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Found out yesterday

BigKinik posted 5/7/2019 15:21 PM

The Wednesday before Easter my wife of 14 years told me she wanted a separation. While I had known she had been thinking that way for a while, I wasn’t completely shocked. It still hurt but she told me that she hadn’t made up her mind whether or not this was a permanent situation. Fast forward to yesterday and all the things people were telling me about how they had seen her act strange and she would get caught in lies, I was wondering if the suspicions I’ve had for the last 3-4 years were true. She kept getting angry at me, calling me overprotective, jealous, and unreasonable, whenever I expressed concern of her staying out until 1-2AM, her long weekends away that she said she was babysitting, or when I would catch her in lies. Even though I had asked her point blank and she had denied it several times before and after the split, I decided to take a different approach. I chose to ask her if I needed to be tested for STDs. Her response wasn’t “yes” or “no” but rather “I had a routine STD check in January”. Right then I knew the truth but I told her that she owed me the truth. I asked again if there was another man, she paused and said “yes”. I asked if they had had sex, she replied “yes”. Those answers had hit me like a ton of bricks, confirming that I wasn’t crazy to assume all those things over the years. She wouldn’t answer anymore of my questions about him, and still refuses to, but at least now I know that she never intended to reconcile, but was going to string me along for a year while I would have had hopes of everything being made right and her, myself, and our 3 young kids could remain in a more stable environment. Apparently our kids have been around this guy, and I might have even met him once. I’m quite certain they had sex on my bed too. The icing on the cake was when she actually asked permission to keep seeing him. Of course I answered “no”. I mean, who asks that?! Right now neither of us will move out because we don’t want to give up any chance at custody of our kids. I have to see her every day, knowing that she isn’t sorry, that a strange man has had sex with my wife while I was as well, and we are stuck this way until we can come to a separation agreement!

hadji posted 5/7/2019 15:32 PM

1. Expose. Big time. To anyone your wife cares about and to anyone who you know mutually. The thrill of the affair evaporates immediately.

2. Contact the OBS. Complicate things for the AP to keep your wife as the side-chick.

3. Do the 180.

Marz posted 5/7/2019 15:32 PM

You got the partial truth which is the "tip of the iceberg".

It would be beneficial for you to stay out of anymore denial of who/what she is and lay off the hopium pipe.

You do need a hard 180 (read up in the healing library). It will help you with clarity.

Under the circumstances I'd DNA the kids. At this time you need the full truth. If you go online and check your phone bill you'll probably find out who the other man or men are.


SnowToArmPits posted 5/7/2019 15:36 PM

Get yourself out of this infidelity as soon as you can. Find a divorce attorney ASAP and get your wife served. If she wants to live separated and have sex with other guy, fine just not as your wife.

Is the other man married? If yes, tell his wife - she deserves to know (this is an essential step if you are interested in reconciling. Get his wife on his ass to end the affair). And also, fuck him up for messing with you.

Sorry this has happened to you. 14 years is a long time but your wife's actions are now cold, cruel. Sounds like she'd have a to do quite an about face to be your loving wife again.

WilliamM posted 5/7/2019 15:38 PM

I am so sorry you are here. So, so sorry. To be honest, I would get her phone, or get on the computer she normally uses and get into her email. If I couldn't, I would take it to a computer guy to see if he could get in and download the information for you. There are ways to get the information you need. If your children have been around him, I bet they know mommy's friend's name. Once you get his name, blow up his world. Tell his wife, inform his job, blow his world up as much as possible.

Edit: Also tell her family and friends. See if anyone knew of the affair and didn't tell you. I bet there is someone that knows but remained silent. Also file for divorce. Make it real to her. If you are in a state that allows it, sue for Alienation of Affection.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 3:41 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Ponus18 posted 5/7/2019 16:50 PM

It doesn't sound like she's interested in reconciling, even if you are.

But staying together and "asking" her to kindly not have sex with this other man is not the way to move forward.

If you are interested in possibly reconciling, you should tell her that she has a choice to make, immediately: either break up with her boyfriend and take all the required steps that go along with that -- a no contact letter to him, notifying his wife (if he has one) about the affair, giving you full access to all of her electronic devices, giving you a full timeline of everything that happened, etc. OR she can choose to continue seeing her boyfriend, but not as your wife. If the latter, then you should hire a lawyer and take appropriate steps to end the marriage.

Either solution will take you out of infidelity, which is the one and only thing you completely control. You cannot make her reconcile. Only she can make that choice (if you are willing).

If you decide to reconcile then there are many steps to take and a long road ahead, and others who have been through the process will give you excellent advice on the subject. But for now you have an immediate step you need to take to let your wife know that you will not be waiting around for her decision or allowing her to continue to date her boyfriend while remaining married to you.

Buster123 posted 5/7/2019 17:29 PM

I'm sorry that you're here, frankly right now she's in an active A and even asked you permission to keep seeing OM, right now your only option to save your M is to be willing to lose it, consult a pitbull attorney, file for D and have her served without warning while EXPOSING her huge betrayal with ALL family and close friends, find out who the OM is, you may even hire a PI and should get the answer very quickly, if she doesn't want to tell you his name chances are he's married and/or is a co-worker, either way go nuclear and EXPOSE to the world, nothing kills an A faster than full exposure, and if she doesn't come around, just let D run its course and get out of infidelity, you deserve much better.

Keep posting frequently, we have seen cases like this play out thousands of times here an other websites, the collective wisdom of SI could be a life saver and help you go through this difficult situation. Get tested for STDS and see an attorney ASAP.

goalong posted 5/7/2019 17:43 PM

It seems like you have acted in rather passive manner. Tell her you have a right to know who the pos due to health reasons and the fact that she acted in a cruel and selfish manner without coming clean (since she is acting like she wants out). She was having the cake and eat it too. Like others say expose, the affair thrived because it was underground and she got your care too. As often has said many affairs end after exposure. Let her know her actions lead to many consequences which she may or may not have foreseen. Put some alpha in to your approach

[This message edited by goalong at 5:59 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

fareast posted 5/7/2019 19:17 PM

I am so sorry you find yourself here. You need to be the stable parent for your young children. Read in the healing library. Hydrate, exercise, and eat healthy. Make you a priority. Read and implement a hard 180. Stop doing things for her. Only communicate about kids and finance. See an attorney and learn your rights. Most importantly expose her to both families and your friends. Demonstrate firmness and resolve. You are the prize and deserve so much better. Value yourself. Find out who the OM s and expose to his OBS. Exposure tends to kill an A. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 7:18 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

TheGuy123 posted 5/7/2019 20:48 PM

For what ever reason WW holds great value in keeping the OM's identity a secret.

Find out who the OM is will not get you what you want, but it will get you what you need.

So hire a PI, do the foot work, and just spend the dough to get this info....it's info that you can use to get a better deal out of her.

Blackmail is such an ugly word....lets just say... knowledge is power....and it's about time you get a few steps ahead of your WW instead of being a few steps behind. COME ON MAN... she has been a step ahead of you for the last 3-4 years!

You do understand that the boyfriend is 20 times higher to molest your kids then any one else in your wife's life?
Your 3 kids are counting on you to protect them...quit screwing around and find out who the OM is!!!!

My old lady screwed around plenty....but never in my bed or around my kids....your old lady has done both...

She is not a good candidate for R....please don't make the mistake and try to nice your way out of this!
It's time to get on top of this no matter the cost!
Your chick is gone! You can't save this. You can start protecting your butt and your kids!!!

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 8:50 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

OrdinaryDude posted 5/7/2019 21:25 PM

Sorry you’re here BK, this sounds like an exit A if there ever was one, and for that reason I would not offer or even speak of R for now...if R is ever in the cards it would need to be her begging for it first.

As noted above, get a lawyer like yesterday, consult and know your rights, follow their legal advice.

In the mean time I echo the course of exposure, but I would suggest reading the Tactical Primer thread at the top of this forum to get you on two feet before move in any direction.

If she doesn’t like you telling anyone that’s too bad, actions have consequences.

Buckle up for a bumpy ride, but know you have us here, use us and the resources as best you can.

Wool94 posted 5/8/2019 08:15 AM

And also, fuck him up for messing with you.

-SnowToArmPits

I hope you meant that telling his wife would mess him up and you weren't actually telling BigKinik to do something stupid to get arrested.

BigKinik, this is the time for you to take care of yourself and your children. As hard as it may seem, you have to be the level headed one here.

You have too much riding on this!

Bladerunner2054 posted 5/8/2019 11:45 AM

What everyone else says. Divorce this toxic woman ASAP.

Dismayed2012 posted 5/8/2019 11:58 AM

I hope that you're currently pursuing divorce Big. There is no coming back from this one. She left your marriage a long time ago and didn't tell you. That's pretty low, but asking if she could continue to cheat (open marriage)? Seriously? Has she got mental issues or does she just think that little of you and her kids? You have two goals. 1. Get out of infidelity as quickly as possible and 2. take your life back. Play along and keep her happy until after the divorce is final. Don't get emotional or upset at her while you're working on the separation agreement and divorce. It will only work against you if you allow yourself to lose control. And I'd advise listening to your friends more and also fixing your women picker. Don't ever get in a relationship with the same type of woman. Take care of yourself.

Jduff posted 5/8/2019 12:31 PM

I don't think this was an exit affair. Exit affairs are more of an act to end the marriage and the AP was just the ends to that means. No one in an exit affair asks to continue the affair, they just do it in spite of their spouse and the marriage. She wants to continue see her AP and asking you permission for doing so to me means she wants the best of both worlds. She's been huffing unicorn farts and wants to continue that high.
Her asking you for permission to keep seeing her AP is equivalent to what many of us often heard in our own stories from our waywards claiming they need "time and space to figure things out", which generally means they need more time with their AP before they have to choose. Your WW just isn't as creative enough to put it that way...and...it is pretty fucking insulting of her to so in asking you permission.


I was wondering if the suspicions I’ve had for the last 3-4 years were true. She kept getting angry at me, calling me overprotective, jealous, and unreasonable, whenever I expressed concern of her staying out until 1-2AM, her long weekends away that she said she was babysitting, or when I would catch her in lies. Even though I had asked her point blank and she had denied it several times before and after the split,


Yup, this is typical wayward attempts at quelling the cognitive dissonance within her to justify her affair. Waywards typically make their spouse out as the world's biggest A-holes in their minds so that they can rationalize how they need their affair, deserve their affair, continue their affair, all the while that conscience of theirs know better and keeps reply to each justification with "but it is still wrong". Her detachment and out of norm treatment of you typically parallels the affair timeline. Her affair very likely start 3-4 yrs ago and has continued for that long.

I decided to take a different approach. I chose to ask her if I needed to be tested for STDs. Her response wasn’t “yes” or “no” but rather “I had a routine STD check in January”. Right then I knew the truth but I told her that she owed me the truth. I asked again if there was another man, she paused and said “yes”. I asked if they had had sex, she replied “yes”. Those answers had hit me like a ton of bricks, confirming that I wasn’t crazy to assume all those things over the years. She wouldn’t answer anymore of my questions about him, and still refuses to, but at least now I know that she never intended to reconcile, but was going to string me along for a year while I would have had hopes of everything being made right and her, myself, and our 3 young kids could remain in a more stable environment.

Since you are open to different approaches, may I suggest you try the following to get her to divulge more info, maybe even ger her out of the home and into her own place so that her and her AP can have a "love nest" while you keep yourself and you kids away from her infidelity and gets your ducks in a row. Try this advice:



Just Let Them Go
The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW (Walk Away Wife) back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

If you haven't already, definitely go that consult from a divorce attorney ASAP. You don't have to file right away but do acquire knowledge of your rights, how the D process will work, get ahead of gathering your supporting documents and continued documentation of your WW and her behavior, whereabouts, etc. Get prepped and ready to serve her to the point you have the petition ready to server. Then, watch her actions. See how the above advice will affect her.

[This message edited by Jduff at 12:33 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

SnowToArmPits posted 5/8/2019 18:41 PM

Wool94 - Tell other man's wife = yes

Physical violence with other man = no.


I worded that poorly.

Western posted 5/8/2019 19:11 PM

lawyer up and ditch her. Nothing to save here

Happenedtome2 posted 5/9/2019 11:01 AM

I am sorry to see you here.
As other are saying, this is likely not a situation that you will come back from to reconcile. She is showing no signs of being interested in it anyway so why put yourself through it?

My WW got caught red handed in an online A and over the course of a couple of weeks I was able to get tons of info on what had transpired. It took asking the right questions and ultimately forcing her hand with D to get everything.

WW is in genuine R at the moment but it took a lot and my situation was not nearly as severe as yours. You really need to think for yourself and your kids as to whether or not you want to allow the toxic situation to continue and whether you could ever be sure it isn't happening again.

Take the advice you are being given. See a lawyer, know your rights and start protecting yourself financially.

Tigersrule77 posted 5/9/2019 11:48 AM

BigK, sorry you are going through this.

Do yourself a favor and contact lawyer right away.

For your own sake, start the 180 and disengage on everything other than your kids and discussing the D. This helped me more than anything else. the less time you spend talking to her, the better off you will be.

Keep in mind, just because you told her you were not giving her permission to keep banging the AP, she is going to. I would try to gather evidence of adultery to help in the D. It may not mean much legally, depending on your state laws, but it certainly won't hurt. It may be useful in negotiations.

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