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Coming to terms with reality

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Unwillingdoormat posted 5/8/2019 15:51 PM

Iím 42 and my life has just been kicked to the curb.
I have 3 beautiful kids and I thought a stable marriage, well stable enough with all the ups and downs.

6 months ago I found out after my younger brothers death that
My Wife was in what was thought and emotional affair with a a guy from the gym. I was told they where friends and he was going through a rough breakup. I later found texts and messages proving different. I ask if she had slept with him and she said no on many occasions my gut told me different. I bumped into the guy in the street who confirmed they where just friends, I believed him heís a good liar.
We went to 2 different Counselors. I thought we wheregetting better. I believed things could work.

3 weeks ago I found more notes and messages. My wife asking why he used her, what it just physical for him.
I then knew the truth Evan though she said stil nothing happened.

Last week she realized the only way to save our marriage was to tell me the honest truth.
She did, I got her to tell me all the details.
Again the wound that took 6 months to heal and lots of trust. And forgiveness was ripped open again.

A huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders but now Iím stuck with the hurt the imagines of the act and I canít shake them itís destroying me I feel my manhood has been stood on my trust destroyed. I love my wife. We are going to a new councilor. I want things to work.

I also see this guy around all the time as heís a school teacher and lives in the area also a bodybuilder.
He keeps telling people heís a good role model and a awesom father it drives my up the wall.

I want revenge deep down as how does he get away Scott free, but Iím not that kind of person. Yes it takes two to tango but he saw someone in need of support and post natal depression and used it to his advantage. His marriage was over and he did the same to me.

Iím hurt, angry and disgusted.
How do I fix myself and the situation.

hadji posted 5/8/2019 16:17 PM

Yes it takes two to tango but he saw someone in need of support and post natal depression and used it to his advantage.

Who made the vows to you on the day of your wedding? Why is it that you paint your wife as a gullible child who is incapable of not making adult decisions?

Focusing most of your anger on AP, and not on your wife will let her off the hook and you'll be trampled all over again. She may not cheat again, but she will never become remorseful either.

What are your wife's actions now?

ramius posted 5/8/2019 16:21 PM

Expose the affair. Or he will be back later. If not with your wife then someone elseís.

Lots of women get post-partum depression. But they donít cheat.

Robert22205https posted 5/8/2019 17:02 PM

I'm sorry you're here. While you are responsible for 50% of your marriage issues, your wife is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat.

Usually the more information you provide the better advice you receive.

For example:

Can you provide us with a timeline of the affair as you understand it developed?

How did you find out?
Why did she cheat?
Where and when did they meet?
Did she have sex with you the same day?
Did the OM dump her?

Have you exposed the affair to anyone else?

Does she work? How old are your kids?
Any history of cheating or flirting?

What has she done to make herself safe for you?
Does she understand the pain she caused you?
Did she go to IC?

What has your MC said?

Cooley2here posted 5/8/2019 17:06 PM

Tell his wife or gf

GoldenR posted 5/8/2019 17:25 PM

I can see that you're attempting to rugsweep and blameshift as you want to put all the blame on him and excuse your wife bc she was vulnerable and suffering from PPD.

She wanted to cheat. She did cheat. It's just that simple.

She made vows to you. He didn't. Yet you're angry at him. I don't get it.

Your wife is a grown adult. She knew what she was doing was wrong. She did it anyway.

PPD does not cause women to cheat.

Buster123 posted 5/8/2019 17:29 PM

Expose to all family and close friends, she needs to apologize to them as well for her huge betrayal, also report OM to the gym and have your WW as the star witness, if she refuses to do it it means she's still defending him.

1) EXPOSE the A with all family and close friends.

2) NC FOREVER letter to OM, one that you approve and watch her hit send (no sweet goodbyes), also anyone who knew about it and/or enabled the A needs to go too, they're not friends of the M.

3) Demand full on demand access to her phone and all electronic devices and passwords, no questions asked.

4) Demand she gets tested for STDs (full panel), you should too, also a pregnancy test my be in order, I would also recommend you DNA your kids just in case this is not her first rodeo, remember she's now a proven cheater and a liar.

5) Consult an attorney to know your legal options and to see what D looks like, at this point you don't know if this is a deal-breaker for you. At a minimum, demand she signs a postnup (no alimony/spousal support and you keep your retirement intact) in your favor in case you end up filing for D because of this or if she cheats again in the future.

6) Forget about MC for now, this is not an M problem, this is an infidelity problem, at this point MC is typically a waste of time and money, she needs intense IC with someone who specializes in infidelity (very important) to find out her "whys".

7) Do not take the blame for this, M problems you own 50/50 but her A was 100% her fault and her decision.

She just told you the truth because you found more evidence, she's not remorseful by a long shot, she was still demanding an explanation from OM about her being used, meaning she wasn't using OM and was serious about their relationship, there's a possibility she could have left you for him, do not rugsweep this or it will comeback to haunt you.

8) Keep posting frequently, this is a crucial moment, others will chime in, the collective wisdom of SI could help you thorugh this difficult situation, we've seen it play out thousands of times here and other foruns.

ChamomileTea posted 5/8/2019 17:43 PM

The most important thing you can do in the "just found out" stage is to engage in really good self-care. That means eating right, sleeping enough, refraining from alcohol, getting some light exercise, and staying hydrated. Betrayal feels crappy enough without getting sick and run down, right? In the left-hand corner, you'll find a yellow box and articles in the Healing Library to get you started. It's wise to schedule an appointment with your doctor for STD testing and to talk about stress management.

You're probably going to have a lot of people recommend to you that you expose the affair to the OM's wife or SO, and you might want to give some consideration to doing that. Yeah, it's uncomfortable and it feels like revenge. You might even be worried that your WW will become angry with you. But... sunshine is the best disinfectant. Four eyes watching for broken contact or a restart of the affair is better than two. And it's just the decent thing to do. If the OM is gaslighting some poor woman who doesn't know she needs STD testing or to watch her back in terms of financial security, it's less revenge against him than it is a kindness to her.

We often have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction in the JFO stage where all we want to do is save the marriage and we can't imagine any other outcome. But healing is a slow process, and as time goes by, we learn more, we deal with the emotional fall-out, and sometimes we find our WS isn't really a good candidate for reconciliation. It can be beneficial to slow down and take our time remaking any commitments. Getting some legal advice can give you the outlook on both scenarios, R or D. Setting down some boundaries can give you insight into whether or not a new normal can be developed.

Boundaries are all about the kind of treatment you're willing to tolerate in order to keep you interested in the recovery process. These usually include things like No Contact with the affair partner and Transparency with phones, emails, and other communications tech. These aren't really rules you lay down for the WS. They're rules about who you'll tolerate in your life. So, it's not really, "you will give me all your passwords" so much as it is "I'm not willing to live my life with a secretive person who needs passwords". It sounds like splitting hairs, but it's an important first step to acknowledging that we can't control other people, only ourselves. And that becomes important as you process the betrayal.

Sorry you had to join us.

Unwillingdoormat posted 5/8/2019 17:49 PM

Yes I understand that it takes 2 to tango,
My wife was broken before I met her due to a past relationship, I tried to be the difference in her life which I was for awhile, we moved countries. Had a family. I focused so much on work I neglected my duties as a husband I can stand up an say that now. She has been on heavy antidepressants last year which I did not understand, we lost a baby and then my brother died I sunk into a hole. She felt neglected lost and in a marriage that was going nowhere and not a part of my problems I was going through. She then started going the the gym to get something to cope with every day stresses. There she met a guy, he paid an interest in her problems and hehad his own they shared stories, secrets, she told him intimate things about us her past, I Evan met him, I was told in the beginning he was happily married with 2 kids of his own.
My wife wanted to feel special again, he paid interest in her life when I did not. Not sure how long this went on with but I confronted him saying please leave my family alone he told me he know how I feel and I I need someone to talk to I can come over to his and have a beer. He told me my wifeís loves me. A few days later he text her saying he has a fight with his ex and really needed help and support, my wife obviously went
They drank they smoked, they hug and then what ever happened happened, she said she felt guilty but went back the next week to see if there was a physical attraction as she was emotionally attracted to him again it happened. Then I caught her and phoned him again he told me lie after lie she ended the pursuits when I said I was walking out. He said he would ghost her. He didnít.

She feels used and she might of thrown away our marriage

Since she has told me the truth everything has changed things have gotten better and she admitted the affair to others.
We both seem to be finally communicating.
The guy in question a few months back made some allegations to the authorities about my wife, which now where being investigated for, he wants us out of the area and to hurt us financially or emotionally.
I believe my wife being honest with me now shows something it will take along time to heal trust or forgive.
She now is going to councling for herself and we are going tomorrow for us.
Yes she knew what she was doing sheís not a child but from talking to others the guy is a true narcissist in every way itís all been a huge wake up call for both of us.

Odonna posted 5/8/2019 17:50 PM

ChamTea: you always give great advice but you should save that one somewhere to copy/paste to newcomers who need so badly to feel like they have some control. Because they really do, and your advice keys into that. Spread it widely.

Wool94 posted 5/8/2019 18:06 PM

Unwillingdoormat


My wife was broken before I met her due to a past relationship, I tried to be the difference in her life which I was for awhile, we moved countries. Had a family. I focused so much on work I neglected my duties as a husband I can stand up an say that now. She has been on heavy antidepressants last year which I did not understand, we lost a baby and then my brother died I sunk into a hole. She felt neglected lost and in a marriage that was going nowhere and not a part of my problems I was going through. She then started going the the gym to get something to cope with every day stresses. There she met a guy, he paid an interest in her problems and hehad his own they shared stories, secrets, she told him intimate things about us her past, I Evan met him, I was told in the beginning he was happily married with 2 kids of his own.†

Let's get this straight right off the bat. You did nothing to cause her to cheat on you. You are an innocent bystander in this nightmare.

I don't care if you were Hitler in the marriage. That's still no excuse to cheat.

There's always the choice of divorce if the marriage is that bad.

Cheating is a cowardly way of handling any situation!

hadji posted 5/8/2019 18:15 PM

UWDM

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and a baby. Those are really huge tragedies. And to top it off, you have this now. I can only say that, it will get better some day.

Now, as to your R you have some immediate concerns to address with regards to your WW's run-ins with the law (I don't know what they are), but I am afraid that the AP will use this to blackmail you from not exposing. If however he has already used it against her, then all you have to do is EXPOSE. This person does not deserve to act smug after how he has manipulated your WW.

Having said that, please do not make any excuses for your WW's affair. Do you want her to understand why she is broken? Then please stop making excuses for the A or cite the circumstances as a reason. If you do that, then you will end up with a WW who will desperately cling on to that. At the end of the day you and her will have effectively rugswept all of this. She needs to do a deep exploration about her issues that makes her vulnerable to predators. Those issues did not arise because of difficult circumstances. They were always there and the circumstances gave a opening for the AP to identify those issues. Not everyone with difficult circumstances go end up having an affair.

You may have contributed to the poor state of the marriage before the affair. But the affair is 100% your WW's fault and not yours at all. Your WW has issues that make her vulnerable for an affair, that need to be addressed. Without accepting this, your WW can never reform.

[This message edited by hadji at 6:29 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 5/8/2019 18:18 PM

Your wife only told you what you could prove.

I would take some time to think this through. Do not offer R upfront.

You can't fix this. That's your first mistake.

What's she done to fix herself and make herself safe for you?

How would you like to go through this again? It happens.

hadji posted 5/8/2019 18:30 PM

Do not offer R upfront.

If only we can make this the banner of the JFO forum.

TheGuy123 posted 5/8/2019 21:04 PM

You need a lawyer....find one that will help you make a case for OM one way or another.
Especially if your old lady is willing to help make a case against this POS!

It really doesn't matter what kind of case you can make against the OM....it's finding a creative lawyer that is willing to phuck with OM and make him go away.

iamweasel posted 5/8/2019 21:08 PM

Your anger should be directed fully at your wife. If her FB were a friend of mine I'd have been pissed at him as well, but he wasn't, I didn't know him from Adam, so there was no reason to be angry at him. He didn't marry me, repeat vows with me, she did He DIDN'T take anything, she GAVE it to him.

TheGuy123 posted 5/8/2019 21:22 PM

I'm guessing here ...but the OM used your old lady and she started stalking him...now the courts are involved???

Well he used a married women and now the husband might have a thing or two to say with the right lawyer????

As a husband you may have some rights of your own. So please get a lawyer ASAP!

Ya it sucks with 3 young kids, but you look out for you and yours...and a consequence your old lady is going to have to face to get rid of OM.

ChamomileTea posted 5/8/2019 21:33 PM

I focused so much on work I neglected my duties as a husband I can stand up an say that now. She has been on heavy antidepressants last year which I did not understand, we lost a baby and then my brother died I sunk into a hole. She felt neglected lost and in a marriage that was going nowhere and not a part of my problems I was going through.

Nothing you did (or did not) do can cause your partner to cheat on you. You can have 50% of the problems in the marriage, but the cheater is 100% responsible for the adultery. And when I say 50%, I mean no more than 50% because our spouses have agency. If we're behaving badly, it's up to them to maintain their own boundaries, just like it's up to us to mind ours. So, let's say you really did check out on her. She has a responsibility to the Marriage to deal with that. It's her 50% to deal with that.

I know it probably seems like we're making a big deal over a small point, but this is something which is going to be important to your healing in the long run and even now, it will help you stiffen your resolve to install and maintain appropriate boundaries.

You didn't do this. She did. And holding her accountable for it is good for BOTH of you. If she is truly remorseful, she needs to EARN your forgiveness and trust. That's her work to do. If she doesn't earn it, the value suffers, no differently than the way a child appreciates an earned dollar more than one which is handed to him by an adoring grandparent. And you both re-build trust as the work is accomplished; more trust from you because you see her changes, and more self-trust for her because she put in the effort of making them.

Marriagesucks posted 5/8/2019 22:08 PM

I also see this guy around all the time as heís a school teacher and lives in the area also a bodybuilder.
He keeps telling people heís a good role model and a awesom father it drives my up the wall.
Why should this 'self made' awesome father get off scot-free? I would inform the school and any one else including (especially) his wife about his scumbag antics. He helped to destroy your marriage and gets to be the schools male role model of the year? Watch the roaches scramble when you expose to the light of day.

Unwillingdoormat posted 5/8/2019 23:29 PM

So many people have said the same thing to me about blame, whoís at fault, choices they made, stop defending a cheater and so on.

Itís a hard pill to swallow when you know there right.
I love her, itís hard to comprehend she would do this or she had it in her too,

I know she knew what she was doing,
I feel like option B
But how do I get back what is lost and can I help her or is it too far gone.

What do I do now, where does one go from here, I donít want a divorce I want to forgive and start again.
How do I do that is it Evan possible.
Does she still love me or only need me.

What does she need to do to fix this.

Real roller coaster ride. Wanna get off it.

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