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Husbands chosen for reliability = plan B

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KingRat posted 5/3/2019 15:39 PM

I think since most affairs are discovered and not disclosed, the presumption is that "choice" is involuntary like Layla and Nevermind described back on page 1. It's hard to shake the notion that but for all the practical reasons and tangled webs life weaves, plan A would be the AP.

We see the reverse all the time here. How many BSs say they would be done if it wasn't for the kids, the finances, the house with the white picket fence identity we have come to embrace, etc? WS is Plan B in those situations. Plan A is divorce but not executed for the above mentioned reasons.

The I do not think it is a coincidence that disclosure of affairs result in a much successful R rate as it refutes the presumption of Plan B.

stolenyears posted 5/3/2019 15:40 PM

But I will encourage him to still try it. Wear an apron, babe.

So it's an apron and not the assless chaps? I've been doing it wrong...

turnthepage posted 5/3/2019 15:43 PM

[This message edited by turnthepage at 3:43 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Notthevictem posted 5/3/2019 15:55 PM

So it's [X] and not the assless chaps? I've been doing it wrong...

If only I had a dollar for every time I said that....

stolenyears posted 5/3/2019 15:58 PM

NTV - it would allow you more freedom with your farts, so stick with the assless chaps...

60% of the time, it works every time.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/3/2019 15:59 PM

turnthepage is my husband. He was getting cute. But I will encourage him to still try it. Wear an apron, babe.

Oooh, things are gonna get juicy now!

Yes, I think it's important to take into account that most talking about choreplay are betrayeds. Very different perspectives.

I can understand by the explanations why a BP would fell like plan B. Sometimes, that's true. But, why not consider that might not be true?

Maybe my perspective is a little different because my fch never left me to be with the MOW. We were living apart because of his work. So, there was never an instance of H sitting on the couch with and deciding to go out to be with the MOW instead. I also firmly believe that his A would not have happened if we hadn't been living apart at the time.

The description of being a mark is perfect. A big part of what makes a con artist successful is being able to recognize the easy marks. My H, I'm sure, was sending some sort of signal that he was available. Maybe not at their first contact, but definitely when she fished and he didn't shut it down. He has a KISA complex, which she picked up on. She appealed to that by telling him about her horrible M with her abusive H.

He started to fall for that type of thing again with a woman we both knew in the early months post dday. I felt something was off and told him I was not comfortable with their blossoming friendship. He immediately shut that down. I found out later that the woman has a rep for screwing with married men.

They could have said no if they were approached.

Even if your CP was the pursuer, it could've been anyone. If this person didn't bite, maybe that one will.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/3/2019 16:01 PM

And, so it has started.

stolenyears posted 5/3/2019 16:16 PM

Coco, this was certainly true in my wife's case...

Even if your CP was the pursuer, it could've been anyone. If this person didn't bite, maybe that one will.

Her APs could have been anyone.

We were talking the other night about how predators hand back around the herd and wait for the weak or broken ones to pounce, and then they have their mark. She was the mark multiple times, and allowed herself to get caught up in the sex for kibble exchange. But she was never going to leave me and was doing some fishing of her own to get these unspoken unmet needs met in some way.

Regardless of Plan A or Plan B or whatever letter is appropriate, I am making myself Plan A for myself. I am not relying on her to establish my value. I can find worth within myself, and if she wants to recognize and be a part of the awesomeness that is stolenyears, then she is welcome aboard. And I need to go get the assless chaps from the cleaners...

AbandonedGuy posted 5/3/2019 16:22 PM

I'm with KingRat, though I'm averse to the whole Plan A/Plan B thing in spirit since people by and large are making the best decision for themselves, as they see it, at any point in time. Sometimes that decision is offensively selfish, sometimes it's the kind of selfish that we can get behind because "we'd do the same thing in that situation". Sometimes backup decisions must be made in lieu of "Plan A" because life gets off on throwing curveballs at you. Contingency plans are always on our minds at a subconscious level.

If a WS stays with some guy/gal because they value their stability, reliability, etc., they're simply making their best judgment call for themselves. And like KingRat says, that goes both ways. For an armchair philosopher who's never dealt with infidelity, it might seem like the obvious choice to shitcan a WS once their cheating is outed, but I think just about every BS here, with or without kids in the picture, knows that that's not what we feel in the immediate aftermath. We desperately want to salvage our marriage. We rationalize that this is our best course of action because we're emotionally attached, financially attached, etc. And sometimes that works out, sometimes it doesn't.

Of course, there definitely are dingleberries in this world who see people in Plan A/Plan B terms, but those are the minority, the using dipshits who should we should teach others to spot and avoid.

Sanibelredfish posted 5/3/2019 16:26 PM


We see the reverse all the time here. How many BSs say they would be done if it wasn't for the kids, the finances, the house with the white picket fence identity we have come to embrace, etc? WS is Plan B in those situations. Plan A is divorce but not executed for the above mentioned reasons.

Good point, KR. I hadnít really thought of it that way before but it is certainly true.

I also agree with Stolenyears, I am Plan A for myself and kids first and foremost now. I know I have value as a partner other than my paycheck (I was just complimented on my physique today as a matter of fact).

This was a helpful read today. Thanks.

sisoon posted 5/3/2019 16:45 PM

numb&dumb, What's your Love Language ... or your friend's?

This choreplay stuff...I don't get a reward for paying the bills, going to the store, doing laundry...I think you all are really looking at this wrong.
Yeah, until W & I did the 5 Love Languages self-test, I didn't get much from my W's Acts of Service.

Then I found out that's is how she shows and receives love. That explained why 5 minutes of washing dishes got me such unexpected responses.

I now know W is showing love when she does some service to our household and receiving love when I do something. She knows the same when I touch her.

What I didn't expect is that physical touch went way up when my W did a self-test a couple of years ago. Acts of Service was still on top, but PT was 2nd.

Did you ever do the self-test, hikingout? What's your primary LL? Go ahead ... blow the theory to bits by saying it's Acts of Service.

*****

My guess is that 'evolutionary' biology/psychology/whatever will go the way of the dodo. I just don't see how we can isolate our 'nature' from the eons of culture.

Sylvan Tomkins did some of that with his observations of affects, but I don't see any of the 'evolutionists' here even referring to that work.

*****

I'm pretty sure I don't agree with the proposition that men are competing for women. My W had a lot of dates before me, but no one connected with her like I did. Sure there are probably tens (maybe hundreds) of thousands of people with whom she could have a similar connection, but they weren't in close enough proximity to her when it mattered.

I had dated some and had talked with a lot of girls, but no one moved me the way W2b did. So I had some competition for Saturday nights, but I had no real competition for what counted to me. But that's just my experience.

How many of us were in a real competition, with a woman choosing between 2 men?

*****

A number of people on SI post in essence about unequal power in sexual relationships, beginning with dating. Some men complain 'women are the gatekeepers.'

But women I know IRL talk about the difficulty of waiting for the man to initiate. About waiting and having to compete primarily on looks.

The problem is focusing on power in relationships. If instead, one looks for a match, both people retain their own power, and there's much less competition. And the outcomes are probably better.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:49 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

emergent8 posted 5/3/2019 17:09 PM

Whoo... I'm jumping into this late in the game, but I think this has been a generally productive conversation - even if it's a bit off topic.

Being reliable, contributing to the relationship and household and being a generally considerate human being are not turn-ons. They are just acting like minimally decent human being. It's like not having spelling errors in your resume. They are minimal requirements for me to consider whether I find you attractive. If you act like an ass, don't think you have to parent, think someone else should clean up after you (with the caveat that I don't have a problem with people who hire some chores out), then it's an instant turn OFF, but being a decent person isn't an instant turn on.

For me, this is absolutely the starting point, the price of admission if you will. To be blunt, I'm a f*cking catch. I'm smart, funny, sexy, kind, affectionate, a high-earner, a good cook, a wonderful parent, and yes, reliable. I know it. My husband knows it. It's what makes me a good partner. My husband is all of these things too (well, not a good cook but he has other marketable skills ). I expect nothing less. That's not to say I value all of those things equally at all times, but they are all important to me. I would never have chosen my husband for just one of those things.

Nothing like being ignored, not called or texted, all day and then being groped at 8pm, then called a bitch because you donít get immediately turned on by this manly man.

Yup. SUCH a turn-off. During the only (relatively brief) seasons of my life where my drive was low, this was my perception of the dynamic. To be clear, WS never called me names (haha, he wouldn't dare), but he did pout or retreat when I wasn't hot-to-trot immediately. The pouting was SUCH a turnoff and undoubtedly exacerbated the problem. It's certainly not the general/current dynamic in my relationship (thank god), but sometimes when I read here about relationships where this seems to be an issue, I can't help but wonder if it has something to do with it. I'm not talking about the relationships where this is has *always* been the problem, but I do believe that drive isn't always a static thing.

Don't expect your partner to know. And, definitely foreplay starts in the morning and continues through the day. I think both sexes can appreciate that - anticipation is always a big key I think.

So much this. In most cases though, it seems to me that EFFORT is the thing that is the turn-on. Yes, that can be turning the coffee maker on, but it can also be a deep kiss and a squeeze on the way out the door in the morning, a naughty text over lunchtime (both create anticipation!). Yeah, the AP might not have taken the trash out, but (s)he did put effort into making WS feel appreciated/desired, which for me, is definitely a necessary precursor to the....other stuff.

By "choreplay" I do not mean that if I vacuum I am entitled to a token redeemable for a blowjob at the time and place of my choice.
What I mean is this: let's say there's five hours of household chores to be done tonight. My wife and I are generally in bed by 11:00. If we get home at 6, and I leave her to do five hours of chores while I surf the internet and watch baseball, she's doing chores until 11:00. Not a scenario that is likely to lead to intimacy of any kind on that night.

On the other hand, if I pitch in and do half the chores, then at 8:30 the chores are done. She feels valued as a partner because no task was beneath me and I didn't expect anything of her I wasn't prepared to do, too. We can sit down and talk, have some drinks on our screen porch, reflect on the day and connect for a while.

If the mood strikes us both, we can have sex and be asleep by 11:00.

That's what I meant by "choreplay."


Domestic Tourist totally gets it. This is partnership, and at least for my H would very like lead to ... other stuff. "Let's bang out these chores so we can sit and have a glass of wine, (and then maybe we can go upstairs and bang it out too)!"

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/3/2019 20:06 PM

I am making myself Plan A for myself. I am not relying on her to establish my value.

Beautiful!

People keep going back to the idea that it's just one . She married me only because I'm a good provider. That's not what anyone has been saying. We've been saying it's a factor. It matters. If all is equal except one guy does provide and one guy doesn't, I'm going to choose the provider. I'm not going to choose the only-a-provider guy over the guy I love.

rambler posted 5/3/2019 20:08 PM

There.are no justifications for an affair but in many but not all cases an environment is created that makes the affair more possible.

I do know men who did a large part of the chores but were still cheated on.

However. I do not know anyone nor read a story where the BH came home early to find OM doing the dishes or vacuuming.

ramius posted 5/3/2019 20:11 PM

So it's [X] and not the assless chaps? I've been doing it wrong...

If only I had a dollar for every time I said that....

The visual.....dam you!

firenze posted 5/3/2019 20:12 PM

I do know men who did a large part of the chores but were still cheated on.

That was me. I did the overwhelming majority of all household tasks and the bulk of the childrearing and I still worked part-time to bring in a little bit of extra money. I was happy to do so because exWW was working a lot while pursuing postgrad studies and I wanted her to do well.

I'm sure I spent many a night preparing dinner and helping DD with her schoolwork while my exWW was off somewhere fooling around with her AP.

[This message edited by firenze at 8:15 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

Notthevictem posted 5/3/2019 21:17 PM

The visual.....dam you!

If you think that's bad just add glitter.

turnthepage posted 5/3/2019 21:47 PM

Captains log stardate 012897 - Todayís mission with the suction device has been accomplished. Awaiting commendations

BraveSirRobin posted 5/3/2019 22:00 PM

*BSR researches suppliers for assless chaps and is skeeved to discover used ones for sale*

stolenyears posted 5/4/2019 01:48 AM

Captains log stardate 012897 - Todayís mission with the suction device has been accomplished. Awaiting commendations

Best of luck, turnthepage...rooting for you!

Sorry BSR...I had to have mine custom made for this very reason...

*BSR researches suppliers for assless chaps and is skeeved to discover used ones for sale*

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