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He's gone, I'm losing it

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Lemondrop10 posted 5/7/2019 19:32 PM

I tried one last time to fix it. To talk, to make it work. And he blamed me for everything. I don't try hard enough. He didn't really cheat some of the time because he had just got out of jail for filming me and wasn't allowed home as part of his bond even though two of those instances occurred after we were allowed to have contact and were in MC and he professed to be 100% devoted to me and the marriage. That I allow everyone to think he's a pervert for recording me when I know he was only doing it for his own use because it was better than him looking at porn. No fucking remorse for a damn thing. Who cares that I had to watch myself using a fucking vibrator, having sex, showering, etc. to identify myself and where it was with a male cop and DA. Nope it's all about him.

I couldn't listen to his shit and told him to leave, to walk straight out the door. And he stayed in the door way so I tried to shut the door and he said he was going to call the cops on me because I abused him by squeezing him with the door. And he made a big show of calling them, so I grabbed his phone and asked them to come remove him, admitted to trying to push him out the door. He grabbed his phone back and took off. They came anyway, I feel like such a loser, having the cops come for all my neighbors to see. For the cops to see I'm still with him after what he did. What kind of weak moron stays with someone who does that?

And here I am hiding in my shower completely panicking. I think that the shit he said is how he really feels, like he didn't do anything wrong, that I somehow fucked HIM over. I don't know how I could be so stupid. I hate him and I love him and I never want to see him again and I want him to come back and apologize and make it ok and I know he doesn't give a shit about me and it hurts so bad. I don't know how to deal with it. I am so terrified that I'm not ready or strong enough to stay away from him, I was trying to get better in IC to leave but it's only just started. And part of me is afraid he won't want to come back and I'm just going to be alone. I want to be strong and end this because it's killing me. I don't want my kids to see this anymore.

I am sorry if this doesn't make sense or if it's a lot of typos. I'm completely losing it right now.

Cooley2here posted 5/7/2019 19:40 PM

You have been brainwashed because you are an abused wife. It takes several times for an abused wife to leave her abuser. Your feelings are so normal for this. It is toxic as hell but you are more comfortable with this life than with the unknown. Just keep thinking how much damage he has caused you emotionally. Hang in there. You will get through this.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:41 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

DesertLily posted 5/7/2019 20:24 PM


I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. So very, very sorry.

Please stay away from him. The more NC you have, the less pain you'll feel. Each day you'll feel a little bit stronger.

And please consider reaching out to your local battered women's shelters. Many offer additional services like counciling and legal aid.

Sending you virtual hugs.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/7/2019 20:24 PM

Is there a battered womenís shelter where you can get some help? Heís abused you. But even so it is HARD because of the familiarity, the dream of what we thought they were, the gaslighting they are sooo good at.

The 180 will help. Detach detach detach. Get in to IC to help you cope.
Cry all you need to.

Who do you have IRL?

Sweetie- heís been awful to you. Such violations. You will be okay and you will be better off.

Remember how STRONG you are.

Adlham posted 5/7/2019 20:35 PM

Lemondrop, are there any women's shelter near you that offer counseling?

I have been through this. It's awful. I had a counselor who worked exclusively with abused women and she was a Godsend.

I still remember how terribly demeaning it all was. I ran away to my hometown, where many of the cops knew me, one actually told his mother about some of it and she cornered me in a store to let me know that he would be there for me. I know they meant well, but nearly 20 years later, I still cringe at that memory.

Just know that you aren't alone.

OwningItNow posted 5/7/2019 20:51 PM

Will you read a book? Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. She was like you (me, us) and she healed these addicted feelings you feel.

Good luck, sweetie.
Many hugs.
It's very hard.

pureheartkit posted 5/7/2019 22:58 PM

When you are in the shower, imagine the water passing through you, washing out your fear, your thoughts of what if and what about tomorrow. The water washes out your worries and embarrassment. In that shower, you are free. The sad thoughts can wash away. Don't criticise yourself. Just be calm and breathe.

Why do we love people who use and disrespect us? I did it. Looking back, it is much clearer than when I was in it. I fought to stay in that relationship that was so bad for me. Why? Why didn't I let go and stop thinking of him. The sad thoughts and angry dreams, they stopped when I left that situation. I was no longer adjusting to his storms. It felt so good. I didn't need him like I thought I would. I didn't come apart like I feared. Yes, I missed some things we did but other things came in to replace them, they were just as because his drama was not there messing it up. I did not feel bad about myself.

Feel the water. Now it's passing through you, it's filling you up. It's filling you with calm and hope and courage. You don't need to worry. You won't live without love and friendship. You are not alone. You are growing stronger. You are growing wiser. You are finding your way. Trust in yourself.

Lemondrop10 posted 5/8/2019 06:37 AM

I ordered the book Owningitnow suggested. By 8pm last night he was texting me to come back and saying he needed to apologize to the kids for his behavior. I just replied that maybe it's what he really feels and I needed to hear it. He denied that and apologized again and I just didn't reply. He showed up this morning to get his work clothes for today. Tried to hug me and said he hopes I can find it in my heart to forgive him. As confused and screwed up as I feel, I still think this is it, this is yet another clear sign it's time to move on. I want to heal and enjoy life again. I'm always worrying and him and where he is or what he's doing. It occupies my thoughts and I'm never living in the moment. The only place I can escape that is work. I'm wasting my life.

[This message edited by Lemondrop10 at 11:14 AM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Adlham posted 5/8/2019 11:07 AM

Good to hear, Lemondrop.

A few things that helped me stay the course are below.

I found some pictures of myself that reminded me of who I used to be and hung them up with poems and quotes that inspired me.

I'm going to include my two favorites for you. Even if they don't speak to you, maybe you can find something that does.

Sending you strength.

Comes The Dawn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesnít mean leaning
And company doesnít mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses arenít contracts
And presents arenít promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrowís ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

Author: Veronica Shoffstall

The Woman in the Glass

When you get what you want as your struggle for self
And the world makes you queen for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that woman has to say.

For it isn't your father or mother or husband
Who's judgement upon you must pass;
The person whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

She's the person to please, never mind all the rest,
For she's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the woman in the glass if your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life,
And get pats on your back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the woman in the glass

Author: Dale Wimbrow

crazyblindsided posted 5/8/2019 12:29 PM

(((Lemondrop10))) Detach detach detach and focus on YOU and what you want to do.

Lemondrop10 posted 5/9/2019 08:21 AM

I went home last night and found him in my apartment. Apparently he took the key back that I took from him the night before when he was getting his clothes in the morning. The really lovely part is that I can't make him leave. He has things there and has been sleeping there for enough time that even though he's not on the lease and has his own place, it's considered residency. The police won't remove him and my lawyer confirmed I basically have to evict him if he won't leave willingly. He's acting like nothing happened, other than telling our kids that he should have taken a walk to cool down rather than act the way he did. Now I'm trapped. I just pray I keep this mindset of needing to be done. I can't go back to any relationship with him.

Lalagirl posted 5/9/2019 12:36 PM


my lawyer confirmed I basically have to evict him if he won't leave willingly

Evict him. If for anyone's sake, for the kids. They should not be witness to his assholery and quite frankly, I worry that he could become desperate and dangerous.

In the interim, do you have somewhere you can stay?

1Faith posted 5/9/2019 12:49 PM

he's not on the lease

^^Get a copy of the lease and show the police. He is a squatter at this point regardless if he has "stuff" there. If you say you want him out then he legally cannot be there.

What you allow will continue.

You and your children deserve better. You deserve peace and clarity.

(((good luck)))

Charity411 posted 5/9/2019 14:22 PM

I agree with the others. Start eviction proceedings now. Then once he's out file an order of no tresspass. Those are very simple to do and don't require a lawyer or a court case. You just need to send one to him and/or post the order on your property, indicating that he specifically is not allowed on your premises. You can get one from your police department. If he shows up you can call 911 and have him arrested. Then change your locks.

He will not stop until you stop him. He doesn't want you back. He wants his control over you back. And need to figure out why you seem to find this attractive, because if you didn't you wouldn't keep inviting it back into your life. You divorced him and you still allow him back into your life consistently. Even though he's gone to jail over what he's done to you and still cheats on you at every turn. You are sending a clear message that this is ok with you.

You mentioned that in a previous relationship you had no problem ending the relationship due to infidelity and you don't understand why you can't end this one. I think you were at a low in self esteem after that first relationship loss and this guy saw a perfect mark. I did the exact same thing when my WH left me for the OW. And the next guy I attracted slowly treated me like absolute garbage and completely convinced me that it was all my fault. That I was unlovable. When I finally ended after years of abuse, he became my stalker. I'd wake up to find him in my room. It was never about love. It was about "how dare you think you can dump me!" These types of people escalate until they are dangerous.

Please tell someone you work with, are neighbors with or are friends with that this is happening. You need to have a safe place to flee to. Yeah, it's embarassing, but my friends, and neighbors were great. I had spare keys to their houses if I needed to get away. And my boss knew to buzz me in my office and tell me to stay there if he showed up at my job. Don't be afraid to seek out a safety net. If nothing else, do it for your kids.

newlife03 posted 5/9/2019 23:27 PM

You are the victim. Not him. You. He did this to you and to himself. Sounds to me like all you've done is try to keep your marriage together. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but the greatest amount of distance between you and him is what you need to be healthy enough to take care of yourself.

As for what the cops think, they don't. They are there to help you. They've seen and heard it all, and they're trained to handle a multitude of situations. Sadly I'm sure they've seen this before, and all they can do is help you in the moment. Any future help comes from inside you.

Please seek help and guidance for the abuse you've endured. Counseling will do wonders! And keep coming here for support, we are here for you.

Lemondrop10 posted 5/27/2019 08:58 AM

Iím still stuck in limbo here. He is still in my house although the process has been started to remove him. I feel like Iím going crazy. He is trying to act like man of the year now, cleaning, cooking, talking to me about all the good memories in the past, sucking up to the kids, wanting to go to counseling. I can see through his act now though. I know this isnít real.
I try to keep myself busy. I started to work later. Then he started making comments about how it was so good that heís around to be with the kids since I have to work so hard. So I stopped doing that. I took them out of town a few times but overall HE IS ALWAYS THERE. And heís getting to me. I lost it and screamed at him the other day in front of my kids. Heís making me look nuts. My counselor believes this is just one more way for him to be abusive and control me. Iím sure itís true because after I finally lost it on him he smiled this cocky smile at me. I donít know how Iím going to make it the next couple months. I canít leave here, my family is about 45 minutes away from here and I work in the opposite direction. I also donít trust him alone with all my things. Iím so afraid Iím going to hit him. I think thatís what heís looking for so I can look unstable and he can try to get the kids and child support since he lied his way into getting fired by his divorce lawyer and couldnít afford another one so he didnít get alimony from me.
How the hell do I cope with this?

Cooley2here posted 5/27/2019 09:07 AM

If it is small stuff get a drawer in your local bank vault. It it is larger rent a storage unit. Try to move stuff out a little at the time. Some stuff you should be willing to lose to get him out. He sounds sick in the head and dangerous

annb posted 5/27/2019 09:09 AM

Hi, Lemondrop, you certainly are living in an abusive situation. Your WH is a master manipulator and abuser.

I'd get out of the house as much as possible. Take the kids to the park, take the kids for ice cream, find a meetup group in your area. IGNORE him unless it's something concerning the children that needs to be discussed.

Continue with eviction process.

Continue meeting with your counselor.

Have you contacted a women's shelter?

Is there any way you could find another job closer to your family and move away from this creep?

Honestly, I wouldn't even trust him around the kids at this point.

HeHadADoubleLife posted 5/27/2019 09:29 AM

Box up any valuables and take them to your family's house. I know you say he is always there, so it might be hard for you to get away, but if the main reason you don't want to leave is because you are afraid of how he will act with your things, then take the things out of the equation. Don't let him know you are taking anything, just slowly start packing things into your car one at a time. Then one weekend take the kids to visit your family, and poof, your stuff is out of the house.

My XH also tried to suggest that we film ourselves and/or he film me because it would be better than porn/doesn't that just prove to me how attractive I am to him and shouldn't I be flattered? I have no idea if he ever filmed me without my consent, knowing a lot of the shit I found out I wouldn't put it past him, but I always told him hell no! He never even asked you, filmed you and WENT TO JAIL FOR IT. If those very real life consequences did not force him to change his behavior, it seems that nothing will.

Abusers like this specialize in this kind of manipulation. Of course he smiled a cocky smile when he got you to lash out - he gets off on your anguish. And your instincts are probably spot on, he is trying to stack the decks against you for custody. DON'T LET HIM! Do not under any circumstances lay a hand on him. Instead channel your anger into doing everything you can to get away from this man.

Do you already have a custody agreement in place from your divorce? I'm sure something had to be drawn up, it would have to be with kids in the picture. Stick to whatever visitation had been agreed upon, and document, document, document!

When it is your time to have the children and you have to work, hire child care! Don't let him take advantage of the fact that you make the money by allowing him more parenting time than he deserves. Plus, you'll have the added benefit of the children being with someone you trust and not their POS father.

Have you ever seen the movie Enough? It is one of my favorites. There is a quote from that movie that I often repeat, "You have a divine animal right to protect your own life and the life of your offspring." I am in no way suggesting that you take things as far as she did, but summon the inner strength that only comes from that animal need to protect your children and get yourself and them the hell out of there.

Can you talk to your landlord about breaking the lease? Obviously don't tell your XH any of this, but see if it is possible to make an exit plan. Speak to people at your local battered women's shelter, they will have experience with extrication tactics.

Lemondrop10 posted 5/27/2019 14:12 PM

Itís not been a good day. I thought I was doing ok. I just never seem to be able to do anything right. I tried so hard for so long to just be good enough for him. Pathetic, I know. But sometimes Iím so confused. I feel like Iím the bad guy. I feel like I didnít forgive fast enough or fully enough and thatís why we continued to have problems. I was always so afraid to do anything because it was always wrong. Today I was trying to get meal prep and other stuff done early so weíd have the day to relax or do something fun. And he got mad because I didnít take the kids to the parade he was in. They didnít want to go. And I was thinking (stupidly) that I could get my stuff done and we could all go to a movie or something as a family. It didnít matter what my intentions were, I tried to explain but he yelled at me that I was a liar and would not listen. Then he was in the bedroom and I went in there and he ran into the bathroom with a paper in his hand. I could see a little of it, basically a list of all the things he thinks I do wrong. Full page double sided, thatís how much of a piece of crap I am I guess. He wouldnít give it to me or read it to me. I told him I wanted him to give me his key and leave, that I would go for a few hours so he could take his things. He told me he wouldnít take his stuff, that he didnít want this, I did. Eventually after a stand off he gave his key to me and left with the clothes on his back. I feel so messed up right now. I feel bad for him because I donít know where heís going to go. I hate myself for having more compassion for him than I do myself. I just wish this would all end.

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