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Double Standards, Trust Issues, and Receptiveness

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Rideitout posted 4/30/2019 09:50 AM

Thank you for this. I think it's sad that men think there's no point in being friends with a woman unless there's a chance for sex.

It's sad, but it's also almost always true, in my personal experience. But your making it too encompassing, I have 0 female friends, but I have a lot of female acquaintances. Friends of my wife who I enjoy talking to and interacting with. Wives of my male friends. But beyond that, no; I'm not going to seek out friendship with a woman, and, if a woman seeks it out from me, and I find her at all attractive, no, it's not going to happen.

Honestly, very, very few women share my interests anyway. I'm 100X more likely, picking a random man vs a random woman to find someone who enjoys the things that I do and have common interests with me. I suppose if I were into something that's a primarily female activity, perhaps this would be problematic, but I'm just your typical guy. Not many women want to talk about superchargers, AMD Threadripper CPUs,motorcycles, drag races or motocross. I'd have to actively go looking for a woman who's into those things and that just smacks of "looking for an A" to me.

This will probably piss some people off, but I see seeking out females that I find attractive for friendship about as sensible as keeping a cobra as a pet. Why risk it? Dogs are great, why get a pet that can kill me (or my marriage) so easily and unpredictably? I feel the same in my professional life, I shun women because of the risk the pose to me. No man will ever go to HR with a sexual harassment complaint from me, I can ensure that with 100% certainty. Where a woman, I'm always on edge, making sure I don't say anything that could trigger anyone. And the men I know, they operate the same way, the conversation changes the moment a woman walks into the discussion, WAY more so than it used to 10-15 years ago in my professional life. That might be good, in fact, it probably is, but it also means that men who enjoy "open" conversation have become more and more isolated to "only men" for discussion. This has had a large negative impact on women, I'm sure, but, in the quest for self-preservation (or preservation of my M), there aren't points for political correctness. Trust me, my W wouldn't look more kindly on my A just because I'd become more inclusive of women in my personal and professional life.

textingministry posted 4/30/2019 16:47 PM

I see, Stark. It’s always more complicated than we give it credit for. Not that I’m in the best place to give advice, but you may want to gently let her know that if your relationship means so much that she’s willing to move for you, she needs to let the Ex go. The relationship already has three people in it - you, her, and her son. No room for friends she slept with (and who “cheated” on her? She’s got to have feelings about that even if she denies it, or else she wouldn’t have stopped sleeping with him.)

You did well in asking her to consider how she would feel if you kept a relationship like that secret, or even kept one at all.

I hope it works out for you. I think you’ll be able to see where she’s at emotionally by her response to your (gentle) pushing. She’s probably feeling nervous and alone in her new town, new job, new relationship. Maybe help connect her with new friends before giving an ultimatum? What does she like to do? Is there a library, theatre, yoga class, community group, etc. she can get involved with? Does she have an old girlfriend she would like to invite over and reconnect with for a weekend?

She may be worried that if your relationship falls apart, she’ll have no one if she gives up the ex. Show her that fear is wrong. Life with you is vibrant and she doesn’t need him. But he’s got to go if she wants that vibrant life! Not a “pick me” - you’ll be okay without her, but perhaps compassion for this girl and her history she brings with her.

Good luck.

Phoenix1 posted 4/30/2019 17:04 PM

Instead of seeing this go back down the rabbit hole of "platonic friends between sexes being possible" like another thread did, I will answer based on the OP's opening thread - the concept of being friends with past romantic partners.

With that in mind, I had one shot at this over the years. My BF from my late teens and I talked about marriage back in the day. Then he showed me what a complete asshole he was and we went our separate ways.

Fast forward 30 years. He tracked me down for the sole purpose of apologizing for being such an asshole when we were together. I accepted his apology and he was genuinely contrite. We lived in different states and occasionally emailed each other (this was after my D, BTW). I thought, wow! Maybe we can actually be friends!

But that was a big ol' negatory. He pulled the same shit again that pissed me off years ago. He was still an asshole and all contact was severed permanently.

Other than that, I have no contact with any prior BFs. Could I do it platonically? Certainly. There just aren't any (not that there is a plethora of past BFs) that I would WANT as a platonic friend.

cocoplus5nuts posted 4/30/2019 19:59 PM

Instead of seeing this go back down the rabbit hole of "platonic friends between sexes being possible" like another thread did,

Well, RIO, I guess we've been silenced.

sisoon posted 5/1/2019 14:35 PM

Similar to Phoenix1's experience, an old GF got in touch with me several years ago, well before my W's A.

Talking with her really helped me remember and understand some stuff about myself. I enjoyed the exchanges. My W had no objection at the time, though one came up years later.

W actually met xGF during her A and thought she was feisty, IIRC.

We communicated for some time. She was really unhappy in her M, though, and after d-day, I just didn't want to stay in touch. W thought xGF had designs on me. If she did, it was as a shoulder to cry on, not as a potential ap.

There are a couple of girls I wish I could find. I owe them apologies. Since that's for me more than for them, I haven't looked hard to find them.


I have have had woman friends in the past, and I never wanted to have sex with them, however sexy they were, because I was committed to my W. I'm sure I'm not alone.

I strongly object to anyone speaking for me.

Some members purport to speak for men or women. Let's not forget that we almost always speak for ourselves alone. And even when we have reliable statistics, there are almost always a LOT of people in the minority.

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