at Home Depot.
If you can't approach casual dating casually, then it's time to take another break and just do things you enjoy for a while. Hell, you might even meet someone while on a break who has some of those same interests!

LilBlackCat posted 5/11/2019 14:35 PM

I really want to clarify something.. I wasn't stalking.

In messenger, it tells you if someone is online or how long ago they signed off. Many times I would leave messenger on her chat conversation and when I would unlock my phone it would refresh the online status thing. It even does it sometimes on the main screen where all your conversations are listed.. the lil green dot, or a minutes number.

Also, in my news feed on Facebook.. common friend's posts will show responses from mutual friends without any interaction from me. That's where I would see that's she was actively online also.

StillLivin posted 5/12/2019 12:49 PM

Ok, so I dont mean literally stalking. And maybe you are just one of those people who naturally check everyone's status, so take this with a grain of salt. I do not pay attention to that dot. Not for anyone. In fact, I really dont even notice it. So if you don't normally check for status, but you made it a point to check with her, then you were actively looking to see what she was doing. Again, that's only assuming that you dont check for other people.
But really my point is that you aren't the bad guy for expecting common decency. And if you don't get it, then it's perfectly acceptable to next that person for someone else who does reciprocate that decency. However, confronting and even getting mad was a bit too intense for someone you barely know. It would have been totally understandable for a woman you'd been dating for several months AND was in a committed relationship with. Do you see the difference?
I do commend you for seeking insight and analyzing yourself. That shows you've definitely done some healing. I wouldn't say you're bitter, but you do need to step back and assess why you got that upset. She wasn't that into you, and that's ok. No, she shouldn't have told you one thing and then didn't follow through, but there are going to be some shitty people that you'll encounter. They're everywhere. The trick is to weed through them to the ones whose actions align with their words. Don't waste the emotional negative energy on the wrong ones. Instead, invest the positive energy in the people who deserve that energy from you.

lizgwvet posted 5/12/2019 20:39 PM

Cat,
How about joining a hiking/ backpacking group?

You get out in the lovely outdoors, release endorphins and meet great people.

You may not be the camping type but perhaps you could try this?

lizgwvet posted 5/12/2019 20:39 PM

Cat,
How about joining a hiking/ backpacking group?

You get out in the lovely outdoors, release endorphins and meet great people.

You may not be the camping type but perhaps you could try this?

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