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What do you say, when he WS asks why you are still here?

Sunny69 posted 5/1/2019 12:33 PM

We are 18months out, learning to live with it. WS still struggles to not think of himself first. He still justifies the A because he was unhappy, but takes 'full ownership' of it even though he doesn't think I accept my contribution to it, ' it's all his fault'. I do accept before the A started I can relate to us not being happy. If the house wasn't clean for when he came home, we had a big row, if I hadn't told the kids to put their school bags away for when they came home, we had a row. He was an angry entitled bully. I worked full time, ran the house, cared for 3 kids who were usually in bed by the time he came home. He didn't expect anyone to raise their voice to them, but happily did it to you. Skip to present day 18 months after dday and discovering his 21/2 year A and all the 'fishing' emails he sent to women going back to at least 2008. How many of them he had success with I do not know. He maintains it was his first A, but he denied that when he didn't realise I had proof. Anyway to get to the point it wasn't only our relationship that suffered because of how he was, he became estranged from our son and youngest daughter. He has built bridges with his son, who has said it's better than it was but he will never be really close like it could have been. Anyway my youngest daughter wrote me a letter lastnight saying why she didn't like being at home and enjoyed being with her friends more because she is fed up of always being in the wrong. Her dad is always on at her, tells her he's done with her, wants nothing more to do with her and then wishes she would talk to him. He saw me with the letter and said how he was always the outsider, isolated and alone and these secret conversations are going on. I had just finished 14 hours at work and had literally gone to the kids to kiss them goodnight when I was presented with the letter. I should have put it somewhere to read quietly but I didn't, I walked downstairs reading it and fnished asking me not to show her dad. I didn't want to talk about it I was too tired and said I would discuss it with her in the morning, which I did and asked if I could show it dad as he knew I had it. He left the house not saying anything to anybody so I asked to meet for a coffee where he besieged me with how difficult it is for him, I have no idea what it is like, that he is too blame, he has no worth so why am I still with him. I love him, I haven't left at times of extreme stress and feelings of betrayal, but I have stepped away from the intensity of that, but that question also stops me in my tracks. Because I cannot bring myself to say he's kind, generous, good with the kids and all those sorts of things. I don't know why I have stayed with him. On paper I deserve better, I did not deserve to be treated the way he treated me, but i can see he's trying to be a better person, although he does still have a long way to go. Do you have these conversations with your WS? What do you say to that question?

Adaira posted 5/1/2019 12:44 PM

Doesn’t sound like you had a conversation so much as he took you on a little guilt trip. “It’s so hard, it’s so awful, you don’t know what it’s like to be meeeee!” And then you jump in right on cue with “but I love you!”

You owe yourself an answer to the question of “why am i still here?” but you don’t owe him one.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/1/2019 12:52 PM

I disagree with this to a point:

You owe yourself an answer to the question of “why am i still here?” but you don’t owe him one.

If you are still there, still trying to have a relationship, then your relationship partner is entitled to ask whatever they want, otherwise you're now ruling the dictatorship that he turned your marriage into. Screw that. What that does not mean is that you have to think about the answer you thinks he wants to hear and give it to him. The answer you should give him is the one you give yourself - period.

So what IS/ARE your reasons? Money? Fear (of what if so)? Love (if so, what does that love mean to you)? Hope (if so, what are you hoping for)? Your family (if so, is the relatively toxic situation worth it in the long run for them - in my upbringing the answer was "no" - my parents divorce was the best thing they ever did for us, as hard as it was)? What do you still like/love about him? Start with that - write that down and see where it takes you.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/1/2019 12:53 PM

Why are you still there? He is not only abusing you. He is abusing your children. Why do you love this man? Is it really love or is some sort of unhealthy attachment like codependence?

He is not remorseful. He has not taken full ownership as long as he says you had a part in his A. Do you think you have been in R all this time?

Adaira posted 5/1/2019 12:57 PM

I disagree with this to a point:
You owe yourself an answer to the question of “why am i still here?” but you don’t owe him one.
If you are still there, still trying to have a relationship, then your relationship partner is entitled to ask whatever they want, otherwise you're now ruling the dictatorship that he turned your marriage into. Screw that.

Well that wasn’t what I was getting at at all. Of course people are entitled to ask questions - but from my reading of the OP it didn’t sound like a question so much as a temper tantrum. I don’t entertain those at all, especially not from grown men.

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