Return to Forum List

Return to General

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > General

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

BS contacting AP

Pages: 1 · 2

heartwords posted 5/1/2019 11:40 AM

Hi everyone,

If you are a BS, did you ever try to contact/confront your WS's AP? How did that go? Did it bring you any closure?

As for WS, what was your reaction to finding out your BS contacted the AP? Were you angry or could you understand their reason for doing it?

CaptainRogers posted 5/1/2019 12:15 PM

I contacted the AP. He is a lying piece of garbage. He was initially very "sincere" in his apologizing, saying how that had happened to him & that he never wanted to do that to anyone, blah, blah, fricken, blah.

After more actual details came out, I let him know that he was a lying piece of garbage and if I ever heard from him again, it would be the last time. Then about a month later, "Siri accidentally called" my wife and I told him that he was a dead man walking. I outed him to every mutual individual we know (he is a contractor & I have a LOT of connections in that industry in town, from realtors to construction firms to inspectors to the building commission and so on) and I hope he never works in this town again.

I know many who have cut ties with him because of it. While I don't have the urge to put a bullet in his head any longer, I can't say that I'd pee on him if he was on fire, either...

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 12:16 PM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

dancin-gal posted 5/1/2019 13:00 PM

I went to see the OW.. 17 yrs ago.. she wouldn't come to the door her adult sons answer.. told them their mother was a hooker .. and that my H paid their mother for sex.. it was the truth .. this time same OW I tried to call her .. she didnt answer the phone so I sent her a message that I was divorcing my WS and she was welcome to him.. he has since gotten a phone call from her .. WS handed me the phone like it was a hot potato.. she didnt leave a message .. but I texted back that the phone # was now mine .. and she would hear from my lawyer ..she isn't worth the effort..

Adaira posted 5/1/2019 13:11 PM

I did not. What was she going to say? “Yes, I’m a piece of trash who slept with your husband?” I already knew that. I looked at her online presence and determined she was a train wreck through and through. Not worth my time.

Darkness Falls posted 5/1/2019 13:14 PM

My H tried to contact the AP. The AP wouldn’t talk to him. I didn’t have any feelings about it either way.

JimmyB posted 5/1/2019 13:44 PM

I sent him an email 11 days after the last Dday, told him they were caught, don't contact her again, yada, yada. I also told him that he should confess to his wife and he should expect, in the near future, I would contact her to confirm that he had. Being the coward he is, he ignored my advise so 3 months later, she found out from me. When that blew his world up he sent me a string of texts saying, "U hav made a bad mistake", saying, "how dare you call my home and my wife with that bull u done lost your mind". He said "real men like myself don't try to hurt other people cause they cant care for their home but now that u tried to hurt my family your trick is no good we still standing". His last line was, "Oh my lawyer will talk to you very soon u are dismissed and don't call my house ever again with that bull.

BTW, in 1988, after their first A, I called him and said he would regret it if it ever happened again. I regret not doing more then.

So that's my experience of contacting the AP, for whatever it's worth. He's obviously nothing but an ignorant, stupid, entitled, lying, serial cheating, abusive manipulator. I didn't really expect anything else from him.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/1/2019 14:35 PM

I emailed and texted the MOW. I told her she was a POS. I told her I was going to do anything and everything I could to destroy her. She apologized. Whatever. It did feel good to get that anger out.

I don't know what my H thought about it.

WindowShopping posted 5/1/2019 14:49 PM

I'm the WS. The other BS contacted me. I didn't respond. I probably should have apologized at that time, but really I just didn't want to engage with her.

My BS contacted the other BS as well, to confirm things I'd told him. She contacted my husband maybe once after that as well.

I didn't really want them talking, but there was nothing I could do about it. DH had all the information / truth from me (surprising to most of you perhaps, but I just told the truth when asked directly, no trickle truth or lies at that point), so I wasn't worried about more information coming out.

I had a small fantasy of other BS coming to my office and hitting me. I was a little numb at that point! I wanted to feel anything But lucky for me that never happened!!

Thanksgiving2016 posted 5/1/2019 14:58 PM

She was confident my husband would choose her. No remorse at all. Well he didn’t of course.

EmbraceTheChange posted 5/1/2019 16:41 PM

I emailed the AP to tell her that I was B, N's wife and he was married TO ME, so she needed to f*** off. Loads of "get it?", to ram the point across. I also said that WH was getting a vasectomy, and if she so wanted, I would send her a pic of his shaved pubes and blue balls".

WS went to see her soon after that, to APOLOGISE. It was all his fault, he didn't tell me anything, that's why I twigged when I read her email. She also asked him if I would attack her. Nope. Went to her in line manager instead. She got moved department 6 mths later, and then I emailed her hubby and he left for Hawaii 3 years later. XH got divorced because he apologised to the wrong person. This really pissed me off.

idissent posted 5/1/2019 19:28 PM

I did. I sent a text from WH’s phone the day after DDay and then a long email months later. I’m an educator so I’m VERY good at making people feel bad about their bad decisions and understanding the ramifications of them. I didn’t call her names, just laid out calmly all the things I wanted her to know, including some tidbits that came out of my super sleuthing abilities so she would know that blocking me on FB won’t stop me from being a presence in her life (uh hello fake FB account...). Felt good 🤷🏻‍♀️ It was also a reassurance that when she contacted WH 90 seconds after I sent the email, it was clear they hadn’t spoken recently.

Nanatwo posted 5/1/2019 19:42 PM

I had no intention of confronting her - didn't want to get in to the she said he said mind game - who was telling the truth and who was feeding me a line of bull. One day when I stopped by their work place H was not there - but she was alone in her office so I thought what the hell.

I asked her what made her think it was ok to get involved with a married man. She said "you need to understand" and I thought oh dear Lord she is going to try and tell me that I needed to "just understand" why it was ok that she fucked my husband. Stopped her - told her exactly what I thought of her and women like her - told her "you are so fucking desperate for a man you don't care who you hurt" and walked out.

There were a couple of people standing in the hall with startled looks on their faces. Would love to know how she explained that!

destroyed1 posted 5/1/2019 20:16 PM


I have contacted BOTH of the men my wife cheated with.

Offered to kick their asses in person.

AP #1 - A week after DDAy, I found him eating his lunch at a picnic table where he worked.

I pulled my car up to the area and quickly shifted it into Park and jumped out and ran after him.

The little pussy ran back to the building as I ran behind him. When he got to the building he ran inside and the door he went into would not lock.

So here he is, on the other side of the door holding that handle with all he had .... Me pulling the door open a few inches and yelling at him that I'm gonna kick his fucking ass and him screaming in a frantic tone to "Leave me alone!" , "GO AWAY!", "I dont want any trouble"

Others soon joined inside to help him hold the door shut.

I kicked the door and called him a pussy. Then I left. He has never contacted my wife again. He knows for a fact that I would smash him.


AP #2 - I called him shortly after DDay and he tried to say "I'm Sorry".

I yelled at him and told him his sorry didnt mean shit to me and .... WHEN I FIND YOU! .....

For the last 2.5 years, AP#2 has been running scared. Living life looking over his shoulder.

He has gone as far as using aliases and changing vehicles to keep himself hidden. He carries a gun everywhere he goes and looks as if he gained at least 50 pounds.

He knows I will smash him if I ever see him. He lives in fear every day of his life ..... rightfully so.

millionpieces posted 5/1/2019 22:54 PM

BW here, it brought me closure but not to say that when I get angry or start thinking of the affair that I don’t hate her still. I still very much do. I was able to corroborate the story WH told, and get the answers I needed. She cried like she was the victim and gave an I’m sorry , but second time I don’t think so bitch. I told her to stay the fuck away from my family and dismissed her like the piece of trash that she is. I was furious with WH after as I felt he majorly affaired down. I think I would have felt better if she was younger and more attractive, but than it hit me that he risked it all for a nasty looking Whore and my anger redirected to him.

She still lives in fear that I will out her to everyone and I kind of like it. Every once in a while I send her memes through social media to remind her of what a home wrecking piece of crap she is and it makes me feel a tiny bit better

Notmine posted 5/2/2019 06:40 AM

About 3 days after DDay I had a bad feeling, had a panic attack and left work. My husband found out that I had left and repeatedly called me. I refused to answer the phone because I was on my way to her house. My husband was monitoring me on his iPhone and becoming increasingly desperate....calling non-stop. I answered when I was sitting outside of her house. I found out later that he had called to warn her I was there for the ass kicking. She would not come out and I eventually realized that she was not worth it. I am sort of sorry that I did not get my chance to beat her ass. Don't think she would have turned me in because she would have had to out herself to her husband and family. I did not contact her via email until she tried to reach out to my husband. Twice. I had a lot of fun writing two emails letting her know that I knew all of the sordid things she did and mocking her for them. I also threatened to out her publicly (walk the neighborhood with a sandwich board, etc. ) and file a restraining order.

Haven't heard from her since.

I then realized that I did not want to invite crazy into my world and haven't worried about her. If my husband wants the old hag, he can have her.

DomesticTourist posted 5/2/2019 06:56 AM

I texted this to my wife’s AP, who was the best man at our wedding:

I’ve spent 25 years around murderers, rapists, pedophiles, thieves and miscreants of all kinds.
You are worse than any of them.
You are selfish.
You are manipulative.
You are a liar.
You are a coward.
You betrayed a man who treated you like a brother.
You abandoned two boys who called you “Uncle.”
You value nothing sacred.
You are unsafe and unreliable.
It’s no wonder that every woman that had the chance to make a life with you found you unworthy.
I hope your life is sad and lonely. You deserve no better.

Chaos posted 5/2/2019 07:57 AM

I did not.

When I [finally] contacted someone it was OBS.

Marie2792 posted 5/2/2019 08:19 AM

I went to the OWs house seven months after dday when I was in a better place emotionally. She sat with me for 2 hours and answered my questions. It gave me a new perspective on my misdirected anger at her and also revealed the truth about twonlies my husband was telling for 7 months about how they met and what she knew about our lives.

For me, the OW backed off when he admitted he was not separated and we were in fact living together. She was a little slow in the brain but knew enough to catch him in a lie. She wasn’t heartbroken over the “breakup.”

It did give me closure and a sense of peace. The consensus here is that the OW will lie and cover the WW and vice versa. That wasn’t my experience which I realize is odd. My advice to you is that if you can do it safely and have your emotions in check, you should do it if you need to and the AP is willing.

Marie2792 posted 5/2/2019 08:19 AM

I went to the OWs house seven months after dday when I was in a better place emotionally. She sat with me for 2 hours and answered my questions. It gave me a new perspective on my misdirected anger at her and also revealed the truth about twonlies my husband was telling for 7 months about how they met and what she knew about our lives.

For me, the OW backed off when he admitted he was not separated and we were in fact living together. She was a little slow in the brain but knew enough to catch him in a lie. She wasn’t heartbroken over the “breakup.”

It did give me closure and a sense of peace. The consensus here is that the OW will lie and cover the WW and vice versa. That wasn’t my experience which I realize is odd. My advice to you is that if you can do it safely and have your emotions in check, you should do it if you need to and the AP is willing.

ETA: I also recorded the entire conversation on my phone so that I could go back and listen carefully. Also in case my husband disputed any of it. He has yet to hear it four years later.

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 8:20 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

PeaceLily210 posted 5/2/2019 08:42 AM

I contacted exgf/AP via FB messenger after attempting to go to her house. (I had the wrong house at the time. ) I only wanted to know if her version of things would match what WH was telling me. He'd lied so much for so long, sadly I trusted her more than him.
She responded politely. She answered my questions. (She had ended their A years before due to guilt.) She was apologetic.

Closure?? Well, in one sense I guess I got some closure. WH had admitted his version of their A the day I found their old texts. What she told me was the same as what he told me. The time frame and details matched up. There was no emotional connection between them. No one was pining away for an old flame. They hooked up and had sex 4 times. She then developed a conscience and called him to end it.
All of that was also corroborated by the texts I found.
She however had no idea that she was one of many. I think she was under the impression that she was somehow special to him, rather than just local and easy.

WH sat on the couch next to me silently as I communicated with her. He was not angry. He said he understood why I wanted to contact her.

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

Return to General

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy