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Complicated situation with my in-laws

PearlyBaker posted 5/1/2019 07:47 AM

Now that I found out my WH still continued to lie and see the OW after DDay (no matter what his explantation) I made the decision Iím done. To make sure not to loose sight of my rational mindset and sweep things under the rug I told my 2 best friends and then my parents about his 2.5 year affair.

The general consensus is that his parents need to know next. His mother had been giving him money each month (in most cases over 1k a month) to cover the cab rides to and from OW place, his alcohol addiction, cigarettes, pills and god knows what else. She thought she was helping out our family and I did too because he always kept ďhis moneyĒ (which changed each month) in a separate account. The thing is, he claims his father has no idea about the money. So in exposing his secret I expose hers too.

I keep asking my WH to talk to tell his mother and he keeps putting it off. He tells me he will. At this point I told him I need to be present when he has the conversation. Do I give him a deadline and then if he does not meet it tell her? What about his father? Iím not trying to cause issues in their marriage.

[This message edited by PearlyBaker at 7:55 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

trustedg posted 5/1/2019 08:08 AM

he claims his father has no idea about the money. So in exposing his secret I expose hers too.
he is a liar, are you sure he isn't just lying about this?

You can still tell them you are done with him because of his 2.5 year affair that he refuses to stop.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/1/2019 08:12 AM

If you are divorcing, I don't think you need to be concerned with your in-laws.

However, if they press you, you can just tell them he cheated and you are done. Why would telling them that expose your MILs supposed lies?

MamaDragon posted 5/1/2019 09:13 AM

Out him with his parents.

Let them deal with the fall out and your WS.

cancuncrushed posted 5/1/2019 09:19 AM

I would tell them of the A...and let the rest fall into place on its own....let them deal with it...your still keeping your WH A secrets....why?

I told WH parents...finally after 7 years...it was a weight off my shoulders...Keeping Wh secret had done nothing to help, it showed him.....he could get away with it longer....

Now, unfortunately, since we are Ding, they have dropped us out of their lives...no communication....when it was their son who has done all the damage....I let that go too....its them..its their lives...their choices. You can only control yourself. I consider them similar and they are all crazy.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:22 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

PearlyBaker posted 5/1/2019 09:28 AM

Original poster here..

I havenít been working full-time for a number of years. He was fully supportive of me starting my own business and not making as much and then staying home with our child. I donít want them to think that I have been spending all of our money frivolously. Iíd like them to know the truth.

Adaira posted 5/1/2019 10:09 AM

Then just call them and tell them. Youíre making the situation more complicated than it needs to be.

secondtime posted 5/1/2019 10:12 AM

Actually, I would leave the cheating out of it, but I would tell your in-laws they are enabling your husband's addiction(s) and point them to al-anon.

But, I'm also betting the root of all of your husband's behavior is the addiction...rather than the cheating.


Marie2792 posted 5/1/2019 10:28 AM

If you are done, end of story. Let his parents worry about each other. They enabled him and Iím sure it didnít happen overnight. Once you divorce you wonít be in their lives so I would let it go.

BraveSirRobin posted 5/1/2019 10:38 AM

There's no reason that them knowing about the affair has to involve your FIL knowing about the money. Just tell them he cheated and you're done, and leave out who paid for the cab rides. If she flings her past support in your face, acting like you used her, you can defend yourself.

Ultimately, she's his mother, and that's where her loyalties will probably lie. Especially if she knows your WH was involved with you while still married to his first wife. It's not like she hasn't overlooked this bad behavior once already.

FEEL posted 5/1/2019 11:11 AM

Interesting post. Seems like his parents hiding things from each other probably helped him enable a pattern of hiding things (such as an affair, for one thing) from you.

I don't see why you need to be present. I would just say you need to tell them and I'm going to call them to follow up to ensure you did. If the MIL raises any concerns about the $$ you can then explain the situation further.

EvenKeel posted 5/1/2019 11:27 AM

I really think you can tell your IL's without spelling out the financials. IE "WH has been having an A for 2.5 years. Not only did he keep this a secret, but he has been SECRETLY hiding money and spending over $1,000 a month on the affair and his addictions while we have been financially struggling in the household!"

Your MIL is a smart gal...she will realize "Hey - that is how much I HAVE BEEN GIVING HIM" and put it together.

As others stated, that is his mom and she will side with him. She will believe what she wants regardless of what you tell her. Just how it goes. But I would still say my peace.

Side question: If MIL was giving/gifting approximately 1,000 +/- a month in good faith to 'help the family' and WH was secretly keeping it and using in for whoknowswhat, then is that considered martial money and he is responsible to pay PearlyBaker half of that in settlement?

Sorry to T/J, was just wondering if you are entitled to half that money is pi$$ed away since it was really given 'to the marriage'?

cptprkchp posted 5/1/2019 11:41 AM

PB-

I donít know how this will be received by everyone but as a fWW and an alcoholic who has been in continuous recovery since 6/29/10 - here are my thoughts:

I would expose everything and everyone- your WH is as sick as his secrets so please donít allow the sickness to spread to you anymore than it already has. Honestly, I would be pretty damn pissed off if someone was taking money *on my behalf* and then spending it on OW and countless addictions. You donít deserve that. People like my former self and your WH bring the kind of chaos in to your life that you canít plan for - just try to consider that as you make your decisions! Best to you!

Carissima posted 5/1/2019 12:33 PM

Honestly? I would tell everything. To me the money issues kind of fall under the financial infidelity umbrella!

OrdinaryDude posted 5/1/2019 15:55 PM

At least clue your FIL in to everything, he deserves to know that his wife and son are selling him down the river as they continue to dispose of his marital assets.

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