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Husbands chosen for reliability = plan B

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LivingWithPain posted 5/6/2019 13:46 PM

What I have come to conclude is that I am my own Plan A. My fWW is no plan at all. She either acts and behaves like my wife and treats me as well as I treat her, or she's out on her ear and I move on.

I'm my own priority now. I don't care about how good a fuck her OM was, or whether she liked it or not. Yeah, I cared once for a little while, but then I came to realize that I was the prize, and if she wanted me she was going to fight for me. I made her jump through the hoops, and for the most part she has done everything I could want (with a few boundary issues that we are still working on).

But as for the sex part, I stopped giving a shit whether or not I was good enough for her. I use her for my pleasure. If she gets off and enjoys it, so much the better.

numb&dumb posted 5/6/2019 15:57 PM

I walk away for a weekend . . .love languages. Proximity (like closeness). Chapless aprons=BJs ?

I did not see those wild differing opinions coming into play at all.

LivingWithPain posted 5/6/2019 16:29 PM

Her choice was brutally (to put it mildly) unfair to Kirk and Spock as well as kind of diminishing the agency of her preferred choice. But to get what she wanted, it was the logical choice. As long as you don't give a shit about anyone else. And they're not you, so maybe that's the way you roll. But it is logical.

T'Pring was a ruthless ho. No doubt.

Unbroken78 posted 5/6/2019 17:53 PM

From an evolutionary biology standpoint, there has always been a difference between the men that women seek to breed with vs the men they seek to long-term mate with.

There are books that explain this in detail.


It's not new and it's not changing. Look at the time of the month when cheating happens... Look at what the brain does to intentionally impair our judgement during sexual arousal... Look at the factors that trigger sexual arousal...

None of them are "wow...he sure washes dishes like a champ"...

You won't see "wow, he can drive a minivan safely, I should marry him"...

It's just biology. Accept reality as real and be the man that gives the tingles...not the guy who washes dishes the fastest.


Eat well, go to the gym, get your body fat % down, build a life with hobbies outside of her, read books that were written before the internet, study a martial art or similar...and appreciate history. Make money and dress well...


If you do those things, the rest pretty much takes care of itself.

You can not logic your way to sexual desire. You can't wash enough dishes or be nice enough to have someone want to rip your clothes off.

If you want that "rip your clothes off" level of desire, stop being nice and go to the gym.


YMMV

SisterMilkshake posted 5/6/2019 18:24 PM

If you want that "rip your clothes off" level of desire, stop being nice and go to the gym.
And this is exactly the wrong message that men give other men.

havequestions posted 5/6/2019 18:30 PM

The issue is that when women choose the reliable husband, many seem to then see them as boring or even not good enough. When she wanted to laid around the house and complain to anyone that would listen how tough she has it, it was ok to have the reliable guy. After a few years of day drinking white wine with other wives and complaining to each other, they start to believe they are better then the husband and damn it, she deserves better. It goes both ways. Men get trophy wives as we age and our previous wives age even faster and try to grasp onto the glory years. Sad really. So donít worry, you may be the bread earner now and have an exciting hubby, but if he is all you say he is, donít be surprised when he traded you in for the newer shiner faster model.

havequestions posted 5/6/2019 18:34 PM

I am trying to get to the point unbroken stated. I no longer want to be the caring guy who puts feelings first when the people i do that for, eventually walk alll over me without a second thought. I grew up with an alcoholic dad. I felt is was my job to always keep the peace so that people in my house wouldnít get hurt. I was always the one that bite the brunt of it, physically and mentally. I saw what my mom went througn and I do whatever it takes to make women happy and it has destroyed me. It seems women, and men, are great at picking out this trait in me and taking advantage of it.
Any pointers? Would be happy to listen.

hikingout posted 5/6/2019 18:49 PM

Havequestions-

I just want to say that while maybe your wife was like that, I never felt I was better than my husband or that he needed to go to the gym. I didnít need his paycheck, and I probably should have expected someone to equal chores while we were still raising kids.

The reality of it is it sounds like you are taking the blame, that there was something wrong with you. I m sharing why I am sharing because her cheating had nothing to do with you or who you are, but who she is.

I would never advise someone not to join a gym - exercise can be a mood stabilizer, provide mental toughness Nd increase ones confidence. But if you do that do it for you. You can attract the wrong kind of partner that way just as much as being reliable. There is nothing wrong with reliability. Just bring your expectations into your relationship or next relationship and donít settle for less than that. I think itís far worse to chose people out of being lonely, or trying to stuff our feelings and be tough, or my kind of modification that makes you not you.

If someone cheats that speaks all about them not about you. Donít let it drag you around. Work on you but not because of external forces.

Striver posted 5/6/2019 18:56 PM

And this is exactly the wrong message that men give other men.

Well, at least he didn't say lift. Lifting is the biggest cliche out there for men.

I have never read a story out here about a woman cheating because the man was just too cut to resist.

Every WW story out there is because of something the man SAID. Every single one.

So start off by going to Toastmasters. Learn to talk. You also need to care as little about rejection as possible. Those are the top two.

I suck and/or am unwilling to do much of both. I am better, but no expert. But talking, bullshitting, not caring about rejection are way above working out for men.

HardenMyHeart posted 5/6/2019 19:00 PM

If you want that "rip your clothes off" level of desire, stop being nice and go to the gym.
And this is exactly the wrong message that men give other men.
SMS, I have to disagree. Your generalization does not apply to all men. It took me awhile to realize this, but Unbroken78's advice is spot on. If you have a great wife and you're pleased with your love life, then you don't need to change a thing. However, if you're a BH whose WW ripped off the OM's clothes, then you'll never nice your way into her desire. I believe it's just the opposite, the more "reliable" you become, the more likely your WW will continue to disrespect you. I'm not saying this is true of all WW's, but many WW's have already shown they have no problem seeking out someone else to have sex with and then casually sneaking back to their reliable, nice guy BH.

Any pointers? Would be happy to listen.
havequestions, I had similar issues and found two good books that address dealing with this:

No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life by Robert A. Glover

The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

hikingout posted 5/6/2019 19:14 PM

How many men on here had their wife cheat on them with some cut dude? Now, how many would say no in the looks department she affaired down? The AP in my situation was much older, and definitely not in better shape.

That being said, being in shape can help your love life. You have more energy, confidence and possibly endurance. Working out to me has stuck this time because itís the most natural and effective antidepressant. Itís helped me feel more desirable too. Again, not advocating NOT going to the gym but relationships are not just about that at all. I am all for you guys feeling the best you possibly can, and taking charge of your path and happiness, but I would again caution things that go against your nature as a person. Burying and hiding that is not going to gleen you an authentic connection with another person. The person who is right for you will love your ways and not take advantage of them.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:15 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 5/6/2019 19:23 PM

I didn't say all men. But, this is a message that men give other men. It isn't the message women want sent out. Do I want a nice man or a cut asshole? We do want nice men. The message I objected to was "Stop being nice". What a load of crap. Yeah, go and be assholes, men. Being nice and being a doormat or co-dependent are two different things.

If you want that "rip your clothes off" level of desire, stop being nice and go to the gym.
Yep, if you want tons of casual sex and nothing authentic go be superficial and just work on your bodies. Awesome.
I believe it's just the opposite, the more "reliable" you become, the more likely your WW will continue to disrespect you.
And if this is the case, you have a fucked up, dysfunctional, unremorseful WW on your hands. Dump her ass instead of changing into some sleazy gym rat.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:59 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

OwningItNow posted 5/6/2019 19:50 PM

The issue is that when women choose the reliable husband, many seem to then see them as boring or even not good enough.

So they should go to IC and ask, "What's wrong with me? How do I fix us? Is this normal? Should we do MC? Why are my feelings changing? Am I in a midlife crisis? A rut?"

Good partners don't cheat to solve problems!

HardenMyHeart posted 5/6/2019 20:01 PM

And if this is the case, you have a fucked up, dysfunctional, unremorseful WW on your hands. Dump her ass instead of changing into some sleazy gym rat.
My wife's affair was at the gym with her trainer who was also the owner of the gym. I guess you're right.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:29 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

Oldwounds posted 5/6/2019 20:20 PM

How many men on here had their wife cheat on them with some cut dude? Now, how many would say no in the looks department she affaired down?

My wife's AP was a skinny dude, like snap a stick in half skinny. He had no more money than we did. It wasn't for love or money -- or because of any kind of looks.

I was a Marine and then coached football for 20-years, he was my complete opposite - he was fearful, dishonest and weak.

And I completely underestimated him -- even when I got suspicious (he was a 'friend' of the family) -- I always thought, nah, no way, not with THIS lowlife.

Now that my wife and I connecting again, the 'tear the clothes off' sex is very much back in style for the last three years.

It was never about me or how cool I am. And I'm still pretty damn cool. Older, but just as cool.

Every A starts with bad choices made by our spouses, not much else to it.

Loukas posted 5/6/2019 20:51 PM

Every A starts with bad choices made by our spouses, not much else to it.
Amen

Unbroken78 posted 5/6/2019 23:16 PM

And this is exactly the wrong message that men give other men.

Frankly...women don't get to define masculinity. It is not for women to define.

When men try to base their life on female definitions of what a "good man" should be...that man ends up in the friend zone or worse, every...single...time.


Be offended if that offends you, but it is absolute fact.


Everything I said is true.


Reverse the genders and you would be screaming that men don't get to define what women should be or how they should act...yet you are fully comfortable telling men what is right and wrong in manhood.


Double standards aren't standards.


SisterMilkshake posted 5/6/2019 23:22 PM

@Unbroken My opinion that this is the wrong message that men give each other, some men, not all men. Where am I defining masculinity in my post? I didn't try to define masculinity, just giving my opinion that this is the wrong message men give each other. P.S. Can't stand the Red Pill bullshit. Won't scream about it, though, just let you know it is bullshit.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:47 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

Rustylife posted 5/6/2019 23:40 PM

The AP in my case wasn't some looker. Certainly not shredded. Had a beer belly, puffed up goofy looking face. I have him beat in the looks department atleast. But I do see what my ex found attractive. Older than both of us so the veneer of 'maturity', validating her worst impulses(I usually put my foot down beyond a certain point), eager to please and spend money on her, having that kind of money to throw on someone else's wife.

Lots of generalities in some posts here. You can't really be the best at everything. At some point, you have to make peace with that. Those who are reconciling find it harder to do imo.

[This message edited by Rustylife at 11:41 PM, May 6th (Monday)]

iamanidiot posted 5/7/2019 02:44 AM

The last AP was screwing some girl at the same time that his wife was giving birth.
My spouse knew that AND STILL chased after him.
I doubt that the other 3xAPs were any better.
She had passport photos taken, planned on leaving me and moving into a flat.
Yeah, if I wasn't plan B, what was I? Meal ticket & a roof?
There was obviously excitement, but was the sex any better?

A lifetime later, I am still here, father, husband, provider.
She made some really bad choices for sure.

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