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I feel lost

Jannet321 posted 5/8/2019 06:46 AM

Yesterday we had another massive argument, I donít know what to do anymore. I feel like im dying from inside out. Slowly vanishing away.
I cannot tell anyone about this. No one knows. I donít know what im gonna do.
Im pregnant and unhappy and ashamed for my life to be like this.
I feel like there is no light in this world and itís just gonna get darker.
I donít enjoy anything. All i do is read about other peopleís problems on the internet and thinking how they got trough that. I need him, not because of money. I need him because I donít know what I would do without him. But i think itís to late. There is no love from his side anymore, we cannot have one proper conversation, arguments all the time and im treated worse that a slave.
We were so happy before. Well not totally as his lies never ended. But i tried so hard to forget and move on and to be happy!
But then we have to go to Dubai. Worse decision ever made. It ruined me. Completely. The people treat you like slave unless you hold British passport. All this one race is better than another disgusts me. I donít even know honestly where my life took so bad turn where is that point i made the mistake to have such horrible life.
Not only now, even before.
Maybe coming to uk was a bad idea. Maybe it just wasnít meant to be for me to be here and as I stayed i creat more bad then good in my life.
Jacob is only thing now keeping me up and still making me hope for a better future. I donít even know what I would do or where i will be in slovakia if I would go back. I have a 15 months old baby plus 9 weeks pregnant. How can i have a happy life for my kids?
My relationship is falling apart.
I donít think it will work and I donít have any money of my own to have a new start. Im kee on reminded by my OH that everything i wear or my son is his as he bought it, even the flat we live in is his, because I donít pay for anything. I just got a small baby. I wanna work and i find one job but my OH donít like it. I feel i am stuck and scared so much.
I was thinking to go to council for help but I donít wanna hurt my OH again. I donít see a way outand thinking of suicidal toughts. Funny because there is no one who would care. Everybody love to tell whatto do but know one is there when i need someone ever. I had my hardest times and who was really there next to me to care about me? Only my OH. And now even he is not here anymore. Wel not his heart is not. His mind either.
I cared for him so much even when he did those horrible things for me. Even tho when I found out about his cheating he got sick and i still looked after him. Even tho he hurt me so much, broke my heart i still love him. I donít think there ever going to be happy ending for me. So i will make sure what kind of ending i will have. Just didnít decided how painful.
No one loves or care for me and probably is my own fault. I never been favourite of my parents. Never been shown the real love. All my life i had to fight just to be treated properly. Money and being born into a wealthy family is everything these days and when i grow i was shown how other can get away with things just because they have the money and power.
Always labelled, always pointed at. Maybe because i never been strong person. Never had strong personality. I had to fight for what I wanted and even for what I deserved to have.
Now i feel empty and shattered.
How can I raisey children like this?
Im not good at anything, everything scares me and frightens me.
Maybe my OH was right. Im useless, uneducated, stupid & good for nothing, nobody wants a person like this not even your own family.
I wish i know what God prepared for me. Maybe more suffering.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/8/2019 07:27 AM

First, it sounds like you could have depression. Please, get professional help. Your babies need you.

I need him because I donít know what I would do without him.

This is a problem. You are too wrapped up in him. You need to find yourself. You would be ok without him. He sounds abusive. Can you take your child and go back home to your family?

Jannet321 posted 5/8/2019 09:04 AM

Thank you for your advice.
I donít know how to tell this to my family.
All i ever wanted was to have a loving man to have a family with. The situation is even more complicated. At least now he is gone for 3 days i can breath and figure out something. My family suppose to come next month for baptism of the little one and I should go with them back to my country for a week or two to visit my rest of the family and friends and introduce my little one. I was thinking to wait until then and probably just stay. Anyway my other half mentioned it not once, not twice why I donít go back to my country. He wants me to have children with him then he tells me yesterday that he donít want family. Then he wants to move to US or Canada and let me raise the kids by myself when this supposed to be mothers and fathers job! Im alone for everything, with the little one 24/7 I donít remember when he helped properly. He plays with him for few minutes then thats it. I have to prepare lunch dinner non stop, without him looking after the little one.
Or if the little one is with him and start crying im getting the WhatsApp messages that my son is crying, as he thinks this baby is not his son even tho the eyes are the same. He is Asian, So the eyes are completely different from europians.
I donít know just feels good finally to get this out of me.

nekonamida posted 5/8/2019 11:55 AM

My family suppose to come next month for baptism of the little one and I should go with them back to my country for a week or two to visit my rest of the family and friends and introduce my little one. I was thinking to wait until then and probably just stay.

This sounds like a good idea. Have you reached out to your family and told them what is happening?

Does he still have citizenship with Slovakia? You might still have options in getting child support. It won't take if he's out of the country but it could cause him a lot of trouble if he were to come back. It would be worth considering and speaking to a lawyer about one day but even if he checks out as a father, at least you don't have to live isolated and miserable because of his bad choices.

sisoon posted 5/8/2019 12:00 PM

Can you get to your doctor? Now looks like a good time to talk about help for depression.

Hold on until your family arrives. Going back to Slovakia sounds like a good plan.

I worked in Malaysia for a while. Yeah, the British expats are a breed apart. I found Aussies, Canadians, New Zealanders, and everybody else tended to be really down to earth (that is, nice to be with). We all just let the Brits be Brits. And even the Brits were nice one-to-one.

burninghouse posted 5/8/2019 12:19 PM

Seems like a good idea to go and be with your family. You need some support right now. Do you have a trusted friend you could call and talk to? Get in to see a doctor and get evaluated for depression asap. A counselor can also help you cope with all you are going through.

Please know you are strong inside, even if you don't see it or feel it right now. Go easy on yourself. Be good to yourself. You are going through a very rough time. Treat yourself with the love and care you and your babies deserve. You will get through this.

He sounds abusive. Don't believe any negativity directed at you - none of that is true. It's all bullshit. You are a good person. Remember that your children need you. Be good to yourself and to them.

Vent here anytime, get it all out. We're here for you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/8/2019 14:57 PM

Staying when you go back with your family sounds like a good idea. You are already raising your child by yourself. Not living with him won't change anything. As a matter of fact, being with your might mean you'll get some help.

cannotforgive posted 5/8/2019 15:46 PM

Janet, you are in turmoil and you need help.

Please consider doing the following:

-tell your family about the situation as you need their support
-make an appointment with a Citizens advice bureau and get advice on how to register with the council for help with a council flat and financial help in case you separate/divorce
-see your GP and ask for any medication that might help you. You seem depressed.
Your husband is treating you badly, not only with the cheating, but with his unhelpful attitude.

You need an advice form a lawyer re separation, custody and payments.

ChamomileTea posted 5/8/2019 21:56 PM

My family suppose to come next month for baptism of the little one and I should go with them back to my country for a week or two to visit my rest of the family and friends and introduce my little one. I was thinking to wait until then and probably just stay.

This sounds like a very good plan, Jannet. Promise yourself that you'll take this trip. Plan for it, and plan to stay as long as it takes to feel better. If you change nothing, nothing changes. And if your WH doesn't make REAL changes, there's no incentive to go back to an unhappy life, right?

Also, have you been checked for postpartum depression? You know, one in seven women suffer from it, and symptoms can go on for as long as three years in some cases. Promise yourself this too... that you'll get a screening.


Jannet321 posted 5/9/2019 15:06 PM

I have been reading a lot through these forums and I decided to talk to him and just say whatís in my mjnd and heart. I told him everything i do i feel and whats going through my mind. How he makes me feel, how simple words can hurt me andhow much help i need and heis not there.
He kept quiet for the first time in months and then admitted that our situation is bad and he thinks he got depression and all his frustration and anger just directed towards me.
I was completely speechless. This man has massive ego and I barely heard him saying he would be wrong nor admitting it.
Still, I cannot just put my walls down and be happy because suddenly he admitted he is doing wrong.
Im still gonna follow my plan and lets see how is he gonna cope. He knows i will stay in my country for few weeks and he agreed with me it might be a good idea to stay longer for both of us. He said he will come visit the children and give full support financially. I donít have high hopes but this was something positive I did not expect at all.
I already talk to my GP regarding my depression. I ask for proper evaluation and to have psychiatrists but they said why donít i jusy start with the help line where i can talk about my feelings and such. I didnít like the idea as I cannot be in mood swings and crying mode when i have little baby here who would catch my feelings so easily and toke it the wrong way. Babies feels their moms emotional state.
My son is a British citizen, taking citizenship after his father.
Unfortunately my country do not allow dual citizenship.
I was thinking about it to change him to be the same as mine.
Well i will see the process once im back in my country.
Thank you so much for your advices, I really appreciate it.

KaleidoscopePic posted 5/12/2019 23:11 PM

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please do not up. Things can get better. When my xhT left, I felt overwhelmed with two little boys. I moved 1000 miles back home where I had family, and I had to start over. It was tough, but you can make it through this. I moved in with family until I got a job that could help sustain my boys and me on our own. There is no shame in returning to your country and staying if that is what you want. If you want to stay in the U.S., I do not know if you have a church that you attend, but our church family helped us so much. They provided free babysitting so that I could get a degree. When I couldn't afford the bills, they helped us. They provided a Thanksgiving feast for us and Christmas presents. Most of all they provided a non-judgmental loving family who was there to listen. Sweet mama, there are people who care about you and there are people who can help. One possible job: if you can get a job in a daycare, often they provide free childcare for your children, or they provide a discount. That way you could bring in some money, knowing where your children are; if you work full-time you would get benefits (Health Insurance, Paid Vacation, etc). I know you feel alone, but hang in there. You can make it.

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