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Should cheaters be friends with the person they cheated with?

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MsEducation posted 5/7/2019 14:10 PM

My boyfriend cheated on me with a long term friend of his. He has known this girl for 5-6 years, they lost contact for a while, and recently rekindled the friendship.
He then decided to lie to me and tell me he would be in the field for a week, then flew to her state and cheated on me for a week straight. Now, we are in the process of figuring out what to do and how to handle the situation. I have no ill feeling towards the girl (he never told her that he is in a relationship), so her and I have been communicating. I have also let my boyfriend and her communicate to give him an opportunity to give her the apology I think she deserves (she was wronged here too).
But I also am not comfortable with him to staying friends with her (especially close friends). Yet she told him she doesn't believe its worth staying in a relationship in which you cannot choose who is your friend or not. He asked her for advice on what to do (I said it was okay), and she said him and I should split for now, and if it's meant to be we will come back together. And that she's not okay with not being friends with him.
Yet when her and I were talking, she told me the chances of them being friends are slim to none. So I am confused. I feel like her advice is most likely genuine, but I am not sure (I don't know her that well). I've never been in this situation before. Am I doing the wrong thing here by wanting him to end the friendship?
By the way, my boyfriend said he is willing to do anything to fix us, including end the friendship. He said I am the first priority here. I just want to make sure I, personally, am not becoming someone I don't want to be.
**we more so ask what she’s thinking just to hear all sides of what happened and gather all information. It helped me with pinpointing both of their motives and trying to understand their mindsets. I am NOT letting her opinion determine what I do. He is NOT letting her opinion determine what he does. I honestly trust neither him nor her.

MamaDragon posted 5/7/2019 14:17 PM

No - because it will cause strife between the two of you. You will always question the friendship and he will resent you doing that (even though his behavior is why).

I'd even go as far to say that any WS should not be friends with any female, especially if the female does not attempt to be friends with the BS.

I say that even though my FWH is FB Friends with his AP - but our situation is weird in that she is a bunny boiler and we do that to keep an eye on her and what she is doing. He doesn't follow her, or even talk to her on messenger and she doesn't have his number. Plus I have 100% transparency (he also has access to mine)

Chrysalis123 posted 5/7/2019 14:18 PM

No.
Dealbreaker and the price of the betrayal.

NotInMyLife posted 5/7/2019 14:36 PM

NO

It's one of the most basic rules in healing from infidelity. Quite honestly, the fact that he's putting this on you to decide is a bad sign. He should be taking the initiative to be as trustworthy and transparent as possible. Instead he's asking you whether he should take step 1.

emergent8 posted 5/7/2019 14:39 PM

Easiest question of all time, NO. Hell no.

Happenedtome2 posted 5/7/2019 14:39 PM

Absolutely not. Period. End of story. As long as there is contact there will be cheating whether physical or emotional.

lieshurt posted 5/7/2019 14:45 PM

And that she's not okay with not being friends with him.

Why would she want to be friends with him? If she was truly lied to and duped into being an accessory to his cheating on you, what possible reason would she have for wanting to remain his friend?

she said him and I should split for now, and if it's meant to be we will come back together.

At this point, I would discontinue contact with her. I just don't think she can be trusted.

Marie2792 posted 5/7/2019 15:15 PM

She told him that she doesn’t think he should stay with you and she is not okay without having him as a friend. Answer is simple. She wants him to be hers.

Marie2792 posted 5/7/2019 15:15 PM

She told him that she doesn’t think he should stay with you and she is not okay without having him as a friend. Answer is simple. She wants him to be hers.

Cooley2here posted 5/7/2019 15:15 PM

He deliberately lied about what he was doing, where he was going, and who would be there. What kind of boyfriend is that?. Tell him to hit the road. You have better things to do than hang on to that loser!

beauchateaux posted 5/7/2019 15:50 PM

No.

My WH cheated on me with an 'old friend' too. They had a fling years ago (like, in high school) but he had insisted to me that their relationship had evolved way beyond that. I wasn't really comfortable, but I felt it would be overbearing and demanding to say that he had to cut off the friendship. After all, she'd been around longer than me.

Bad decision. He slept with her six weeks after I had our second son, at which point she abandoned all pretense and actively sought to convince him they were always in love, always meant to be, he wasn't happy with me, etc. He halfheartedly played along with it for a week before I caught it and you bet your BUTT I made him choose. He chose me, she was devastated and angry and blah blah.

The point is - the relationship has already been sexual. The attraction/possibility is there, this is not a relationship that has never crossed those boundaries. And he's also proven himself to be untrustworthy - a liar and a cheat. WITH this specific woman. So, no, sorry. He can't have both.

But if you want my REAL advice? You aren't married, you don't have kids (at least, you didn't say you did). He's shown his true colors. Ditch him and find someone with integrity. I don't want to minimize your feelings or struggle, but honestly? If my H had done what he did while we were just dating and had no kids, I'd have been out that door in a heartbeat and onto greener pastures.

PS - she's playing you both, contradicting herself, changing her tune to get the reaction she wants out of each of you. Do NOT trust her.

MondayMonday posted 5/7/2019 16:00 PM

I agree 100% with beachchateaux. He has shown you who he is, believe him.

Marz posted 5/7/2019 16:07 PM

Dating is a tryout. He failed.

The best predictor of future behavior is past history.

He has the capability to do this again.

If I were you I'd dump him and move on.

onthefence123 posted 5/7/2019 16:12 PM

Should cheaters be friends with the person they cheated with?
Gently, I can't believe this is a question.
I honestly trust neither him nor her.
Of course not, and you never will.

Which takes us back to the first question. And now, you are in a cycle. Please ask yourself if this is what you want your life to be. Round and round you go...

Jduff posted 5/7/2019 16:19 PM

Yet she told him she doesn't believe its worth staying in a relationship in which you cannot choose who is your friend or not. He asked her for advice on what to do (I said it was okay), and she said him and I should split for now, and if it's meant to be we will come back together. And that she's not okay with not being friends with him.
Yet when her and I were talking, she told me the chances of them being friends are slim to none.

Ok...here goes. That, up there MsEducation, is what is typical manipulative cheater logic that is designed to GUILT you into a corner of your mind and convince yourself that whatever the hell your BF and this little succubus are doing together, they are only doing as "just friends".

You know why she told you chances are slim they will remain friends? Because when she is done doing him all ways till Sunday she will get bored, ditch him, then needs YOU to take up for the 90% of the love and devotion your were willing to give to him...until she gets her fancy up about him stirred through their little emotional affair "just friends" texting, then this little love triangle shit starts all. over. again.

I'll tell you what, MsEducation. A REAL man, who loves you would completely understand if you said his supposed female "friend" of the past troubles you and and you express your concern to him about their time together. He would understand if you ask him to quit being friends with her, because the REAL deep friendship he needs to build is with you, his partner in life, the one he has the deepest relationship with. Good and long committed relationships are multifaceted with love and friendship. He has shown you he likes to keep inappropriate "friendships" with other women over your concerns. That means he doesn't respect your feelings.

Yup, overall he certainly has shown you who he is...an immature little boy who is unaware of his own behavior and the affect it has on others. Dating is a test to ferret out some of the flaws in your partner that you cannot live with. I think he just let one huge red flag come to surface for you to see....and to run the hell away from.

2014Why posted 5/7/2019 16:27 PM

Easy answer -- NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

totallydumb posted 5/7/2019 16:38 PM

He cheated.

He lied to you.

He was in a committed relationship with you.

She is playing you both against each other.

Let her have the cheater.

Why are you even considering carrying on this unhealthy relationship?

He has cheated once, he will do it again unless he gets professional counselling to figure out why he chose to cheat. It is a choice, not a mistake, not a accident, but several choices which he consciously made prior to actual sex.

No children? Not married? Don't walk, RUN away from this cheater!

Ponus18 posted 5/7/2019 16:43 PM

Absolutely positively not. No way. Noooooooo.

Also, read around here when you have some time and learn about so many of us who were cheated on after marriage and children. Be grateful you found out now and go find yourself a good guy who will respect you and be faithful and loyal to you. The odds that he will stay faithful after you are married are not very good at all.

Best wishes to you.

BetrayedPR77 posted 5/7/2019 17:16 PM

I recently started here. And even I know that the answer, is

NO.

In the A, a mutual best friend was the OM. And I thought he was my best friend. And now, I call him POSOM.

[This message edited by BetrayedPR77 at 5:25 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Buster123 posted 5/7/2019 17:34 PM

Your boyfriend is now a proven cheater and a liar, why don't you simply dump him and move on, you deserve much better, btw get tested for STDs.

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