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Coming to terms with reality

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Unwillingdoormat posted 5/15/2019 21:45 PM

With regards to my previous post.
I am in no way saying my W didnít know what she was doing nor did she not have the ability to say no.
I know this. But our marriage wasnít perfect. She wasnít born a cheater no did she think she would but a lot of things happened to get to this. And in no way do I just forgive and forget.

There are hundreds of reasons people cheat and all of them bad.

But it takes 2 to tango.
She knew what she was doing, so did he, he didnít want her for anything else but sex.

Men give the thought of emotion for sex and woman give sex to get emotion.

If I canít believe where human and people make mistakes whatís the point.
I need to find some healing in all this.
And that does not involve hatred.

The1stWife posted 5/16/2019 07:07 AM

Unwilling - time will help you heal. I am 5 years from DDay2.

My H told me on DDay2 he was D me after 25 years of marriage. To be with the much younger single OW.

Yet we recovered. It took him months to convince me to even consider reconciliation. But Iím glad I did.

People make mistakes. I agree with you. Forgivenesses is hard. Very hard.

But you can recover from infidelity. But it takes time, patience and commitment on both sides.

Your wife sounds like she is on the right path.

CincyKid posted 5/16/2019 07:51 AM

3 weeks ago I found more notes and messages. My wife asking why he used her, what it just physical for him.

I don't pop in very often anymore. Traveling all the time between CA and OH and very busy with a new baby at home.

I just read this entire thread and I think the quoted text, quoted from you, is something you're glossing over and definitely shouldn't.

Why do you think your wife was asking him that? The reason is because for her it was NOT just physical. This was no "mistake" on her part. She loved him and wanted to be with him. He was plan A. That's what that question is saying. If he had responded saying it wasn't just physical for him, he loved her and wanted to be with her, she would have replaced you and you'd be here telling the story of how she left you.

Unfortunately for her, fortunate for you, is that blew up on her so she had to scramble for the next best alternative to keep some stability in her life. That would be you...plan B.

I'm sorry if any of that sounds harsh but when she showed you who she was, like this example of her question to him, you should believe her. You are the fallback. She loved him and wanted to be with him. That was no "mistake" on her part that was very deliberate.

Of course now she's going to say whatever it takes to make you think she never had feelings for him and it was all just a big mistake and can we please move on and get back to where we were. I see you trending toward doing that and I promise that will be soul crushing for you in the years to come.

Good luck, my friend. I hope you find happiness.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 9:24 AM, May 16th (Thursday)]

SorrowfulMoon posted 5/16/2019 18:59 PM

A very astute point by CincyKid.

I do recollect, however, that Mrs Walloped was deeply unhappy that she had been lied to and used by her POSUM. However, she never at any point during or after DD, had any intention of leaving Walloped. She showed this immediately on discovery even before she knew what a douche the OM was.

So it is possible that the anger and emotion was about the feeling of being used rather than a question of unrequited love. Also being in the fog would distort her views drastically.

Address this with her by all means but from a position of strength and not despair.

Bigheart2018 posted 5/16/2019 20:18 PM

I concur with Cincy... Excellent post

Marz posted 5/16/2019 21:29 PM

If I canít believe where human and people make mistakes whatís the point

This wasn't a mistake. It was a conscious decision.

It didn't just happen.

I hope you don't set yourself up for round 2. That happens a lot.

faithfulman posted 5/16/2019 23:10 PM

You need to address your wife's behavior, serve her consequences for her actions, and implement iron-clad boundaries for which she knows the repercussions are.


You need to take control. Control is not couples counseling or 7-week marriage courses. That's your wife trying to make her fucking some dude outside of your marriage into both of your fault somehow.

Right now I see a man who desperately wants the marriage he thought he back.

I see a man who desperately wants to believe he has the whole truth.

You don't.

Yes, the other man is a predator.

But there is an old saying: "You can can only con those who want to be conned."

He saw she was ripe for the picking. Everything she did, she wanted to do.

If you still want her, and as your feelings develop, there is a good chance you won't, then you have to be like granite - no bullshit accepted from your wife!

Otherwise you will become a willing doormat.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 11:11 PM, May 16th (Thursday)]

RocketRaccoon posted 5/17/2019 03:40 AM

UWD,

But it takes 2 to tango.
She knew what she was doing, so did he, he didnít want her for anything else but sex.

Men give the thought of emotion for sex and woman give sex to get emotion.

If I canít believe where human and people make mistakes whatís the point.

You don;t have to decide to R or D at the momen, but please stop the justification of her A. You are still in your K(night) I(n) S(hining) A(rmour) mode, and very early into the process. You want to forgive quickly, and hope that everything gets back to 'normal'. Sorry, but you will never get back your old 'normal'. That was destroyed when your WW got a boyfriend.

You want to protect your little precious flower from the big bad world, so must make sure that everyone understands that poor little thing got taken advantage of. Note: she did not do anything she did not want to do. She was not drugged or forced at gunpoint.

What Cincy posted is worth thinking about. The very fact that she asked that question, indicates that she had an emotional attachment, and she is disappointed and feels betrayed that her boyfriend only considered her as a free booty call.

I need to find some healing in all this.
And that does not involve hatred.

You will not heal if you are not told the truth.

Agree that hatred should be avoided, bit do not try and avoid anger, as that will help you heal, and is normal.

Ultimately, you will have the final decision on how your life pans out. You can either start taking control of it, or be a doormat.

TimSC posted 5/17/2019 09:40 AM

Plan A did not work out. She wanted it to work out, but it did not happen. She was heart sick that she failed to get the other guy to love her.

She is now desperate to hold on to Plan B.

GoldenR posted 5/17/2019 11:53 AM

This ^^^^^^^

Had he wanted her to leave you, you'd be a single man right now

Western posted 5/17/2019 12:23 PM

I agree with TimSC, Marz and GoldenR.

You seem to have determined to R too soon.

This WW exposed you to danger and now a stalker unless he is counter-stalking. She has

1) Cheated on you
2) Showed a lack of regard for your hard efforts to support the family
3) Embarrassed you in your community
4) Made you plan B, which shows that your entire life almost got uprooted through her greed.
5) She game OM personal information so this guy could blackmail you
6) She remains a threat to reconnect or cheat again.

I am curious on why you are barreling down to R and truly what consequences has she faced for her actions ?

You blame yourself too much. As much as you keep telling yourself, this isn't on you

Western posted 5/17/2019 12:31 PM

oh I just reviewed again the thread and see where you have three kids. If you didn't have the kids, would your decision be different ?

Keep in mind, she endangered your kids too and what would have happened to your relationship with your kids if this guy had stolen the wife ?

I know this will come out as arguing to break up with her. Maybe, maybe not but in reading your posts, you seem to be frozen into this relationship without the ability to let it go if you wanted to. Trying to understand better

numb&dumb posted 5/17/2019 12:31 PM

I been here a long time and have read thousands of stories. One thing usually sticks out.

The A rarely has anything to do with the BS. Your case is not an exception. It is her character deficit, that she can only address in individual therapy, that allowed her to make these series of choices.

Every M has issues, but not everyone cheats. Therein lies the wisdom many of us have learned here. There is no excuse for having an A. Further you were in the same M as her. Why didn't you cheat too ? Any M issues your W can point to on your side likely have as much to do with her as they do you. Neither of you are going to be able to build a new M using the same broken parts. Fix those parts (yourselves) first.

Marriage counseling is fine. Communication is never a bad thing in my opinion. As long as the two individuals do work individually. You are skipping a very crucial part in all this. No matter the status of your M, You need to heal yourself too. Your W needs healing too. She likely has trouble seeing herself as good person in all of this unless she finds someone else to blame. It is not you, not the M, not even the OM. It is most definitely her. She is broken. She was so desperate for validation that acted in way opposite of who she wants to be ? Was her integrity and character worth the "fake" validation from OM. Propabably not. That is a hard pill to swallow for her. However, she is not a victim here. She is a perpetrator. It sucks, but it is also the truth.

I know you feel some sense of ownership here, but you should not. Your W made a choice, without your input, knowing that you would never agree with it. That is 100% on her.

It is normal and healthy for you address some things you want to change about yourself. You've been given an opportunity to do that with near impunity. As far as the M being a "cause?" Just, no. Don't confuse your ownership of M issues with you owning any part of her choice to cheat. I get you want some say and control in this, but owning things that are not yours to own only give you the illusion of control.

The brutal honest truth is you can't control your W and she can't control you. Everyone has agency to do anything they really want to do. Those choices come with consequences. All choices have consequences.

Your W has made her choice. You have to make yours. Use this for whatever reason you want to pursue. If that is stronger M there is nothing wrong with that. I think you do yourself a disservice if you don't apply the same energy to you as an individual.

When every falls apart we get to choose how we put it back together again. Not everyone takes that opportunity. I am saying don't waste that opportunity. It took me a long time to see that, but let me tell you brother . . .it is awesome when you do.

Western posted 5/17/2019 12:31 PM

and btw I agree with you Unwilling, it takes 2 to tango. This guy is a predator and deserves his as well

Jduff posted 5/17/2019 15:35 PM

I was approached by someone last week who told me out of the blue that my wife and I need to stay clear of the OM. I asked why and he informed me the OM has done the same thing to 2 other families and is a home wrecker, not knowing how he know our situation but he wouldnít tell me more.

And this OM is a school teacher?!?! You might consider finding this guy who knew about your situation, see if he can contact the other two betrayed husbands and all of you meet with the head of the school and expose this sex predator. This OM knows how to "groom" his targets. It doesn't excuse your WW from having stronger boundaries and knowing right from wrong. However, a sexual predator that teaches children in school just make anyone's skin crawl.

HalfTime2017 posted 5/17/2019 16:45 PM

UWD: the others here are giving you advice and you should just take that you see fit. Not all affairs are the same, but many of the ways that the waywards behave after an affair is.

The one thing you should take note of is how long some of the members have been on this board. Review the threads in JFO and General, and there is a theme to them. Often times, members are on this board for yrs b/c it takes a very long time to heal and the support here is excellent. The other theme that you should pay attention to is that often times, the Betrayed spouse that doesn't listen to the folks on this board often find themselves ending up in getting cheated on again at a later date. Just take a look around at how many have multiple D-Days and that should tell you that its always wise to measure twice and cut once.

You don't want to find yourself on here again, under D-Day 2 or D-Day 3. Its not about hate, its about putting boundaries and consequences for your wifes actions that will help you avoid future crap sandwiches. When your child does something bad, i'm sure you punish, ground and teach them to be better. Why not for your wife?

hadji posted 5/19/2019 01:00 AM

And that does not involve hatred.

Well, you have hatred for the OM. The question is, if you hate the predator, why wouldn't you hate the one who stabbed your back equally (or even more)?

The answer is most likely that you want to think that your WW was gullible who let herself to be controlled and that is a lesser crime. The truth however is, when you think that it indicates you believe your wife can be controlled to cheat by the OM and similarly "controlled/persuaded" to not cheat by you.

This is codependency. Understand that your WW has a character deficit and that she is capable of throwing away all of the things that you've built together because she didn't value them - and then you have a new perspective for dealing with your wife's choices. Easier said than done. But being codependent is far more detrimental to you.

Unwillingdoormat posted 5/19/2019 02:05 AM

Ok
So far what I get from most people,
Is thereís something wrong with my wife, she is a cheater always has been and she will always be one .I might as well just give up now get a divorce, leave my kids and find someone better.

So there no chance for healing, no chance to rebuild my marriage and the 10 years of my life have just been a waste of time.

The trust is gone and this can never be repaired.
So I blame her for everything and the pos shit is just some horny dude who got lucky.

Great.

My life is over and Iím the only one who loses.
Forgiveness doesnít exists and my marriage canít be saved.

Unwillingdoormat posted 5/19/2019 02:05 AM

Ok
So far what I get from most people,
Is thereís something wrong with my wife, she is a cheater always has been and she will always be one .I might as well just give up now get a divorce, leave my kids and find someone better.

So there no chance for healing, no chance to rebuild my marriage and the 10 years of my life have just been a waste of time.

The trust is gone and this can never be repaired.
So I blame her for everything and the pos shit is just some horny dude who got lucky.

Great.

My life is over and Iím the only one who loses.
Forgiveness doesnít exists and my marriage canít be saved.

Marz posted 5/19/2019 02:58 AM

Saving your marriage would be mainly up to your wife. She's the one who destroyed it.

From what you've posted she's been lying throughout until the last and has no remorse but maybe regrets getting caught.

Her biggest concern appears to be whether her other man loved her or not. Which probably means she was waiting to make sure before she jumped and also wanted you kept in the dark.

Since fixing the marriage at this point lies mainly with her. What are her capabilities? Can she ever get to remourse and do what it takes to reconcile?

It's totally up to you whether you take a chance or not.

You do know she has the capability to cheat. The risk of a repeat in your current state IMO is high.

You can stay together but what you need for a true R isn't there at this time.

Correct me if I'm wrong here.

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