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Wives chosen for reliability = plan B?

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pureheartkit posted 5/7/2019 09:06 AM

Interesting because back in history during Pioneer days, a reliable skilled woman was what a man wanted. Looks were a plus if she had them. Sweet temperament, morality, home skills, good mother. These were the things most important in a wife. The poor gold rush miners just wanted a young woman period! Women were in short supply! Looking at the marriage ads they placed I feel sad for them. I think people were more realistic about expectations then. No one expected a fantasy forever.

Today's so different. And I hope it's not going into uncomfortable territory but lately around here I have seen financially comfortable middle aged men with young Asian wives and one or two kids. Are these men going for reliability or what is it? There's an age difference that is noticeable. I don't see young guys with the same girls as often.

Hg65 posted 5/7/2019 09:43 AM

And in the car analogy, what kind of car would you want?

The reliable and dependable all wheel drive that can pretty much handle any terrain? The car that gets great reviews for having its shit together. Low maintenance.

Or the super-sporty looker that breaks down a lot and constantly in the shop. The one you can only take out under perfect conditions? One door ding and costs thousands to fix.


Candyman66 posted 5/7/2019 10:07 AM

What kind of car do I want??? Well I've had the "Subaru" now I* want the F'ing Ferrari!!! I don't really care about the damn reliability because I'll probably kill myself in it before it has a chance to breakdown!!!

Edit, the rest of this post should have been to a different thread. Sorry

[This message edited by Candyman66 at 10:09 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

hikingout posted 5/7/2019 10:15 AM

Obviously I am not a betrayed wife, but I have to say I did have some issues about this at one point during our marriage.

When H and I were dating, he didn't want to settle down therefore we did not practice monogamy. At some point, when we were moving towards marriage (and to me that also meant kids), I said I wanted monogamy. He willingly agreed. From time to time, that conversation would re-arise. At one point, shortly after we'd just had that revisiting conversations, he made a joke to my sister-in-law that he was "not rich enough or good looking enough to trade me in for a younger model". He was 100% joking. But, part of me struggled with the idea that he was sacrificing so he would have a family and a companion. I connected dots that I no longer believe were there for him.

Looking back on that time, I think the reason this bothered me is I didn't feel worthy of love. I was always doing things for everyone to "earn" love. It was all wrapped up in my own self love, self worth, etc.

I caught myself when we were divorcing really contemplating how I would find a man who wasn't after my paycheck? I literally had this as a thought and it wasn't irrational in the area we live in.

Sometimes, I think we all have to evaluate whether we feel like plan B because that's the story we tell ourselves, or because it's really the case. We tend to look for evidence that undermines ourselves. We can be our own worst critic and when that's the case we will make assumptions that fit our story. I see that definitely happening in the other thread where by and large it seems the males who have been good married and family men feel like that wasn't what their wife wanted.

I will be interested to see if this thread goes on as long as the other one. I think the way that (most) males are at a bit of a disadvantage is that we as women tend to be more experienced at processing our feelings. While there are exceptions, we do this routinely with friends, sisters, moms, cousins, etc. We can unwind them because we will focus on them. Men tend to be taught to push them down, by upbringing but mostly by peers.

NotTheManIwas posted 5/7/2019 10:20 AM

we as women tend to be more experienced at processing our feelings. While there are exceptions, we do this routinely with friends, sisters, moms, cousins, etc. We can unwind them because we will focus on them. Men tend to be taught to push them down, by upbringing but mostly by peers.

This is so damn smart. Props, HO.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/7/2019 10:57 AM

This is so damn smart. Props, HO.
Hilarious. When HO says it, it gets props. Some one else says it (different words, same message) she gets slammed. Okay. Some one has a fan.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:58 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 5/7/2019 11:28 AM

I was definitely Plan B. He used all 2 years of False R to figure out what he wanted. Now he is my Plan B. Plan A would be to get the hell out of dodge but so much at stake to do that. I make myself Plan A.

NotTheManIwas posted 5/7/2019 11:30 AM

Hilarious. When HO says it, it gets props. Some one else says it (different words, same message) she gets slammed. Okay. Some one has a fan.

Ah gee, is someone feeling left out?

ETA: Here's somethin' for ya... SMS, you are just so dang smart.

[This message edited by NotTheManIwas at 11:32 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 5/7/2019 11:37 AM

You're killing me, Smalls. Sorry, don't need anyone's external validation to know my worth, value and intelligence.

NotTheManIwas posted 5/7/2019 11:39 AM

You're killing me, Smalls.

I love SMS. You keep me engaged.

ETA: K, SMS, Imma be looking for stuff you say that I can get on board with from now on. Lady, you rock. (is there anything you say that I can get on board with?)

[This message edited by NotTheManIwas at 11:46 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

emergent8 posted 5/7/2019 14:22 PM

After digging myself from the depths in the aftermath of D-Day, and working through all my shitty, self-doubting, feelings, I have (mostly) managed to come out the other side of knowing that I wasnít plan B. He may have treated me like it at times during the A but at the end of the day, I was the first choice. I was the filet mignon and she was dessert (cake if you will). He said he felt comforted by the fact that she was married and there was no expectation of anything more. He said he panicked if she ever hinted more about emotional stuff.

Perhaps if it was an exit affair, an EA, or if my H had hesitated for even a second before begging me not to leave him, Iíd have had a more difficult time getting to this point. I know those types of affairs are more common for women which may explain why so many BH struggle with this (though I suspect it also has something to do with HOís observation that women are more likely to be better equipped at working through their feelings). I have also benefited from high self-confidence both before and after d-day.

At the end of the day, I donít think I was ever chosen for reliability. Itís more of a whole package thing.

Rideitout posted 5/7/2019 14:30 PM

I was the filet mignon and she was dessert (cake if you will).

There's a reason they call it "cake eating". It's also the only affair type I've ever seen IRL other than my WW's. It's pretty darn common, and it's got nothing to do with plan B, even though it might feel that way. The AP in a lot of cases I know about is "Plan E", as in "plan easy". Come over, fuck me/blow me, leave. If you won't someone else will, so if you make it too hard, I'll move on. I've never seen an "exit affair" (which implies plan B to me) in a male IRL, they are always just eating cake, including my WW's AP.

emergent8 posted 5/7/2019 14:36 PM

RIO - so if our spousesí affairs were so similar. How come I donít feel like Plan B but you do?

Rideitout posted 5/7/2019 14:48 PM

RIO - so if our spousesí affairs were so similar. How come I donít feel like Plan B but you do?

My W had an exit A. Her AP was a cake eater. And it's harder for me not to feel like "plan B" after an exit A than I suspect it would be after a cake eating A. But that's just me, not everyone. All the men I know are eating cake, that's what I was saying, not that my W was. She thought he loved her and they were going to ride off into the sunset together.

emergent8 posted 5/7/2019 14:51 PM

Gotcha, that makes more sense to me.

You should really write down the basics of your story, so we can tell where youíre coming from.

still2suspicious posted 5/7/2019 16:19 PM

This is SO embarrassing to admit, but in the last few months, of this 45+ years of M, I have JUST figured out I have ALWAYS been Plan B (or C or M or whatever )

Since I found out about LTEA 10 years ago I have always told him I could not, would not, will not go thru it again. He always agreed, of course.

Fast forward to last year and I had discovered, what I believe to be, ANOTHER A, which I believe started in 2017. This one is the most damaging for a number of reasons, the least being she was MY friend and I introduced them!

This one, I believe was/is probably a PA.

The story is waaay too long to bore you with the details.

Suffice it to say I realized I am just here to keep him from being lonely during the down times.

I finally see I am NOT who he wanted, and certainly not who he wants now.

The good news, for me, is that although I am old, and obviously a very slow learner, I was finally able to face reality.

Although I have never even hinted at cheating, I consider him MY plan B because I need him to finish some projects around the house before I pull the plug on this very heart-breaking existence.

cancuncrushed posted 5/7/2019 16:49 PM

I was always plan B....or xyz...because Wh was the type to believe this is what men do...of course he cheats...he believes all men cheat...During each A...I now can see, he chose them...every time....over me...at least for awhile. EVen when I accused him...he kept seeing them.

HE did want a household...family....the nest...he wanted someone to manage it...and look fairly well as they did...his image thing...

In that sense, I was reliable...I was dependable...I was a great mom, and mate....

His other life was meant to fulfill...to enjoy...and an adventure...

He became my plan B...He was no longer fulfilling my needs. I no longer had respect for him.... I wonder how he would feel If I cheated? I would like to see that reaction...would he care if plan B strayed? or would he understand? its what everyone does?

When I caught him.....one of the stupid things he said.....he told me to go have sex with someone...if it would make me feel better....did he mean it? I read the Beetrayed men on this site...I see their pain....would Wh have any pain? are his beliefs on marriage concrete?

We will soon find out....

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 4:59 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/7/2019 19:25 PM

No worries copying the title. The reason mine was directed toward men was because that's what I was seeing, so many BHs saying they were plan B.

To answer your question, no, I never considered myself plan B. My FCH never had any plan to leave or replace me. There was nothing special about the MOW. She's actually quite a disgusting person. There is nothing she could offer my fch that I couldn't.

The problem was with him. He didn't know how to ask me for those things. He didn't know how to talk to me about how he was feeling. He didn't want to upset or anger. (I still laugh that his solution to that was cheat.)

My fch didn't chose to stay with me for any of the reasons you listed. Either, he doesn't value those things or I'm not good at them. He stayed with me for me. He loves me. I am who I am. I've always been.

seekers posted 5/7/2019 19:45 PM

But, they might say, she'd be a loyal wife and a great mom to our children, but not necessarily a woman who has the husband coming home for "lunch breaks"

Jorge this holds true for a friend of mine. It was devastating for her realizing oh I'm the chef, the mother and maid. CH actually began with ow for those lunch breaks. Which turned to drinks after work, fancy restaurants etc. My friend shocked him by having him served once this revelation came to be. Poor muffin didn't like his maid getting on with her life!

Unbroken78 posted 5/7/2019 23:19 PM

There's likely one major trump card in this equation...

As the gatekeepers of sex, women often hold the ultimate power to determine their place in the pecking order.

While there are plenty of stupid cake eaters who can't appreciate what they have...there are also a mountain of men who were married to women that didn't own their man.

I don't mean this to be triggering to any BWs...and I'm not justifying cheating...so don't read below it it bugs you.

If you want a happy man, keep his balls empty and his stomach full. That's the baseline. If you aren't sure what's wrong with him...do those two things. From there, male contentment is pretty simple...

I know men who are struggling right now to stay married. They, almost universally, share a few things- A wife that dismisses their needs as unimportant. A wife that thinks she has the absolute right to define what sex should be, when it should happen, for how long, and how enthusiastic it should be. "Just be quick" is something they hear in the bedroom. The joke about BJs stopping after she eats wedding cake...aren't jokes. Likewise...same guys have SAHMs who have to hire a maid, get takeout 3+ nights a week, and who can't pick up the kids after school.

Those men are all looking hard at divorce or cheating. Women single those men out and try to get into a relationship with them, as those men look for female energy during the day. I see it over and over. I'm not saying it justifies cheating...but it creates a void that a cheater would want to fill.

Conversely...I know some men who are uber happy with relatively plain looking women as those women OWN their man's happiness. They put effort into keeping him in tip top shape so he can perform at work and be a great dad. They know that his happiness will directly enable him at work, at home, and in life...so they throw a BJ at him when he looks down and bring their A game at bedtime. His clothes are ready, his house is clean, and his wife greets him with a smile when he gets home. Happy man...who also reciprocates to maker her happy.

So, it's not plan A or B...women have huge mobility in that department. It's truly effort based. For men...effort is only going to get you so far. There is no male equivalent of "give her a BJ"...not really.

That's the difference IMO.

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