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I have read every post on this website now and only one WW

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FloridaMan posted 5/1/2019 00:47 AM

I have read every post on this website now and only one WW admits that her affair was a sex focused/sex only affair. My wife also had a sex focused/sex only affair.

Is it extremely rare for women to have sex focused/sex only affairs ?

If a woman does have a sex focused/sex only affair what does it mean ?

[This message edited by FloridaMan at 12:55 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

Krystlebefore posted 5/1/2019 01:12 AM

Wow every post thatís amazing!
Iím a wayward

I had a sex only/sex focused affair(s) or thats what i thought - the reality is i was a broken individual trying to make myself feel better with some very destructive behaviour.

If your wife is saying that iíd probably wonder if she has done the digging etc she needs to...
Sorry i canít remember your story but are you asking this because you donít believe it?

HardenMyHeart posted 5/1/2019 01:18 AM

My wife also had a sex focused/sex only affair.
How do you know for sure? Did your wife tell you this?

I've been on this site for a long time and there have been plenty of WW's that just maintained a Fuck Buddy. I would agree they are in the minority, but I'm not sure I would call it rare. There are some women, with very poor personal boundaries, that become turned on by some guy (for whatever reason) and decide to go for it, regardless of their marital status. They mainly engage in the affair for sexual fulfillment and it makes them feel desired (aka: ego kibbles). The more handsome and/or schmoozer the guy is, the bigger the ego kibbles. The bigger the ego kibbles, the more the WS feels good about themselves. Sometimes the WS may be seeking a partner for a certain type of kinky sex. In this case, they feel the only way to satisfy their fetish is to look outside the marriage.

If a woman does have a sex focused/sex only affair what does it mean ?
I don't believe that an affair focused on sex is much different for men or women; however, the term for Fuck Buddy found in in the dictionary defines it succinctly:
noun
Slang : Vulgar . a person with whom one has a sexual but not a romantic relationship.

ETA:

I had a sex only/sex focused affair(s) or thats what i thought - the reality is i was a broken individual trying to make myself feel better with some very destructive behaviour.
This is what I mean by poor personal boundaries

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 1:36 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

FloridaMan posted 5/1/2019 03:04 AM

Krystlebefore, I am asking because I dont know what to make of my wife's affair considering most women fall in "love" first then trade sex for kibbles or at least that is the most common story told on this website by WWs.

[This message edited by FloridaMan at 3:05 AM, May 1st (Wednesday)]

OwningItNow posted 5/1/2019 04:41 AM

We have already answered this question for you--hundreds of times. Why do you not hear our answers?

Darkness Falls posted 5/1/2019 05:49 AM

hundreds of times

Across several different user names.

Rideitout posted 5/1/2019 06:09 AM

Is it extremely rare for women to have sex focused/sex only affairs ?

I think it's rare. I'm not sure it's "extremely rare", but I don't think it's norm, no. I also think that a lot of people would/do lie about it; a "I just needed to F him" affair would be, for me personally, and I think a lot of men, an immediate trip to D court. Just like a "she was the love of my life" A would be an immediate trip to D court for most WH's, hence, not many people are going to say that (unless, of course, they are divorcing).

A woman who's "out for sex" is incredibly dangerous once she crosses the A line, IMHO. For a couple of reasons; most notably, offering up NSA as a woman is going to get you a ridiculous number of offers. Some of those guys are going to be fantastic looking, great in bed, rich, famous, etc. Basically, they are going to blow her mind, and it's hard to see how she can then be happy with a "normal" relationship. A woman offering a "fling" can have almost any single (and many married) man she wants, it's extremely disconcerting, as a man, to think about that. I imagine it like a woman being married to an A list actor, you know he could sleep with 10 women a day if he wanted to just by saying "yes", no effort required at all. And, just like an A list actor, I'd imagine that most women who fall into this category would not have one AP, they'd have dozens/hundreds of APs. Because it's just so easy. The other thing, true for all women, is that when you offer NSA, you can bat above your weight class; you can get a far more attractive/rich/witty man to agree to NSA on the side vs the guy who will actually marry you and settle down. Again, very disconcerting; guys almost always have to go down the scale to find NSA sex (someone less attractive than they could get if they had a relationship), women can go in the opposite direction.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/1/2019 06:53 AM

Unless the cheating involves only paid sex workers and there is no talking other than negotiating payment and what will be done, I don't think any of it is only sex. Even the men who say they are in it just for the sex are getting more, i.e. ego kibbles. Otherwise, they would just go to a sex worker.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/1/2019 06:54 AM

We have already answered this question for you--hundreds of times. Why do you not hear our answers?

WornDown posted 5/1/2019 06:55 AM

"I have read every post on this website"

lostfather posted 5/1/2019 07:03 AM

FloridaMan, look up Stunned Dad. Read his profile story. He is no longer on SI but his story is interesting.

My WW's first A was about sex. When digging deeper, it is like any other affair. It's about the brokenness of that person. Stunned Dad's profile story exhibits a brokenness to an extreme. Sadly, my WW isn't too far off & she never got to the core of why so I'm here again.

A true F-buddy situation may not be rare. If she went looking for someone just to have on the side than she may be a bad person doing a bad thing. If she fell down the slippery slope and got caught up in it, she's probably a good person doing a bad thing with lots of brokenness.

sewardak posted 5/1/2019 07:27 AM

what worndown said. unless you've been reading for 10 years without joining, you haven't.

Rideitout posted 5/1/2019 07:58 AM

Unless the cheating involves only paid sex workers and there is no talking other than negotiating payment and what will be done, I don't think any of it is only sex. Even the men who say they are in it just for the sex are getting more, i.e. ego kibbles. Otherwise, they would just go to a sex worker.

They are getting more, but not necessarily something that they really want or care for. It's like buying a car, I go there to buy a car. Yes, they give me drinks, a snack, and a place to wait for the finance manager, but I don't actually want those things, I just want a car. They make the car buying process more tolerable, yes, but they are ancillary to what I'm actually there to do.

In cultures where paid sex is accepted, there's a lot more cheating with paid sex workers instead of "civilians". I've been to these places many times for work, the "after work" activity isn't "go to the bar and troll" it's go to the brothel and pay. It's the illegality of sex work in some areas that causes men to look elsewhere, not the motivation for "more" than just sex, IMHO. And it's a crying shame, because while I don't think that the rate for WH's would go down (probably would go up) if sex work was legal, I'm pretty sure it would fall significantly for WW's. Simply put, most men wouldn't have the drive to pursue a "normal A" if sex was available easily from professionals. The "emotionless infidelity" thread would need to be turned into a forum though, so there's that significant negative! But, in my personal experience, most cheating men are paying for sex with counterfeit emotions in an A; it would be a lot easier, less painful to everyone involved and result in a lot less turmoil for WW's (and sadly, probably more turmoil for BW's) if they'd just pay in cash rather than "I love you so much; now hurry up so I can get back to my wife". :(

Marie2792 posted 5/1/2019 10:38 AM

There is a reason why most waywards havenít posted that their affair was focused on sex. It simply isnít true. Something drives them to need that. Whether itís an ego kibble, desire for something new, an addiction. If it was solely based on sex, why cheat at all? You have a loyal, loving partner ready to please and eager to share so you can have just sex anytime.

A few years ago there was a post about it never being ďjust sexĒ. It was one of the few posts here I screen shouted and sent to my husband. Itís never ďjust sexĒ. You have to plan for it, to sneak and cheat and deceive to make it happen. You are hurting your spouse/partner, yourself and your APs family (if they have one). Youíre using marital funds to pay for things related to the affair, deleting emails and text messages. Something deep inside of a person drives them to go through all those complications to ďjust have sexĒ. Nope. It doesnít exist.

Iíve been here almost 5 years and I havenít read every thread. And I read daily. My guess is you really should be divorcing because youíre looking for answers that you wonít find here. Or youíve found them and donít want them. Sorry, we are an honest and experienced group here.

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 9:23 PM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

Mene posted 5/1/2019 10:43 AM

Milwaukee Mike at it again.

Please seek help from a professional.

Rideitout posted 5/1/2019 11:04 AM

Well, this might be a TJ.. But, here goes.

There is a reason why most waywards havenít posted that their affair was focused on sex. It simply isnít true. Something drives them to need that. Whether itís an ego kibble, desire for something new, an addiction. If it was silent based on sex, why cheat at all? You have a loyal, loving partner ready to please and eager to share so you can have just sex anytime.

I know very few/no men who've cheated who would also say they have a "loving partner ready to please" at home. Perhaps that's where the disconnect is, to you (and maybe a lot of other posters) it makes no sense to cheat for "just sex" when you can have all the sex you want at home. Except that for the vast majority of men I know, that's not the case. They can't get (or feel they can't get) the sex they want at home. Quantity (most common), quality or acts (a close second). Yes, for my W, this would seem ridiculous, she knows she could pull up Youporn, browse for hours and find something "new", send me the video, and we'd be doing it 2.5 minutes later. Why cheat for that? Makes no sense, she could have it with a few mouse clicks and "meet me in the bedroom" at home. But that's not reality for me or pretty much every man I've ever known well. There are a ton of "no's" and negotiation around sex at home. It's just different, sure, if you can get all the sex you can stand at home, any act your sick (my sick) mind dreams up and have all that without any choreplay or negative consequences, why the heck would you do it for "just sex"? (And actually, there is an answer to this, the Coolidge Effect if a real thing for a lot of people (I think mostly men) myself included, which is why having a sexual buffet at home, while certainly makes seeking an A less likely, isn't perfect insurance as posters on this thread have illustrated). But that simply isn't the reality for a lot of men, myself included. I didn't have a "dead bedroom" before the A, but, man, was I sexually frustrated. I didn't have the quantity or quality of sex I wanted at home. And yes, in a lot of ways, it would have been easier to go get an AP than to work it out with my W. In fact, had the A not happened, I suspect I'd still be in my "mostly dead" bedroom.

A few years ago there was a post about it never being ďjust sexĒ. It was one of the few posts here I screen shouted and sent to my husband. Itís never ďjust sexĒ. You have to plan for it, to sneak and cheat and deceive to make it happen. You are hurting your spouse/partner, yourself and your APs family (if they have one). Youíre using marital funds to pay for things related to the affair, deleting emails and text messages. Something deep inside of a person drives them to go through all those complications to ďjust have sexĒ. Nope. It doesnít exist.

Now this I agree with. Even if their motivation was "just sex" that's still not their only transgression against the marriage. That could be (and often is, in my personal experience) the driving factor in pursuing an A, but it's not the only thing that causes damage from the pursuit. Think of a high speed chase, the only "goal" in the chase is to get away from the cops. But the 10 people killed in the effort to escape, while not the goal, are just as dead as if they'd been intentionally murdered. The motivation can be "just sex", but the fallout can/almost always is more than that.

Butforthegrace posted 5/1/2019 12:58 PM

Across several different user names.

LOL

Butforthegrace posted 5/1/2019 12:58 PM

Across several different user names.

LOL

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/1/2019 13:11 PM

RIO, they are liars. How many men do you know IRL who tell you they need cuddles and sweet nothings whispered in their ears? Just because they aren't telling you doesn't mean they don't want it.

Most men do need affirmation of some sort. All of my married female friends laugh about how their Hs need major acknowledgment when they put a dish in the dishwasher (maybe exaggerating a little here, but you get the idea). They want acknowledgment for everything they do and act like babies when they don't get it. Is that inflammatory? Sorry. I don't feel like being diplomatic right now.

They are going to lie and say home life sucks. They are going to lie and say it's all about the mindblowing sex. They are going to lie and say that they don't care one bit if their APs don't care about them. They do care. That doesn't mean they care about the APs. It means they only care about themselves. So, yeah, they are getting other stuff that makes them feel good whether they tell you about it not.

Think about it. Even the single guy who has wild sex with a different woman every night is getting more than sex. He's getting that ego boost of being a stud. "Look at me. All the women want me. I'm so much better or more of a man than you because I can get all these women." Otherwise, why would they tell anyone about any of it?

sewardak posted 5/1/2019 13:14 PM

"I know very few/no men who've cheated who would also say they have a "loving partner ready to please" at home"

coming perilously close to saying it's the woman's fault if her husband has an affair because she's not giving him enough sex.

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